The Project Gutenberg EBook of Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners
by John Bunyan
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Title: Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners
Author: John Bunyan
Release Date: September, 1996 [EBook #654]
[This file was first posted on October 22, 1996]
[Most recently updated: September 8, 2002]
Edition: 10
Language: English
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*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK, GRACE ABOUNDING ***
Transcribed from the 1905 The Religious Tract Society edition by
David Price, email ccx074@coventry.ac.uk
GRACE ABOUNDING TO THE CHIEF OF SINNERS
In a faithful account of the life and death of John Bunyan
Or
A brief relation of the exceeding mercy of God in Christ to him
Namely
In His taking him out of the dunghill, and converting him to the
faith of His blessed son Jesus Christ. Here is also particularly
shewed, what sight of, and what troubles he had for sin; and also,
what various temptations he hath met with, and how God hath carried
him through them.
A PREFACE
OR, BRIEF ACCOUNT OF THE PUBLISHING THIS WORK. WRITTEN BY THE
AUTHOR THEREOF, AND DEDICATED TO THOSE WHOM GOD HATH COUNTED HIM
WORTHY TO BEGET TO FAITH, BY HIS MINISTRY IN THE WORD
Children, Grace be with you. Amen. I being taken from you in
presence, and so tied up that I cannot perform that duty, that from
God doth lie upon me to you-ward, for your farther edifying and
building up in faith and holiness, etc., yet that you may see my
soul hath fatherly care and desire after your spiritual and
everlasting welfare, I now once again, as before, from the top of
Shenir and Hermon, so now from the lions' dens, from the mountains
of the leopards (Song iv. 8), do look yet after you all, greatly
longing to see your safe arrival into THE desired Haven.
I thank God upon every remembrance of you; and rejoice, even while
I stick between the teeth of the lion in the wilderness, that the
grace and mercy, and knowledge of Christ our Saviour, which God
hath bestowed upon you, with abundance of faith and love; your
hungerings and thirstings after farther acquaintance with the
Father, in the Son; your tenderness of heart, your trembling at
sin, your sober and holy deportment also, before both God and men,
is a great refreshment to me; For ye are our glory and joy. 1
Thess. ii. 20.
I have sent you here enclosed, a drop of that honey that I have
taken out of the carcase of a lion. Judg. xiv. 5-8. I have eaten
thereof myself, and am much refreshed thereby. (Temptations, when
we meet them at first, are as the lion that roared upon Samson; but
if we overcome them, the next time we see them, we shall find a
nest of honey within them.) The Philistines understand me not. It
is something of a relation of the work of God upon my soul, even
from the very first, till now, wherein you may perceive my castings
down, and risings up: for He woundeth, and His hands make whole.
It is written in the Scripture, Isa. xxxviii. 19, The father to the
children shall make known Thy truth. Yea, it was for this reason I
lay so long at Sinai, Lev. iv. 10, 11, to see the fire, and the
cloud, and the darkness, that I might fear the Lord all the days of
my life upon earth, and tell of His wondrous works to my children.
Psalm lxxviii. 3-5.
Moses, Numb. xxxiii. 1, 2, writ of the journeys of the children of
Israel, from Egypt to the land of Canaan; and commanded also that
they did remember their forty years' travel in the wilderness.
Thou shalt remember all the way which the Lord thy God led thee
these forty years in the wilderness, to humble thee, and to prove
thee, and to know what was in thine heart, whether thou wouldst
keep His commandments, or no. Deut. viii. 2. Wherefore this I
have endeavoured to do; and not only so, but to publish it also;
that, if God will, others may be put in remembrance of what He hath
done for their souls, by reading His work upon me.
It is profitable for Christians to be often calling to mind the
very beginnings of grace with their souls. It is a night to be
much observed unto the Lord, for bringing them out from the land of
Egypt. This is that night of the Lord to be observed of all the
children of Israel in their generations. Exod. xii. 42. O my God
(saith David), Ps. xlii. 6, my soul is cast down within me;
therefore will I remember thee from the land of Jordan, and of the
Hermonites, from the hill Mizar. He remembered also the lion and
the bear, when he went to fight with the giant of Gath. 1 Sam.
xvii. 36, 37.
It was Paul's accustomed manner, Acts xxii., and that, when tried
for his life, Acts xxiv., even to open before his judges the manner
of his conversion: he would think of that day, and that hour, in
which he first did meet with grace; for he found it supported him.
When God had brought the children of Israel out of the Red Sea, far
into the wilderness, yet they must turn quite about thither again,
to remember the drowning of their enemies there, Numb. xiv. 25, for
though they sang his praise before, yet they soon forgat his works.
Psalm cvi. 11, 12.
In this discourse of mine, you may see much; much I say, of the
grace of God towards me: I thank God, I can count it much; for it
was above my sins and Satan's temptations too. I can remember my
fears and doubts, and sad months, with comfort; they are as the
head of Goliah in my hand: there was nothing to David like
Goliah's sword, even that sword that should have been sheathed in
his bowels; for the very sight and remembrance of that did preach
forth God's deliverance to him. Oh! the remembrance of my great
sins, of my great temptations, and of my great fear of perishing
for ever! They bring afresh into my mind, the remembrance of my
great help, my great supports from heaven, and the great grace that
God extended to such a wretch as I.
My dear children, call to mind the former days, and years of
ancient times: remember also your songs in the night, and commune
with your own Hearts, Ps. lxxiii. 5-12. Yea, look diligently, and
leave no corner therein unsearched for that treasure hid, even the
treasure of your first and second experience of the grace of God
towards you. Remember, I say, the word that first laid hold upon
you: remember your terrors of conscience, and fear of death and
hell: remember also your tears and prayers to God; yea, how you
sighed under every hedge for mercy. Have you never a hill Mizar to
remember? Have you forgot the close, the milk-house, the stable,
the barn, and the like, where God did visit your souls? Remember
also the word, the word, I say, upon which the Lord hath caused you
to hope: if you have sinned against light, if you are tempted to
blaspheme, if you are drowned in despair, if you think God fights
against you, or if heaven is hid from your eyes; remember it was
thus with your father; but out of them all the Lord delivered me.
I could have enlarged much in this my discourse, of my temptations
and troubles for sin; as also of the merciful kindness and working
of God with my soul: I could also have stepped into a style much
higher than this, in which I have here discoursed, and could have
adorned all things more than here I have seemed to do, but I dare
not: God did not play in tempting of me; neither did I play, when
I sunk as into the bottomless pit, when the pangs of hell caught
hold upon me; wherefore I may not play in relating of them, but be
plain and simple, and lay down the thing as it was; he that liketh
it, let him receive it, and he that doth not, let him produce a
better. Farewell.
My dear Children,
The milk and honey are beyond this wilderness. God be merciful to
you, and grant that you be not slothful to go in to possess the
land.
JOHN BUNYAN.
GRACE ABOUNDING TO THE CHIEF OF SINNERS
OR,
A BRIEF RELATION OF THE EXCEEDING MERCY OF GOD IN CHRIST, TO HIS
POOR SERVANT, JOHN BUNYAN
In this my relation of the merciful working of God upon my soul, it
will not be amiss, if in the first place, I do in a few words give
you a hint of my pedigree, and manner of bringing up; that thereby
the goodness and bounty of God towards me, may be the more advanced
and magnified before the sons of men.
2. For my descent then, it was, as is well known by many, of a low
and inconsiderable generation; my father's house being of that rank
that is meanest, and most despised of all the families in the land.
Wherefore, I have not here, as others, to boast of noble blood, or
of any high-born state, according to the flesh; though, all things
considered, I magnify the heavenly Majesty, for that by this door
He brought me into the world, to partake of the grace and life that
is in Christ by the gospel.
3. But yet, notwithstanding the meanness and inconsiderableness of
my parents, it pleased God to put it into their hearts, to put me
to school, to learn both to read and write; the which I also
attained, according to the rate of other poor men's children:
though, to my shame, I confess, I did soon lose that I had learned,
even almost utterly, and that long before the Lord did work His
gracious work of conversion upon my soul.
4. As for my own natural life, for the time that I was without God
in the world, it was, indeed, according to the course of this world
and the spirit that now worketh in the children of disobedience.
Eph. ii. 2, 3. It was my delight to be 'taken captive by the devil
at his will,' 2 Tim. ii. 26; being filled with all unrighteousness;
the which did also so strongly work, and put forth itself, both in
my heart and life, and that from a child, that I had but few equals
(especially considering my years, which were tender, being but few)
both for cursing, swearing, lying, and blaspheming the holy name of
God.
5. Yea, so settled and rooted was I in these things, that they
became as a second nature to me; the which, as I have also with
soberness considered since, did so offend the Lord, that even in my
childhood he did scare and affrighten me with fearful dreams, and
did terrify me with fearful visions. For often, after I have spent
this and the other day in sin, I have in my bed been greatly
afflicted, while asleep, with the apprehensions of devils and
wicked spirits, who still, as I then thought, laboured to draw me
away with them, of which I could never be rid.
6. Also I should, at these years, be greatly afflicted and
troubled with the thoughts of the fearful torments of hell-fire;
still fearing, that it would be my lot to be found at last among
those devils and hellish fiends, who are there bound down with the
chains and bonds of darkness, unto the judgment of the great day.
7. These things, I say, when I was but a child, but nine or ten
years old, did so distress my soul, that then in the midst of my
many sports and childish vanities, amidst my vain companions, I was
often much cast down, and afflicted in my mind therewith, yet could
I not let go my sins: yea, I was also then so overcome with
despair of life and heaven, that I should often wish, either that
there had been no hell, or that I had been a devil; supposing they
were only tormentors; that if it must needs be, that I went
thither, I might be rather a tormentor, than be tormented myself.
8. A while after those terrible dreams did leave me, which also I
soon forgot; for my pleasures did quickly cut off the remembrance
of them, as if they had never been: wherefore with more
greediness, according to the strength of nature, I did still let
loose the reins of my lust, and delighted in all transgressions
against the law of God: so that until I came to the state of
marriage, I was the very ringleader of all the youth that kept me
company, in all manner of vice and ungodliness.
9. Yea, such prevalency had the lusts and fruits of the flesh in
this poor soul of mine, that had not a miracle of precious grace
prevented, I had not only perished by the stroke of eternal
justice, but had also laid myself open, even to the stroke of those
laws which bring some to disgrace and open shame before the face of
the world.
10. In these days the thoughts of religion were very grievous to
me; I could neither endure it myself, nor that any other should; so
that when I have seen some read in those books that concerned
Christian piety, it would be as it were a prison to me. Then I
said unto God, Depart from me, for I desire not the knowledge of
Thy ways. Job xxi. 14, 15. I was now void of all good
consideration, heaven and hell were both out of sight and mind; and
as for saving and damning, they were least in my thoughts. O Lord,
Thou knowest my life, and my ways were not hid from Thee!
11. But this I well remember, that though I could myself sin with
the greatest delight and ease, and also take pleasure in the
vileness of my companions; yet, even then, if I had at any time
seen wicked things, by those who professed goodness, it would make
my spirit tremble. As once above all the rest, when I was in the
height of vanity, yet hearing one to swear, that was reckoned for a
religious man, it had so great a stroke upon my spirit, that it
made my heart ache.
12. But God did not utterly leave me, but followed me still, not
now with convictions, but judgments; yet such as were mixed with
mercy. For once I fell into a creek of the sea, and hardly escaped
drowning. Another time I fell out of a boat into Bedford river,
but, mercy yet preserved me alive: besides, another time, being in
a field, with one of my companions, it chanced that an adder passed
over the highway, so I having a stick in my hand, struck her over
the back; and having stunned her, I forced open her mouth with my
stick, and plucked her sting out with my fingers; by which act had
not God been merciful unto me, I might by my desperateness, have
brought myself to my end.
13. This also I have taken notice of, with thanksgiving: When I
was a soldier, I with others, were drawn out to go to such a place
to besiege it; but when I was just ready to go, one of the company
desired to go in my room: to which, when I had consented, he took
my place; and coming to the siege, as he stood sentinel, he was
shot in the head with a musket-bullet and died.
14. Here, as I said, were judgments and mercy, but neither of them
did awaken my soul to righteousness; wherefore I sinned still, and
grew more and more rebellious against God, and careless of my own
salvation.
15. Presently after this, I changed my condition into a married
state, and my mercy was, to light upon a wife whose father was
counted godly: This woman and I, though we came together as poor
as poor might be (not having so much household stuff as a dish or a
spoon betwixt us both), yet this she had for her part: The Plain
Man's Pathway to Heaven and The Practice of Piety; which her father
had left her when he died. In these two books I would sometimes
read with her, wherein I also found some things that were somewhat
pleasing to me (but all this while I met with no conviction). She
also would be often telling of me what a godly man her father was,
and how he would reprove and correct vice, both in his house, and
among his neighbours; what a strict and holy life he lived in his
days, both in word and deed.
16. Wherefore these books, with this relation, though they did not
reach my heart, to awaken it about my sad and sinful state, yet
they did beget within me some desires to religion: so that because
I knew no better, I fell in very eagerly with the religion of the
times; to wit, to go to church twice a day, and that too with the
foremost; and there should very devoutly, both say and sing, as
others did, yet retaining my wicked life; but withal, I was so
over-run with the spirit of superstition, that I adored, and that
with great devotion, even all things (both the high-place, priest,
clerk, vestment, service, and what else) belonging to the church;
counting all things holy that were therein contained, and
especially, the priest and clerk most happy, and without doubt,
greatly blessed, because they were the servants, as I then thought,
of God, and were principal in the holy temple, to do His work
therein.
17. This conceit grew so strong in a little time upon my spirit,
that had I but seen a priest (though never so sordid and debauched
in his life), I should find my spirit fall under him, reverence
him, and knit unto him; yea, I thought, for the love I did bear
unto them (supposing them the ministers of God), I could have laid
down at their feet, and have been trampled upon by them; their
name, their garb, and work did so intoxicate and bewitch me.
18. After I had been thus for some considerable time, another
thought came in my mind; and that was, whether we were of the
Israelites or no? For finding in the scripture that they were once
the peculiar people of God, thought I, if I were one of this race,
my soul must needs be happy. Now again, I found within me a great
longing to be resolved about this question, but could not tell how
I should: at last I asked my father of it; who told me, No, we
were not. Wherefore then I fell in my spirit, as to the hopes of
that, and so remained.
19. But all this while, I was not sensible of the danger and evil
of sin; I was kept from considering that sin would damn me, what
religion soever I followed, unless I was found in Christ: nay, I
never thought of Him, or whether there was such a One, or no. Thus
man, while blind, doth wander, but wearieth himself with vanity,
for he knoweth not the way to the city of God. Eccles. x. 15.
20. But one day (amongst all the sermons our parson made) his
subject was, to treat of the Sabbath day, and of the evil of
breaking that, either with labour, sports or otherwise. (Now, I
was, notwithstanding my religion, one that took much delight in all
manner of vice, and especially that was the day that I did solace
myself therewith): wherefore I fell in my conscience under his
sermon, thinking and believing that he made that sermon on purpose
to show me my evil doing. And at that time I felt what guilt was,
though never before, that I can remember; but then I was, for the
present, greatly loaden therewith, and so went home when the sermon
was ended, with a great burthen upon my spirit.
21. This, for that instant did benumb the sinews of my best
delights, and did imbitter my former pleasures to me; but hold, it
lasted not, for before I had well dined, the trouble began to go
off my mind, and my heart returned to its old course: but oh! how
glad was I, that this trouble was gone from me, and that the fire
was put out, that I might sin again without control! Wherefore,
when I had satisfied nature with my food, I shook the sermon out of
my mind, and to my old custom of sports and gaming, I returned with
great delight.
22. But the same day, as I was in the midst of a game of Cat, and
having struck it one blow from the hole, just as I was about to
strike it the second time, a voice did suddenly dart from heaven
into my soul, which said, Wilt thou leave thy sins and go to
heaven, or have thy sins and go to hell? At this I was put to an
exceeding maze; wherefore leaving my cat upon the ground, I looked
up to heaven, and was, as if I had, with the eyes of my
understanding, seen the Lord Jesus looking down upon me, as being
very hotly displeased with me, and as if He did severely threaten
me with some grievous punishment for these and other ungodly
practices.
23. I had no sooner thus conceived in my mind, but, suddenly, this
conclusion was fastened on my spirit (for the former hint did set
my sins again before my face), That I had been a great and grievous
sinner, and that it was now too late for me to look after heaven;
for Christ would not forgive me, nor pardon my transgressions.
Then I fell to musing on this also; and while I was thinking of it,
and fearing lest it should be so; I felt my heart sink in despair,
concluding it was too late; and therefore I resolved in my mind I
would go on in sin: for, thought I, if the case be thus, my state
is surely miserable; miserable if I leave my sins, and but
miserable if I follow them; I can but be damned, and if I must be
so, I had as good be damned for many sins, as be damned for few.
24. Thus I stood in the midst of my play, before all that then
were present: but yet I told them nothing: but I say; having made
this conclusion, I returned desperately to my sport again; and I
well remember, that presently this kind of despair did so possess
my soul, that I was persuaded I could never attain to other comfort
than what I should get in sin; for heaven was gone already, so that
on that I must not think; wherefore I found within me great desire
to take my fill of sin, still studying what sin was yet to be
committed, that I might taste the sweetness of it; and I made as
much haste as I could to fill my belly with its delicates, lest I
should die before I had my desire; for that I feared greatly. In
these things, I protest before God, I lye not, neither do I feign
this form of speech; these were really, strongly, and with all my
heart, my desires: The good Lord, Whose mercy is unsearchable,
forgive me my transgressions!
25. And I am very confident, that this temptation of the devil is
more usual among poor creatures, than many are aware of, even to
over-run the spirits with a scurvy and seared frame of heart, and
benumbing of conscience, which frame he stilly and slily supplieth
with such despair, that, though not much guilt attendeth souls, yet
they continually have a secret conclusion within them, that there
is no hope for them; for they have loved sins, therefore after them
they will go. Jer. ii. 25, and xviii. 12.
26. Now therefore I went on in sin with great greediness of mind,
still grudging that I could not be so satisfied with it, as I
would. This did continue with me about a month, or more; but one
day, as I was standing at a neighbour's shop window, and there
cursing and swearing, and playing the madman, after my wonted
manner, there sate within, the woman of the house, and heard me;
who, though she also was a very loose and ungodly wretch, yet
protested that I swore and cursed at that most fearful rate, that
she was made to tremble to hear me; and told me further, that I was
the ungodliest fellow for swearing, that she ever heard in all her
life; and that I, by thus doing, was able to spoil all the youth in
the whole town, if they come but in my company.
27. At this reproof I was silenced, and put to secret shame; and
that too, as I thought, before the God of heaven; wherefore, while
I stood there, and hanging down my head, I wished with all my heart
that I might be a little child again, that my father might learn me
to speak without this wicked way of swearing; for, thought I, I am
so accustomed to it, that it is in vain for me to think of a
reformation; for I thought it could never be.
28. But how it came to pass, I know not; I did from this time
forward, so leave my swearing, that it was a great wonder to myself
to observe it; and whereas before I knew not how to speak unless I
put an oath before, and another behind, to make my words have
authority; now I could, without it, speak better, and with more
pleasantness than ever I could before. All this while I knew not
Jesus Christ, neither did I leave my sports and plays.
29. But quickly after this, I fell into company with one poor man
that made profession of religion; who, as I then thought, did talk
pleasantly of the scriptures, and of the matters of religion;
wherefore falling into some love and liking to what he said, I
betook me to my Bible, and began to take great pleasure in reading,
but especially with the historical part thereof; for as for Paul's
Epistles, and such like scriptures, I could not away with them,
being as yet ignorant, either of the corruptions of my nature, or
of the want and worth of Jesus Christ to save me.
30. Wherefore I fell to some outward reformation both in my words
and life, and did set the commandments before me for my way to
heaven; which commandments I also did strive to keep, and, as I
thought, did keep them pretty well sometimes, and then I should
have comfort; yet now and then should break one, and so afflict my
conscience; but then I should repent, and say, I was sorry for it,
and promise God to do better next time, and there get help again;
for then I thought I pleased God as well as any man in England.
31. Thus I continued about a year; all which time our neighbours
did take me to be a very godly man, a new and religious man, and
did marvel much to see such a great and famous alteration in my
life and manners; and indeed so it was, though yet I knew not
Christ, nor grace, nor faith, nor hope; for, as I have well seen
since, had I then died, my state had been most fearful.
32. But, I say, my neighbours were amazed at this my great
conversion, from prodigious profaneness, to something like a moral
life; and truly, so they well might; for this my conversion was as
great, as for Tom of Bethlehem to become a sober man. Now
therefore they began to praise, to commend, and to speak well of
me, both to my face, and behind my back. Now I was, as they said,
become godly; now I was become a right honest man. But oh! when I
understood these were their words and opinions of me, it pleased me
mighty well. For, though as yet I was nothing but a poor painted
hypocrite, yet, I loved to be talked of as one that was truly
godly. I was proud of my godliness, and indeed, I did all I did,
either to be seen of, or to be well spoken of, by men: and thus I
continued for about a twelvemonth, or more.
33. Now you must know, that, before this, I had taken much delight
in ringing, but my conscience beginning to be tender, I thought
such practice was but vain, and therefore forced myself to leave
it; yet my mind hankered; wherefore I would go to the steeple-
house, and look on, though I durst not ring: but I thought this
did not become religion neither; yet I forced myself, and would
look on still, but quickly after, I began to think, how if one of
the bells should fall? Then I chose to stand under a main beam,
that lay overthwart the steeple, from side to side, thinking here I
might stand sure; but then I should think again, should the bell
fall with a swing, it might first hit the wall, and then,
rebounding upon me, might kill me for all this beam; this made me
stand in the steeple-door; and now, thought I, I am safe enough;
for if the bell should now fall, I can slip out behind these thick
walls, and so be preserved notwithstanding.
34. So after this I would yet go to see them ring, but would not
go any farther than the steeple-door; but then it came into my
head, how if the steeple itself should fall? And this thought (it
may for aught I know) when I stood and looked on, did continually
so shake my mind, that I durst not stand at the steeple-door any
longer, but was forced to flee, for fear the steeple should fall
upon my head.
35. Another thing was, my dancing; I was a full year before I
could quite leave that; but all this while, when I thought I kept
this or that commandment, or did, by word or deed, anything that I
thought was good, I had great peace in my conscience, and should
think with myself, God cannot choose but be now pleased with me;
yea, to relate it in mine own way, I thought no man in England
could please God better than I.
36. But poor wretch as I was! I was all this while ignorant of
Jesus Christ; and going about to establish my own righteousness;
and had perished therein, had not God in mercy showed me more of my
state by nature.
37. But upon a day, the good providence of God called me to
Bedford, to work on my calling; and in one of the streets of that
town, I came where there were three or four poor women sitting at a
door, in the sun, talking about the things of God; and being now
willing to hear them discourse, I drew near to hear what they said,
for I was now a brisk talker also myself, in the matters of
religion; but I may say, I heard but understood not; for they were
far above, out of my reach. Their talk was about a new birth, the
work of God on their hearts, also how they were convinced of their
miserable state by nature; they talked how God had visited their
souls with His love in the Lord Jesus, and with what words and
promises they had been refreshed, comforted, and supported, against
the temptations of the devil: moreover, they reasoned of the
suggestions and temptations of Satan in particular; and told to
each other, by which they had been afflicted and how they were
borne up under his assaults. They also discoursed of their own
wretchedness of heart, and of their unbelief; and did contemn,
slight and abhor their own righteousness, as filthy, and
insufficient to do them any good.
38. And, methought, they spake as if joy did make them speak; they
spake with such pleasantness of scripture language, and with such
appearance of grace in all they said, that they were to me, as if
they had found a new world; as if they were people that dwelt
alone, and were not to be reckoned among their neighbours. Numb.
xxiii. 9.
39. At this I felt my own heart began to shake, and mistrust my
condition to be naught; for I saw that in all my thoughts about
religion and salvation, the new-birth did never enter into my mind;
neither knew I the comfort of the word and promise, nor the
deceitfulness and treachery of my own wicked heart. As for secret
thoughts, I took no notice of them; neither did I understand what
Satan's temptations were, nor how they were to be withstood, and
resisted, etc.
40. Thus, therefore, when I had heard and considered what they
said, I left them, and went about my employment again, but their
talk and discourse went with me; also my heart would tarry with
them, for I was greatly affected with their words, both because by
them I was convinced that I wanted the true tokens of a truly godly
man, and also because by them I was convinced of the happy and
blessed condition of him that was such a one.
41. Therefore I should often make it my business to be going again
and again into the company of these poor people; for I could not
stay away; and the more I went amongst them, the more I did
question my condition; and as I still do remember, presently I
found two things within me, at which I did sometimes marvel
(especially considering what a blind, ignorant, sordid and ungodly
wretch but just before I was). The one was a very great softness
and tenderness of heart, which caused me to fall under the
conviction of what by scripture they asserted, and the other was a
great bending in my mind, to a continual meditating on it, and on
all other good things, which at any time I heard or read of.
42. By these things my mind was now so turned, that it lay like an
horse-leech at the vein, still crying out, Give, Give, Prov. xxx.
15; yea, it was so fixed on eternity, and on the things about the
kingdom of heaven (that is, so far as I knew, though as yet, God
knows, I knew but little), that neither pleasures, nor profits, nor
persuasions, nor threats, could loose it, or make it let go its
hold; and though I may speak it with shame, yet it is in very deed,
a certain truth, it would then have been as difficult for me to
have taken my mind from heaven to earth, as I have found it often
since, to get again from earth to heaven.
43. One thing I may not omit: There was a young man in our town,
to whom my heart before was knit, more than to any other, but he
being a most wicked creature for cursing, and swearing, and
whoreing, I now shook him off, and forsook his company; but about a
quarter of a year after I had left him, I met him in a certain
lane, and asked him how he did: he, after his old swearing and mad
way, answered, he was well. But, Harry, said I, why do you curse
and swear thus? What will become of you, if you die in this
condition? He answered me in a great chafe, What would the devil
do for company, if it were not for such as I am?
44. About this time I met with some Ranters' books, that were put
forth by some of our countrymen, which books were also highly in
esteem by several old professors; some of these I read, but was not
able to make any judgment about them; wherefore as I read in them,
and thought upon them (seeing myself unable to judge), I would
betake myself to hearty prayer in this manner. O Lord, I am a
fool, and not able to know the truth from error: Lord, leave me
not to my own blindness, either to approve of or condemn this
doctrine; if it be of God, let me not despise it; if it be of the
devil, let me not embrace it. Lord, I lay my soul in this matter
only at Thy foot, let me not be deceived, I humbly beseech Thee. I
had one religious intimate companion all this while, and that was
the poor man I spoke of before; but about this time, he also turned
a most devilish Ranter, and gave himself up to all manner of
filthiness, especially uncleanness: he would also deny that there
was a God, angel, or spirit; and would laugh at all exhortations to
sobriety; when I laboured to rebuke his wickedness he would laugh
the more, and pretend that he had gone through all religions, and
could never light on the right till now. He told me also, that in
a little time I should see all professors turn to the ways of the
Ranters. Wherefore, abominating those cursed principles, I left
his company forthwith, and became to him as great a stranger, as I
had been before a familiar.
45. Neither was this man only a temptation to me, but my calling
lying in the country, I happened to light into several people's
company, who though strict in religion formerly, yet were also
swept away by these Ranters. These would also talk with me of
their ways, and condemn me as legal and dark; pretending that they
only had attained to perfection, that could do what they would and
not sin. Oh! these temptations were suitable to my flesh, I being
but a young man and my nature in its prime; but God, who had, as I
hoped, designed me for better things, kept me in the fear of His
name, and did not suffer me to accept such cursed principles. And
blessed be God, Who put it into my heart to cry to Him to be kept
and directed, still distrusting my own wisdom; for I have since
seen even the effects of that prayer, in His preserving me, not
only from Ranting errors, but from those also that have sprung up
since. The Bible was precious to me in those days.
46. And now methought, I began to look into the Bible with new
eyes, and read as I never did before, and especially the epistles
of the apostle St Paul were sweet and pleasant to me; and indeed I
was then never out of the Bible, either by reading or meditation;
still crying out to God, that I might know the truth, and way to
heaven and glory.
47. And as I went on and read, I lighted upon that passage, To one
is given, by the Spirit, the word of wisdom; to another the word
knowledge by the same Spirit; and to another faith, etc. 1 Cor.
xii. And though, as I have since seen, that by this scripture the
Holy Ghost intends, in special, things extraordinary, yet on me it
did then fasten with conviction, that I did want things ordinary,
even that understanding and wisdom that other Christians had. On
this word I mused, and could not tell what to do, especially this
word 'Faith' put me to it, for I could not help it, but sometimes
must question, whether I had any faith, or no; but I was loath to
conclude, I had no faith; for if I do so, thought I, then I shall
count myself a very cast-away indeed.
48. No, said I, with myself, though I am convinced that I am an
ignorant sot, and that I want those blessed gifts of knowledge and
understanding that other people have; yet at a venture I will
conclude, I am not altogether faithless, though I know not what
faith is; for it was shewn me, and that too (as I have seen since)
by Satan, that those who conclude themselves in a faithless state,
have neither rest nor quiet in their souls; and I was loath to fall
quite into despair.
49. Wherefore by this suggestion I was, for a while, made afraid
to see my want of faith; but God would not suffer me thus to undo
and destroy my soul, but did continually, against this my sad and
blind conclusion, create still within me such suppositions,
insomuch that I could not rest content, until I did now come to
some certain knowledge, whether I had faith or no, this always
running in my mind, But how if you want faith indeed? But how can
you tell you have faith? And besides, I saw for certain, if I had
not, I was sure to perish for ever.
50. So that though I endeavoured at the first to look over the
business of Faith, yet in a little time, I better considering the
matter, was willing to put myself upon the trial whether I had
faith or no. But alas, poor wretch! so ignorant and brutish was I,
that I knew not to this day no more how to do it, than I know how
to begin and accomplish that rare and curious piece of art, which I
never yet saw or considered.
51. Wherefore while I was thus considering, and being put to my
plunge about it (for you must know, that as yet I had in this
matter broken my mind to no man, only did hear and consider), the
tempter came in with this delusion, That there was no way for me to
know I had faith, but by trying to work some miracle; urging those
scriptures that seem to look that way, for the enforcing and
strengthening his temptation. Nay, one day, as I was between
Elstow and Bedford, the temptation was hot upon me, to try if I had
faith, by doing some miracle; which miracle at this time was this,
I must say to the puddles that were in the horsepads, Be dry; and
to the dry places, Be you puddles: and truly one time I was going
to say so indeed; but just as I was about to speak, this thought
came into my mind; But go under yonder hedge and pray first, that
God would make you able. But when I had concluded to pray, this
came hot upon me; That if I prayed, and came again and tried to do
it, and yet did nothing notwithstanding, then to be sure I had no
faith, but was a cast-away, and lost; nay, thought I, if it be so,
I will not try yet, but will stay a little longer.
52. So I continued at a great loss; for I thought, if they only
had faith, which could do so wonderful things, then I concluded,
that for the present I neither had it, nor yet for the time to
come, were ever like to have it. Thus I was tossed betwixt the
devil and my own ignorance, and so perplexed, especially at some
times, that I could not tell what to do.
53. About this time, the state and happiness of these poor people
at Bedford was thus, in a kind of a vision, presented to me, I saw
as if they were on the sunny side of some high mountain, there
refreshing themselves with the pleasant beams of the sun, while I
was shivering and shrinking in the cold, afflicted with frost, snow
and dark clouds: methought also, betwixt me and them, I saw a wall
that did compass about this mountain, now through this wall my soul
did greatly desire to pass; concluding, that if I could, I would
even go into the very midst of them, and there also comfort myself
with the heat of their sun.
54. About this wall I bethought myself, to go again and again,
still prying as I went, to see if I could find some way or passage,
by which I might enter therein: but none could I find for some
time: at the last, I saw, as it were, a narrow gap, like a little
door-way in the wall, through which I attempted to pass: Now the
passage being very strait and narrow, I made many offers to get in,
but all in vain, even until I was well-nigh quite beat out, by
striving to get in; at last, with great striving, methought I at
first did get in my head, and after that, by a sideling striving,
my shoulders, and my whole body; then I was exceeding glad, went
and sat down in the midst of them, and so was comforted with the
light and heat of their sun.
55. Now this mountain, and wall, etc., was thus made out to me:
The mountain signified the church of the living God: the sun that
shone thereon, the comfortable shining of His merciful face on them
that were therein; the wall I thought was the word, that did make
separation between the Christians and the world; and the gap which
was in the wall, I thought, was Jesus Christ, Who is the way to God
the Father. John xiv. 6; Matt. vii. 14. But forasmuch as the
passage was wonderful narrow, even so narrow that I could not, but
with great difficulty, enter in thereat, it showed me, that none
could enter into life, but those that were in downright earnest,
and unless also they left that wicked world behind them; for here
was only room for body and soul, but not for body and soul and sin.
56. This resemblance abode upon my spirit many days; all which
time I saw myself in a forlorn and sad condition, but yet was
provoked to a vehement hunger and desire to be one of that number
that did sit in the sunshine: Now also I should pray wherever I
was: whether at home or abroad; in house or field; and would also
often, with lifting up of heart, sing that of the fifty-first
Psalm, O Lord, consider my distress; for as yet I knew not where I
was.
57. Neither as yet could I attain to any comfortable persuasion
that I had faith in Christ; but instead of having satisfaction
here, I began to find my soul to be assaulted with fresh doubts
about my future happiness; especially with such as these, whether I
was elected? But how, if the day of grace should now be past and
gone?
58. By these two temptations I was very much afflicted and
disquieted; sometimes by one, and sometimes by the other of them.
And first, to speak of that about my questioning my election, I
found at this time, that though I was in a flame to find the way to
heaven and glory, and though nothing could beat me off from this,
yet this question did so offend and discourage me, that I was,
especially sometimes, as if the very strength of my body also had
been taken away by the force and power thereof. This scripture did
also seem to me to trample upon all my desires; It is not of him
that willeth, nor of him that runneth; but of God that showeth
mercy. Rom. ix. 16.
59. With this scripture I could not tell what to do: for I
evidently saw, unless that the great God, of His infinite grace and
bounty, had voluntarily chosen me to be a vessel of mercy, though I
should desire, and long, and labour until my heart did break, no
good could come of it. Therefore this would stick with me, How can
you tell that you are elected? And what if you should not? How
then?
60. O Lord, thought I, what if I should not indeed? It may be you
are not, said the Tempter; it may be so indeed, thought I. Why
then, said Satan, you had as good leave off, and strive no farther;
for if indeed, you should not be elected and chosen of God, there
is no talk of your being saved; For it is not of him that willeth,
nor of him that runneth; but of God that showeth mercy.
61. By these things I was driven to my wits' end, not knowing what
to say, or how to answer these temptations: (indeed, I little
thought that Satan had thus assaulted me, but that rather it was my
own prudence thus to start the question): for that the elect only
attained eternal life; that, I without scruple did heartily close
withal; but that myself was one of them, there lay the question.
62. Thus therefore, for several days, I was greatly assaulted and
perplexed, and was often, when I have been walking, ready to sink
where I went, with faintness in my mind; but one day, after I had
been so many weeks oppressed and cast down therewith as I was now
quite giving up the ghost of all my hopes of ever attaining life,
that sentence fell with weight upon my spirit, Look at the
generations of old, and see; did ever any trust in God, and were
confounded?
63. At which I was greatly lightened, and encouraged in my soul;
for thus, at that very instant, it was expounded to me: Begin at
the beginning of Genesis, and read to the end of the Revelations,
and see if you can find, that there were ever any that trusted in
the Lord, and were confounded. So coming home, I presently went to
my Bible, to see if I could find that saying, not doubting but to
find it presently; for it was so fresh, and with such strength and
comfort on my spirit, that it was as if it talked with me.
64. Well, I looked, but I found it not; only it abode upon me:
Then did I ask first this good man, and then another, if they knew
where it was, but they knew no such place. At this I wondered,
that such a sentence should so suddenly, and with such comfort and
strength, seize, and abide upon my heart; and yet that none could
find it (for I doubted not but that it was in holy scripture).
65. Thus I continued above a year, and could not find the place;
but at last, casting my eye upon the Apocrypha books, I found it in
Ecclesiasticus, Eccles. ii. 10. This, at the first, did somewhat
daunt me; but because by this time I had got more experience of the
love and kindness of God, it troubled me the less, especially when
I considered that though it was not in those texts that we call
holy and canonical; yet forasmuch as this sentence was the sum and
substance of many of the promises, it was my duty to take the
comfort of it; and I bless God for that word, for it was of God to
me: that word doth still at times shine before my face.
66. After this, that other doubt did come with strength upon me,
But how if the day of grace should be past and gone? How if you
have overstood the time of mercy? Now I remember that one day, as
I was walking in the country, I was much in the thoughts of this,
But how if the day of grace is past? And to aggravate my trouble,
the Tempter presented to my mind those good people of Bedford, and
suggested thus unto me, that these being converted already, they
were all that God would save in those parts; and that I came too
late, for these had got the blessing before I came.
67. Now I was in great distress, thinking in very deed that this
might well be so; wherefore I went up and down, bemoaning my sad
condition; counting myself far worse than a thousand fools for
standing off thus long, and spending so many years in sin as I had
done; still crying out, Oh! that I had turned sooner! Oh! that I
had turned seven years ago! It made me also angry with myself, to
think that I should have no more wit, but to trifle away my time,
till my soul and heaven were lost.
68. But when I had been long vexed with this fear, and was scarce
able to take one step more, just about the same place where I
received my other encouragement, these words broke in upon my mind,
Compel them to come in, that my house may be filled; and yet there
is room. Luke xiv. 22, 23. These words, but especially those, And
yet there is room, were sweet words to me; for truly I thought that
by them I saw there was place enough in heaven for me; and
moreover, that when the Lord Jesus did speak these words, He then
did think of me: and that He knowing that the time would come,
that I should be afflicted with fear, that there was no place left
for me in His bosom, did before speak this word, and leave it upon
record, that I might find help thereby against this vile
temptation. This I then verily believed.
69. In the light and encouragement of this word I went a pretty
while; and the comfort was the more, when I thought that the Lord
Jesus should think on me so long ago, and that He should speak
those words on purpose for my sake; for I did think verily, that He
did on purpose speak them to encourage me withal.
70. But I was not without my temptations to go back again;
temptations I say, both from Satan, mine own heart, and carnal
acquaintance; but I thank God these were outweighed by that sound
sense of death, and of the day of judgment, which abode, as it
were, continually in my view: I would often also think on
Nebuchadnezzar; of whom it is said, He had given him all the
kingdoms of the earth. Dan. v. 18, 19. Yet, thought I, if this
great man had all his portion in this world, one hour in hell-fire
would make him forget all. Which consideration was a great help to
me.
71. I was also made, about this time, to see something concerning
the beasts that Moses counted clean and unclean: I thought those
beasts were types of men; the clean, types of them that were the
people of God; but the unclean, types of such as were the children
of the wicked one. Now I read, that the clean beasts chewed the
cud; that is, thought I, they show us, we must feed upon the word
of God: they also parted the hoof. I thought that signified, we
must part, if we would be saved, with the ways of ungodly men. And
also, in further reading about them, I found, that though we did
chew the cud, as the hare; yet if we walked with claws, like a dog;
or if we did part the hoof, like the swine, yet if we did not chew
the cud, as the sheep, we were still, for all that, but unclean:
for I thought the hare to be a type of those that talk of the word,
yet walk in the ways of sin; and that the swine was like him that
parted with his outward pollutions, but still wanteth the word of
faith, without which there could be no way of salvation, let a man
be never so devout. Deut. xiv. After this, I found by reading the
word, that those that must be glorified with Christ in another
world must be called by Him here; called to the partaking of a
share in His word and righteousness, and to the comforts and first-
fruits of His Spirit; and to a peculiar interest in all those
heavenly things, which do indeed prepare the soul for that rest,
and house of glory, which is in heaven above.
72. Here again I was at a very I great stand, not knowing what to
do, fearing I was not called; for, thought I, if I be not called,
what then can do me good? None but those who are effectually
called inherit the kingdom of heaven. But oh! how I now loved
those words that spake of a Christian's calling! as when the Lord
said to one, Follow Me; and to another, Come after Me: and oh,
thought I, that He would say so to me too: how gladly would I run
after Him!
73. I cannot now express with what longings and breathings in my
soul, I cried to Christ to call me. Thus I continued for a time,
all on a flame to be converted to Jesus Christ; and did also see at
that day, such glory in a converted state, that I could not be
contented without a share therein. Gold! could it have been gotten
for gold, what would I have given for it? Had I had a whole world,
it had all gone ten thousand times over for this, that my soul
might have been in a converted state.
74. How lovely now was every one in my eyes, that I thought to be
converted men and women. They shone, they walked like a people
that carried the broad seal of heaven about them. Oh! I saw the
lot was fallen to them in pleasant places, and they had a goodly
heritage. Psalm xvi. But that which made me sick, was that of
Christ, in St Mark, He goeth up into a mountain, and calleth unto
Him whom He would, and they came unto Him. Mark iii. 13.
75. This scripture made me faint and fear, yet it kindled fire in
my soul. That which made me fear, was this; lest Christ should
have no liking to me, for He called whom He would. But oh! the
glory that I saw in that condition, did still so engage my heart,
that I could seldom read of any that Christ did call, but I
presently wished, Would I had been in their clothes, would I had
been born Peter; would I had been born John; or, would I had been
by and had heard Him when He called them, how would I have cried, O
Lord, call me also! But, oh! I feared He would not call me.
76. And truly, the Lord let me go thus many months together, and
shewed me nothing; either that I was already, or should be called
hereafter: but at last after much time spent, and many groans to
God, that I might be made partaker of the holy and heavenly
calling; that word came in upon me: I will cleanse their blood,
that I have not cleansed, for the Lord dwelleth in Zion. Joel iii.
21. These words I thought were sent to encourage me to wait still
upon God; and signified unto me, that if I were not already, yet
time might come, I might be in truth converted unto Christ.
77. About this time I began to break my mind to those poor people
in Bedford, and to tell them my condition; which when they had
heard, they told Mr Gifford of me, who himself also took occasion
to talk with me, and was willing to be well persuaded of me, though
I think from little grounds: but he invited me to his house, where
I should hear him confer with others, about the dealings of God
with their souls; from all which I still received more conviction,
and from that time began to see something of the vanity and inward
wretchedness of my wicked heart; for as yet I knew no great matter
therein; but now it began to be discovered unto me, and also to
work at that rate as it never did before. Now I evidently found,
that lusts and corruptions put forth themselves within me, in
wicked thoughts and desires, which I did not regard before; my
desires also for heaven and life began to fail; I found also, that
whereas before my soul was full of longing after God, now it began
to hanker after every foolish vanity; yea, my heart would not be
moved to mind that which was good; it began to be careless, both of
my soul and heaven; it would now continually hang back, both to,
and in every duty; and was as a clog on the leg of a bird, to
hinder me from flying.
78. Nay, thought I, now I grow worse and worse: now I am farther
from conversion than ever I was before. Wherefore I began to sink
greatly in my soul, and began to entertain such discouragement in
my heart, as laid me as low as hell. If now I should have burned
at the stake, I could not believe that Christ had love for me:
alas! I could neither hear Him, nor see Him, nor feel Him, nor
favour any of His things; I was driven as with a tempest, my heart
would be unclean, and the Canaanites would dwell in the land.
79. Sometimes I would tell my condition to the people of God;
which, when they heard, they would pity me, and would tell me of
the promises; but they had as good have told me, that I must reach
the sun with my finger, as have bidden me receive or rely upon the
promises: and as soon I should have done it. All my sense and
feeling were against me; and I saw I had an heart that would sin,
and that lay under a law that would condemn.
80. These things have often made me think of the child which the
father brought to Christ, who, while he was yet coming to Him, was
thrown down by the devil, and also so rent and torn by him, that he
lay down and wallowed, foaming. Luke ix. 42; Mark ix. 20.
81. Further, in these days, I would find my heart to shut itself
up against the Lord, and against His holy word: I have found my
unbelief to set, as it were, the shoulder to the door, to keep Him
out; and that too even then, when I have with many a bitter sigh,
cried, Good Lord, break it open: Lord, break these gates of brass,
and cut these bars of iron asunder. Psalm cvii. 16. Yet that word
would sometimes create in my heart a peaceable pause, I girded
thee, though thou hast not known Me. Isaiah xlv. 5.
82. But all this while, as to the act of sinning, I was never more
tender than now: my hinder parts were inward: I durst not take a
pin or stick, though but so big as a straw; for my conscience now
was sore, and would smart at every touch: I could not now tell how
to speak my words, for fear I should misplace them. Oh, how
gingerly did I then go, in all I did or said! I found myself as on
a miry bog, that shook if I did but stir, and was, as there, left
both of God and Christ, and the Spirit, and all good things.
83. But I observed, though I was such a great sinner before
conversion, yet God never much charged the guilt of the sins of my
ignorance upon me; only He showed me, I was lost if I had not
Christ, because I had been a sinner: I saw that I wanted a perfect
righteousness to present me without fault before God, and this
righteousness was no where to be found, but in the Person of Jesus
Christ.
84. But my original and inward pollution; That, that was my plague
and affliction, that I saw at a dreadful rate, always putting forth
itself within me; that I had the guilt of, to amazement; by reason
of that, I was more loathsome in mine own eyes than was a toad, and
I thought I was so in God's eyes too: Sin and corruption, I said,
would as naturally bubble out of my heart, as water would bubble
out of a fountain: I thought now, that every one had a better
heart than I had; I could have changed heart with any body; I
thought none but the devil himself could equalise me for inward
wickedness and pollution of mind. I fell therefore at the sight of
my own vileness deeply into despair; for I concluded, that this
condition that I was in, could not stand with a state of grace.
Sure, thought I, I am forsaken of God; sure, I am given up to the
devil, and to a reprobate mind: and thus I continued a long while,
even for some years together.
85. While I was thus afflicted with the fears of my own damnation,
there were two things would make me wonder; the one was, when I saw
old people hunting after the things of this life, as if they should
live here always: the other was, when I found professors much
distressed and cast down, when they met with outward losses; as of
husband, wife, child, etc. Lord, thought I, what a-do is here
about such little things as these! What seeking after carnal
things, by some, and what grief in others for the loss of them! if
they so much labour after, and shed so many tears for the things of
this present life, how am I to be bemoaned, pitied, and prayed for!
My soul is dying, my soul is damning. Were my soul but in a good
condition, and were I but sure of it, ah! how rich should I esteem
myself, though blessed but with bread and water! I should count
those but small afflictions, and should bear them as little
burthens. A wounded spirit who can bear!
86. And though I was much troubled, and tossed, and afflicted, with
the sight and sense and terror of my own wickedness, yet I was
afraid to let this sight and sense go quite off my mind: that
unless guilt of conscience was taken off the right way, that is, by
the blood of Christ a man grew rather worse for the loss of his
trouble of mind, than better. Wherefore, if my guilt lay hard upon
me, then I should cry that the blood of Christ might take it off:
and if it was going off without it (for the sense of sin would be
sometimes as if it would die, and go quite away), then I would also
strive to fetch it upon my heart again, by bringing the punishment
of sin in hell fire upon my spirit; and should cry, Lord, let it
not go off my heart, but the right way, by the blood of Christ, and
the application of Thy mercy, through Him, to my soul, for that
scripture lay much upon me, without shedding of blood is no
remission. Heb. ix. 22. And that which made me the more afraid of
this, was, because I had seen some, who though when they were under
wounds of conscience, would cry and pray; yet seeking rather
present ease from their trouble, than pardon for their sin, cared
not how they lost their guilt, so they got it out of their mind:
now, having got it off the wrong way, it was not sanctified unto
them; but they grew harder and blinder, and more wicked after their
trouble. This made me afraid, and made me cry to God the more,
that it might not be so with me.
87. And now I was sorry that God had made me man, for I feared I
was a reprobate; I counted man as unconverted, the most doleful of
all the creatures. Thus being afflicted and tossed about my sad
condition, I counted myself alone, and above the most of men
unblessed.
88. Yea, I thought it impossible that ever I should attain to so
much goodness of heart, as to thank God that He had made me a man.
Man indeed is the most noble by creation, of all creatures in the
visible world; but by sin he has made himself the most ignoble.
The beasts, birds, fishes, etc. I blessed their condition; for
they had not a sinful nature; they were not obnoxious to the wrath
of God; they were not to go to hell-fire after death; I could
therefore have rejoiced, had my condition been as any of theirs.
89. In this condition I went a great while, but when comforting
time was come, I heard one preach a sermon on these words in the
song, Song iv. 1, Behold, thou art fair, my love, behold, thou art
fair. But at that time he made these two words, my love, his chief
and subject matter: from which, after he had a little opened the
text, he observed these several conclusions: 1. That the church,
and so every saved soul, is Christ's love, when loveless. 2.
Christ's love without a cause. 3. Christ's love, when hated of the
world. 4. Christ's love, when under temptation and under
destruction. 5. Christ's love, from first to last.
90. But I got nothing by what he said at present; only when he
came to the application of the fourth particular, this was the word
he said; If it be so, that the saved soul is Christ's love, when
under temptation and desertion; then poor tempted soul, when thou
art assaulted, and afflicted with temptations, and the hidings of
God's face, yet think on these two words, 'My love,' still.
91. So as I was going home, these words came again into my
thoughts; and I well remember, as they came in, I said thus in my
heart, What shall I get by thinking on these two words? This
thought had no sooner passed through my heart, but these words
began thus to kindle in my spirit, Thou art My Love, thou art My
Dove, twenty times together; and still as they ran in my mind, they
waxed stronger and warmer, and began to make me look up; but being
as yet, between hope and fear, I still replied in my heart, But is
it true, but is it true? At which that sentence fell upon me, He
wist not that it was true, which was done by the Angel. Acts xii.
9.
92. Then I began to give place to the word which with power, did
over and over make this joyful sound within my soul, 'Thou art my
Love, thou art My Love, and nothing shall separate thee from My
Love. And with that my heart was filled full of comfort and hope,
and now I could believe that my sins should be forgiven me; yea, I
was now so taken with the love and mercy of God, that I remember I
could not tell how to contain till I got home: I thought I could
have spoken of His love, and have told of His mercy to me, even to
the very crows, that sat upon the ploughed lands before me, had
they been capable to have understood me: wherefore I said in my
soul, with much gladness, Well, I would I had a pen and ink here, I
would write this down before I go any farther; for surely I will
not forget this forty years hence. But, alas! within less than
forty days I began to question all again; which made me begin to
question all still.
93. Yet still at times I was helped to believe, that it was a true
manifestation of grace unto my soul, though I had lost much of the
life and favour of it. Now about a week or a fortnight after this
I was much followed by this scripture, Simon, Simon; behold, Satan
hath desired to have you, Luke xxii. 31, and sometimes it would
sound so loud within me, yea, and as it was, call so strongly after
me, that once, above all the rest, I turned my head over my
shoulder, thinking verily that some man had behind me, called me;
being at a great distance, methought he called so loud: it came,
as I have thought since, to have stirred me up to prayer, and to
watchfulness: it came to acquaint me, that a cloud and a storm was
coming down upon me: but I understood it not.
94. Also, as I remember, that time that it called to me so loud,
was the last time that it sounded in mine ears; but me thinks I
hear still with what a loud voice these words, Simon, Simon,
sounded in mine ears. I thought verily, as I have told you, that
somebody had called after me, that was half a mile behind me: and
although that was not my name, yet it made me suddenly look behind
me, believing that he that called so loud, meant me.
95. But so foolish was I, and ignorant, that I knew not the reason
of this sound; (which as I did both see and feel soon after, was
sent from heaven as an alarm, to awaken me to provide for what was
coming,) only I should muse and wonder in my mind, to think what
should be the reason of this scripture, and that at this rate, so
often and so loud, should still be sounding and rattling in mine
ears: but, as I said before, I soon after perceived the end of God
therein.
96. For, about the space of a month after, a very great storm came
down upon me, which handled me twenty times worse than all I had
met with before; it came stealing upon me, now by one piece, then
by another: First, all my comfort was taken from me; then darkness
seized upon me; after which, whole floods of blasphemies, both
against God, Christ, and the scriptures, were poured upon my
spirit, to my great confusion and astonishment. These blasphemous
thoughts were such as stirred up questions in me against the very
being of God, and of His only beloved Son: As, whether there were
in truth, a God or Christ? And whether the holy scriptures were
not rather a fable, and cunning story, than the holy and pure word
of God?
97. The tempter would also much assault me with this, How can you
tell but that the Turks had as good scriptures to prove their
Mahomet the Saviour, as we have to prove our Jesus is? And, could
I think, that so many ten thousands, in so many countries and
kingdoms, should be without the knowledge of the right way to
heaven, (if there were indeed a heaven); and that we only, who live
in a corner of the earth, should alone be blessed therewith? Every
one doth think his own religion rightest, both Jews and Moors, and
Pagans; and how if all our faith, and Christ, and scriptures,
should be but a think so too?
98. Sometimes I have endeavoured to argue against these
suggestions, and to set some of the sentences of blessed Paul
against them; but alas! I quickly felt, when I thus did, such
arguings as these would return again upon me, Though we made so
great a matter of Paul, and of his words, yet how could I tell, but
that in very deed, he being a subtle and cunning man, might give
himself up to deceive with strong delusions: and also take the
pains and travel, to undo and destroy his fellows.
99. These suggestions, (with many others which at this time I may
not, and dare not utter, neither by word or pen,) did make such a
seizure upon my spirit, and did so overweigh my heart, both with
their number, continuance, and fiery force, that I felt as if there
were nothing else but these from morning to night within me; and as
though indeed there could be room for nothing else; and also
concluded, that God had, in very wrath to my soul, given me up to
them, to be carried away with them, as with a mighty whirlwind.
100. Only by the distaste that they gave unto my spirit, I felt
there was something in me that refused to embrace them. But this
consideration I then only had, when God gave me leave to swallow my
spittle; otherwise the noise, and strength, and force of these
temptations would drown and overflow, and as it were, bury all such
thoughts, or the remembrance of any such thing. While I was in
this temptation, I often found my mind suddenly put upon it to
curse and swear, or to speak some grievous thing against God, or
Christ His Son, and of the scriptures.
101. Now I thought, surely I am possessed of the devil: at other
times, again, I thought I should be bereft of my wits; for instead
of lauding and magnifying God the Lord, with others, if I have but
heard Him spoken of, presently some most horrible blasphemous
thought or other would bolt out of my heart against Him; so that
whether I did think that God was, or again did think there was no
such thing, no love, nor peace, nor gracious disposition could I
feel within me.
102. These things did sink me into very deep despair; for I
concluded that such things could not possibly be found amongst them
that loved God. I often, when these temptations had been with
force upon me, did compare myself to the case of such a child, whom
some gipsy hath by force took up in her arms, and is carrying from
friend and country. Kick sometimes I did, and also shriek and cry;
but yet I was bound in the wings of the temptation, and the wind
would carry me away. I thought also of Saul, and of the evil
spirit that did possess him: and did greatly fear that my
condition was the same with that of his. 1 Sam. x.
103. In these days, when I have heard others talk of what was the
sin against the Holy Ghost, then would the tempter so provoke me to
desire to sin that against sin, that I was as if I could not, must
not, neither should be quiet until I had committed it; now no sin
would serve but that. If it were to be committed by speaking of
such a word, then I have been as if my mouth would have spoken that
word, whether I would or no; and in so strong a measure was this
temptation upon me, that often I have been ready to clap my hand
under my chin, to hold my mouth from opening; and to that end also,
I have had thoughts at other times, to leap with my head downward,
into some muckhill-hole or other, to keep my mouth from speaking.
104. Now again I beheld the condition of the dog and toad, and
counted the estate of every thing that God had made, far better
than this dreadful state of mine, and such as my companions were.
Yea, gladly would I have been in the condition of a dog or horse:
for I knew they had no souls to perish under the everlasting weight
of hell, or sin, as mine was like to do. Nay, and though I saw
this, felt this, and was broken to pieces with it; yet that which
added to my sorrow was, I could not find, that with all my soul I
did desire deliverance. That scripture did also tear and rend my
soul in the midst of these distractions, The wicked are like the
troubled sea, when it cannot rest, whose waters cast up mire and
dirt. There is no peace, saith my God, to the wicked. Isa. lvii.
20, 21.
105. And now my heart was, at times, exceeding hard; if I would
have given a thousand pounds for a tear, I could not shed one: no
nor sometimes scarce desire to shed one. I was much dejected, to
think that this would be my lot. I saw some could mourn and lament
their sin; and others again, could rejoice and bless God for
Christ; and others again, could quietly talk of, and with gladness
remember the word of God; while I only was in the storm or tempest.
This much sunk me, I thought my condition was alone, I should
therefore much bewail my hard hap, but get out of, or get rid of
these things, I could not.
106. While this temptation lasted, which was about a year, I could
attend upon none of the ordinances of God, but with sore and great
affliction. Yea, then I was most distressed with blasphemies. If
I had been hearing the word, then uncleanness, blasphemies and
despair would hold me a captive there: if I have been reading,
then sometimes I had sudden thoughts to question all I read:
sometimes again, my mind would be so strangely snatched away, and
possessed with other things, that I have neither known, nor
regarded, nor remembered so much as the sentence that but now I
have read.
107. In prayer also I have been greatly troubled at this time;
sometimes I have thought I have felt him behind me pulling my
clothes: he would be also continually at me in time of prayer, to
have done, break off, make haste, you have prayed enough, and stay
no longer; still drawing my mind away. Sometimes also he would
cast in such wicked thoughts as these; that I must pray to him, or
for him: I have thought sometimes of that, Fall down; or, if thou
wilt fall down and worship me. Matt. iii. 9.
108. Also, when because I have had wandering thoughts in the time
of this duty, I have laboured to compose my mind, and fix it upon
God; then with great force hath the tempter laboured to distract
me, and confound me, and to turn away my mind, by presenting to my
heart and fancy, the form of a bush, a bull, a besom, or the like,
as if I should pray to these: To these he would also (at sometimes
especially) so hold my mind, that I was as if I could think of
nothing else, or pray to nothing else but to these, or such as
they.
109. Yet at times I should have some strong and heart-affecting
apprehensions of God, and the reality of the truth of His gospel.
But, oh! how would my heart, at such times, put forth itself with
unexpressible groanings. My whole soul was then in every word; I
should cry with pangs after God, that He would be merciful unto me;
but then I should be daunted again with such conceits as these: I
should think that God did mock at these my prayers, saying, and
that in the audience of the holy angels, This poor simple wretch
doth hanker after Me, as if I had nothing to do with My mercy, but
to bestow it on such as he. Alas, poor soul! how art thou
deceived! It is not for such as thee to have favour with the
Highest.
110. Then hath the tempter come upon me, also, with such
discouragements as these: You are very hot for mercy, but I will
cool you; this frame shall not last always: many have been as hot
as you for a spurt, but I have quenched their zeal (and with this,
such and such, who were fallen off, would be set before mine eyes).
Then I should be afraid that I should do so too: But, thought I, I
am glad this comes into my mind: well, I will watch, and take what
care I can. Though you do, said Satan, I shall be too hard for
you; I will cool you insensibly, by degrees, by little and little.
What care I, saith he, though I be seven years in chilling your
heart, if I can do it at last? Continual rocking will lull a
crying child asleep: I will ply it close, but I will have my end
accomplished. Though you be burning hot at present, I can pull you
from this fire; I shall have you cold before it be long.
111. These things brought me into great straits; for as I at
present could not find myself fit for present death, so I thought,
to live long, would make me yet more unfit; for time would make me
forget all, and wear even the remembrance of the evil of sin, the
worth of heaven, and the need I had of the blood of Christ to wash
me, both out of mind and thought: but I thank Christ Jesus, these
things did not at present make me slack my crying, but rather did
put me more upon it (like her who met with adulterer, Deut. xxii.
26), in which days that was a good word to me, after I had suffered
these things a while:- I am persuaded that neither death, nor life,
etc., shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in
Christ Jesus our Lord. Rom. viii. 38, 39. And now I hoped long
life would not destroy me, nor make me miss of heaven.
112. Yet I had some supports in this temptation, though they were
then all questioned by me; that in Jer. iii. at the first was
something to me; and so was the consideration of verse 5 of that
chapter; that though we have spoken and done as evil things as we
could, yet we should cry unto God, My Father, Thou art the Guide of
my youth, and shall return unto Him.
113. I had, also, once a sweet glance from that in 2 Cor. v. 21:
For He hath made Him to be sin for us, Who knew no sin, that we
might be made the righteousness of God in Him. I remember that one
day, as I was sitting in a neighbour's house, and there very sad at
the consideration of my many blasphemies; and as I was saying in my
mind, What ground have I to say that, who have been so vile and
abominable, should ever inherit eternal life? That word came
suddenly upon me, What shall we say to these things? If God be for
us, who can be against us? Rom. viii. 31. That also was an help
unto me, Because I live, ye shall live also. John xiv. 19. But
these words were but hints, touches, and short visits, though very
sweet when present; only they lasted not; but, like to Peter's
sheet, of a sudden were caught up from me, to heaven again. Acts
x. 16.
114. But afterwards the Lord did more fully and graciously
discover Himself unto me, and indeed, did quite, not only deliver
me from the guilt that, by these things was laid upon my
conscience, but also from the very filth thereof; for the
temptation was removed, and I was put into my right mind again, as
other Christians were.
115. I remember that one day, as I was travelling into the
country, and musing on the wickedness and blasphemy of my heart,
and considering the enmity that was in me to God, that scripture
came into my mind, Having made peace through the blood of His
cross. Col. i. 20. By which I was made to see, both again and
again, that God and my soul were friends by His blood; yea, I saw
that the justice of God, and my sinful soul could embrace and kiss
each other, through His blood. This was a good day to me; I hope I
shall never forget it.
116. At another time, as I sat by the fire in my house, and was
musing on my wretchedness, the Lord made that also a precious word
unto me, Forasmuch then as the children are partakers of flesh and
blood, He also Himself likewise took part of the same, that through
death He might destroy him that had the power of death, that is the
devil; and deliver those who through fear of death, were all their
lifetime subject to bondage. Heb. ii. 14, 15. I thought that the
glory of these words was then so weighty on me, that I was both
once and twice ready to swoon as I sate; yet not with grief and
trouble, but with solid joy and peace.
117. At this time also I sate under of holy Mr Gifford, whose
doctrine, by God's grace, was much for my stability. This man made
it much his business to deliver the people of God from all those
false and unsound tests, that by nature we are prone to. He would
bid us take special heed, that we took not up any truth upon trust;
as from this, or that, or any other man or men; but to cry mightily
to God, that He would convince us of the reality thereof, and set
us down therein by His own Spirit in the holy word; For, said he,
if you do otherwise, when temptations come, if strongly, you not
having received them with evidence from heaven, will find you want
that help and strength now to resist, that once you thought you
had.
118. This was as seasonable to my soul, as the former and latter
rains in their season (for I had found, and that by sad experience,
the truth of these his words: for I had felt no man can say,
especially when tempted by the devil, that Jesus Christ is Lord,
but by the Holy Ghost). Wherefore I found my soul, through grace,
very apt to drink in this doctrine, and to incline to pray to God,
that in nothing that pertained to God's glory, and my own eternal
happiness, He would suffer me to be without the confirmation
thereof from heaven; for now I saw clearly, there was an exceeding
difference betwixt the notion of the flesh and blood, and the
revelations of God in heaven: also a great difference betwixt that
faith that is feigned, and according to man's wisdom, and that
which comes by a man's being born thereto of God. Matt. xvi. 15; 1
John v. 1.
119. But, oh! now, how was my soul led from truth to truth by God!
Even from the birth and cradle of the Son of God, to His accession,
and second coming from heaven to judge the world!
120. Truly, I then found, upon this account, the great God was
very good unto me; for, to my remembrance, there was not any thing
that I then cried unto God to make known, and reveal unto me, but
He was pleased to do it for me; I mean, not one part of the gospel
of the Lord Jesus, but I was orderly led into it: methought I saw
with great evidence, from the relation of the four evangelists, the
wonderful work of God, in giving Jesus Christ to save us, from His
conception and birth, even to His second coming to judgment:
methought I was as if I had seen Him born, as if I had seen Him
grow up; as if I had seen Him walk through this world, from the
cradle to the cross; to which also, when He came, I saw how gently
He gave Himself to be hanged, and nailed on it for my sins and
wicked doings. Also as I was musing on this His progress, that
dropped on my spirit, He was ordained for the slaughter. 1 Peter
i. 12, 20.
121. When I have considered also the truth of His resurrection,
and have remembered that word, Touch Me not, Mary, etc., I have
seen as if He had leaped out of the grave's mouth, for joy that He
was risen again, and had got the conquest over our dreadful foes.
John xx. 17. I have also in the spirit, seen Him a man, on the
right hand of God the Father for me; and have seen the manner of
His coming from heaven, to judge the world with glory, and have
been confirmed in these things by these scriptures following, Acts
i. 9, 10, and vii. 56, and x. 42; Heb. vii. 24 and ix. 28; Rev. i.
18; 1 Thess. iv. 17, 18.
112. Once I was troubled to know whether the Lord Jesus was man as
well as God, and God as well as man: and truly, in those days, let
men say what they would, unless I had it with evidence from heaven,
all was nothing to me; I counted myself not set down in any truth
of God. Well, I was much troubled about this point, and could not
tell how to be resolved; at last, that in Rev. v. 6 came into my
mind: And I beheld, and, to, in the midst of the throne, and of
the four beasts, and in the midst of the elders, stood a Lamb, as
it had been slain. In the midst of the throne, thought I, there is
the Godhead; in the midst of the elders, there is His manhood; but,
oh! methought this did glister! It was a goodly touch, and gave me
sweet satisfaction. That other scripture also did help me much in
this, For unto us a Child is born, unto us a Son is given; and the
government shall be upon His shoulder: and His name shall be
called Wonderful, Counsellor, the Mighty God, the Everlasting
Father, the Prince of Peace, etc. Isa. ix. 6.
123. Also besides these teachings of God in His word, the Lord
made use of two things to confirm me in this truth; the one was the
errors of the Quakers and the other was the guilt of sin; for as
the Quakers did oppose this truth, so God did the more confirm me
in it, by leading me into the scripture that did wonderfully
maintain it.
124. The errors that this people then maintained, were:-
'1. That the holy scriptures were not the word of God.
'2. That every man in the world had the spirit of Christ, grace,
faith, etc.
'3. That Christ Jesus, as crucified, and dying sixteen hundred
years ago, did not satisfy divine justice for the sins of the
people.
'4. That Christ's flesh and blood were within the saints.
'5. That the bodies of the good and bad that are buried in the
church-yard, shall not arise again.
'6. That the resurrection is past with good men already.
'7. That that man Jesus, that was crucified between two thieves,
on mount Calvary, in the land of Canaan, by Jerusalem, was not
ascended above the starry heavens.
'8. That He should not, even the same Jesus that died by the hands
of the Jews, come again at the last day; and as man, judge all
nations,' etc.
125. Many more vile and abominable things were in those days
fomented by them, by which I was driven to a more narrow search of
the scriptures, and was through their light and testimony, not only
enlightened, but greatly confirmed and comforted in the truth:
And, as I said, the guilt of sin did help me much; for still as
that would come upon me, the blood of Christ did take it off again,
and again, and again; and that too sweetly, according to the
scripture. O friends! cry to God to reveal Jesus Christ unto you;
there is none teacheth like Him.
126. It would be too long here to stay, to tell you in particular,
how God did set me down in all the things of Christ, and how He
did, that He might so do, lead me into His words; yea, and also how
He did open them unto me, and make them shine before me, and cause
them to dwell with me, talk with me, and comfort me over and over,
both of His own being, and the being of His Son, and Spirit, and
word, and gospel.
127. Only this, as I said before, I will say unto you again, that
in general, He was pleased to take this course with me; first, to
suffer me to be afflicted with temptations concerning them, and
then reveal them unto me; as sometimes I should lie under great
guilt for sin, even crushed to the ground therewith; and then the
Lord would show me the death of Christ; yea, so sprinkle my
conscience with His blood, that I should find, and that before I
was aware, that in that conscience, where but just now did reign
and rage the law, even there would rest and abide the peace and
love of God, through Christ.
128. Now I had an evidence, as I thought, of my salvation, from
heaven, with many golden seals thereon, all hanging in my sight.
Now could I remember this manifestation, and the other discovery of
grace, with comfort; and should often long and desire that the last
day were come, that I might be for ever inflamed with the sight,
and joy, and communion of Him, Whose head was crowned with thorns,
Whose face was spit upon, and body broken, and soul made an
offering for my sins. For whereas before I lay continually
trembling at the mouth of hell, now methought I was got so far
therefrom, that I could not, when I looked back, scarce discern it!
And oh! thought I, that I were fourscore years old now, that I
might die quickly, that my soul might be gone to rest.
129. But before I had got thus far out of these my temptations, I
did greatly long to see some ancient godly man's experience, who
had writ some hundreds of years before I was born; for those who
had writ in our days, I thought (but I desire them now to pardon
me) that they had writ only that which others felt; or else had,
through the strength of their wits and parts, studied to answer
such objections as they perceived others were perplexed with,
without going down themselves into the deep. Well, after many such
longings in my mind, the God, in Whose hands are all our days and
ways, did cast into my hand (one day) a book of Martin Luther's; it
was his Comment on the Galatians; it also was so old, that it was
ready to fall piece from piece if I did but turn it over. Now I
was pleased much that such an old book had fallen into my hand, the
which when I had but a little way perused, I found my condition in
his experience so largely and profoundly handled, as if his book
had been written out of my heart. This made me marvel: for thus
thought I, This man could not know any thing of the state of
Christians now, but must needs write and speak the experience of
former days.
130. Besides, he doth most gravely also in that book, debate of
the rise of these temptations, namely, blasphemy, desperation, and
the like; showing that the law of Moses, as well as the devil,
death, and hell, hath a very great hand therein: the which, at
first, was very strange to me; but considering and watching, I
found it so indeed. But of particulars here, I intend nothing;
only this methinks I must let fall before all men--I do prefer this
book of Martin Luther upon the Galatians (excepting the Holy Bible)
before all the books that ever I had seen, as most fit for a
wounded conscience.
131. And now I found, as I thought, that I loved Christ dearly:
Oh! methought my soul cleaved unto Him, my affections cleaved unto
Him; I felt love to Him as hot as fire; and now, as Job said, I
thought I should die in my nest; but I did quickly find, that my
great love was but little; and that I, who had, as I thought, such
burning love to Jesus Christ, could let Him go again for a very
trifle,--God can tell how to abase us, and can hide pride from man.
Quickly after this my love was tried to purpose.
132. For after the Lord had, in this manner, thus graciously
delivered me from this great and sore temptation, and had set me
down so sweetly in the faith of His holy gospel, and had given me
such strong consolation and blessed evidence from heaven, touching
my interest in His love through Christ; the tempter came upon me
again, and that with a more grievous and dreadful temptation than
before.
133. And that was, To sell and part with this most blessed Christ,
to exchange Him for the things of this life, for any thing. The
temptation lay upon me for the space of a year, and did follow me
so continually, that I was not rid of it one day in a month: no,
not sometimes one hour in many days together, unless when I was
asleep.
134. And though, in my judgment, I was persuaded, that those who
were once effectually in Christ (as I hoped, through His grace, I
had seen myself) could never lose Him for ever; The land shall not
be sold for ever, for the land is mine, saith God. Lev. xxv. 23.
Yet it was a continual vexation to me, to think that I should have
so much as one such thought within me against a Christ, a Jesus,
that had done for me as He had done; and yet then I had almost none
others, but such blasphemous ones.
135. But it was neither my dislike of the thought, nor yet any
desire and endeavour to resist, that in the least did shake or
abate the continuation or force and strength thereof; for it did
always, in almost whatever I thought, intermix itself therewith, in
such sort, that I could neither eat my food, stoop for a pin, chop
a stick, or cast mine eye to look on this or that, but still the
temptation would come, Sell Christ for this, or sell Christ for
that; sell Him, sell Him.
136. Sometimes it would run in my thoughts, not so little as a
hundred times together, Sell Him, sell Him, sell Him: against
which, I may say, for whole hours together, I have been forced to
stand as continually leaning and forcing my spirit against it, lest
haply, before I were aware, some wicked thought might arise in my
heart, that might consent thereto; and sometimes the tempter would
make me believe I had consented to it; but then I should be, as
tortured upon a rack for whole days together.
137. This temptation did put me to such scares, lest I should at
some times, I say, consent thereto, and be overcome therewith, that
by the very force of my mind, in labouring to gainsay and resist
this wickedness, my very body would be put into action or motion,
by way of pushing or thrusting with my hands or elbows; still
answering, as fast as the destroyer said, Sell Him; I will not, I
will not, I will not, I will not; no, not for thousands, thousands,
thousands of worlds: thus reckoning, lest I should, in the midst
of these assaults, set too low a value on Him; even until I scarce
well knew where I was, or how to be composed again.
138. At these seasons he would not let me eat my food at quiet;
but, forsooth, when I was set at the table at my meat, I must go
hence to pray; I must leave my food now, just now, so counterfeit
holy also would this devil be. When I was thus tempted, I would
say in myself, Now I am at meat; let me make an end. NO, said he,
you must do it now, or you will displease God, and despise Christ.
Wherefore I was much afflicted with these things; and because of
the sinfulness of my nature (imagining that these were impulses
from God), I should deny to do it, as if I denied God, and then
should I be as guilty, because I did not obey a temptation of the
devil, as if I had broken the law of God indeed.
139. But to be brief: one morning as I did lie in my bed, I was,
as at other times, most fiercely assaulted with this temptation, To
sell and part with Christ; the wicked suggestion still running in
my mind, Sell Him, sell Him, sell Him, sell Him, sell Him, as fast
as a man could speak: against which also, in my mind, as at other
times, I answered, No, no, not for thousands, thousands, thousands,
at least twenty times together: but at last, after much striving,
even until I was almost out of breath, I felt this thought pass
through my heart, Let Him go, if He will; and I thought also, that
I felt my heart freely consent thereto. Oh! the diligence of
Satan! Oh! the desperateness of man's heart!
140. Now was the battle won, and down fell I as a bird that is
shot from the top of a tree, into great guilt, and fearful despair.
Thus getting out of my bed, I went moping into the field; but God
knows, with as heavy a heart as mortal man, I think, could bear;
where for the space of two hours, I was like a man bereft of life;
and, as now, past all recovery, and bound over to eternal
punishment.
141. And withal, that scripture did seize upon my soul: Or
profane persons as Esau, who for one morsel of meat, sold his
birthright: for ye know, how that afterward, when he would have
inherited the blessing, he was rejected; for he found no place of
repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears. Heb. xii.
16, 17.
142. Now was I as one bound, I felt myself shut up unto the
judgment to come; nothing now, for two years together, would abide
with me, but damnation, and an expectation of damnation: I say,
nothing now would abide with me but this, save some few moments for
relief, as in the sequel you will see.
143. These words were to my soul, like fetters of brass to my
legs, in the continual sound of which I went for several months
together. But about ten or eleven o'clock on that day, as I was
walking under an hedge (full of sorrow and guilt, God knows), and
bemoaning myself for this hard hap, that such a thought should
arise within me, suddenly this sentence rushed in upon me, The
blood of Christ remits all guilt. At this I made a stand in my
spirit: with that this word took hold upon me, The blood of Jesus
Christ His Son, cleanseth us from all sin. 1 John i. 7.
144. Now I began to conceive peace in my soul, and methought I
saw, as if the tempter did leer and steal away from me, as being
ashamed of what he had done. At the same time also I had my sin,
and the blood of Christ, thus represented to me, That my sin, when
compared to the blood of Christ, was no more to it, than this
little clod or stone before me, is to this vast and wide field that
here I see. This gave me good encouragement for the space of two
or three hours; in which time also, methought, I saw, by faith, the
Son of God, as suffering for my sins: but because it tarried not,
I therefore sunk in my spirit, under exceeding guilt again.
145. But chiefly by the aforementioned scripture concerning Esau's
selling of his birthright; for that scripture would lie all day
long, all the week long, yea, all the year long in my mind, and
hold me down, so that I could by no means lift up myself; for when
I would strive to turn to this scripture or that, for relief, still
that sentence would be sounding in me; For ye know, how that
afterwards, when he would have inherited the blessing, he found no
place of repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears.
146. Sometimes, indeed, I should have a touch from that in Luke
xxii. 31, I have prayed for thee that thy faith fail not; but it
would not abide upon me; neither could I, indeed, when I considered
my state, find ground to conceive in the least, that there should
be the root of that grace in me, having sinned as I had done. Now
was I tore and rent in an heavy case for many days together.
147. Then began I with sad and careful heart to consider of the
nature and largeness of my sin, and to search into the word of God,
if I could in any place espy a word of promise, or any encouraging
sentence, by which I might take relief. Wherefore I began to
consider that of Mark iii. 28: All sins shall be forgiven unto the
sons of men, and blasphemies wherewith soever they shall blaspheme.
Which place, methought at a blush, did contain a large and glorious
promise for the pardon of high offences; but considering the place
more fully, I thought it was rather to be understood, as relating
more chiefly to those who had, while in a natural estate, committed
such things as there are mentioned; but not to me, who had not only
received light and mercy, but that had both after, and also
contrary to that, so slighted Christ as I had done.
148. I feared, therefore, that this wicked sin of mine, might be
that sin unpardonable, of which He there thus speaketh. But he
that shall blaspheme against the Holy Ghost, hath never
forgiveness, but is in danger of eternal damnation. Mark iii. 29.
And I did the rather give credit to this, because of that sentence
in the Hebrews: For you know how that afterwards, when he would
have inherited the blessing, he was rejected; for he found no place
of repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears. And this
stuck always with me.
149. And now was I both a burthen and a terror to myself; nor did
I ever so know, as now, what it was to be weary of my life, and yet
afraid to die. Oh! how gladly now would I have been anybody but
myself! anything but a man, and in any condition but my own! For
there was nothing did pass more frequently over my mind, than that
it was impossible for me to be forgiven my transgression, and to be
saved from the wrath to come.
150. And now I began to call again time that was spent; wishing a
thousand times twice told, that the day was yet to come when I
should be tempted to such a sin; concluding with great indignation,
both against my heart, and all assaults, how I would rather have
been torn in pieces, than be found a consenter thereto. But alas!
these thoughts, and wishings, and resolvings were now too late to
help me; this thought had passed my heart, God hath let me go, and
I am fallen. Oh! thought I, that it were with me as in months
past, as in the days when God preserved me! Job xxix. 2.
151. Then again, being loth and unwilling to perish, I began to
compare my sin with others to see if I could find that any of those
that were saved, had done as I had done. So I considered David's
adultery, and murder, and found them most heinous crimes; and those
too committed after light and grace received: but yet by
considering that his transgressions were only such as were against
the law of Moses, from which the Lord Christ could, with the
consent of His word, deliver him: but mine was against the gospel;
yea, against the Mediator thereof; I had sold my Saviour.
152. Now again should I be as if racked upon the wheel, when I
considered, that, besides the guilt that possessed me, I should be
so void of grace, so bewitched. What, thought I, must it be no sin
but this? Must it needs be the great transgression? Ps. xix. 13.
Must that wicked one touch my soul? 1 John v. 18. Oh! what sting
did I find in all these sentences?
153. What, thought I, is there but one sin that is unpardonable?
but one sin that layeth the soul without the reach of God's mercy;
and must I be guilty of that? must it needs be that? Is there but
one sin among so many millions of sins, for which there is no
forgiveness; and must I commit this? Oh! unhappy sin! Oh! unhappy
man! These things would so break and confound my spirit, that I
could not tell what to do; I thought at times, they would have
broke my wits; and still, to aggravate my misery, that would run in
my mind, You know, how, that afterwards, when he would have
inherited the blessing, he was rejected. Oh! no one knows the
terrors of those days but myself.
154. After this I began to consider of Peter's sin, which he
committed in denying his Master: and indeed, this came nighest to
mine of any that I could find, for he had denied his Saviour, as I,
after light and mercy received; yea, and that too, after warning
given him. I also considered, that he did it both once and twice;
and that, after time to consider betwixt. But though I put all
these circumstances together, that, if possible I might find help,
yet I considered again, that his was but a denial of his Master,
but mine was, a selling of my Saviour. Wherefore I thought with
myself, that I came nearer to Judas, than either to David or Peter.
155. Here again my torment would flame out and afflict me; yea, it
would grind me, as it were to powder, to consider the preservation
of God towards others, while I fell into the snare; for in my thus
considering of other men's sins, and comparing them with mine own,
I could evidently see, God preserved them, notwithstanding their
wickedness, and would not let them, as He had let me, become a son
of perdition.
156. But oh! how did my soul at this time prize the preservation
that God did set about His people! Ah, how safely did I see them
walk, whom God had hedged in! They were within His care,
protection, and special providence: though they were full as bad
as I by nature; yet because He loved them, He would not suffer them
to fall without the range of mercy: but as for me, I was gone, I
had done it: He would not preserve me, nor keep me; but suffered
me, because I was a reprobate, to fall as I had done. Now did
those blessed places that speak of God's keeping His people, shine
like the sun before me, though not to comfort me, yet to show me
the blessed state and heritage of those whom the Lord had blessed.
157. Now I saw, that as God had His hand in all the providences
and dispensations that overtook His elect; so He had His hand in
all the temptations that they had to sin against Him; not to
animate them to wickedness, but to choose their temptations and
troubles for them; and also to leave them for a time, to such sins
only that might not destroy, but humble them; as might not put them
beyond, but lay them in the way of the renewing His mercy. But oh!
what love, what care, what kindness and mercy did I now see, mixing
itself with the most severe and dreadful of all God's ways to His
people! He would let David, Hezekiah, Solomon, Peter, and others,
fall; but He would not let them fall into sin unpardonable, nor
into hell for sin. Oh! thought I, these be the men that God hath
loved; these be the men that God, though He chastiseth them, keeps
them in safety by Him; and them whom He makes to abide under the
shadow of the Almighty. But all these thoughts added sorrow,
grief, and horror to me, as whatever I now thought on, it was
killing to me. If I thought how God kept His own, that was killing
to me; if I thought of how I was fallen myself, that was killing to
me. As all things wrought together for the best, and to do good to
them that were the called, according to His purpose, so I thought
that all things wrought for my damage, and for my eternal
overthrow.
158. Then again I began to compare my sin with the sin of Judas,
that, if possible, I might find if mine differed from that, which
in truth is unpardonable: and oh! thought I, if it should differ
from it, though but the breadth of an hair, what a happy condition
is my soul in! And by considering, I found that Judas did this
intentionally, but mine was against my prayer and strivings:
besides, his was committed with much deliberation, but mine in a
fearful hurry, on a sudden: all this while I was tossed to and fro
like the locusts, and driven from trouble to sorrow; hearing always
the sound of Esau's fall in mine ears, and the dreadful
consequences thereof.
159. Yet this consideration about Judas's sin was, for awhile,
some little relief to me; for I saw I had not, as to the
circumstances, transgressed so fully as he. But this was quickly
gone again, for I thought with myself, there might be more ways
than one to commit this unpardonable sin; also I thought there
might be degrees of that, as well as of other transgressions;
wherefore, for aught I yet could perceive, this iniquity of mine
might be such, as might never be passed by.
160. I was often now ashamed that I should be like such an ugly
man as Judas: I thought also how loathsome I should be unto all
the saints at the day of judgment: insomuch that now I could
scarce see a good man, that I believed had a good conscience, but I
should feel my heart tremble at him, while I was in his presence.
Oh! now I saw a glory in walking with God, and what a mercy it was
to have a good conscience before Him.
161. I was much about that time tempted to content myself by
receiving some false opinion; as, that there should be no such
thing as a day of judgment; that we should not rise again; and that
sin was no such grievous thing: the tempter suggesting thus: For
if these things should indeed be true, yet to believe otherwise
would yield you ease for the present. If you must perish, never
torment yourself so much beforehand: drive the thoughts of damning
out of your mind, by possessing your mind with some such
conclusions that Atheists and Ranters use to help themselves
withal.
162. But oh! when such thoughts have led through my heart, how, as
it were, within a step, hath death and judgment been in my view!
methought the judge stood at the door; I was as if it was come
already; so that such things could have no entertainment. But
methinks, I see by this, that Satan will use any means to keep the
soul from Christ; he loveth not an awakened frame of spirit;
security, blindness, darkness, and error, is the very kingdom and
habitation of the wicked one.
163. I found it a hard work now to pray to God, because despair
was swallowing me up; I thought I was as with a tempest driven away
from God; for always when I cried to God for mercy, this would come
in, 'Tis too late, I am lost, God hath let me fall; not to my
correction, but condemnation: my sin is unpardonable; and I know,
concerning Esau, how that after he had sold his birthright, be
would have received the blessing, but was rejected. About this
time I did light on that dreadful story of that miserable mortal
Francis Spira; a book that was to my troubled spirit, as salt, when
rubbed into a fresh wound: every sentence in that book, every
groan of that man, with all the rest of his actions in his dolours,
as his tears, his prayers, his gnashing of teeth, his wringing of
hands, his twining and twisting, and languishing, and pining away
under that mighty hand of God that was upon him, were as knives and
daggers in my soul; especially that sentence of his was frightful
to me, Man knows the beginning of sin? but who bounds the issues
thereof? Then would the former sentence, as the conclusion of all,
fall like an hot thunderbolt again upon my conscience; For you know
how that afterwards, when he would have inherited the blessing, he
was rejected; for he found no place of repentance, though he sought
it carefully with tears.
164. Then should I be struck into a very great trembling, insomuch
that at sometimes I could, for whole days together, feel my very
body, as well as my mind, to shake and totter under the sense of
this dreadful judgment of God, that should fall on those that have
sinned that most fearful and unpardonable sin. I felt also such a
clogging and heat at my stomach, by reason of this my terror, that
I was, especially at some times, as if my breast-bone would split
asunder; then I thought of that concerning Judas, who by falling
headlong, he burst asunder in the midst, and all his bowels gushed
out. Acts i. 18.
165. I feared also that this was the mark that the Lord did set on
Cain, even continual fear and trembling, under the heavy load of
guilt that he had charged on him for the blood of his brother Abel.
Thus did I wind, and twine, and shrink under the burthen that was
upon me; which burthen also did so oppress me, that I could neither
stand, nor go, nor lie, either at rest or quiet.
166. Yet that saying would sometimes come into my mind, He hath
received gifts for the rebellious. Psalm lxviii. 18. The
rebellious, thought I! why surely they are such as once were under
subjection to their Prince; even those who after they have sworn
subjection to His government, have taken up arms against Him; and
this, thought I, is my very condition: I once loved Him, feared
Him, served Him; but now I am a rebel; I have sold Him, I have
said, Let Him go, if He will; but yet He has gifts for rebels; and
then why not for me?
167. This sometimes I thought on, and should labour to take hold
thereof, that some, though small refreshment, might have been
conceived by me; but in this also I missed of my desire; I was
driven with force beyond it; I was like a man going to execution,
even by that place where he would fain creep in and hide himself,
but may not.
168. Again, after I had thus considered the sins of the saints in
particular, and found mine went beyond them, then I began to think
with myself, Set the case I should put all theirs together, and
mine alone against them, might I not then find some encouragement?
for if mine, though bigger than any one, yet should be but equal to
all, then there is hopes; for that blood that hath virtue enough in
it to wash away all theirs, had virtue enough in it to do away
mine, though this one be full as big, if not bigger than all
theirs. Here again, I should consider the sin of David, of
Solomon, of Manasseh, of Peter, and the rest of the great
offenders; and should also labour, what I might with fairness, to
aggravate and heighten their sins by several circumstances.
169. I should think with myself that David shed blood to cover his
adultery, and that by the sword of the children of Ammon; a work
that could not be done, but by continuance, deliberate contrivance,
which was a great aggravation to his sin. But then this would turn
upon me: Ah! but these were but sins against the law, from which
there was a Jesus sent to save them; but yours is a sin against the
Saviour, and who shall save you from that?
170. Then I thought on Solomon, and how he sinned in loving
strange women, falling away to their idols, in building them
temples, in doing this after light, in his old age, after great
mercy received: but the same conclusion that cut me off in the
former consideration, cut me off as to this; namely, that all those
were but sins against the law, for which God had provided a remedy;
but I had sold my Saviour, and there remained no more sacrifice for
sin.
171. I would then add to these men's sins, the sins of Manasseh;
how that he built altars for idols in the house of the Lord; he
also observed times, used enchantments, had to do with wizards, was
a wizard, had his familiar spirits, burned his children in the fire
in sacrifice to devils, and made the streets of Jerusalem run down
with the blood of innocents. These, thought I, are great sins,
sins of a bloody colour, but yet it would turn again upon me, They
are none of them of the nature of yours; you have parted with
Jesus, you have sold your Saviour.
172. This one consideration would always kill my heart, my sin was
point blank against my Saviour; and that too, at that height, that
I had in my heart said of Him, Let Him go, if He will. Oh!
methought this sin was bigger than the sins of a country, of a
kingdom, or of the whole world, no one pardonable; nor all of them
together, was able to equal mine; mine out-went them every one.
173. Now I should find my mind to flee from God, as from the face
of a dreadful judge, yet this was my torment, I could not escape
His hand: (It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the
living God. Hebrew x.) But, blessed be His grace, that scripture,
in these flying fits, would call, as running after me, I have
blotted out, as a thick cloud, thy transgressions; and as a cloud,
thy sins: return unto Me, for I have redeemed thee. Isaiah xliv.
22. This, I say, would come in upon my mind, when I was fleeing
from the face of God; for I did flee from His face; that is, my
mind and spirit fled before Him; by reason of His highness, I could
not endure: then would the text cry, Return unto Me; it would cry
aloud with a very great voice, Return unto Me, for I have redeemed
thee. Indeed, this would make me make a little stop, and, as it
were, look over my shoulder behind me, to see if I could discern
that the God of grace did follow me with a pardon in His hand; but
I could no sooner do that, but all would be clouded and darkened
again by that sentence, For you know, how that afterwards, when he
would have inherited the blessing, he found no place of repentance,
though he sought it carefully with tears. Wherefore I could not
refrain, but fled, though at some times it cried, Return, return,
as if it did hollow after me: but I feared to close in therewith,
lest it should not come from God; for that other, as I said, was
still sounding in my conscience, For you know that afterwards, when
he would have inherited the blessing, he was rejected, etc.
174. Once as I was walking to and fro in a good man's shop,
bemoaning of myself in my sad and doleful state, afflicting myself
with self-abhorrence for this wicked and ungodly thought; lamenting
also this hard hap of mine for that I should commit so great a sin,
greatly fearing that I should not be pardoned; praying also in my
heart, that if this sin of mine did differ from that against the
Holy Ghost, the Lord would show it me. And being now ready to sink
with fear, suddenly there was, as if there had rushed in at the
window, the noise of wind upon me, but very pleasant, and as if I
heard a voice speaking, Did'st thou ever refuse to be justified by
the blood of Christ? and withal, my whole life of profession past,
was in a moment opened to me, wherein I was made to see, that
designedly I had not: so my heart answered groaningly, No. Then
fell, with power, that word of God upon me, See that ye refuse not
Him that speaketh. Hebrew xii. 25. This made a strange seizure
upon my spirit; it brought light with it, and commanded a silence
in my heart, of all those tumultuous thoughts, that did before use,
like masterless hell-hounds, to roar and bellow, and make an
hideous noise within me. It showed me also that Jesus Christ had
yet a word of grace and mercy for me, that He had not, as I had
feared, quite forsaken and cast off my soul; yea, this was a kind
of chide for my proneness to desperation; a kind of threatening of
me, if I did not, notwithstanding my sins, and the heinousness of
them, venture my salvation upon the Son of God. But as to my
determining about this strange dispensation, what it was, I know
not; or from whence it came, I know not; I have not yet in twenty
years' time been able to make a judgment of it; I thought then what
here I should be loth to speak. But verily that sudden rushing
wind was, as if an angel had come upon me; but both it, and the
salutation, I will leave until the day of judgment: only this I
say, it commanded a great calm in my soul; it persuaded me there
might be hope: it showed me, as I thought, what the sin
unpardonable was, and that my soul had yet the blessed privilege to
flee to Jesus Christ for mercy. But I say, concerning this
dispensation; I know not yet what to say unto it; which was also,
in truth, the cause, that at first I did not speak of it in the
book; I do now also leave it to be thought on by men of sound
judgment. I lay not the stress of my salvation thereupon, but upon
the Lord Jesus, in the promise; yet seeing I am here unfolding of
my secret things, I thought it might not be altogether inexpedient
to let this also show itself, though I cannot now relate the matter
as there I did experience it. This lasted in the savour of it for
about three or four days, and then I began to mistrust, and to
despair again.
175. Wherefore still my life hung in doubt before me, not knowing
which way I should tip; only this I found my soul desire, even to
cast itself at the foot of grace, by prayer and supplication. But
oh! 'twas hard for me now, to have the face to pray to this Christ
for mercy, against Whom I had thus most vilely sinned: 'twas hard
work, I say, to offer to look Him in the face, against Whom I had
so vilely sinned; and indeed, I have found it as difficult to come
to God by prayer, after backsliding from Him, as to do any other
thing. Oh! the shame that did now attend me! especially when I
thought, I am now a-going to pray to Him for mercy, that I had so
lightly esteemed but a while before! I was ashamed; yea, even
confounded, because this villany had been committed by me: but I
saw that there was but one way with me; I must go to Him, and
humble myself unto Him, and beg that He, of His wonderful mercy,
would show pity to me, and have mercy upon my wretched sinful soul.
176. Which, when the tempter perceived, he strongly suggested to
me, That I ought not to pray to God, for prayer was not for any in
my case; neither could it do me good, because I had rejected the
Mediator, by Whom all prayers came with acceptance to God the
Father; and without Whom, no prayer could come into His presence:
wherefore now to pray, is but to add sin to sin; yea, now to pray,
seeing God has cast you off, is the next way to anger and offend
Him more than you ever did before.
177. For God (saith he) hath been weary of you for these several
years already, because you are none of His; your bawlings in His
ears, hath been no pleasant voice to Him; and therefore He let you
sin this sin, that you might be quite cut off; and will you pray
still? This the devil urged, and set forth that in Numbers, when
Moses said to the children of Israel, That because they would not
go up to possess the land, when God would have them, therefore for
ever after He did bar them out from thence, though they prayed they
might with tears. Numbers xiv. 36, 37, etc.
178. As it is said in another place, Exodus xxi. 14, The man that
sins presumptuously shall be taken from God's altar, that he may
die; even as Joab was by King Solomon, when he thought to find
shelter there. 1 Kings ii. 27, 28, etc. These places did pinch me
very sore; yet my case being desperate, I thought with myself, I
can but die; and if it must be so, it shall once be said, That such
an one died at the foot of Christ in prayer. This I did, but with
great difficulty, God doth know; and that because, together with
this, still that saying about Esau would be set at my heart, even
like a flaming sword, to keep the way of the tree of life, lest I
should take thereof and live. Oh! who knows how hard a thing I
found it, to come to God in prayer!
179. I did also desire the prayers of the people of God for me,
but I feared that God would give them no heart to do it; yea I
trembled in my soul to think, that some or other of them would
shortly tell me, that God hath said those words to them, that He
once did say to the prophet concerning the children of Israel, Pray
not for this people, for I have rejected them. Jeremiah xi. 14.
So, Pray not for him, for I have rejected him, yea, I thought that
He had whispered this to some of them already, only they durst not
tell me so; neither durst I ask them of it, for fear if it should
be so, it would make me quite beside myself: Man knows the
beginning of sin (said Spira), but who bounds the issues thereof?
180. About this time I took an opportunity to break my mind to an
ancient Christian, and told him all my case: I told him also, that
I was afraid that I had sinned the sin against the Holy Ghost; and
he told me, He thought so too. Here therefore I had but cold
comfort; but talking a little more with him, I found him, though a
good man, a stranger to much combat with the devil. Wherefore I
went to God again, as well as I could, for mercy still.
181. Now also did the tempter begin to mock me in my misery,
saying, That seeing I had thus parted with the Lord Jesus, and
provoked Him to displeasure, Who would have stood between my soul
and the flame of devouring fire, there was now but one way; and
that was, to pray that God the Father would be a Mediator betwixt
His Son and me; that we might be reconciled again, and that I might
have that blessed benefit in Him, that His blessed saints enjoyed.
182. Then did that scripture seize upon my soul, He is of one
mind, and who can turn Him! Oh! I saw, it was as easy to persuade
Him to make a new world, a new covenant, or a new Bible, besides
that we have already, as to pray for such a thing. This was to
persuade Him, that what He had done already was mere folly, and
persuade Him to alter, yea, to disannul the whole way of salvation.
And then would that saying rend my soul asunder; Neither is there
salvation in any other; for there is none other name under heaven
given among men whereby we must be saved. Acts iv. 12.
183. Now the most free, and full and gracious words of the gospel,
were the greatest torment to me; yea, nothing so afflicted me, as
the thoughts of Jesus Christ, the remembrance of a Saviour; because
I had cast Him off, brought forth the villany of my sin, and my
loss by it, to mind; nothing did twinge my conscience like this:
every time that I thought of the Lord Jesus, of His grace, love,
goodness, kindness, gentleness, meekness, death, blood, promises,
and blessed exhortations, comforts, and consolations, it went to my
soul like a sword; for still unto these my considerations of the
Lord Jesus, these thoughts would make place for themselves in my
heart: Aye, this is the Jesus, the loving Saviour, the Son of God,
Whom you have parted with, Whom you have slighted, despised, and
abused. This is the only Saviour, the only Redeemer, the only One
that could so love sinners, as to wash them from their sins in His
own most precious blood; but you have no part nor lot in this
Jesus: you have put Him from you; you have said in your heart, Let
Him go, if He will. Now, therefore, you are severed from Him; you
have severed yourself from Him: behold then His goodness, but
yourself to be no partaker of it. Oh! thought I, what have I lost,
what have I parted with! What has disinherited my poor soul! Oh!
'tis sad to be destroyed by the grace and mercy of God; to have the
Lamb, the Saviour, turn lion and destroyer. Rev. vi. I also
trembled, as I have said, at the sight of the saints of God,
especially at those that greatly loved Him, and that made it their
business to walk continually with Him in this world; for they did,
both in their words, their carriages, and all their expressions of
tenderness and fear to sin against their precious Saviour, condemn,
lay guilt upon, and also add continual affliction and shame upon my
soul. The dread of them was upon me, and I trembled at God's
Samuels. 1 Sam. xvi. 4.
184. Now also the tempter began afresh to mock my soul another
way, saying, That Christ indeed did pity my case, and was sorry for
my loss; but forasmuch as I had sinned and transgressed as I had
done, He could by no means help me, nor save me from what I feared:
for my sin was not of the nature of theirs, for Whom He bled and
died; neither was it counted with those that were laid to His
charge, when He hanged on a tree: therefore, unless He should come
down from heaven, and die anew for this sin, though indeed He did
greatly pity me, yet I could have no benefit of Him. These things
may seem ridiculous to others, even as ridiculous as they were in
themselves, but to me they were most tormenting cogitations: every
one of them augmented my misery, that Jesus Christ should have so
much love as to pity me, when yet He could not help me; nor did I
think that the reason why He could not help me, was, because His
merits were weak, or His grace and salvation spent on others
already, but because His faithfulness to His threatening, would not
let Him extend His mercy to me. Besides, I thought, as I have
already hinted, that my sin was not within the bounds of that
pardon, that was wrapped up in a promise; and if not, then I knew
assuredly, that it was more easy for heaven and earth to pass away,
than for me to have eternal life. So that the ground of all these
fears of mine did arise from a steadfast belief I had of the
stability of the holy word of God, and also from my being
misinformed of the nature of my sin.
185. But oh! how this would add to my affliction, to conceit that
I should be guilty of such a sin, for which He did not die. These
thoughts would so confound me, and imprison me, and tie me up from
faith, that I knew not what to do. But oh! thought I, that He
would come down again! Oh! that the work of man's redemption was
yet to be done by Christ! how would I pray Him and entreat Him to
count and reckon this sin among the rest for which He died! But
this scripture would strike me down as dead; Christ being raised
from the dead, dieth no more; death hath no more dominion over Him.
Rom. vi. 9.
186. Thus, by the strange and unusual assaults of the tempter, my
soul was like a broken vessel, driven as with the winds, and tossed
sometimes headlong into despair; sometimes upon the covenant of
works, and sometimes to wish that the new covenant, and the
conditions thereof, might so far forth, as I thought myself
concerned, be turned another way, and changed, But in all these, I
was as those that jostle against the rocks; more broken, scattered
and rent. Oh! the un-thought-of imaginations, frights, fears, and
terrors, that are affected by a thorough application of guilt
yielding to desperation! This is the man that hath his dwelling
among the tombs with the dead; that is always crying out, and
cutting himself with stones. Mark v. 1, 2, 3. But, I say, all in
vain; desperation will not comfort him, the old covenant will not
save him: nay, heaven and earth shall pass away, before one jot or
tittle of the word and law of grace will fail or be removed. This
I saw, this I felt, and under this I groaned; yet this advantage I
got thereby, namely, a farther confirmation of the certainty of the
way of salvation; and that the scriptures were the word of God.
Oh! I cannot now express what then I saw and felt of the steadiness
of Jesus Christ, the rock of man's salvation: What was done, could
not be undone, added to, nor altered. I saw, indeed, that sin
might drive the soul beyond Christ, even the sin which is
unpardonable; but woe to him that was so driven, for the word would
shut him out.
187. Thus I was always sinking, whatever I did think or do. So
one day I walked to a neighbouring town, and sate down upon a
settle in the street, and fell into a very deep pause about the
most fearful state my sin had brought me to; and after long musing,
I lifted up I sat my head, but methought I saw, as if the sun that
shineth in the heavens did grudge to give light; and as if the very
stones in the street, and tiles upon the houses, did bend
themselves against me. Methought that they all combined together
to banish me out of the world. I was abhorred of them, and unfit
to dwell among them, or be partaker of their benefits, because I
had sinned against the Saviour. O how happy now was every creature
over I was! For they stood fast, and kept their station, but I was
gone and lost.
188. Then breaking out in the bitterness of my soul, I said to
myself with a grievous sigh, How can God comfort such a wretch! I
had no sooner said it, but this returned upon me, as an echo doth
answer a voice: This sin is not unto death. At which I was, as if
I had been raised out of the grave, and cried out again, Lord, how
couldst Thou find out such a word as this! For I was filled with
admiration at the fitness, and at the unexpectedness of the
sentence; the fitness of the word, the rightness of the timing of
it; the power, and sweetness, and light, and glory that came with
it also, were marvellous to me to find: I was now, for the time,
out of doubt, as to that about which I was so much in doubt before;
my fears before were, that my sin was not pardonable, and so that I
had no right to pray, to repent, etc., or that, if I did, it would
be of no advantage or profit to me. But now, thought I, if this
sin is not unto death, then it is pardonable; therefore from this I
have encouragement to come to God by Christ for mercy, to consider
the promise of forgiveness, as that which stands with open arms to
receive me as well as others. This therefore was a great easement
to my mind, to wit, that my sin was pardonable, that it was not the
sin unto death (1 John v. 16, 17). None but those that know what
my trouble (by their own experience) was, can tell what relief came
to my soul by this consideration: it was a release to me from my
former bonds, and a shelter from the former storm: I seemed now to
stand upon the same ground with other sinners, and to have as good
right to the word and prayer as any of they.
189. Now I say, I was in hopes that my sin was not unpardonable,
but that there might be hopes for me to obtain forgiveness. But
oh! how Satan did now lay about him for to bring me down again!
But he could by no means do it, neither this day, nor the most part
of the next, for this good sentence stood like a mill-post at my
back: yet towards the evening of the next day, I felt this word
begin to leave me, and to withdraw its supportation from me, and so
I returned to my old fears again, but with a great deal of grudging
and peevishness, for I feared the sorrow of despair; nor could my
faith now long retain this word.
190. But the next day at evening, being under many fears, I went
to seek the Lord, and as I prayed, I cried, and my soul cried to
Him in these words, with strong cries: O Lord, I beseech Thee,
show me that Thou hast loved me with everlasting love. Jer. xxxi.
3. I had no sooner said it, but with sweetness this returned upon
me, as an echo, or sounding again, I have loved thee with an
everlasting love. Now I went to bed in quiet; also when I awakened
the next morning, it was fresh upon my soul; and I believed it.
191. But yet the tempter left me not; for it could not be so
little as an hundred times, that he that day did labour to then
break my peace. Oh! the combats and conflicts that I did then meet
with; as I strove to hold by this word, that of Esau would fly in
my face like lightning: I should be sometimes up and down twenty
times in an hour; yet God did bear me up, and keep my heart upon
this word; from which I had also, for several days together, very
much sweetness, and comfortable hopes of pardon: for thus it was
made out unto me, I loved thee whilst thou wast committing this
sin, I loved thee before, I love thee still, and I will love thee
for ever.
192. Yet I saw my sin most barbarous, and a filthy crime, and
could not but conclude, and that with great shame and astonishment,
that I had horribly abused the holy Son of God: wherefore I felt
my soul greatly to love and pity Him, and my bowels to yearn
towards Him; for I saw He was still my friend, and did reward me
good for evil; yea, the love and affection that then did burn
within to my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, did work at this time
such a strong and hot desire of revengement upon myself for the
abuse I had done unto Him, that to speak as I then thought, had I
had a thousand gallons of blood within my veins, I could freely
then have spilt it all, at the command and feet of this my Lord and
Saviour.
193. And as I was thus in musing, and in my studies, considering
how to love the Lord, and to express my love to Him, that saying
came in upon me, If Thou, Lord, shouldst mark iniquities, O Lord,
who should stand? But there is forgiveness with Thee, that Thou
mayest be feared. Psalm cxxx. 3, 4. These were good words to me,
especially the latter part thereof; to wit, that there is
forgiveness with the Lord, that He might be feared; that is, as
then I understood it, that He might be loved, and had in reverence;
for it was thus made out to me, That the great God did set so high
an esteem upon the love of His poor creatures, that rather than He
would go without their love, He would pardon their transgressions.
194. And now was that word fulfilled on me, and I was also
refreshed by it; That thou mayest remember and be confounded, and
never open thy mouth any more, because of thy shame, when I am
pacified toward thee for all that thou hast done, saith the Lord
God. Ezek. xvi. 63. Thus was my soul at this time (and as I then
did think for ever) set at liberty from being afflicted with my
former guilt and amazement.
195. But before many weeks were gone, I began to despond again,
fearing, lest, notwithstanding all that I had enjoyed, that I might
be deceived and destroyed at the last; for this consideration came
strong into my mind, That whatever comfort and peace I thought I
might have from the word of the promise of life, yet unless there
could be found in my refreshment, a concurrence and agreement in
the scriptures, let me think what I will thereof, and hold it never
so fast, I should find no such thing at the end; And the scripture
cannot be broken. John x. 35.
196. Now began my heart again to ache, and fear I might meet with
a disappointment at last. Wherefore I began with all seriousness
to examine my former comfort, and to consider whether one that had
sinned as I had done, might with confidence trust upon the
faithfulness of God, laid down in those words, by which I had been
comforted, and on which I had leaned myself: but now were brought
those sayings to my mind. For it is impossible for those who were
once enlightened, and have tasted of the heavenly gift, and were
made partakers of the Holy Ghost, and have tasted the good word of
God, and the powers of the world to come, if they shall fall away,
to renew them again unto repentance. Heb. vi. 4-6. For, if we sin
wilfully, after we have received the knowledge of the truth, there
remains no more sacrifice for sin, but a certain fearful looking
for of judgment, and fiery indignation, which shall devour the
adversaries. Heb. x. 26, 27. As Esau, who for one morsel of meat,
sold his birthright. For ye know how that afterward, when he would
have inherited the blessing, he was rejected; for he found no place
of repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears. Heb. xii.
16, 17.
197. Now was the word of the gospel forced from my soul; so that
no promise or encouragement was to be found in the Bible for me:
and now would that saying work upon my spirit to afflict me,
Rejoice not, O Israel, for joy, as other people. Hos. ix. 1. For
I saw indeed, there was cause of rejoicing for those that held to
Jesus; but for me, I had cut myself off by my transgressions, and
left myself neither foot-hold, or hand-hold, among all the stays
and props in the precious word of life.
198. And truly, I did now feel myself to sink into a gulph, as an
house whose foundation is destroyed; I did liken myself in this
condition, unto the case of some child that was fallen into a mill-
pit, who though it could make some shift to scramble and sprawl in
the water, yet because it could find neither hold for hand nor
foot, therefore at last it must die in that condition. So soon as
this fresh assault had fastened on my soul, that scripture came
into my heart, This for many days. Dan. x. 14. And indeed I found
it was so; for I could not be delivered, nor brought to peace
again, until well nigh two years and a half were completely
finished. Wherefore these words, though in themselves, they tended
to discouragement, yet to me, who feared this condition would be
eternal, they were at some times as an help and refreshment to me.
199. For, thought I, many days are not for ever, many days will
have an end; therefore seeing I was to be afflicted not a few but
many days, yet I was glad it was but for many days. Thus, I say, I
would recall myself sometimes, and give myself an help, for as soon
as ever the words came into my mind, at first, I knew my trouble
would be long, yet this would be but sometimes; for I could not
always think on this, nor ever be helped by it, though I did.
200. Now while the scriptures lay before me, and laid sin anew at
my door, that saying, in Luke xviii. 1, with others, did encourage
me to prayer: then the tempter laid again at me very sore,
suggesting, That neither the mercy of God, nor yet the blood of
Christ, did at all concern me, nor could they help me for my sin;
therefore it was but in vain to pray. Yet, thought I, I will pray.
But, said the tempter, your sin is unpardonable. Well, said I, I
will pray. 'Tis to no boot, said he. Yet said I, I will pray. So
I went to prayer to God; and while I was at prayer, I uttered words
to this effect: Lord, Satan tells me, that neither Thy mercy, nor
Christ's blood, is sufficient to save my soul: Lord, shall I
honour Thee most, by believing Thou wilt, and canst? or him, by
believing Thou neither wilt not nor canst? Lord, I would fain
honour Thee, by believing Thou wilt and canst.
201. And as I was thus before the Lord, that scripture fastened on
my heart (O man, great is thy faith), Matt. xv. 28, even as if one
had clapped me on the back, as I was on my knees before God: yet I
was not able to believe this, that this was a prayer of faith, till
almost six months after; for I could not think that I had faith, or
that there should be a word for me to act faith on; therefore I
should still be, as sticking in the jaws of desperation, and went
mourning up and down in a sad condition.
202. There was nothing now that I longed for more than to be put
out of doubt, as to this thing in question, and as I was vehemently
desiring to know, if there was indeed hope for me, these words came
rolling into my mind, Will the Lord cast off for ever? and will He
be favourable no more? Is His mercy clean gone for ever? Doth His
promise fail for evermore? Hath God forgotten to be gracious?
Hath He in anger shut up His tender mercies? Ps. lxxvii. 7-9. And
all the while they run in my mind, methought I had still this as
the answer, 'Tis a question whether He hath or no: it may be He
hath not. Yea, the interrogatory seemed to me to carry in it a
sure affirmation that indeed He had not, nor would so cast off, but
would be favourable: that His promise doth not fail, and that He
had not forgotten to be gracious, nor would in anger shut up tender
mercy. Something also there was upon my heart at the same time,
which I cannot now call to mind, which, with this text, did sweeten
my heart, and make me conclude, that His mercy might not be quite
gone, nor clean gone for ever.
203. At another time I remembered, I was again much under this
question, Whether the blood of Christ was sufficient to save my
soul? in which doubt I continued from morning, till about seven or
eight at night: and at last, when I was, as it were, quite worn
out with fear, lest it should not lay hold on me, these words did
sound suddenly within my heart: He is able. But methought, this
word able, was spoke loud unto me; it showed a great word, it
seemed to be writ in great letters, and gave such a jostle to my
fear and doubt (I mean for the time it tarried with me, which was
about a day) as I never had from that, all my life, either before
or after. Heb. vii. 25.
204. But one morning as I was again at prayer, and trembling under
the fear of this, That no word of God could help me, that piece of
a sentence darted in upon me, My grace is sufficient. At this,
methought I felt some stay, as if there might be hopes. But, oh!
how good a thing it is for God to send His word! for, about a
fortnight before, I was looking on this very place, and then I
thought it could not come near my soul with comfort, therefore I
threw down my book in a pet: then I thought it was not large
enough for me; no, not large enough; but now it was as if it had
arms of grace so wide, that it could not only enclose me, but many
more such as I besides.
205. By these words I was sustained, yet not without exceeding
conflicts, for the space of seven or eight weeks; for my peace
would be in it, and out, sometimes twenty times a day; comfort now,
and trouble presently; peace now, and before I could go a furlong,
as full of fear and guilt as ever heart could hold. And this was
not only now and then, but my whole seven weeks' experience: for
this about the sufficiency of grace, and that of Esau's parting
with his birthright, would be like a pair of scales within my mind;
sometimes one end would be uppermost, and sometimes again the
other; according to which would be my peace or trouble.
206. Therefore I did still pray to God, that He would come in with
this scripture more fully on my heart; to wit, that He would help
me to apply the whole sentence, for as yet I could not: that He
gave, that I gathered; but farther I could not go, for as yet it
only helped me to hope there might be mercy for me; My grace is
sufficient: And though it came no farther, it answered my former
question, to wit, That there was hope; yet because for thee was
left out, I was not contented, but prayed to God for that also.
Wherefore, one day, when I was in a meeting of God's people, full
of sadness and terror; for my fears again were strong upon me; and,
as I was now thinking, my soul was never the better, but my case
most sad and fearful, these words did with great power suddenly
break in upon me; My grace is sufficient for thee, My grace is
sufficient for thee, My grace is sufficient for thee, three times
together: And oh! methought that every word was a mighty word unto
me; as My, and grace, and sufficient, and for thee; they were then,
and sometimes are still, far bigger than others be.
207. At which time my understanding was so enlightened, that I was
as though I had seen the Lord Jesus look down from heaven, through
the tiles upon me, and direct these words unto me. This sent me
mourning home; it broke my heart, and filled me full of joy, and
laid me low as the dust; only it stayed not long with me, I mean in
this glory and refreshing comfort; yet it continued with me for
several weeks, and did encourage me to hope: but as soon as that
powerful operation of it was taken from my heart, that other, about
Esau, returned upon me as before: so my soul did hang as in a pair
of scales again, sometimes up, and sometimes down; now in peace,
and anon again in terror.
208. Thus I went on for many weeks, sometimes comforted, and
sometimes tormented; and especially at sometimes my torment would
be very sore, for all those scriptures forenamed in the Hebrews,
would be set before me, as the only sentences that would keep me
out of heaven. Then again I would begin to repent that ever that
thought went through me; I would also think thus with myself: Why,
how many scriptures are there against me? There are but three or
four; And cannot God miss them, and save me for all them?
Sometimes again I would think, Oh! if it were not for these three
or four words, now how might I be comforted! And I could hardly
forbear at some times, to wish them out of the book.
209. Then methought I should see as if both Peter and Paul, and
John, and all the writers, did look with scorn upon me, and hold me
in derision; and as if they had said unto me, All our words are
truth, one of as much force as another: it is not we that have cut
you of, but you have cast away yourself. There is none of our
sentences that you must take hold upon, but these and such as
these; it is impossible, Heb. vi.; there remains no more sacrifice
for sin, Heb. x. And it had been better for them not to have known
the will of God, than after they had known it, to turn from the
holy commandment delivered unto them, 2 Peter ii. 21. For the
Scriptures cannot be broken. John x. 35.
210. These, as the elders of the city of refuge, I saw, were to be
judges both of my case and me, while I stood with the avenger of
blood at my heels, trembling at their gate for deliverance; also
with a thousand fears and mistrusts, I doubted that they would shut
me out for ever. Joshua xx. 3. 4.
211. Thus I was confounded, not knowing what to do, or how to be
satisfied in this question, Whether the scriptures could agree in
the salvation of my soul? I quaked at the apostles; I knew their
words were true, and that they must stand for ever.
212. And I remember one day, as I was in divers frames of spirit,
and considering that these frames were according to the nature of
several scriptures that came in upon my mind; if this of grace,
then was I quiet; but of that of Esau, then tormented. Lord,
thought I, if both these scriptures should meet in my heart at
once, I wonder which of them would get the better of me. So
methought I had a longing mind that they might come both together
upon me; yea, I desired of God they might.
213. Well, about two or three days after, so they did indeed; they
bolted both upon me at a time, and did work and struggle strangely
in me for a while; at last that about Esau's birthright began to
wax weak, and withdraw, and vanish; and this, about the sufficiency
of grace prevailed with peace and joy. And as I was in a muse
about this thing, that scripture came in upon me, Mercy rejoiceth
against judgment. James ii. 13.
214. This was a wonderment to me; yet truly, I am apt to think it
was of God; for the word of the law and wrath, must give place to
the word of life and grace; because, though the word of
condemnation be glorious, yet the word of life and salvation doth
far exceed in glory. 2 Cor. iii. 8-11. Mark ix. 5-7. John vi.
37. Also that Moses and Elias must both vanish, and leave Christ
and His saints alone.
215. This scripture also did now most sweetly visit my soul; And
him that cometh to Me, I will in no wise cast out. Oh! the comfort
that I had from this word, in no wise! As who should say, By no
means, for nothing whatever he hath done. But Satan would greatly
labour to pull this promise from me, telling of me, That Christ did
not mean me and such as I, but sinners of a lower rank, that had
not done as I had done. But I would answer him again, Satan, here
is in these words no such exception; but him that comes, him, any
him: him that cometh to Me I will in no wise cast out. And this I
well remember still, that of all the slights that Satan used to
take this scripture from me, yet he never did so much as put this
question, But do you come aright? And I have thought the reason
was, because he thought I knew full well what coming aright was;
for I saw that to come aright, was to come as I was, a vile and
ungodly sinner, and to cast myself at the feet of mercy, condemning
myself for sin. If ever Satan and I did strive for any word of God
in all my life, it was for this good word of Christ; he at one end,
and I at the other: Oh! what work did we make! It was for this in
John, I say, that we did so tug and strive, he pulled, and I
pulled; but God be praised, I got the better of him; I got some
sweetness from it.
216. But notwithstanding all these helps, and blessed words of
grace, yet that of Esau's selling of his birthright, would still at
times distress my conscience: for though I had been most sweetly
comforted, and that but just before, yet when that came into my
mind, 'twould make me fear again: I could not be quite rid
thereof, 'twould every day be with me: wherefore now I went
another way to work, even to consider the nature of this
blasphemous thought, I mean, if I should take the words at the
largest, and give them their own natural force and scope, even
every word therein: so when I had thus considered, I found, that
if they were fairly taken, they would amount to this; That I had
freely left the Lord Jesus Christ to His choice, whether He would
be my Saviour or no; for the wicked words were these, Let Him go,
if He will. Then that scripture gave me hope, I will never leave
thee, nor forsake thee. Heb. xiii. 5. 'O Lord,' said I, but I
have left Thee. Then it answered again, But I will not leave thee.
For this I thanked God also.
217. Yet I was grievous afraid He should, and found it exceeding
hard to trust Him, seeing I had so offended Him: I could have been
exceeding glad that this thought had never befallen; for then I
thought I could with more ease and freedom in abundance, have
leaned on His grace. I saw it was with me, as it was with Joseph's
brethren; the guilt of their own wickedness did often fill them
with fears that their brother would at last despise them. Gen. l.
15, 16, etc.
218. Yet above all the scriptures that I yet did meet with that in
Joshua xx. was the greatest comfort to me, which speaks of the
slayer that was to flee for refuge: And if the avenger of blood
pursue the slayer, then saith Moses, they that are the elders of
the city of refuge shall not deliver him into his hands, because he
smote his neighbour unwittingly and hated him not aforetime. Oh!
blessed be God for this word: I was convinced that I was the
slayer; and that the avenger of blood pursued me, I felt with great
terror; only now it remained that I inquire whether I have right to
enter the city of refuge: so I found, that he must not, who lay in
wait to shed blood: It was not the wilful murderer, but he who
unwittingly did it, he who did it unawares; not out of spite, or
grudge, or malice, he that shed it unwittingly: even he who did
not hate his neighbour before. Wherefore,
219. I thought verily I was the man that must enter, because I had
smitten my neighbour unwittingly, and hated Him not aforetime. I
hated Him not aforetime; no, I prayed unto Him, was tender of
sinning against Him; yea, and against this wicked temptation I had
strove for a twelvemonth before; yea, and also when it did pass
through my heart, it did in spite of my teeth: wherefore I thought
I had a right to enter this city, and the elders, which are the
apostles, were not to deliver me up. This therefore was great
comfort to me, and gave me much ground of hope.
220. Yet being very critical, for my smart had made me that I knew
not what ground was sure enough to bear me, I had one question that
my soul did much desire to be resolved about; and that was, Whether
it be possible for any soul that hath sinned the unpardonable sin,
yet after that to receive, though but the least, true spiritual
comfort from God though Christ? The which after I had much
considered, I found the answer was, No, they could not; and that
for these reasons:-
221. First, Because those that have sinned that sin, they are
debarred a share in the blood of Christ; and being shut out of
that, they must needs be void of the least ground of hope, and so
of spiritual comfort; For to such there remains no more sacrifice
for sin. Heb. x. 26, 27. Secondly, Because they are denied a
share in the promise of life: It shall never be forgiven him
neither in this world, neither in the world to come. Matt. xii.
32. Thirdly, The Son of God excludes them also from a share in His
blessed intercession, being for ever ashamed to own them, both
before His holy Father, and the blessed angels in heaven. Mark
viii.
222. When I had with much deliberation considered of this matter,
and could not but conclude that the Lord had comforted me, and that
too after this my wicked sin: then methought I durst venture to
come nigh unto those most fearful and terrible scriptures, with
which all this while I had been so greatly affrighted, and on which
indeed, before I durst scarce cast mine eye (yea, had much ado an
hundred times, to forbear wishing them out of the Bible), for I
thought they would destroy me; but now, I say, I began to take some
measure of encouragement, to come close to them to read them, and
consider them, and to weigh their scope and tendency.
223. The which when I began to do, I found their visage changed:
for they looked not so grimly, as before I thought they did: and
first I came to the sixth of the Hebrews, yet trembling for fear it
should strike me; which when I had considered, I found that the
falling there intended, was a falling quite away; that is as I
conceived, a falling from and absolute denying of the gospel, of
remission of sins by Jesus Christ; for, from them the apostle
begins his argument, verses 1, 2, 3, 4. Secondly, I found that
this falling away, must be openly, even in the view of the world,
even so as to put Christ to an open shame. Thirdly, I found those
he there intended, were for ever shut up of God, both in blindness,
hardness, and impenitency: It is impossible they should be renewed
again unto repentance. By all these particulars, I found to God's
everlasting praise, my sin was not the sin in this place intended.
First, I confessed I was fallen, but not fallen away; that is, from
the profession of faith in Jesus unto eternal life.
Secondly, I confessed that I had put Jesus Christ to shame by my
sin, but not to open shame; I did not deny Him before men, nor
condemn Him as a fruitless One before the world.
Thirdly, Nor did I find that God had shut me up, or denied me to
come (though I found it hard work indeed to come) to Him by sorrow
and repentance: blessed be God for unsearchable grace!
224. Then I considered that in the 10th chapter of the Hebrews,
and found that the wilful sin there mentioned, is not every wilful
sin, but that which doth throw off Christ, and then His
commandments too. Secondly, That must be done also openly, before
two or three witnesses, to answer that of the law, verse 28.
Thirdly, This sin cannot be committed, but with great despite done
to the Spirit of Grace; despising both the dissuasions from that
sin, and the persuasions to the contrary. But the Lord knows,
though this my sin was devilish, yet it did not amount to these.
225. And as touching that in the 12th of the Hebrews, about Esau's
selling of his birthright; though this was that which killed me,
and stood like a spear against me, yet now I did consider, First,
that his was not a hasty thought against the continual labour of
his mind, but a thought consented to, and put in practice likewise,
and that after some deliberation, Gen. xxv. Secondly, It was a
public and open action, even before his brother, if not before many
more; this made his sin of a far more heinous nature than otherwise
it would have been. Thirdly, He continued to slight his
birthright: He did eat and drink, and went his way: thus Esau
despised his birthright, yea, twenty years after he was found to
despise it still. And Esau said, I have enough, my brother, keep
that thou hast unto thyself. Gen. xxxiii. 9.
226. Now as touching this, that Esau sought a place of repentance;
thus I thought: First, This was not for the birthright, but the
blessing: this is clear from the apostle, and is distinguished by
Esau himself; He took away my birthright (that is, formerly); and
behold now he hath taken away my blessing. Gen. xxvii. 36.
Secondly, Now, this being thus considered, I came again to the
apostle, to see what might be the mind of God, in a New-Testament
style and sense concerning Esau's sin; and so far as I could
conceive, this was the mind of God, that the birthright signified
regeneration, and the blessing, the eternal inheritance; for so the
apostle seems to hint. Lest there be any profane person, as Esau,
who for one morsel of meat sold his birthright; as if he should
say, That shall cast off all those blessed beginnings of God, that
at present are upon him, in order to a new-birth; lest they become
as Esau, even be rejected afterwards, when they would inherit the
blessing.
227. For many there are, who, in the day of grace and mercy,
despise those things which are indeed the birthright to heaven, who
yet when the deciding day appears, will cry as lord as Esau, Lord,
Lord, open to us; but then, as Isaac would not repent, no more will
God the Father, but will say, I have blessed these, yea, and they
shall be blessed; but as for you, Depart, you are the workers of
iniquity. Gen. xxvii. 32; Luke xiii. 25-27.
228. When I had thus considered these scriptures, and found that
thus to understand them, was not against, but according to other
scriptures; this still added further to my encouragement and
comfort, and also gave a great blow to that objection, to wit, That
the scriptures could not agree in the salvation of my soul. And
now remained only the hinder part of the tempest, for the thunder
was gone beyond me, only some drops did still remain, that now and
then would fall upon me; but because my former frights and anguish
were very sore and deep, therefore it oft befall me still, as it
befalleth those that have been scared with fire. I thought every
voice was, Fire! fire! Every little touch would hurt my tender
conscience.
229. But one day, as I was passing in the field, and that too with
some dashes on my conscience, fearing lest yet all was not right,
suddenly this sentence fell upon my soul, Thy righteousness is in
heaven; and methought withal, I saw with the eyes of my soul, Jesus
Christ at God's right hand: there, I say, was my righteousness; so
that wherever I was, or whatever I was doing, God could not say of
me, He wants My righteousness; for that was just before Him. I
also saw moreover, that it was not my good frame of heart that made
my righteousness better, nor yet my bad frame that made my
righteousness worse; for my righteousness was Jesus Christ Himself,
The same yesterday, to-day, and for ever. Heb. xiii. 8.
230. Now did my chains fall off my legs indeed; I was loosed from
my afflictions and irons; my temptations also fled away; so that
from that time those dreadful scriptures of God left off to trouble
me: now went I also home rejoicing, for the grace and love of God;
so when I came home, I looked to see if I could find that sentence;
Thy righteousness is in heaven, but could not find such a saying;
wherefore my heart began to sink again, only that was brought to my
remembrance, 1 Cor. i. 30, Christ Jesus, who of God is made unto us
wisdom, and righteousness, and sanctification, and redemption; by
this word I saw the other sentence true.
231. For by this scripture I saw that the Man Christ Jesus, as He
is distinct from us, as touching His bodily presence, so He is our
righteousness and sanctification before God. Here therefore I
lived, for some time, very sweetly at peace with God through
Christ; Oh! methought, Christ! Christ! there was nothing but Christ
that was before my eyes: I was not now (only) for looking upon
this and the other benefits of Christ apart, as of His blood,
burial, or resurrection, but considering Him as a whole Christ! as
He in whom all these, and all His other virtues, relations, offices
and operations met together, and that He sat on the right hand of
God in heaven.
232. 'Twas glorious to me to see His exaltation, and the worth and
prevalency of all His benefits, and that because now I could look
from myself to Him and should reckon, that all those graces of God
that now were green on me, were yet but like those cracked groats
and fourpence-halfpennies that rich men carry in their purses, when
their gold is in their trunks at home: Oh! I saw my gold was in my
trunk at home! In Christ my Lord and Saviour. Now Christ was all;
all my wisdom, all my righteousness, all my sanctification, and all
my redemption.
233. Further, the Lord did also lead me into the mystery of union
with the Son of God; that I was joined to Him, that I was flesh of
His flesh, and bone of His bone; and now was that word sweet to me
in Eph. v. 30. By this also was my faith in Him, as my
righteousness, the more confirmed in me; for if He and I were one,
then His righteousness was mine, His merits mine, His victory also
mine. Now could I see myself in heaven and earth at once: in
heaven by my Christ, by my head, by my righteousness and life,
though on earth by my body or person.
234. Now I saw Christ Jesus was looked upon of God; and should
also be looked upon by us, as that common or public person, in whom
all the whole body of His elect are always to be considered and
reckoned; that we fulfilled the law by Him, died by Him, rose from
the dead by Him, got the victory over sin, death, the devil, and
hell, by Him; when He died, we died, and so of His resurrection.
Thy dead men shall live, together with My dead body shall they
arise, saith He. Isa. xxvi. 19. And again, after two days He will
revive us, and the third day He will raise us up, and we shall live
in His sight. Hosea vi. 2. Which is now fulfilled by the sitting
down of the Son of Man on the right hand of the Majesty in the
heavens; according to that to the Ephesians, And hath raised us up
together, and made us sit together in heavenly places in Christ
Jesus. Eph. ii. 6.
235. Ah! these blessed considerations and scriptures, with many
others of like nature, were in those days made to spangle in mine
eyes; so that I have cause to say, Praise ye the Lord. Praise God
in His sanctuary, praise Him in the firmament of His power; praise
Him for His mighty acts: praise Him according to His excellent
greatness. Psalm cl. 1, 2.
236. Having thus in a few words given you a taste of the sorrow
and affliction that my soul went under, by the guilt and terror
that this my wicked thought did lay me under; and having given you
also a touch of my deliverance therefrom, and of the sweet and
blessed comfort that I met with afterwards, which comfort dwelt
about a twelvemonth with my heart, to my unspeakable admiration: I
will now (God willing), before I proceed any farther, give you in a
word or two, what, as I conceive, was the cause of this temptation;
and also after that, what advantage, at the last, it became unto my
soul.
237. For the causes, I conceived they were principally two: of
which two also I was deeply convinced all the time this trouble lay
upon me. The first was, for that I did not, when I was delivered
from the temptation that went before, still pray to God to to keep
me from the temptations that were to come; for though, as I can say
in truth, my soul was much in prayer before this trial seized me,
yet then I prayed only, or at the most principally, for the removal
of present troubles, and for fresh discoveries of His love in
Christ, which I saw afterwards was not enough to do; I also should
have prayed that the great God would keep me from the evil that was
to come.
238. Of this I was made deeply sensible by the prayer of holy
David, who when he was under present mercy, yet prayed that God
would hold him back from sin and temptation to come; Then, saith
he, shall I be upright, and I shall be innocent from the great
transgression. Psalm xix. 13. By this very word was I galled and
condemned quite through this long temptation.
239. That was also another word that did much condemn me for my
folly, in the neglect of this duty. Heb. iv. 16: Let us therefore
come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and
find grace to help in time of need. This I had not done, and
therefore was thus suffered to sin and fall, according to what is
written, Pray that ye enter not into temptation. And truly this
very thing is to this day of such weight and awe upon me, that I
dare not, when I come before the Lord, go of my knees, until I
intreat Him for help and mercy against the temptations that are to
come; and I do beseech thee, reader, that thou learn to beware of
my negligence, by the afflictions, that for this thing I did for
days, and months, and years, with sorrow undergo.
240. Another cause of this temptation was, that I had tempted God;
and on this manner did I do it: Upon a time my wife was great with
child, and before her full time was come, her pangs, as of a woman
in travail, were fierce and strong upon her, even as if she would
have fallen immediately in labour, and been delivered of an
untimely birth: now at this very time it was, that I had been so
strongly tempted to question the being of God; wherefore, as my
wife lay crying by me, I said, but with all secrecy imaginable,
even thinking in my heart, Lord, if Thou wilt now remove this sad
affliction from my wife, and cause that she be troubled no more
therewith this night (and now were her pangs just upon her), then I
shall know that Thou canst discern the most secret thoughts of the
heart.
241. I had no sooner said it in my heart, but her pangs were taken
from her, and she was cast into a deep sleep, and so continued till
morning; at this I greatly marvelled, not knowing what to think;
but after I had been awake a good while, and heard her cry no more,
I fell asleep also; so when I awaked in the morning, it came upon
me again, even what I had said in my heart the last night, and how
the Lord had showed me, that He knew my secret thoughts, which was
a great astonishment unto me for several weeks after.
242. Well, about a year and a half afterwards, that wicked sinful
thought, of which I have spoken before, went through my wicked
heart, even this thought, Let Christ go, if He will: so when I was
fallen under the guilt for this, the remembrance of my other
thought, and of the effect thereof, would also come upon me with
this retort, which also carried rebuke along with it, Now you may
see that God doth know the most secret thoughts of the heart.
243. And with this, that of the passages that were betwixt the
Lord, and His servant Gideon, fell upon my spirit; how because that
Gideon tempted God with his fleece, both wet and dry, when he
should have believed and ventured upon His word; therefore the Lord
did afterwards so try him, as to send him against an innumerable
company of enemies, and that too, as to outward appearance, without
any strength or help. Judges vi. 7. Thus He served me, and that
justly, for I should have believed His word, and not have put an if
upon the all-seeingness of God.
244. And now to show you something of the advantages that I also
have gained by this temptation: and first, by this I was made
continually to possess in my soul a very wonderful sense both of
the blessing and glory of God, and of His beloved Son; in the
temptation that went before, my soul was perplexed with unbelief,
blasphemy, hardness of heart, questions about the being of God,
Christ, the truth of the word, and certainty of the world to come:
I say, then I was greatly assaulted and tormented with atheism, but
now the case was otherwise; now was God and Christ continually
before my face, though not in a way of comfort, but in a way of
exceeding dread and terror. The glory of the holiness of God, did
at this time break me to pieces; and the bowels and compassion of
Christ did break me as on the wheel; for I could not consider Him
but as a lost and rejected Christ, the remembrance of which, was as
the continual breaking of my bones.
245. The scriptures also were wonderful things unto me; I saw that
the truth and verity of them were the keys of the kingdom of
heaven; those that the scriptures favour, they must inherit bliss;
but those that they oppose and condemn, must perish for evermore:
Oh! this word, For the scriptures cannot be broken, would rend the
caul of my heart: and so would that other, Whose sins ye remit,
they are remitted; but whose sins ye retain, they are retained.
Now I saw the apostles to be the elders of the city of refuge.
Joshua xx. 4. Those that they were to receive in, were received to
life; but those that they shut out, were to be slain by the avenger
of blood.
246. Oh! one sentence of the scripture did more afflict and
terrify my mind, I mean those sentences that stood against me (as
sometimes I thought they every one did) more, I say, than an army
of forty thousand men that might have come against me. Woe be to
him against whom the scriptures bend themselves!
247. By this temptation I was made to see more into the nature of
the promises than ever I was before; for I lying now trembling
under the mighty hand of God, continually torn and rent by the
thundering of His justice: this made me with careful heart, and
watchful eye, with great fearfulness to turn over every leaf, and
with much diligence, mixed with trembling, to consider every
sentence, together with its natural force and latitude.
248. By this temptation also I was greatly holden off from my
former foolish practice of putting by the word of promise when saw
it came into my mind; for now, though I could not suck that comfort
and sweetness from the promise, as I had done at other times; yet,
like to a man sinking, I would catch at all I saw: formerly I
thought I might not meddle with the promise, unless I felt its
comfort, but now 'twas no time thus to do; the avenger of blood too
hardly did pursue me.
249. Now therefore I was glad to catch at that word which yet I
feared I had no ground or right to own; and even to leap into the
bosom of that promise that yet I feared did shut its heart against
me. Now also I should labour to take the word as God hath laid it
down, without restraining the natural force of one syllable
thereof: O! what did I now see in that blessed sixth of John: And
him that cometh to me, I will in no wise cast out. John vi. 37.
Now I began to consider with myself, that God hath a bigger mouth
to speak with, than I had a heart to conceive with; I thought also
with myself, that He spake not His words in haste, or in an
unadvised heat, but with infinite wisdom and judgment, and in very
truth and faithfulness. 2 Sam. iii. 28.
250. I should in these days, often in my greatest agonies, even
flounce towards the promise (as the horses do towards sound ground,
that yet stick in the mire); concluding (though as one almost
bereft of his wits through fear) on this I will rest and stay, and
leave the fulfilling of it to the God of heaven that made it. Oh!
many a pull hath my heart had with Satan, for that blessed sixth of
John: I did not now, as at other times, look principally for
comfort (though, O how welcome would it have been unto me!). But
now a word, a word to lean a weary soul upon, that it might not
sink for ever! 'twas that I hunted for.
251. Yea, often when I have been making to the promise, I have
seen as if the Lord would refuse my soul for ever; I was often as
if I had run upon the pikes, and as if the Lord had thrust at me,
to keep me from Him, as with a flaming sword. Then I should think
of Esther, who went to petition the king contrary to the law.
Esther iv. 16. I thought also of Benhadad's servants, who went
with ropes upon their heads to their enemies for mercy. 1 Kings
xx. 31, etc. The woman of Canaan also, that would not be daunted,
though called dog by Christ, Matt. xv., 22, etc., and the man that
went to borrow bread at midnight, Luke xi. 5-8, etc., were great
encouragements unto me.
252. I never saw those heights and depths in grace, and love, and
mercy, as I saw after this temptation; great sins to draw out great
grace; and where guilt is most terrible and fierce, there the mercy
of God in Christ, when showed to the soul, appears most high and
mighty. When Job had passed through his captivity, he had twice as
much as he had before. Job xlii. 10. Blessed be God for Jesus
Christ our Lord. Many other things I might here make observation
of, but I would be brief, and therefore shall at this time omit
them; and do pray God that my harms may make others fear to offend,
lest they also be made to bear the iron yoke as I did.
I had two or three times, at or about my deliverance from this
temptation, such strange apprehensions of the grace of God, that I
could hardly bear up under it: it was so out of measure amazing,
when I thought it could reach me, that I do think if that sense of
it had abode long upon me, it would have made me incapable for
business.
253. Now I shall go forward to give you a relation of other of the
Lord's dealings with me at sundry other seasons, and of the
temptations I then did meet withal. I shall begin with what I met
with when first I did join in fellowship with the people of God in
Bedford. After I had propounded to the church, that my desire was
to walk in the order and ordinances of Christ with them, and was
also admitted by them: while I thought of that blessed ordinance
of Christ, which was His last supper with His disciples before His
death, that scripture, Do this in remembrance of Me, Luke xxii. 19,
was made a very precious word unto me; for by it the Lord did come
down upon my conscience with the discovery of His death for my
sins; and as I then felt, did as if He plunged me in the virtue of
the same. But behold, I had not been long a partaker at that
ordinance, but such fierce and sad temptations did attend me at all
times therein, both to blaspheme the ordinance, and to wish some
deadly thing to those that then did eat thereof: that lest I
should at any time be guilty of consenting to these wicked and
fearful thoughts, I was forced to bend myself all the while, to
pray to God to keep me from such blasphemies: and also to cry to
God to bless the bread and cup to them, as it went from mouth to
mouth. The reason of this temptation, I have thought since, was,
because I did not with that reverence that became me at first,
approach to partake thereof.
254. Thus I continued for three quarters of a year, and could
never have rest nor ease: but at the last the Lord came in upon my
soul with that same scripture, by which my soul was visited before:
and after that, I have been usually very well and comfortable in
the partaking of that blessed ordinance; and have, I trust, therein
discerned the Lord's body, as broken for my sins, and that His
precious blood hath been shed for my transgressions.
255. Upon a time I was something inclining to a consumption,
wherewith about the spring I was suddenly and violently seized,
with much weakness in my outward man; insomuch that I thought I
could not live. Now began I afresh to give myself up to a serious
examination after my state and condition for the future, and of my
evidences for that blessed world to come: for it hath, I bless the
name of God, been my usual course, as always, so especially in the
day of affliction, to endeavour to keep my interest in the life to
come, clear before mine eyes.
256. But I had no sooner began to recall to mind my former
experience of the goodness of God to my soul, but there came
flocking into my mind an innumerable company of my sins and
transgressions; amongst which these were at this time most to my
affliction; namely, my deadness, dulness, and coldness in holy
duties; my wanderings of heart, of my wearisomeness in all good
things, my want of love to God, His ways and people, with this at
the end of all, Are these the fruits of Christianity? Are these
tokens of a blessed man?
257. At the apprehensions of these things my sickness was doubled
upon me; for now I was sick in my inward man, my soul was clogged
with guilt; now also was my former experience of God's goodness to
me, quite taken out of my mind, and hid as if they had never been,
or seen: now was my soul greatly pinched between these two
considerations, Live I must not, die I dare not. Now I sunk and
fell in my spirit, and was giving up all for lost; but as I was
walking up and down in the house as a man in a most woeful state,
that word of God took hold of my heart, Ye are justified freely by
His grace, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus. Rom.
iii. 24. But oh! what a turn it made upon me!
258. Now was I as one awaked out of some troublesome sleep and
dream; and listening to this heavenly sentence, I was as if I had
heard it thus expounded to me: Sinner, thou thinkest, that because
thy sins and infirmities, I cannot save thy soul; but behold My Son
is by me, and upon Him I look, and not on thee, and shall deal with
thee according as I am pleased with Him. At this I was greatly
lightened in my mind, and made to understand, that God could
justify a sinner at any time; it was but His looking upon Christ,
and imputing His benefits to us, and the work was forthwith done.
259. And as I was thus in a muse, that scripture also came with
great power upon my spirit, Not by works of righteousness that we
have done, but according to His mercy He hath saved us, etc. 2
Tim. i. 9; Tit. iii. 5. Now was I got on high, I saw myself within
the arms of grace and mercy; and though I was before afraid to
think of a dying hour, yet, now I cried, Let me die: Now death was
lovely and beautiful in my sight, for I saw We shall never live
indeed, till we be gone to the other world. Oh! methought this
life is but a slumber, in comparison with that above. At this time
also I saw more in these words, Heirs of God, Rom. viii. 17, than
ever I shall be able to express while I live in this world: Heirs
of God! God Himself is the portion of the saints. This I saw and
wondered at, but cannot tell you what I saw.
260. Again, as I was at another time very ill and weak, all that
time also the tempter did beset me strongly (for I find he is much
for assaulting the soul; when it begins to approach towards the
grave, then is his opportunity), labouring to hide from me my
former experience of God's goodness: also setting before me the
terrors of death, and the judgment of God, insomuch that at this
time, through my fear of miscarrying for ever (should I now die), I
was as one dead before death came, and was as if I had felt myself
already descending into the pit; methought I said, There were no
way, but to hell I must: but behold, just as I was in the midst of
those fears, these words of the angel's carrying Lazarus into
Abraham's bosom darted in upon me, as who should say, So it shall
be with thee when thou dost leave this world. This did sweetly
revive my spirit, and help me to hope in God; which when I had with
comfort mused on a while, that word fell with great weight upon my
mind, O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory?
1 Cor. xv. 55. At this I became both well in body and mind at
once, for my sickness did presently vanish, and I walked
comfortably in my work for God again.
261. At another time, though just before I was pretty well and
savoury in my spirit, yet suddenly there fell upon me a great cloud
of darkness, which did so hide from me the things of God and
Christ, that I was as if I had never seen or known them in my life:
I was also so over-run in my soul with a senseless heartless frame
of spirit, that I could not feel my soul to move or stir after
grace and life by Christ; I was as if my loins were broken, or as
if my hands and feet had been tied or bound with chains. At this
time also I felt some weakness to seize upon my outward man, which
made still the other affliction the more heavy and uncomfortable to
me.
262. After I had been in this condition some three or four days,
as I was sitting by the fire, I suddenly felt this word to sound in
my heart, I must go to Jesus. At this my former darkness and
atheism fled away, and the blessed things of heaven were set in my
view. While I was on this sudden thus overtaken with surprise,
Wife (said I), is there ever such a scripture, I must go to Jesus?
She said, she could not tell; therefore I sat musing still, to see
if I could remember such a place: I had not sat above two or three
minutes, but that came bolting in upon me, And to an innumerable
company of angels; and withal, Hebrews twelfth, about the mount
Sion, was set before mine eyes. Heb. xii. 22-24.
263. Then with joy I told my wife, O! now I know, I know! But
that night was a good night to me, I never had but few better; I
longed for the company of some of God's people, that I might have
imparted unto them what God had showed me. Christ was a precious
Christ to my soul that night; I could scarce lie in my bed for joy,
and peace, and triumph, through Christ. This great glory did not
continue upon me until morning, yet the twelfth of the Author to
the Hebrews, Heb. xii. 22, 23, was a blessed scripture to me for
many days together after this.
264. The words are these: Ye are come to mount Sion, and unto the
city of the living God, the heavenly Jerusalem, and to an
innumerable company of angels, to the general assembly and church
of the first-born, which are written in heaven; and to God the
Judge of all, and to the spirits of just men made perfect, and to
Jesus the Mediator of the New Covenant, and to the blood of
sprinkling, that speaketh better things than that of Abel. Through
this blessed sentence the Lord led me over and over, first to this
word, and then to that; and showed me wonderful glory in every one
of them. These words also have oft since that time, been great
refreshment to my spirit. Blessed be God for having mercy on me.
A brief Account of the Author's Call to the Work of the Ministry
265. And now I am speaking my experience, I will in this place
thrust in a word or two concerning my preaching the word, and of
God's dealing with me in that particular also. For after I had
been about five or six years awakened, and helped myself to see
both the want and worth of Jesus Christ our Lord, and also enabled
to venture my soul upon Him; some of the most able among the saints
with us, I say, the most able for judgment and holiness of life, as
they conceived, did perceive that God had counted me worth to
understand something of His will in His holy and blessed word, and
had given me utterance in some measure, to express what I saw to
others, for edification; therefore they desired me, and that with
much earnestness, that I would be willing, at sometimes to take in
hand, in one of the meetings, to speak a word of exhortation unto
them.
266. The which, though at the first it did much dash and abash my
spirit, yet being still by them desired and entreated, I consented
to their request, and did twice at two several assemblies (but in
private), though with much weakness and infirmity, discover my gift
amongst them; at which they not only seemed to be, but did solemnly
protest, as in the sight of the great God, they were both affected
and comforted; and gave thanks to the Father of mercies, for the
grace bestowed on me.
267. After this, sometimes, when some of them did go into the
country to teach, they would also that I should go with them;
where, though as yet, I did not nor durst not, make use of my gift
in an open way, yet more privately, still, as I came amongst the
good people in those places, I did sometimes speak a word of
admonition unto them also; the which they, as the other, received
with rejoicing at the mercy of God to me-ward, professing their
souls were edified thereby.
268. Wherefore, to be brief; at last, being still desired by the
church, after some solemn prayer to the Lord, with fasting, I was
more particularly called forth, and appointed to a more ordinary
and public preaching of the word, not only to and amongst them that
believed, but also to offer the gospel to those who had not yet
received the faith thereof; about which time I did evidently find
in my mind a secret pricking forward thereto; though I bless God,
not for desire of vain-glory; for at that time I was most sorely
afflicted with the fiery darts of the devil, concerning my eternal
state.
269. But yet could not be content, unless I was found in the
exercise of my gift, unto which also I was greatly animated, not
only by the continual desires of the godly, but also by that saying
of Paul to the Corinthians: I beseech you, brethren (ye know the
household of Stephanas, that it is the first fruits of Achaia, and
that they have addicted themselves to the ministry of the saints)
that ye submit yourselves unto such, and to every one that helpeth
with us, and laboureth. 1 Cor. xvi. 15, 16.
270. By this text I was made to see that the Holy Ghost never
intended that men who have gifts and abilities, should bury them in
the earth, but rather did command and stir up such to the exercise
of their gift, and also did commend those that were apt and ready
so to do. They have addicted themselves to the ministry of the
saints. This scripture, in these days, did continually run in my
mind, to encourage me, and strengthen me in this my work for God; I
have also been encouraged from several other scriptures and
examples of the godly, both specified in the word, and other
ancient histories: Acts viii. 4 and xviii. 24, 25, etc.; 1 Pet.
iv. 10; Rom. xii. 6; Fox's Acts and Mon.
271. Wherefore, though of myself of all the saints the most
unworthy; yet I, but with great fear and trembling at the sight of
my own weakness, did set upon the work, and did according to my
gift, and the proportion of my faith, preach that blessed gospel
that God had showed me in the holy word of truth: which when the
country understood, they came in to hear the word by hundreds, and
that from all parts, though upon sundry and divers accounts.
272. And I thank God, He gave unto me some measure of bowels and
pity for their souls, which also did put me forward to labour, with
great diligence and earnestness, to find out such a word as might,
if God would bless, lay hold of, and awaken the conscience; in
which also the good Lord had respect to the desire of His servant;
for I had not preached long, before some began to be touched, and
be greatly afflicted in their minds at the apprehension of the
greatness of their sin, and of their need of Jesus Christ.
273. But I first could not believe that God should speak by me to
the heart of any man, still counting myself unworthy; yet those who
thus were touched, would love me and have a particular respect for
me; and though I did put it from me, that they should be awakened
by me, still they would confess it, and affirm it before the saints
of God: they would also bless God for me (unworthy wretch that I
am!) and count me God's instrument that showed to them the way of
salvation.
274. Wherefore seeing them in both their words and deeds to be so
constant, and also in their hearts so earnestly pressing after the
knowledge of Jesus Christ, rejoicing that ever God did send me
where they were; then I began to conclude it might be so, that God
had owned in His work such a foolish one as I; and then came that
word of God to my heart, with much sweet refreshment, The blessing
of him that was ready to perish, is come upon me; and I caused the
widow's heart to sing for joy. Job xxix. 13.
275. At this therefore I rejoiced; yea, the tears of those whom
God did awaken by my preaching, would be both solace and
encouragement to me: for I thought on those sayings, Who is He
then that maketh me glad, but the same which is made sorry by Me?
2 Cor. ii. 2. And again, If I be not an Apostle to others, yet
doubtless, I am unto you: for the seal of mine apostleship are ye
in the Lord. 1 Cor. ix. 2. These things, therefore, were as
another argument unto me, that God had called me to, and stood by
me in this work.
276. In my preaching of the word, I took special notice of this
one thing, namely, that the Lord did lead me to begin where His
word begins with sinners; that is, to condemn all flesh, and to
open and allege, that the curse of God by the law, doth belong to,
and lay hold on all men as they come into the world, because of
sin. Now this part of my work I fulfilled with great sense; for
the terrors of the law, and guilt for my transgressions, lay heavy
on my conscience: I preached what I felt, what I smartingly did
feel; even that under which my poor soul did groan and tremble to
astonishment.
277. Indeed, I have been as one sent to them from the dead; I went
myself in chains, to preach to them in chains; and carried that
fire in my own conscience, that I persuaded them to be aware of. I
can truly say, and that without dissembling, that when I have been
to preach, I have gone full of guilt and terror, even to the pulpit
door, and there it hath been taken off, and I have been at liberty
in my mind until I have done my work; and then immediately, even
before I could get down the pulpit stairs, I have been as bad as I
was before; yet God carried me on, but surely with a strong hand,
for neither guilt nor hell could take me off my work.
278. Thus I went on for the space of two years, crying out against
men's sins, and their fearful state because of them. After which,
the Lord came in upon my own soul, with some staid peace and
comfort through Christ; for He did give me many sweet discoveries
of His blessed grace through Him; wherefore now I altered in my
preaching (for still I preached what I saw and felt); now therefore
I did much labour to hold forth Jesus Christ in all His offices,
relations, and benefits unto the world; and did strive also to
discover, to condemn, and remove those false supports and props on
which the world doth both lean, and by them fall and perish. On
these things also I staid as long as on the other.
279. After this, God led me into something of the mystery of the
union of Christ; wherefore that I discovered and showed to them
also. And, when I had travelled through these three chief points
of the word of God, about the space of five years or more, I was
caught in my present practice, and cast into prison, where I have
lain above as long again to confirm the truth by way of suffering,
as I was before in testifying of it according to the scriptures, in
a way of preaching.
280. When I have been in preaching, I thank God my heart hath
often all the time of this and the other exercise, with great
earnestness cried to God that He would make the word effectual to
the salvation of the soul; still being grieved lest the enemy
should take the word away from the conscience, and so it should
become unfruitful: wherefore I should labour to speak the word, as
that thereby, if it were possible, the sin and person guilty might
be particularized by it.
281. And when I have done the exercise, it hath gone to my heart,
to think the word should now fall as rain on stony places; still
wishing from my heart, Oh! that they who have heard me speak this
day, did but see as I do, what sin, death, hell, and the curse of
God is; and also what the grace, and love, and mercy of God is,
through Christ, to men in such a case as they are, who are yet
estranged from Him. And indeed, I did often say in my heart before
the Lord, That if to be hanged up presently before their eyes,
would be a means to awaken them, and confirm them in the truth, I
gladly should be contented.
282. For I have been in my preaching, especially when I have been
engaged in the doctrine of life by Christ, without works, as if an
angel of God had stood by at my back to encourage me: Oh! it hath
been with such power and heavenly evidence upon my own soul, while
I have been labouring to unfold it, to demonstrate it, and to
fasten it upon the conscience of others; that I could not be
contented with saying, I believe, and am sure; methought I was more
than sure (if it be lawful to express myself) that those things
which then I asserted, were true.
283. When I first went to preach the word abroad, the doctors and
priests of the country did open wide against me. But I was
persuaded of this, not to render railing for railing; but to see
how many of their carnal professors I could convince of their
miserable state by the law, and of the want and worth of Christ:
for, thought I, This shall answer for me in time to come, when they
shall be for my hire before their face. Gen. xxx. 33.
284. I never cared to meddle with things that were controverted,
and in dispute among the saints, especially things of the lowest
nature; yet it pleased me much to contend with great earnestness
for the word of faith, and the remission of sins by the death and
sufferings of Jesus: but I say, as to other things, I should let
them alone, because I saw they engendered strife; and because that
they neither in doing, nor in leaving undone, did commend us to God
to be His: besides, I saw my work before me did run into another
channel, even to carry an awakening word; to that therefore did I
stick and adhere.
285. I never endeavoured to, nor durst make use of other men's
lines, Rom. xv. 18 (though I condemn not all that do), for I verily
thought, and found by experience, that what was taught me by the
word and Spirit of Christ, could be spoken, maintained, and stood
to, by the soundest and best established conscience; and though I
will not now speak all that I know in this matter, yet my
experience hath more interest in that text of scripture, Gal. i.
11, 12, than many amongst men are aware.
286. If any of those who were awakened by my ministry, did after
that fall back (as sometimes too many did), I can truly say, their
loss hath been more to me, than if one of my own children, begotten
of my own body, had been going to its grave: I think verily, I may
speak it without any offence to the Lord, nothing has gone so near
me as that; unless it was the fear of the loss of the salvation of
my own soul. I have counted as if I had goodly buildings and
lordships in those places where my children were born; my heart
hath been so wrapped up in the glory of this excellent work, that I
counted myself more blessed and honoured of God by this, than if He
had made me the emperor of the Christian world, or the lord of all
the glory of the earth without it! Oh these words! He which
converteth the sinner from the error of his way, shall save a soul
from death. James v. 20. The fruit of the righteous is a tree of
life; and he that winneth souls is wise. Prov. xi. 30. They that
be wise shall shine as the brightness of the firmament, and they
that turn many to righteousness, as the stars for ever and ever.
Dan. xii. 3. For what is our hope, or joy, or crown of rejoicing?
Are not even ye in the presence of our Lord Jesus Christ at His
coming? For ye are our glory and joy. 1 Thes. ii. 19, 20. These,
I say, with many others of a like nature, have been great
refreshments to me.
287. I have observed, that where I have had a work to do for God,
I have had first, as it were, the going of God upon my spirit, to
desire I might preach there: I have also observed, that such and
such souls in particular, have been strongly set upon my heart, and
I stirred up to wish for their salvation; and that these very souls
have, after this, been given in as the fruits of my ministry. I
have observed, that a word cast in, by-the-bye, hath done more
execution in a sermon, than all that was spoken besides: sometimes
also, when I have thought I did no good, then I did the most of
all; and at other times, when I thought I should catch them, I have
fished for nothing.
288. I have also observed, that where there has been a work to do
upon sinners, there the devil hath begun to roar in the hearts and
by the mouths of his servants: yea, oftentimes, when the wicked
world hath raged most, there hath been souls awakened by the word:
I could instance particulars, but I forbear.
289. My great desire in my fulfilling my ministry was to get into
the darkest places of the country, even amongst those people that
were farthest off of profession; yet not because I could not endure
the light (for I feared not to show my gospel to any) but because I
found my spirit did lean most after awakening and converting work,
and the word that I carried did lean itself most that way also;
Yea, so have I strived to preach the gospel, not where Christ was
named, lest I should build upon another man's foundation. Rom. xv.
20.
290. In my preaching I have really been in pain, and have, as it
were, travailed to bring forth children to God; neither could I be
satisfied unless some fruits did appear in my work. If I were
fruitless, it mattered not who commanded me: but if I were
fruitful, I cared not who did condemn. I have thought of that:
Lo! children are an heritage of the Lord; and the fruit of the womb
is His reward.--As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man, so are
children of the youth. Happy is the man that hath his quiver full
of them: they shall not be ashamed, but they shall speak with the
enemies in the gate. Psalm cxxvii. 3-5.
291. It pleased me nothing to see people drink in opinions, if
they seemed ignorant of Jesus Christ, and the worth of their own
salvation, sound conviction for sin, especially for unbelief, and a
heart set on fire to be saved by Christ, with strong breathings
after a truly sanctified soul: that it was that delighted me;
those were the souls I counted blessed.
292. But in this work, as in all other, I had my temptations
attending me, and that of divers kinds; as sometimes I should be
assaulted with great discouragement therein, fearing that I should
not be able to speak a word at all to edification; nay, that I
should not be able to speak sense unto the people; at which times I
should have such a strange faintness and strengthlessness seize
upon my body, that my legs have scarce been able to carry me to the
place of exercise.
293. Sometimes again when I have been preaching, I have been
violently assaulted with thoughts of blasphemy, and strongly
tempted to speak the words with my mouth before the congregation.
I have also at some times, even when I have begun to speak the word
with much clearness, evidence, and liberty of speech, yet been,
before the ending of that opportunity, so blinded and so estranged
from the things I have been speaking, and have been also so
straightened in my speech, as to utterance before the people, that
I have been as if I had not known, or remembered what I have been
about; or as if my head had been in a bag all the time of my
exercise.
294. Again, when as sometimes I have been about to preach upon
some smart and searching portion of the word, I have found the
tempter suggest, What! will you preach this! This condemns
yourself; of this your own soul is guilty; wherefore preach not of
it at all; or if you do, yet so mince it, as to make way for your
own escape; lest instead of awakening others, you lay that guilt
upon your own soul, that you will never get from under.
295. But I thank the Lord, I have been kept from consenting to
these so horrid suggestions, and have rather, as Sampson, bowed
myself with all my might, to condemn sin and transgression,
wherever I found it; yea, though therein also I did bring guilt
upon my own conscience: Let me die (thought I), with the
Philistines, Judges xvi. 29, 30, rather than deal corruptly with
the blessed word of God. Thou that teachest another, teachest thou
not thyself? It is far better that thou do judge thyself, even by
preaching plainly unto others, than that thou, to save thyself,
imprison the truth in righteousness. Blessed be God for His help
also in this.
296. I have also, while found in this blessed work of Christ, been
often tempted to pride and liftings up of heart: and though I dare
not say, I have not been affected with this, yet truly the Lord of
His precious mercy, hath so carried it towards me, that for the
most part I have had but small joy to give way to such a thing:
for it hath been my every day's portion to be let into the evil of
my own heart, and still made to see such a multitude of corruptions
and infirmities therein, that it hath caused hanging down of the
head under all my gifts and attainments; I have felt this thorn in
the flesh, 2 Cor. xii. 8, 9, the very mercy of God to me.
297. I have also had, together with this, some notable place or
other of the word presented before me, which word hath contained in
it some sharp and piercing sentence concerning the perishing of the
soul, notwithstanding gifts and parts: as, for instance, that hath
been of great use to me: Though I speak with the tongues of men
and angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass,
and a tinkling cymbal. 1 Cor. xiii. 1, 2.
298. A tinkling cymbal is an instrument of music, with which a
skilful player can make such melodious and heart-inflaming music,
that all who hear him play, can scarcely hold from dancing; and yet
behold the cymbal hath not life, neither comes the music from it,
but because of the art of him that plays therewith; so then the
instrument at last may come to nought and perish, though in times
past such music hath been made upon it.
299. Just thus I saw it was, and will be, with them who have
gifts, but want saving grace; they are in the hand of Christ, as
the cymbal in the hand of David: and as David could with the
cymbal make that mirth in the service of God, as to elevate the
hearts of the worshippers, so Christ can use these gifted men, as
with them to affect the souls of His people in His church; yet when
He hath done all, hang them by, as lifeless, though sounding
cymbals.
300. This consideration therefore, together with some others, were
for the most part, as a maul on the head of pride, and desire of
vain-glory. What, thought I, shall I be proud because I am a
sounding brass? Is it so much to be a fiddle? hath not the least
creature that hath life, more of God in it than these? Besides, I
knew 'twas love should never die, but these must cease and vanish:
so I concluded, a little grace, a little love, a little of the true
fear of God, is better than all the gifts: yea, and I am fully
convinced of it, that it is possible for souls that can scarce give
a man an answer, but with great confusion as to method; I say, it
is possible for them to have a thousand times more grace, and so to
be more in the love and favour of the Lord, than some who by the
virtue of the gift of knowledge, can deliver themselves like
angels.
301. Thus therefore I came to perceive that, though gifts in
themselves were good, to the thing for which they are designed, to
wit, the edification of others; yet empty, and without power to
save the soul of him that hath them, if they be alone: neither are
they, as so, any sign of a man's state to be happy, being only a
dispensation of God to some, of whose improvement, or non-
improvement, they must when a little love more is over, give an
account to Him that is ready to judge the quick and the dead.
302. This showed me too, that gifts being alone, were dangerous,
not in themselves, but because of those evils that attend them that
have them, to wit, pride, desire of vain glory, self-conceit, etc.,
all which were easily blown up at the applause and commendation of
every unadvised Christian, to the endangering of a poor creature to
fall into the condemnation of the devil.
303. I saw therefore that he that hath gifts, had need be let into
a sight of the nature of them, to wit, that they come short of
making of him to be in a truly saved condition, lest he rest in
them, and so fall short of the grace of God.
304. He hath cause also to walk humbly with God and be little in
his own eyes, and to remember withal, that his gifts are not his
own, but the churches; and that by them he is made a servant to the
church; and he must also give at last an account of his stewardship
unto the Lord Jesus, and to give a good account will be a blessed
thing.
305. Let all men therefore prize a little with the fear of the
Lord (gifts indeed are desirable), but yet great grace and small
gifts are better than great gifts and no grace. It doth not say,
the Lord gives gifts and glory, but the Lord gives grace and glory;
and blessed is such an one, to whom the Lord gives grace, true
grace; for that is a certain forerunner of glory.
306. But when Satan perceived that his thus tempting and
assaulting of me, would not answer his design; to wit, to overthrow
the ministry, and make it ineffectual, as to the ends thereof:
then he tried another way, which was, to stir up the minds of the
ignorant and malicious to load me with slanders and reproaches:
now therefore I may say, that what the devil could devise, and his
instruments invent, was whirled up and down the country against me,
thinking, as I said, that by that means they should make my
ministry to be abandoned.
307. It began therefore to be rumoured up and down among the
people, that I was a witch, a Jesuit, a highwayman, and the like.
308. To all which, I shall only say, God knows that I am
innocent. But as for mine accusers, let them provide themselves to
meet me before the tribunal of the Son of God, there to answer for
all these things (with all the rest of their iniquities) unless God
shall give them repentance for them, for the which I pray with all
my heart.
309. But that which was reported with the boldest confidence, was,
that I had my misses, my whores, my bastards; yea, two wives at
once, and the like. Now these slanders (with the others) I glory
in, because but slanders, foolish or knavish lies, and falsehoods
cast upon me by the devil and his seed; and, should I not be dealt
with thus wickedly by the world, I should want one sign of a saint,
and a child of God. Blessed are ye (said the Lord Jesus) when men
shall revile you and persecute you, and shall say all manner of
evil against you falsely for My sake; rejoice and be exceeding
glad, for great is your reward in heaven, for so persecuted they
the prophets which were before you. Matt. iv. 11.
310. These things therefore, upon mine own account, trouble me
not; no, though they were twenty times more than they are. I have
a good conscience, and whereas they speak evil of me, as an evil-
doer, they shall be ashamed that falsely accuse my good
conversation in Christ.
311. So then, what shall I say to those who have thus bespattered
me? Shall I threaten them? Shall I chide them? Shall I flatter
them? Shall I entreat them to hold their tongues? No, not I.
Were it not for that these things make them ripe for damnation,
that are the authors and abettors, I would say unto them, Report
it, because 'twill increase my glory.
312. Therefore I bind these lies and slanders to me as an
ornament; it belongs to my Christian profession to be vilified,
slandered, reproached and reviled; and since all this is nothing
else, as my God and my conscience do bear me witness, I rejoice in
reproaches for Christ's sake.
313. I also call all these fools or knaves, that have thus made it
any thing of their business to affirm any of the things afore-named
of me; namely, That I have been naught with other women, or the
like. When they have used the utmost of their endeavours, and made
the fullest inquiry that they can, to prove against me truly, that
there is any woman in heaven, or earth, or hell, that can say, I
have at any time, in any place, by day or night, so much as
attempted to be naught with them; and speak I thus to beg my
enemies into a good esteem of me? No, not I: I will in this beg
belief of no man: believe or disbelieve me in this, all is a-case
to me.
314. My foes have missed their mark in this shooting at me: I am
not the man: I wish that they themselves be guiltless. If all the
fornicators and adulterers in England were hanged up by the neck
till they be dead, John Bunyan, the object of their envy, would be
still alive and well. I know not whether there be such a thing as
a woman breathing under the copes of the whole heaven, but by their
apparel, their children, or by common fame, except my wife.
315. And in this I admire the wisdom of God, that He made me shy
of women from my first conversion until now. Those shy of women
know, and can also bear me witness, with whom I have been most
intimately concerned, that it is a rare thing to see me carry it
pleasant towards a woman: the common salutation of women I abhor;
'tis odious to me in whomsoever I see it. Their company alone, I
cannot away with; I seldom so much as touch a woman's hand; for I
think these things are not so becoming me. When I have seen good
men salute those women that they have visited, or that have visited
them, I have at times made my objection against it; and when they
have answered, that it was but a piece of civility, I have told
them, it is not a comely sight. Some indeed have urged the holy
kiss; but then I have asked why they made baulks? why they did
salute the most handsome, and let the ill-favoured go? Thus, how
laudable soever such things have been in the eyes of others, they
have been unseemly in my sight.
316. And now for a wind-up in this matter, I calling not only men,
but angels, to prove me guilty of having carnally to do with any
woman save my wife: nor am I afraid to do it a second time;
knowing that it cannot offend the Lord in such a case, to call God
for a record upon my soul, that in these things I am innocent. Not
that I have been thus kept, because of any goodness in me, more
than any other; but God has been merciful to me, and has kept me;
to whom I pray that He will keep me still, not only from this, but
every evil way and work, and preserve me to His heavenly kingdom.
Amen.
317. Now as Satan laboured by reproaches and slanders, to make me
vile among my countrymen; that, if possible, my preaching might be
made of none effect; so there was added hereto, a long and tedious
imprisonment, that thereby I might be frightened from my service
for Christ, and the world terrified, and made afraid to hear me
preach; of which I shall in the next place give you a brief
account.
A BRIEF ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOR'S IMPRISONMENT
318. Having made profession of the glorious gospel of Christ a
long time, and preached the same about five years, I was
apprehended at a meeting of good people in the country (among whom,
had they let me alone, I should have preached that day, but they
took me away from amongst them), and had me before a justice; who,
after I had offered security for my appearing at the next sessions,
yet committed me, because my sureties would not consent to be bound
that I should preach no more to the people.
319. At the sessions after I was indicted for an upholder and
maintainer of unlawful assemblies and conventicles, and for not
conforming to the national worship of the church of England; and
after some conference there with the justices, they taking my plain
dealing with them for a confession, as they termed it, of the
indictment, did sentence me to a perpetual banishment, because I
refused to conform. So being again delivered up to the jailer's
hands, I was had home to prison, and there have lain now complete
twelve years, waiting to see what God would suffer these men to do
with me.
320. In which condition I have continued with much content,
through grace, but have met with many turnings and goings upon my
heart, both from the Lord, Satan, and my own corruptions; by all
which (glory be to Jesus Christ) I have also received among many
things, much conviction, instruction, and understanding, of which
at large I shall not here discourse; only give you a hint or two, a
word that may stir up the godly to bless God, and to pray for me;
and also to take encouragement, should the case be their own--not
to fear what man can do unto them.
321. I never had in all my life so great an inlet into the word of
God as now: those scriptures that I saw nothing in before, are
made in this place and state to shine upon me; Jesus Christ also
was never more real and apparent than now; here I have seen and
felt Him indeed: Oh! that word, We have not preached unto you
cunningly devised fables, 2 Pet. i. 16, and that, God raised Christ
from the dead, and gave Him glory, that our faith and hope might be
in God 1 Pet. i. 21, were blessed words unto me in this my
imprisoned condition.
322. These three or four scriptures also have been great
refreshments in this condition to me: John xiv. 1-4; John xvi. 33;
Col. iii. 3, 4; Heb. xii. 22-24. So that sometimes when I have
been in the savour of them, I have been able to laugh at
destruction, and to fear neither the horse nor his rider. I have
had sweet sights of the forgiveness of my sins in this place, and
of my being with Jesus in another world: Oh! the mount Sion, the
heavenly Jerusalem, the innumerable company of angels, and God the
Judge of all, and the spirits of just men made perfect, and Jesus,
have been sweet unto me in this place: I have seen that here, that
I am persuaded I shall never, while in this world, be able to
express: I have seen a truth in this scripture, Whom having not
seen, ye love; in whom, though now you see Him not, yet believing,
ye rejoice with joy unspeakable, and full of glory. 1 Pet. i. 8.
323. I never knew what it was for God to stand by me at all turns,
and at every offer of Satan to afflict me, etc., as I have found
Him since I came in hither: for look how fears have presented
themselves, so have supports and encouragements; yea, when I have
started, even as it were, at nothing else but my shadow, yet God,
as being very tender of me, hath not suffered me to be molested,
but would with one scripture or another, strengthen me against all;
insomuch that I have often said, were it lawful, I could pray for
greater trouble, for the greater comfort's sake. Eccl. vii. 14; 2
Cor. i. 5.
324. Before I came to prison, I saw what was coming, and had
especially two considerations warm upon my heart; the first was,
how to be able to encounter death, should that be here my portion.
For the first of these, that scripture, Col. i. 11, was great
information to me, namely, to pray to God to be strengthened with
all might, according to His glorious power, unto all patience and
long-suffering with joyfulness. I could seldom go to prayer before
I was imprisoned; but for not so little as a year together, this
sentence, or sweet petition would, as it were, thrust itself into
my mind, and persuade me, that if ever I would go through long-
suffering, I must have all patience, especially if I would endure
it joyfully.
325. As to the second consideration, that saying (2 Cor. i. 9)
was of great use to me, But we had the sentence of death in
ourselves, that we should not trust in ourselves, but in God, which
raiseth the dead. By this scripture I was made to see, That if
ever I would suffer rightly, I must first pass a sentence of death
upon every thing that can properly be called a thing of this life,
even to reckon myself, my wife, my children, my health, my
enjoyments, and all as dead to me, and myself as dead to them.
326. The second was to live upon God that is invisible, as Paul
said in another place; the way not to faint is, To look not on the
things that are seen, but at the things that are not seen; for the
things that are seen are temporal, but the things that are not seen
are eternal. And thus I reasoned with myself, if I provide only
for a prison, then the whip comes at unawares; and so doth also the
pillory: Again, if I only provide for these, then I am not fit for
banishment. Further, if I conclude that banishment is the worst,
then if death comes, I am surprised: so that I see, the best way
to go through sufferings, is to trust in God through Christ, as
touching the world to come; and as touching this world, to count
the grave my house, to make my bed in darkness; to say to
corruption, Thou art my father, and to the worm, Thou art my mother
and sister: that is, to familiarize these things to me.
327. But notwithstanding these helps, I found myself a man and
compassed with infirmities; the parting with my wife and poor
children, hath often been to me in this place, as the pulling the
flesh from the bones, and that not only because I am somewhat too
fond of these great mercies, but also because I should have often
brought to my mind the many hardships, miseries, and wants that my
poor family was like to meet with, should I be taken from them,
especially my poor blind child, who lay nearer my heart than all
besides: Oh! the thoughts of the hardship I thought my poor blind
one might go under, would break my heart to pieces.
328. Poor child! thought I, what sorrow art thou like to have for
thy portion in this world! Thou must be beaten, must beg, suffer
hunger, cold, nakedness, and a thousand calamities, though I cannot
now endure the wind should blow upon thee. But yet recalling
myself, thought I, I must venture you all with God, though it goeth
to the quick to leave you: Oh! I saw in this condition I was as a
man who was pulling down his house upon the head of his wife and
children; yet, thought I, I must do it, I must do it: and now I
thought on those two milch kine that were to carry the ark of God
into another country, and to leave their calves behind them. 1
Sam. vi. 10-12.
329. But that which helped me in this temptation, was divers
considerations, of which, three in special here I will name, the
first was the consideration of these two scriptures, Leave thy
fatherless children, I will preserve them alive, and let thy widows
trust in me: and again, The Lord said, Verily it shall be well
with thy remnant, verily, I will cause the enemy to entreat thee
well in the time of evil, and in time of affliction. Jer. xlix.
11; xv. 11.
330. I had also this consideration, that if I should not venture
all for God, I engaged God to take care of my concernments: but if
I forsook Him and His ways, for fear of any trouble that should
come to me or mine, then I should not only falsify my profession,
but should count also that my concernments were not so sure, if
left at God's feet, whilst I stood to and for His name, as they
would be if they were under my own care, though with the denial of
the way of God. This was a smarting consideration, and as spurs
unto my flesh. That scripture also greatly helped it to fasten the
more upon me, where Christ prays against Judas, that God would
disappoint him in his selfish thoughts, which moved him to sell his
Master. Pray read it soberly: Psalm cix. 6-8, etc.
331. I had also another consideration, and that was, the dread of
the torments of hell, which I was sure they must partake of that
for fear of the cross, do shrink from their profession of Christ,
His words and laws before the sons of men: I thought also of the
glory that He had prepared for those that in faith, and love, and
patience, stood to His ways before them. These things, I say, have
helped me, when the thoughts of the misery that both myself and
mine, might for the sake of my profession be exposed to, hath lain
pinching on my mind.
332. When I have indeed conceited that I might be banished for my
profession, then I have thought of that scripture: They were
stoned, they were sawn asunder, were tempted, were slain with the
sword, they wandered about in sheep-skins, and goat-skins, being
destitute, afflicted, tormented, of whom the world was not worthy;
for all they thought they were too bad to dwell and abide amongst
them. I have also thought of that saying, the Holy Ghost
witnesseth in every city, that bonds and afflictions abide me. I
have verily thought that my soul and it have sometimes reasoned
about the sore and sad estate of a banished and exiled condition,
how they were exposed to hunger, to cold, to perils, to nakedness,
to enemies, and a thousand calamities; and at last, it may be, to
die in a ditch, like a poor and desolate sheep. But I thank God,
hitherto I have not been moved by these most delicate reasonings,
but have rather, by them, more approved my heart to God.
333. I will tell you a pretty business:- I was once above all the
rest, in a very sad and low condition for many weeks; at which time
also, I being but a young prisoner, and not acquainted with the
laws, had this lying much upon my spirits, that my imprisonment
might end at the gallows for ought that I could tell. Now
therefore Satan laid hard at me, to beat me out of heart, by
suggesting thus unto me: But how if, when you come indeed to die,
YOU should be in this condition; that is, as not to savour the
things of God, nor to have any evidence upon your soul for a better
state hereafter? (for indeed at that time all the things of God
were hid from my soul).
334. Wherefore, when I at first began to think of this, it was a
great trouble to me; for I thought with myself, that in the
condition I now was in, I was not fit to die, neither indeed did I
think I could, if I should be called to it; besides, I thought with
myself, if I should make a scrambling shift to clamber up the
ladder, yet I should either with quaking, or other symptoms of
fainting, give occasion to the enemy to reproach the way of God and
His people for their timorousness. This, therefore, lay with great
trouble upon me, for methought I was ashamed to die with a pale
face, and tottering knees, in such a cause as this.
335. Wherefore I prayed to God that He would comfort me, and give
me strength to do and suffer me what He should call me to; yet no
comfort appeared, but all continued hid: I was also at this time,
so really possessed with the thought of death, that oft I was as if
I was on a ladder with the rope about my neck; only this was some
encouragement to me; I thought I might now have an opportunity to
speak my last words to a multitude, which I thought would come to
see me die; and, thought I, if it must be so, if God will but
convert one soul by my very last words, I shall not count my life
thrown away, nor lost.
336. But yet all the things of God were kept out of my sight, and
still the tempter followed me with, But whither must you go when
you die? what will become of you? where will you be found in
another world? what evidence have you for heaven and glory, and an
inheritance among them that are sanctified? Thus was I tossed for
many weeks, and knew not what to do; at last this consideration
fell with weight upon me, that it was for the word and way of God
that I was in this condition, Wherefore I was engaged not to flinch
an hair's breadth from it.
337. I thought also, that God might choose whether He would give
me comfort now, or at the hour of death; but I might not therefore
choose whether I would hold my profession or no: I was bound, but
He was free; yea, 'twas my duty to stand to His word, whether He
would ever look upon me or save me at the last: wherefore, thought
I, save the point being thus, I am for going on, and venturing my
eternal state with Christ, whether I have comfort here or no; if
God doth not come in, thought I, I will leap off the ladder even
blindfold into eternity, sink or swim, come heaven, come hell, Lord
Jesus, if Thou wilt catch me, do; if not, I will venture for Thy
name.
338. I was no sooner fixed in this resolution, but the word
dropped upon me, Doth Job serve God for nought? As if the accuser
had said, Lord, Job is no upright man, be serves Thee for bye-
respects: hast Thou not made an hedge about him, etc. But put
forth now Thine hand, and touch all that he hath, and, he will
curse Thee to Thy face. How now! thought I, is this the sign of an
upright soul, to desire to serve God, when all is taken from him?
Is he a godly man that will serve God for nothing, rather than give
out! Blessed be God! then I hope I have an upright heart, for I am
resolved (God giving me strength) never to deny my profession,
though I have nothing at all for my pains: and as I was thus
considering, that scripture was set before me: Psalm xliv. 12,
etc.
339. Now was my heart full of comfort; for I hoped it was sincere:
I would not have been without this trial for much; I am comforted
every time I think of it, and I hope I shall bless God for ever,
for the teaching I have had by it. Many more of the dealings
towards me I might relate, But these out of the spoils won in
battle I have dedicated to maintain the house of God. 1 Chron.
xxvi. 27.
THE CONCLUSION
1. Of all the temptations that ever I met with in my life, to
question the being of God, and truth of His gospel is the worst,
and the worst to be borne; when this temptation comes, it takes
away my girdle from me, and removeth the foundation from under me:
Oh! I have often thought of that word, Have your loins girt about
with truth; and of that, When the foundations are destroyed, what
can the righteous do?
2. Sometimes, when after sin committed, I have looked for sore
chastisement from the hand of God, the very next that I have had
from Him, hath been the discovery of His grace. Sometimes when I
have been comforted, I have called myself a fool for my so sinking
under trouble. And then again, when I have been cast down, I
thought I was not wise, to give such way to comfort; with such
strength and weight have both these been upon me.
3. I have wondered much at this one thing, that though God doth
visit my soul with never so blessed a discovery of Himself, yet I
have found again, that such hours have attended me afterwards, that
I have been in my spirit so filled with darkness, that I could not
so much as once conceive what that God and that comfort was, with
which I have been refreshed.
4. I have sometimes seen more in a line of the Bible, than I could
well tell how to stand under; and yet at another time, the whole
Bible hath been to me as dry as a stick; or rather, My heart hath
been so dead and dry unto it, that I could not conceive the
refreshment, though I have looked it all over.
5. Of all fears, they are best that are made by the blood of
Christ; and of all joy, that is the sweetest that is mixed with
mourning over Christ: Oh! it is a goodly thing to be on our knees,
with Christ in our arms, before God: I hope I know something of
these things.
6. I find to this day seven abominations in my heart: 1.
Inclining to unbelief; 2. Suddenly to forget the love and mercy
that Christ manifesteth; 3. A leaning to the works of the law; 4.
Wanderings and coldness in prayer; 5. To forget to watch for that I
pray for; 6. Apt to murmur because I have no more, and yet ready to
abuse what I have; 7. I can do none of those things which God
commands me, but my corruptions will thrust in themselves. When I
would do good, evil is present with me.
7. These things I continually see and feel, and am afflicted and
oppressed with, yet the wisdom of God doth order them for my good;
1. They make me abhor myself; 2. They keep me from trusting my
heart; 3. They convince me of the insufficiency of all inherent
righteousness; 4. They show me the necessity of flying to Jesus; 5.
They press me to pray unto God; 6. They show me the need I have to
watch and be sober; 7. And provoke me to pray unto God, through
Christ, to help me, and carry me through this world.
A RELATION OF MY IMPRISONMENT IN THE MONTH OF NOVEMBER 1660
When, by the good hand of my God, I had for five or six years
together, without any interruption, freely preached the blessed
gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ; and had also, through His blessed
grace, some encouragement by His blessing thereupon; the devil,
that old enemy of man's salvation, took his opportunity to inflame
the hearts of his vassals against me, insomuch that at the last, I
was laid out for by the warrant of a justice, and was taken and
committed to prison. The relation thereof is as followeth:-
Upon the 12th of this instant, November 1660, I was desired by some
of the friends in the country to come to teach at Samsell, by
Harlington, in Bedfordshire. To whom I made a promise, if the Lord
permitted, to be with them on the time aforesaid. The justice
hearing thereof (whose name is Mr Francis Wingate), forthwith
issued out his warrant to take me, and bring me before him, and in
the meantime to keep a very strong watch about the house where the
meeting should be kept, as if we that were to meet together in that
place did intend to do some fearful business, to the destruction of
the country; when alas! the constable, when he came in, found us
only with our Bibles in our hands, ready to speak and hear the word
of God; for we were just about to begin our exercise. Nay, we had
begun in prayer for the blessing of God upon our opportunity,
intending to have preached the word of the Lord unto them there
present: but the constable coming in prevented us. So I was taken
and forced to depart the room. But had I been minded to have
played the coward, I could have escaped and kept out of his hands.
For when I was come to my friend's house, there was whispering that
that day I should be taken, for there was a warrant out to take me;
which when my friend heard, he being somewhat timorous, questioned
whether we had best have our meeting or not; and whether it might
not be better for me to depart, lest they should take me and have
me before the justice, and after that send me to prison (for he
knew better than I what spirit they were of, living by them): to
whom I said, No, by no means, I will not stir, neither will I have
the meeting dismissed for this. Come, be of good cheer; let us not
be daunted; our cause is good, we need not be ashamed of it; to
preach God's Word, is so good a work, that we shall be well
rewarded, if we suffer for that; or to this purpose--(But as for my
friend, I think he was more afraid of me, than of himself.) After
this I walked into the close, where I somewhat seriously
considering the matter, this came into my mind, That I had showed
myself hearty and courageous in my preaching, and had, blessed be
grace, made it my business to encourage others; therefore thought
I, if I should now run, and make an escape, it will be of a very
ill savour in the country. For what will my weak and newly-
converted brethren think of it, but that I was not so strong in
deed as I was in word? Also I feared that if I should run now
there was a warrant out for me, I might by so doing make them
afraid to stand, when great words only should be spoken to them.
Besides I thought, that seeing God of His mercy should choose me to
go upon the forlorn hope in this country; that is, to be the first,
that should be opposed, for the gospel; if I should fly, it might
be a discouragement to the whole body that might follow after. And
further, I thought the world thereby would take occasion at my
cowardliness, to have blasphemed the gospel, and to have had some
ground to suspect worse of me and my profession, than I deserved.
These things with others considered by me, I came in again to the
house, with a full resolution to keep the meeting, and not to go
away, though I could have been gone about an hour before the
officer apprehended me; but I would not; for I was resolved to see
the utmost of what they could say or do unto me. For blessed be
the Lord, I knew of no evil that I had said or done. And so, as
aforesaid, I begun the meeting. But being prevented by the
constable's coming in with his warrant to take me, I could not
proceed. But before I went away, I spake some few words of counsel
and encouragement to the people, declaring to them, that they saw
we were prevented of our opportunity to speak and hear the Word of
God, and were like to suffer for the same; desiring them that they
would not be discouraged, for it was a mercy to suffer upon so good
account. For we might have been apprehended as thieves or
murderers, or for other wickedness; but blessed be God it was not
so, but we suffer as Christians for well doing: and we had better
be the persecuted, than the persecutors, etc. But the constable
and the justice's man waiting on us, would not be at quiet till
they had me away and that we departed the house. But because the
justice was not at home that day, there was a friend of mine
engaged for me to bring me to the constable on the morrow morning.
Otherwise the constable must have charged a watch with me, or have
secured me some other way, my crime was so great. So on the next
morning we went to the constable, and so to the justice. He asked
the constable what we did, where we was met together, and what we
had with us? I trow, he meant whether we had armour or not; but
when the constable told him that there were only met a few of us
together to preach and hear the Word, and no sign of anything else,
he could not well tell what to say: yet because he had sent for
me, he did adventure to put out a few proposals to me, which were
to this effect, namely, What I did there? And why I did not
content myself with following my calling? for it was against the
law, that such as I should be admitted to do as I did.
John Bunyan. To which I answered, That the intent of my coming
thither, and to other places, was to instruct, and counsel people
to forsake their sins, and close in with Christ, lest they did
miserably perish; and that I could do both these without confusion
(to wit), follow my calling, and preach the Word also.
At which words, he was in a chafe, as it appeared; for he said that
he would break the neck of our meetings.
Bun. I said, It may be so. Then he wished me to get sureties to
be bound for me, or else he would send me to the jail.
My sureties being ready, I called them in, and when the bond for my
appearance was made, he told them, that they was bound to keep me
from preaching; and that if I did preach, their bonds would be
forfeited. To which I answered, that then I should break them; for
I should not leave speaking the Word of God: even to counsel,
comfort, exhort, and teach the people among whom I came; and I
thought this to be a work that had no hurt in it: but was rather
worthy of commendation, than blame.
Wingate. Whereat he told me, that if they would not be so bound,
my mittimus must be made, and I sent to the jail, there to lie to
the quarter sessions.
Now while my mittimus was making, the justice was withdrawn; and in
comes an old enemy to the truth, Dr Lindale, who, when he was come
in, fell to taunting at me with many reviling terms.
Bun. To whom I answered, that I did not come thither to talk with
him, but with the justice. Whereat he supposed that I had nothing
to say for myself, and triumphed as if he had got the victory;
charging and condemning me for meddling with that for which I could
show no warrant; and asked me, if I had taken the oaths? and if I
had not, it was pity but that I should be sent to prison, etc.
I told him, that if I was minded, I could answer to any sober
question that he should put to me. He then urged me again, how I
could prove it lawful for me to preach, with a great deal of
confidence of the victory.
But at last, because he should see that I could answer him if I
listed, I cited to him that verse in Peter, which saith, every man
hath received the gift, even so let him minister the same, etc.
Lind. Aye, saith he, to whom is that spoken?
Bun. To whom, said I, why to every man that hath received a gift
from God. Mark, saith the apostle, As every man that hath received
a gift from God, etc.; and again, You may all prophesy one by one.
Whereat the man was a little stopt, and went a softlier pace: but
not being willing to lose the day, he began again, and said:-
Lind. Indeed, I do remember that I have read of one Alexander a
coppersmith, who did much oppose, and disturb the apostles;--
(aiming it is like at me, because I was a tinker).
Bun. To which I answered, that I also had read of very many
priests and pharisees, that had their hands in the blood of our
Lord Jesus Christ.
Lind. Aye, saith he, and you are one of those scribes and
pharisees: for you, with a pretence, make long prayers to devour
widows' houses.
Bun. I answered, that if he had got no more by preaching and
praying than I had done, he would not be so rich as now he was.
But that scripture coming into my mind, Answer not a fool according
to his folly, I was as sparing of my speech as I could, without
prejudice to truth.
Now by this time my mittimus was made, and I committed to the
constable, to be sent to the jail in Bedford, etc.
But as I was going, two of my brethren met with me by the way, and
desired the constable to stay, supposing that they should prevail
with the justice, through the favour of a pretended friend, to let
me go at liberty. So we did stay, while they went to the justice;
and after much discourse with him, it came to this: that if I
would come to him again, and say some certain words to him, I
should be released. Which when they told me, I said if the words
was such that might be said with a good conscience, I should or
else I should not. So through their importunity went back again,
but not believing that I should be delivered: for I feared their
spirit was too full of opposition to the truth to let me go, unless
I should, in something or other, dishonour my God and wound my
conscience. Wherefore, as I went, I lifted up my heart to God, for
light and strength to be kept, that I might not do any thing that
might either dishonour Him, or wrong my own soul, or be a grief or
discouragement to any that was inclining after the Lord Jesus
Christ.
Well, when I came to the justice again, there was Mr Foster of
Bedford, who, coming out of another room, and seeing me by the
light of the candle (for it was dark night when I went thither), he
said unto me, Who is there? John Bunyan? with such seeming
affection, as if he would have leaped on my neck and kissed me,
which made me somewhat wonder, that such a man as he, with whom I
had so little acquaintance, and, besides, that had ever been a
close opposer of the ways of God, should carry himself so full of
love to me; but, afterwards, when I saw what he did, it caused me
to remember those sayings, Their tongues are smoother than oil, but
their words are drawn swords. And again, Beware of men, etc.
When I had answered him, that blessed be God, I was well; he said,
What is the occasion of your being here? or to that purpose. To
whom I answered, that I was at a meeting of people a little way
off, intending to speak a word of exhortation to them; the justice
hearing thereof, said I, was pleased to send his warrant to fetch
me before him, etc.
Fost. So (said he), I understand: but well, if you will promise
to call the people no more together, you shall have your liberty to
go home; for my brother is very loath to send you to prison, if you
will be but ruled.
Bun. Sir (said I), pray what do you mean by calling the people
together? my business is not anything among them, when they are
come together, but to exhort them to look after the salvation of
their souls, that they may be saved, etc.
Fost. Saith he, We must not enter into explication, or dispute
now; but if you will say you will call the people no more together,
you may have your liberty; if not, you must be sent away to prison.
Bun. Sir, said I, I shall not force or compel any man to hear me;
but yet, if I come into any place where there is a people met
together, I should, according to the best of my skill and wisdom,
exhort and counsel them to seek out after the Lord Jesus Christ,
for the salvation of their souls.
Fost. He said, That was none of my work; I must follow my calling;
and if I would but leave off preaching, and follow my calling, I
should have the justice's favour, and be acquitted presently.
Bun. To whom I said, that I could follow my calling, and that too,
namely, preaching the Word: and I did look upon it as my duty to
do them both, as I had an opportunity.
Fost. He said, To have any such meetings was against the law; and,
therefore, he would have me leave off, and say, I would call the
people no more together.
Bun. To whom I said, that I durst not make any further promise;
for my conscience would not suffer me to do it. And again, I did
look upon it as my duty to do as much good as I could, not only in
my trade, but also in communicating to all people wheresoever I
came the best knowledge I had in the Word.
Fost. He told me that I was the nearest the Papists of any, and
that he would convince me of immediately.
Bun. I asked him, Wherein?
Fost. He said, In that we understood the Scriptures literally.
Bun. I told him that those that were to be understood literally,
we understood them so; but for those that was to be understood
otherwise, we endeavoured so to understand them.
Fost. He said, Which of the Scriptures do you understand
literally?
Bun. I said this, He that believes shall be saved. This was to be
understood just as it is spoken; that whosoever believeth in Christ
shall, according to the plain and simple words of the text, be
saved.
Fost. He said that I was ignorant, and did not understand the
Scriptures; for how, said he, can you understand them when you know
not the original Greek? etc.
Bun. To whom I said, that if that was his opinion, that none could
understand the Scriptures but those that had the original Greek,
etc., then but a very few of the poorest sort should be saved (this
is harsh); yet the Scripture saith, That God hides these things
from the wise and prudent (that is, from the learned of the world),
and reveals them to babes and sucklings.
Fost. He said there were none that heard me but a company of
foolish people.
Bun. I told him that there was the wise as well as the foolish
that do hear me; and again, those that were most commonly counted
foolish by the world are the wisest before God; also, that God had
rejected the wise, and mighty, and noble, and chosen the foolish,
and the base.
Fost. He told me that I made people neglect their calling; and
that God had commanded people to work six days, and serve Him on
the seventh.
Bun. I told him that it was the duty of people, (both rich and
poor), to look out for their souls on them days as well as for
their bodies; and that God would have His people exhort one another
daily, while it is called to-day.
Fost. He said again that there were none but a company of poor,
simple, ignorant people that come to hear me.
Bun. I told him that the foolish and the ignorant had most need of
teaching and information; and, therefore, it would be profitable
for me to go on in that work.
Fost. Well, said he, to conclude, but will you promise that you
will not call the people together any more? and then you may be
released and go home.
Bun. I told him that I durst say no more than I had said; for I
durst not leave off that work which God had called me to.
So he withdrew from me, and then came several of the justice's
servants to me, and told me that I stood so much upon a nicety.
Their master, they said, was willing to let me go; and if I would
but say I would call the people no more together, I might have my
liberty, etc.
Bun. I told them there were more ways than one in which a man
might be said to call the people together. As for instance, if a
man get upon the market-place, and there read a book, or the like,
though he do not say to the people, Sirs, come hither and hear; yet
if they come to him because he reads, he, by his very reading, may
be said to call them together; because they would not have been
there to hear if he had not been there to read. And seeing this
might be termed a calling the people together; I durst not say, I
would not call them together; for then, by the same argument, my
preaching might be said to call them together.
Wing. and Fost. Then came the justice and Mr Foster to me again;
(we had a little more discourse about preaching, but because the
method of it is out of my mind, I pass it); and when they saw that
I was at a point, and would not be moved nor persuaded, Mr Foster,
the man that did at first express so much love to me, told the
justice that then he must send me away to prison. And that he
would do well, also, if he would present all those that were the
cause of my coming among them to meetings. Thus we parted.
And, verily, as I was going forth of the doors, I had much ado to
forbear saying to them that I carried the peace of God along with
me; but I held my peace, and, blessed be the Lord, went away to
prison, with God's comfort in my poor soul.
After I had lain in the jail five or six days, the brethren sought
means, again, to get me out by bondsmen; (for so ran my mittimus,
that I should lie there till I could find sureties). They went to
a justice at Elstow, one Mr Crumpton, to desire him to take bond
for my appearing at the quarter sessions. At the first he told
them he would; but afterwards he made a demur at the business, and
desired first to see my mittimus, which ran to this purpose: That
I went about to several conventicles in the county, to the great
disparagement of the government of the church of England, etc.
When he had seen it, he said that there might be something more
against me than was expressed in my mittimus; and that he was but a
young man, therefore he durst not do it. This my jailor told me;
and, whereat I was not at all daunted but rather glad, and saw
evidently that the Lord had heard me; for before I went down to the
justice, I begged of God that if I might do more good by being at
liberty than in prison, that then I might be set at liberty; but if
not, His will be done; for I was not altogether without hopes but
that my imprisonment might be an awakening to the saints in the
country, therefore I could not tell well which to choose; only I,
in that manner, did commit the thing to God. And verily, at my
return, I did meet my God sweetly in the prison again, comforting
of me and satisfying of me that it was His will and mind that I
should be there.
When I came back again to prison, as I was musing at the slender
answer of the justice, this word dropt in upon my heart with some
life, For He knew that for envy they had delivered Him.
Thus have I, in short, declared the manner and occasion of my being
in prison; where I lie waiting the good will of God, to do with me
as He pleaseth; knowing that not one hair of my head can fall to
the ground without the will of my Father, which is in heaven. Let
the rage and malice of men be never so great, they can do no more,
nor go any further, than God permits them; but when they have done
their worst, We know all things shall work together for good to
them that love God.
Farewell.
Here is the Sum of my Examination before Justice KEELIN, Justice
CHESTER, Justice BLUNDALE, Justice BEECHER, Justice SNAGG, etc.
After I had lain in prison above seven weeks, the quarter-sessions
were to be kept in Bedford, for the county thereof, unto which I
was to be brought; and when my jailor had set me before those
justices, there was a bill of indictment preferred against me. The
extent thereof was as followeth: That John Bunyan, of the town of
Bedford, labourer, being a person of such and such conditions, he
hath (since such a time) devilishly and perniciously abstained from
coming to church to hear Divine service, and is a common upholder
of several unlawful meetings and conventicles, to the great
disturbance and distraction of the good subjects of this kingdom,
contrary to the laws of our sovereign lord the King, etc.
The Clerk. When this was read, the clerk of the sessions said unto
me, What say you to this?
Bun. I said, that as to the first part of it, I was a common
frequenter of the Church of God. And was also, by grace, a member
with the people, over whom Christ is the Head.
Keelin. But, saith Justice Keelin (who was the judge in that
court), do you come to church (you know what I mean); to the parish
church, to hear Divine service?
Bun. I answered, No, I did not.
Keel. He asked me, Why?
Bun. I said, Because I did not find it commanded in the Word of
God.
Keel. He said, We were commanded to pray.
Bun. I said, But not by the Common Prayer-Book.
Keel. He said, How then?
Bun. I said, With the Spirit. As the apostle saith, I will pray
with the Spirit, and with the understanding. 1 Cor. xiv. 15.
Keel. He said, We might pray with the Spirit, and with the
understanding, and with the Common Prayer-Book also.
Bun. I said, that the prayers in the Common Prayer-Book were such
as was made by other men, and not by the motions of the Holy Ghost,
within our hearts; and as I said, the apostle saith, he will pray
with the Spirit, and with the understanding; not with the Spirit
and the Common Prayer-Book.
Another Justice. What do you count prayer? Do you think it is to
say a few words over before or among a people?
Bun. I said, No, not so; for men might have many elegant, or
excellent words, and yet not pray at all; but when a man prayeth,
he doth, through a sense of those things which he wants (which
sense is begotten by the Spirit), pour out his heart before God
through Christ; though his words be not so many and so excellent as
others are.
Justices. They said, That was true.
Bun. I said, This might be done without the Common Prayer-Book.
Another. One of them said (I think it was Justice Blundale, or
Justice Snagg), How should we know that you do not write out your
prayers first, and then read them afterwards to the people? This
he spake in a laughing way.
Bun. I said, it is not our use, to take a pen and paper, and write
a few words thereon, and then go and read it over to a company of
people.
But how should we know it, said he?
Bun. Sir, it is none of our custom, said I.
Keel. But said Justice Keelin, It is lawful to use the Common
Prayer, and such like forms: for Christ taught His disciples to
pray, as John also taught his disciples. And further, said he,
Cannot one man teach another to pray? Faith comes by hearing; and
one man may convince another of sin, and therefore prayers made by
men, and read over, are good to teach, and help men to pray.
While he was speaking these words, God brought that word into my
mind, in the eighth of the Romans, at the 26th verse. I say, God
brought it, for I thought not on it before: but as he was
speaking, it came so fresh into my mind, and was set so evidently
before me, as if the scripture had said, Take me, take me; so when
he had done speaking,
Bun. I said, Sir, the scripture saith, that it is the spirit that
helpeth our infirmities; for we know not what we should pray for as
we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us, with
sighs and groanings which cannot be uttered. Mark, said I, it doth
not say the Common Prayer-Book teacheth us how to pray, but the
Spirit. And it is the Spirit that helpeth our infirmities, saith
the apostle; he doth not say it is the Common Prayer-Book.
And as to the Lord's prayer, although it be an easy thing to say,
Our Father, etc., with the mouth; yet there is very few that can,
in the Spirit, say the two first words in that prayer; that is,
that can call God their Father, as knowing what it is to be born
again, and as having experience, that they are begotten of the
Spirit of God: which if they do not, all is but babbling, etc.
Keel. Justice Keelin said that that was a truth.
Bun. And I say further, as to your saying that one man may
convince another of sin, and that faith comes by hearing, and that
one man may tell another how he should pray, etc., I say men may
tell each other of their sins, but it is the Spirit that must
convince them.
And though it be said that faith comes by hearing: yet it is the
Spirit that worketh faith in the heart through hearing, or else
they are not profited by hearing. Heb. iv. 12.
And that though one man may tell another how he should pray: yet,
as I said before, he cannot pray, nor make his condition known to
God, except the Spirit help. It is not the Common Prayer-Book that
can do this. It is the Spirit that showeth us our sins, and the
Spirit that showeth us a Saviour, Jn. xvi. 16, and the Spirit that
stirreth up in our hearts desires to come to God, for such things
as we stand in need of, Matt. xi. 27, even sighing out our souls
unto Him for them with groans which cannot be uttered. With other
words to the same purpose. At this they were set.
Keel. But says Justice Keelin, What have you against the Common
Prayer-Book?
Bun. I said, Sir, if you will hear me, I shall lay down my reasons
against it.
Keel. He said I should have liberty; but first, said he, let me
give you one caution; take heed of speaking irreverently of the
Common Prayer-Book; for if you do so, you will bring great damage
upon yourself.
Bun. So I proceeded, and said, My first reason was, because it was
not commanded in the Word of God, and therefore I could not use it.
Another. One of them said, Where do you find it commanded in the
Scripture, that you should go to Elstow, or Bedford, and yet it is
lawful to go to either of them, is it not?
Bun. I said, To go to Elstow, or Bedford, was a civil thing, and
not material, though not commanded, and yet God's Word allowed me
to go about my calling, and therefore if it lay there, then to go
thither, etc. But to pray, was a great part of the Divine worship
of God, and therefore it ought to be done according to the rule of
God's Word.
Another. One of them said, He will do harm; let him speak no
further.
Keel. Justice Keelin said, No, no, never fear him, we are better
established than so; he can do no harm; we know the Common Prayer-
Book hath been ever since the apostles' time, and it is lawful for
it to be used in the church.
Bun. I said, Show me the place in the epistles, where the Common
Prayer-Book is written, or one text of Scripture, that commands me
to read it, and I will use it. But yet, notwithstanding, said I,
they that have a mind to use it, they have their liberty; that is,
I would not keep them from it; but for our parts, we can pray to
God without it. Blessed be His name!
With that, one of them said, Who is your God? Beelzebub?
Moreover, they often said, that I was possessed with the spirit of
delusion, and of the devil. All which sayings I passed over; the
Lord forgive them! And further, I said, Blessed be the Lord for
it; we are encouraged to meet together, and to pray, and exhort one
another; for, we have had the comfortable presence of God among us.
For ever blessed be His holy name!
Keel. Justice Keelin called this pedler's French, saying, that I
must leave off my canting. The Lord open his eyes!
Bun. I said that we ought to exhort one another daily, while it is
called to-day, etc.
Keel. Justice Keelin said that I ought not to preach; and asked me
where I had my authority? with other such like words.
Bun. I said that I would prove that it was lawful for me, and such
as I am, to preach the Word of God.
Keel. He said unto me, By what Scripture?
Bun. I said, By that in the first epistle of Peter, chap. iv. 10,
11, and Acts xviii., with other Scriptures, which he would not
suffer me to mention. But said, Hold; not so many, which is the
first?
Bun. I said this: As every man hath received the gift, even so
let him minister the same unto another, as good stewards of the
manifold grace of God. If any man speak, let him speak as the
oracles of God, etc.
Keel. He said, Let me a little open that Scripture to you: As
every man hath received the gift; that is, said he, as every one
hath received a trade, so let him follow it. If any man have
received a gift of tinkering, as thou hast done, let him follow his
tinkering. And so other men their trades. And the divine his
calling, etc.
Bun. Nay, sir, said I, but it is most clear, that the apostle
speaks here of preaching the Word; if you do but compare both the
verses together, the next verse explains this gift what it is,
saying, if any man speak, let him speak as the oracles of God. So
that it is plain, that the Holy Ghost doth not so much in this
place exhort to civil callings, as to the exercising of those gifts
that we have received from God. I would have gone on, but he would
not give me leave.
Keel. He said, We might do it in our families, but not otherways.
Bun. I said, If it was lawful to do good to some, it was lawful to
do good to more. If it was a good duty to exhort our families, it
was good to exhort others; but if they held it a sin to meet
together to seek the face of God, and exhort one another to follow
Christ, I should sin still; for so we should do.
Keel. He said he was not so well versed in Scripture as to
dispute, or words to that purpose. And said, moreover, that they
could not wait upon me any longer; but said to me, Then you confess
the indictment, do you not? Now, and not till now, I saw I was
indicted.
Bun. I said, This I confess, we have had many meetings together,
both to pray to God, and to exhort one another, and that we had the
sweet comforting presence of the Lord among us for our
encouragement; blessed be His name therefore. I confessed myself
guilty no otherwise.
Keel. Then, said he, bear your judgment. You must be had back
again to prison, and there lie for three months following; and at
three months' end, if you do not submit to go to church to hear
Divine service, and leave your preaching, you must be banished the
realm: and if, after such a day as shall be appointed you to be
gone, you shall be found in this realm, etc., or be found to come
over again without special licence from the king, etc., you must
stretch by the neck for it, I tell you plainly: and so he bid my
jailor have me away.
Bun. I told him, as to this matter, I was at a point with him; for
if I were out of prison to-day, I would preach the Gospel again to-
morrow, by the help of God.
Another. To which one made me some answer: but my jailor pulling
me away to be gone, I could not tell what he said.
Thus I departed from them; and I can truly say, I bless the Lord
Jesus Christ for it, that my heart was sweetly refreshed in the
time of my examination, and also afterwards, at my returning to the
prison. So that I found Christ's words more than bare trifles,
where He saith, I will give you a mouth and wisdom, which all your
adversaries shall not be able to gainsay, nor resist. Luke xxi.
15. And that His peace no man can take from us.
Thus have I given you the substance of my examination. The Lord
make this profitable to all that shall read or hear it. Farewell.
The Substance of some Discourse had between the Clerk of the Peace
and myself; when he came to admonish me, according to the tenor of
that Law, by which I was in prison.
When I had lain in prison other twelve weeks, and now not knowing
what they intended to do with me, upon the third of April 1661,
comes Mr Cobb unto me (as he told me), being sent by the justices
to admonish me; and demand of me submittance to the church of
England, etc. The extent of our discourse was as followeth.
Cobb. When he was come into the house he sent for me out of my
chamber; who, when I was come unto him, he said, Neighbour Bunyan,
how do you do?
Bun. I thank you, Sir, said I, very well, blessed be the Lord.
Cobb. Saith he, I come to tell you, that it is desired you would
submit yourself to the laws of the land, or else at the next
sessions it will go worse with you, even to be sent away out of the
nation, or else worse than that.
Bun. I said that I did desire to demean myself in the world, both
as becometh a man and a Christian.
Cobb. But, saith he, you must submit to the laws of the land, and
leave off those meetings which you was wont to have; for the
statute-law is directly against it; and I am sent to you by the
justices to tell you that they do intend to prosecute the law
against you if you submit not.
Bun. I said, Sir, I conceive that that law by which I am in prison
at this time, doth not reach or condemn either me, or the meetings
which I do frequent; that law was made against those, that being
designed to do evil in their meetings, making the exercise of
religion their pretence, to cover their wickedness. It doth not
forbid the private meetings of those that plainly and simply make
it their only end to worship the Lord, and to exhort one another to
edification. My end in meeting with others is simply to do as much
good as I can, by exhortation and counsel, according to that small
measure of light which God hath given me, and not to disturb the
peace of the nation.
Cobb. Every one will say the same, said he; you see the late
insurrection at London, under what glorious pretences they went;
and yet, indeed, they intended no less than the ruin of the kingdom
and commonwealth.
Bun. That practice of theirs, I abhor, said I; yet it doth not
follow that, because they did so, therefore all others will do so.
I look upon it as my duty to behave myself under the King's
government, both as becomes a man and a Christian, and if an
occasion were offered me, I should willingly manifest my loyalty to
my Prince, both by word and deed.
Cobb. Well, said he, I do not profess myself to be a man that can
dispute; but this I say, truly, neighbour Bunyan, I would have you
consider this matter seriously, and submit yourself; you may have
your liberty to exhort your neighbour in private discourse, so be
you do not call together an assembly of people; and, truly, you may
do much good to the church of Christ, if you would go this way; and
this you may do, and the law not abridge you of it. It is your
private meetings that the law is against.
Bun. Sir, said I, if I may do good to one by my discourse? why may
I not do good to two? And if to two, why not to four, and so to
eight? etc.
Cobb. Ay, saith he, and to a hundred, I warrant you.
Bun. Yes, Sir, said I, I think I should not be forbid to do as
much good as I can.
Cobb. But, saith he, you may but pretend to do good, and instead,
notwithstanding, do harm, by seducing the people; you are,
therefore, denied your meeting so many together, lest you should do
harm.
Bun. And yet, said I, you say the law tolerates me to discourse
with my neighbour; surely there is no law tolerates me seduce any
one; therefore if I may by the law discourse with one, surely it is
to do him good; and if I by discoursing may do good to one, surely,
by the same law, I may do good to many.
Cobb. The law, saith he, doth expressly forbid your private
meetings; therefore they are not to be tolerated.
Bun. I told him that I would not entertain so much
uncharitableness of that Parliament in the 35th of Elizabeth, or of
the Queen herself, as to think they did, by that law, intend the
oppressing of any of God's ordinances, or the interrupting any in
way of God; but men may, in the wresting of it, turn it against the
way of God; but take the law in itself, and it only fighteth
against those that drive at mischief in their hearts and meeting,
making religion only their cloak, colour, or pretence; for so are
the words of the statute: If any meetings, under colour or
pretence of religion, etc.
Cobb. Very good; therefore the king, seeing that pretences are
usually in and among people, so as to make religion their pretence
only; therefore he, and the law before him, doth forbid such
private meetings, and tolerates only public; you may meet in
public.
Bun. Sir, said I, let me answer you in a similitude: Set the case
that, at such a wood corner, there did usually come forth thieves,
to do mischief; must there therefore a law be made, that every one
that cometh out there shall be killed? May not there come out true
men as well as thieves out from thence? Just thus is it in this
case; I do think there may be many that may design the destruction
of the commonwealth; but it doth not follow therefore that all
private meetings are unlawful; those that transgress, let them be
punished. And if at any time I myself should do any act in my
conversation as doth not become a man and Christian, let me bear
the punishment. And as for your saying I may meet in public, if I
may be suffered, I would gladly do it. Let me have but meeting
enough in public, and I shall care the less to have them in
private. I do not meet in private because I am afraid to have
meetings in public. I bless the Lord that my heart is at that
point, that if any man can lay any thing to my charge, either in
doctrine or in practice, in this particular, that can be proved
error or heresy, I am willing to disown it, even in the very
market-place; but if it be truth, then to stand to it to the last
drop of my blood. And, Sir, said I, you ought to commend me for so
doing. To err and to be a heretic are two things; I am no heretic,
because I will not stand refractorily to defend any one thing that
is contrary to the Word. Prove any thing which I hold to be an
error, and I will recant it.
Cobb. But, goodman Bunyan, said he, methinks you need not stand so
strictly upon this one thing, as to have meetings of such public
assemblies. Cannot you submit, and, notwithstanding, do as much
good as you can, in a neighbourly way, without having such
meetings?
Bun. Truly, Sir, said I, I do not desire to commend myself, but to
think meanly of myself; yet when I do most despise myself, taking
notice of that small measure of light which God hath given me, also
that the people of the Lord (by their own saying), are edified
thereby. Besides, when I see that the Lord, through grace, hath in
some measure blessed my labour, I dare not but exercise that gift
which God hath given me for the good of the people. And I said
further, that I would willingly speak in public if I might.
Cobb. He said, that I might come to the public assemblies and
hear. What though you do not preach? you may hear. Do not think
yourself so well enlightened, and that you have received a gift so
far above others, but that you may hear other men preach. Or to
that purpose.
Bun. I told him, I was as willing to be taught as to give
instruction, and I looked upon it as my duty to do both; for, said
I, a man that is a teacher, he himself may learn also from another
that teacheth, as the apostle saith, We may all prophesy one by
one, that all may learn. 1 Cor. xiv. 31. That is, every man that
hath received a gift from God, he may dispense it, that others may
be comforted; and when he hath done, he may hear and learn, and be
comforted himself of others.
Cobb. But, said he, what if you should forbear awhile, and sit
still, till you see further how things will go?
Bun. Sir, said I, Wickliffe saith, that he which leaveth off
preaching and hearing of the Word of God for fear of
excommunication of men, he is already excommunicated of God, and
shall in the day of judgment be counted a traitor to Christ.
Cobb. Ay, saith he, they that do not hear shall be so counted
indeed; do you, therefore, hear?
Bun. But, Sir, said I, he saith, he that shall leave off either
preaching or hearing, etc. That is, if he hath received a gift for
edification, it is his sin, if he doth not lay it out in a way of
exhortation and counsel, according to the proportion of his gift;
as well as to spend his time altogether in hearing others preach.
Cobb. But, said he, how shall we know that you have received a
gift?
Bun. Said I, Let any man hear and search, and prove the doctrine
by the Bible.
Cobb. But will you be willing, said he, that two indifferent
persons shall determine the case; and will you stand by their
judgment?
Bun. I said, Are they infallible?
Cobb. He said, No.
Bun. Then, said I, it is possible my judgment may be as good as
theirs. But yet I will pass by either, and in this matter be
judged by the Scriptures; I am sure that is infallible, and cannot
err.
Cobb. But, said he, who shall be judge between you, for you take
the Scriptures one way, and they another?
Bun. I said the Scripture should: and that by comparing one
Scripture with another; for that will open itself, if it be rightly
compared. As for instance, if under the different apprehensions of
the word Mediator, you would know the truth of it, the Scriptures
open it, and tell us that he that is a mediator must take up the
business between two, and a mediator is not a mediator of one,--but
God is one, and there is one Mediator between God and men, even the
man Christ Jesus. Gal. iii. 20; 1 Tim. ii. 5. So likewise the
Scripture calleth Christ a complete, or perfect, or able high
priest. That is opened in that He is called man, and also God.
His blood also is discovered to be effectually efficacious by the
same things. So the Scripture, as touching the matter of meeting
together, etc., doth likewise sufficiently open itself and discover
its meaning.
Cobb. But are you willing, said he, to stand to the judgment of
the church?
Bun. Yes, Sir, said I, to the approbation of the church of God;
(the church's judgment is best expressed in Scripture). We had
much other discourse which I cannot well remember, about the laws
of the nation, and submission to governments; to which I did tell
him, that I did look upon myself as bound in conscience to walk
according to all righteous laws, and that, whether there was a king
or no; and if I did any thing that was contrary, I did hold it my
duty to bear patiently the penalty of the law, that was provided
against such offenders; with many more words to the like effect.
And said, moreover, that to cut off all occasions of suspicion from
any, as touching the harmlessness of my doctrine in private, I
would willingly take the pains to give any one the notes of all my
sermons; for I do sincerely desire to live quietly in my country,
and to submit to the present authority.
Cobb. Well, neighbour Bunyan, said he, but indeed I would wish you
seriously to consider of these things, between this and the
quarter-sessions, and to submit yourself. You may do much good if
you continue still in the land; but alas, what benefit will it be
to your friends, or what good can you do to them, if you should be
sent away beyond the seas into Spain, or Constantinople, or some
other remote part of the world? Pray be ruled.
Jailor. Indeed, Sir, I hope he will be ruled.
Bun. I shall desire, said I, in all honesty to behave myself in
the nation, whilst I am in it. And if I must be so dealt withal,
as you say, I hope God will help me to bear what they shall lay
upon me. I know no evil that I have done in this matter, to be so
used. I speak as in the presence of God.
Cobb. You know, saith he, that the Scripture saith, the powers
that be, are ordained of God.
Bun. I said, Yes, and that I was to submit to the King as supreme,
and also to the governors, as to them who are sent by Him.
Cobb. Well then, said he, the King then commands you, that you
should not have any private meetings; because it is against his
law, and he is ordained of God, therefore you should not have any.
Bun. I told him that Paul did own the powers that were in his day,
to be of God; and yet he was often in prison under them for all
that. And also, though Jesus Christ told Pilate, that He had no
power against him, but of God, yet He died under the same Pilate;
and yet, said I, I hope you will not say that either Paul, or
Christ, were such as did deny magistracy, and so sinned against God
in slighting the ordinance. Sir, said I, the law hath provided two
ways of obeying: the one to do that which I, in my conscience, do
believe that I am bound to do, actively; and where I cannot obey
actively, there I am willing to lie down, and to suffer what they
shall do unto me. At this he sat still, and said no more; which
when he had done, I did thank him for his civil and meek
discoursing with me; and so we parted.
O! that we might meet in heaven!
Farewell. J. B.
Here followeth a discourse between my Wife and the Judges, with
others, touching my Deliverance at the Assizes following; the which
I took from her own Mouth.
After that I had received this sentence of banishing, or hanging,
from them, and after the former admonition, touching the
determination of the justices if I did not recant; just when the
time drew nigh, in which I should have abjured, or have done worse
(as Mr Cobb told me), came the time in which the King was to be
crowned. Now, at the coronation of kings, there is usually a
releasement of divers prisoners, by virtue of his coronation; in
which privilege also I should have had my share; but that they took
me for a convicted person, and therefore, unless I sued out a
pardon (as they called it), I could have no benefit thereby,
notwithstanding, yet, forasmuch as the coronation proclamation did
give liberty, from the day the King was crowned, to that day
twelvemonth, to sue them out; therefore, though they would not let
me out of prison, as they let out thousands, yet they could not
meddle with me, as touching the execution of their sentence;
because of the liberty offered for the suing out of pardons.
Whereupon I continued in prison till the next assizes, which are
called Midsummer assizes, being then kept in August, 1661.
Now, at that assizes, because I would not leave any possible means
unattempted that might be lawful, I did, by my wife, present a
petition to the judges three times, that I might be heard, and that
they would impartially take my case into consideration.
The first time my wife went, she presented it to Judge Hale, who
very mildly received it at her hand, telling her that he would do
her and me the best good he could; but he feared, he said, he could
do none. The next day, again, lest they should, through the
multitude of business, forget me, we did throw another petition
into the coach to Judge Twisdon; who, when he had seen it, snapt
her up, and angrily told her that I was a convicted person, and
could not be released, unless I would promise to preach no more,
etc.
Well, after this, she yet again presented another to judge Hale, as
he sat on the bench, who, as it seemed, was willing to give her
audience. Only Justice Chester being present, stept up and said,
that I was convicted in the court, and that I was a hot-spirited
fellow (or words to that purpose), whereat he waived it, and did
not meddle therewith. But yet, my wife being encouraged by the
high-sheriff, did venture once more into their presence (as the
poor widow did before the unjust judge) to try what she could do
with them for my liberty, before they went forth of the town. The
place where she went to them, was to the Swan-chamber, where the
two judges, and many justices and gentry of the country, was in
company together. She then coming into the chamber with a bashed
face, and a trembling heart, began her errand to them in this
manner:-
Woman. My lord (directing herself to judge Hale), I make bold to
come once again to your Lordship, to know what may be done with my
husband.
Judge Hale. To whom he said, Woman, I told thee before I could do
thee no good; because they have taken that for a conviction which
thy husband spoke at the sessions: and unless there be something
done to undo that, I can do thee no good.
Woman. My lord, said she, he is kept unlawfully in prison; they
clapped him up before there was any proclamation against the
meetings; the indictment also is false. Besides, they never asked
him whether he was guilty or no; neither did he confess the
indictment.
One of the Justices. Then one of the justices that stood by, whom
she knew not, said, My Lord, he was lawfully convicted.
Wom. It is false, said she; for when they said to him, Do you
confess the indictment? he said only this, that he had been at
several meetings, both where there were preaching the Word, and
prayer, and that they had God's presence among them.
Judge Twisdon. Whereat Judge Twisdon answered very angrily,
saying, What, you think we can do what we list; your husband is a
breaker of the peace, and is convicted by the law, etc. Whereupon
Judge Hale called for the Statute Book.
Wom. But, said she, my lord, he was not lawfully convicted.
Chester. Then Justice Chester said, My lord, he was lawfully
convicted.
Wom. It is false, said she; it was but a word of discourse that
they took for a conviction (as you heard before).
Chest. But it is recorded, woman; it is recorded, said Justice
Chester; as if it must be of necessity true, because it was
recorded. With which words he often endeavoured to stop her mouth,
having no other argument to convince her, but it is recorded, it is
recorded.
Wom. My Lord, said she, I was a while since at London, to see if I
could get my husband's liberty; and there I spoke with my lord
Barkwood, one of the House of Lords, to whom I delivered a
petition, who took it of me and presented it to some of the rest of
the House of Lords, for my husband's releasement; who, when they
had seen it, they said, that they could not release him, but had
committed his releasement to the judges, at the next assizes. This
he told me; and now I am come to you to see if any thing may be
done in this business, and you give neither releasement nor relief.
To which they gave her no answer, but made as if they heard her
not.
Chest. Only Justice Chester was often up with this,--He is
convicted, and it is recorded.
Wom. If it be, it is false, said she.
Chest. My lord, said Justice Chester, he is a pestilent fellow,
there is not such a fellow in the country again.
Twis. What, will your husband leave preaching? If he will do so,
then send for him.
Wom. My lord, said she, he dares not leave preaching as long as he
can speak.
Twis. See here, what should we talk any more about such a fellow?
Must he do what he lists? He is a breaker of the peace.
Wom. She told him again, that he desired to live peaceably, and to
follow his calling, that his family might be maintained; and
moreover, said, My Lord, I have four small children, that cannot
help themselves, one of which is blind, and have nothing to live
upon, but the charity of good people.
Hale. Hast thou four children? said Judge Hale; thou art but a
young woman to have four children.
Wom. My lord, said she, I am but mother-in-law to them, having not
been married to him yet full two years. Indeed, I was with child
when my husband was first apprehended; but being young, and
unaccustomed to such things, said she, I being smayed at the news,
fell into labour, and so continued for eight days, and then was
delivered, but my child died.
Hale. Whereat, he looking very soberly on the matter, said, Alas,
poor woman!
Twis. But Judge Twisdon told her, that she made poverty her cloak;
and said, moreover, that he understood I was maintained better by
running up and down a preaching, than by following my calling.
Hale. What is his calling? said Judge Hale.
Answer. Then some of the company that stood by, said, A tinker, my
lord.
Wom. Yes, said she; and because he is a tinker, and a poor man,
therefore he is despised, and cannot have justice.
Hale. Then Judge Hale answered very mildly, saying, I tell thee,
woman, seeing it is so, that they have taken what thy husband spake
for a conviction; thou must either apply thyself to the King, or
sue out his pardon, or get a writ of error.
Chest. But when Justice Chester heard him give her this counsel;
and especially (as she supposed) because he spoke of a writ of
error, he chafed, and seemed to be very much offended; saying, My
lord, he will preach and do what he lists.
Wom. He preacheth nothing but the Word of God, said she.
Twis. He preach the Word of God! said Twisdon; and withal, she
thought he would have struck her; he runneth up and down, and doth
harm.
Wom. No, my lord, said she, it is not so; God hath owned him, and
done much good by him.
Twis. God! said he, his doctrine is the doctrine of the devil.
Wom. My lord, said she, when the righteous Judge shall appear, it
will be known that his doctrine is not the doctrine of the devil.
Twis. My lord, said he, to Judge Hale, do not mind her, but send
her away.
Hale. Then said Judge Hale, I am sorry, woman, that I can do thee
no good; thou must do one of those three things aforesaid, namely,
either to apply thyself to the King, or sue out his pardon, or get
a writ of error; but a writ of error will be cheapest.
Wom. At which Chester again seemed to be in a chafe, and put off
his hat, and as she thought, scratched his head for anger: but
when I saw, said she, that there was no prevailing to have my
husband sent for, though I often desired them that they would send
for him, that he might speak for himself; telling them, that he
could give them better satisfaction than I could, in what they
demanded of him, with several other things, which now I forget;
only this I remember, that though I was somewhat timorous at my
first entrance into the chamber, yet before I went out, I could not
but break forth into tears, not so much because they were so hard-
hearted against me, and my husband, but to think what a sad account
such poor creatures will have to give at the coming of the Lord,
when they shall there answer for all things whatsoever they have
done in the body, whether it be good, or whether it be bad.
So, when I departed from them, the book of statutes was brought,
but what they said of it I know nothing at all, neither did I hear
any more from them.
Some Carriages of the Adversaries of God's Truth with me at the
next Assizes, which was on the 19th of the first month, 1662.
I shall pass by what befell between these two assizes, how I had,
by my jailor, some liberty granted me, more than at the first, and
how I followed my wonted course of preaching, taking all occasions
that were put into my hand to visit the people of God; exhorting
them to be steadfast in the faith of Jesus Christ, and to take heed
that they touched not the Common Prayer, etc., but to mind the Word
of God, which giveth direction to Christians in every point, being
able to make the man of God perfect in all things through faith in
Jesus Christ, and thoroughly to furnish him unto all good works. 2
Tim. iii. 17. Also how I having, I say, somewhat more liberty, did
go to see the Christians at London; which my enemies hearing of,
were so angry, that they had almost cast my jailor out of his
place, threatening to indict him, and to do what they could against
him. They charged me also, that I went thither to plot and raise
division, and make insurrection, which, God knows, was a slander;
whereupon my liberty was more straitened than it was before; so
that I must not now look out of the door. Well, when the next
sessions came, which was about the 10th of the 11th month (1661), I
did expect to have been very roundly dealt withal; but they passed
me by, and would not call me, so that I rested till the assizes,
which was held the 19th of the first month (1662) following; and
when they came, because I had a desire to come before the judge, I
desired my jailor to put my name into the calendar among the
felons, and made friends of the judge and high-sheriff, who
promised that I should be called: so that I thought what I had
done might have been effectual for the obtaining of my desire: but
all was in vain; for when the assizes came, though my name was in
the calendar, and also though both the judge and sheriff had
promised that I should appear before them, yet the justices and the
clerk of the peace, did so work it about, that I, notwithstanding,
was deferred, and was not suffered to appear: and although I say,
I do not know of all their carriages towards me, yet this I know,
that the clerk of the peace (Mr Cobb) did discover himself to be
one of my greatest opposers: for, first he came to my jailor and
told him that I must not go down before the judge, and therefore
must not be put into the calendar; to whom my jailor said, that my
name was in already. He bid him put it out again; my jailor told
him that he could not: for he had given the judge a calendar with
my name in it, and also the sheriff another. At which he was very
much displeased, and desired to see that calendar that was yet in
my jailor's hand, who, when he had given it him, he looked on it,
and said it was a false calendar; he also took the calendar and
blotted out my accusation, as my jailor had written it (which
accusation I cannot tell what it was, because it was so blotted
out), and he himself put in words to this purpose: That John
Bunyan was committed to prison; being lawfully convicted for
upholding of unlawful meetings and conventicles, etc. But yet for
all this, fearing that what he had done, unless he added thereto,
it would not do, he first ran to the clerk of the assizes; then to
the justices, and afterwards, because he would not leave any means
unattempted to hinder me, he came again to my jailor, and told him,
that if I did go down before the judge, and was released, he would
make him pay my fees, which he said was due to him; and further,
told him, that he would complain of him at the next quarter
sessions for making of false calendars, though my jailor himself,
as I afterwards learned, had put in my accusation worse than in
itself it was by far. And thus was I hindered and prevented at
that time also from appearing before the judge: and left in
prison.
Farewell.
JOHN BUNYAN.
A Continuation of Mr BUNYAN'S LIFE; beginning where he left off,
and concluding with the Time and Manner of his Death and Burial:
together with his true Character, etc.
Reader, the painful and industrious author of this book, has
already given you a faithful and very moving relation of the
beginning and middle of the days of his pilgrimage on earth; and
since there yet remains somewhat worthy of notice and regard, which
occurred in the last scene of his life, the which, for want of
time, or fear, some over-censorious people should impute it to him
as an earnest coveting of praise from men, he has not left behind
him in writing. Wherefore, as a true friend, and long acquaintance
of Mr Bunyan's that his good end may be known, as well as his evil
beginning, I have taken upon me, from my knowledge, and the best
account given by other of his friends, to piece this to the thread
too soon broke off, and so lengthen it out to his entering upon
eternity.
He has told you at large, of his birth and education; the evil
habits and corruptions of his youth; the temptations he struggled
and conflicted so frequently with, the mercies, comforts, and
deliverances he found, how he came to take upon him the preaching
of the Gospel; the slanders, reproaches and imprisonments that
attended him, and the progress he notwithstanding made (by the
assistance of God's grace) no doubt to the saving of many souls:
therefore take these things, as he himself hath methodically laid
them down in the words of verity; and so I pass on to what remains.
After his being freed from his twelve years' imprisonment and
upwards, for nonconformity, wherein he had time to furnish the
world with sundry good books, etc., and by his patience, to move Dr
Barlow, the then Bishop of Lincoln, and other church-men, to pity
his hard and unreasonable sufferings, so far as to stand very much
his friends, in procuring his enlargement, or there perhaps he had
died, by the noisomeness and ill usage of the place. Being now, I
say, again at liberty, and having through mercy shaken off his
bodily fetters,--for those upon his soul were broken before by the
abounding grace that filled his heart,--he went to visit those that
had been a comfort to him in his tribulation, with a Christian-like
acknowledgment of their kindness and enlargement of charity; giving
encouragement by his example, if it happened to be their hard haps
to fall into affliction or trouble, then to suffer patiently for
the sake of a good conscience, and for the love of God in Jesus
Christ towards their souls, and by many cordial persuasions,
supported some whose spirits began to sink low, through the fear of
danger that threatened their worldly concernment, so that the
people found a wonderful consolation in his discourse and
admonitions.
As often as opportunity would admit, he gathered them together
(though the law was then in force against meetings) in convenient
places, and fed them with the sincere milk of the Word, that they
might grow up in grace thereby. To such as were anywhere taken and
imprisoned upon these accounts, he made it another part of his
business to extend his charity, and gather relief for such of them
as wanted.
He took great care to visit the sick, and strengthen them against
the suggestions of the tempter, which at such times are very
prevalent; so that they had cause for ever to bless God, Who had
put it into his heart, at such a time, to rescue them from the
power of the roaring lion, who sought to devour them; nor did he
spare any pains or labour in travel, though to remote counties,
where he knew or imagined any people might stand in need of his
assistance; insomuch that some, by these visitations that he made,
which was two or three every year (some, though in a jeering manner
no doubt, gave him the epithet of Bishop Bunyan) whilst others
envied him for his so earnestly labouring in Christ's vineyard; yet
the seed of the Word he (all this while) sowed in the hearts of his
congregation, watered with the grace of God, brought forth in
abundance, in bringing in disciples to the church of Christ.
Another part of his time is spent in reconciling differences, by
which he hindered many mischiefs, and saved some families from
ruin, and in such fallings-out he was uneasy, till he found a means
to labour a reconciliation, and become a peace-maker, on whom a
blessing is promised in holy writ; and indeed in doing this good
office, he may be said to sum up his days, it being the last
undertaking of his life, as will appear in the close of this paper.
When in the late reign, liberty of conscience was unexpectedly
given and indulged to dissenters of all persuasions, his piercing
wit penetrated the veil, and found that it was not for the
dissenters' sakes they were so suddenly freed from the hard
prosecutions that had long lain heavy upon them, and set in a
manner, on an equal foot with the Church of England, which the
papists were undermining, and about to subvert: he foresaw all the
advantages that could have redounded to the dissenters would have
been no more than what Polyphemus, the monstrous giant of Sicily,
would have allowed Ulysses, viz.: That he would eat his men first,
and do him the favour of being eaten last: for although Mr Bunyan,
following the examples of others, did lay hold of this liberty, as
an acceptable thing in itself, knowing God is the only Lord of
conscience, and that it is good at all times to do according to the
dictates of a good conscience, and that the preaching the glad
tidings of the Gospel is beautiful in the preacher; yet in all this
he moved with caution and a holy fear, earnestly praying for the
averting impending judgments, which he saw, like a black tempest,
hanging over our heads for our sins, and ready to break in upon us,
and that the Ninevites' remedy was now highly necessary: hereupon
he gathered his congregation at Bedford, where he mostly lived, and
had lived and spent the greatest part of his life; and there being
no convenient place to be had for the entertainment of so great a
confluence of people as followed him upon the account of his
teaching, he consulted with them for the building of a meeting-
house, to which they made their voluntary contributions with all
cheerfulness and alacrity; and the first time he appeared there to
edify, the place was so thronged, that many was constrained to stay
without, though the house was very spacious, every one striving to
partake of his instructions, that were of his persuasion, and show
their good-will towards him, by being present at the opening of the
place; and here he lived in much peace and quiet of mind,
contenting himself with that little God had bestowed upon him, and
sequestering himself from all secular employments, to follow that
of his call to the ministry; for as God said to Moses, He that made
the lips and heart, can give eloquence and wisdom, without
extraordinary acquirements in an university.
During these things, there were regulators sent into all cities and
towns corporate, to new model the government in the magistracy,
etc., by turning out some, and putting in others: against this Mr
Bunyan expressed his zeal with some weariness, as foreseeing the
bad consequence that would attend it, and laboured with his
congregation to prevent their being imposed on in this kind; and
when a great man in those days, coming to Bedford upon some such
errand, sent for him, as 'tis supposed, to give him a place of
public trust, he would by no means come at him, but sent his
excuse.
When he was at leisure from writing and teaching, he often came up
to London, and there went among the congregations of the non-
conformists, and used his talent to the great good-liking of the
hearers; and even some to whom he had been mis-represented, upon
the account of his education, were convinced of his worth and
knowledge in sacred things, as perceiving him to be a man of round
judgment, delivering himself plainly and powerfully; insomuch that
many, who came mere spectators for novelty sake rather than to
edify and be improved, went away well satisfied with what they
heard, and wondered, as the Jews did at the Apostles, viz.: Whence
this man should have these things; perhaps not considering that God
more immediately assists those that make it their business
industriously and cheerfully to labour in His vineyard.
Thus he spent his latter years in imitation of his great Lord and
Master, the ever-blessed Jesus; he went about doing good, so that
the most prying critic, or even Malice herself, is defied to find,
even upon the narrowest search or observation, any sully or stain
upon his reputation, with which he may be justly charged; and this
we note, as a challenge to those that have the least regard for
him, or them of his persuasion, and have one way or other appeared
in the front of those that oppressed him; and for the turning whose
hearts, in obedience to the commission and commandment given him of
God, he frequently prayed, and sometimes sought a blessing for
them, even with tears, the effects of which, they may,
peradventure, though undeservedly, have found in their persons,
friends, relations, or estates; for God will hear the prayer of the
faithful, and answer them, even for them that vex them, as it
happened in the case of Job's praying for the three persons that
had been grievous in their reproach against him, even in the day of
his sorrow.
But yet let me come a little nearer to particulars and periods of
time, for the better refreshing the memories of those that knew his
labour and suffering, and for the satisfaction of all that shall
read this book.
After he was sensibly convicted of the wicked state of his life,
and converted, he was baptized into the congregation, and admitted
a member thereof, viz., in the year 1655, and became speedily a
very zealous professor; but upon the return of King Charles to the
crown in 1660, he was the 12th of November taken, as he was
edifying some good people that were got together to hear the word,
and confined in Bedford jail for the space of six years, till the
act of Indulgence to dissenters being allowed, he obtained his
freedom, by the intercession of some in trust and power, that took
pity on his sufferings; but within six years afterwards he was
again taken up, viz., in the year 1666, and was then confined for
six years more, when even the jailor took such pity of his rigorous
sufferings, that he did as the Egyptian jailor did to Joseph, put
all the care and trust in his hand: When he was taken this last
time, he was preaching on these words, viz.: Dost thou believe the
Son of God? And this imprisonment continued six years, and when
this was over, another short affliction, which was an imprisonment
of half a year, fell to his share. During these confinements he
wrote the following books, viz.: Of Prayer by the Spirit: The
Holy City's Resurrection: Grace Abounding: Pilgrim's Progress,
the first part.
In the last year of his twelve years' imprisonment, the pastor of
the congregation at Bedford died, and he was chosen to that care of
souls, on the 12th of December 1671. And in this his charge, he
often had disputes with scholars that came to oppose him, as
supposing him an ignorant person, and though he argued plainly, and
by Scripture, without phrases and logical expressions, yet he
nonplussed one who came to oppose him in his congregation, by
demanding, Whether or no we had the true copies of the original
Scriptures; and another, when he was preaching, accused him of
uncharitableness, for saying, It was very hard for most to be
saved; saying, by that he went about to exclude most of his
congregation; but he confuted him, and put him to silence with the
parable of the stony ground, and other texts out of the 13th
chapter of St Matthew, in our Saviour's sermon out of a ship; all
his methods being to keep close to the Scriptures, and what he
found not warranted there, himself would not warrant nor determine,
unless in such cases as were plain, wherein no doubts or scruples
did arise.
But not to make any further mention of this kind, it is well known
that this person managed all his affairs with such exactness, as if
he had made it his study, above all other things, not to give
occasion of offence, but rather suffer many inconveniences, to
avoid being never heard to reproach or revile any, what injury
soever he received, but rather to rebuke those that did; and as it
was in his conversation, so it is manifested in those books he has
caused to be published to the world; where like the archangel
disputing with Satan about the body of Moses, as we find it in the
epistle of St Jude, brings no railing accusation (but leaves the
rebukers, those that persecuted him) to the Lord.
In his family he kept up a very strict discipline in prayer and
exhortation; being in this like Joshua, as the good man expresses
it, viz., Whatsoever others did, as for me and my house, we will
serve the Lord: and indeed a blessing waited on his labours and
endeavours, so that his wife, as the Psalmist says, was like a
pleasant vine upon the walls of his house, and his children like
olive branches round his table; for so shall it be with the man
that fears the Lord, and though by reason of the many losses he
sustained by imprisonment and spoil, of his chargeable sickness,
etc., his earthly treasure swelled not to excess; he always had
sufficient to live decently and creditably, and with that he had
the greatest of all treasures, which is content; for as the wise
man says, That is a continual feast.
But where content dwells, even a poor cottage is a kingly palace,
and this happiness he had all his life long; not so much minding
this world, as knowing he was here as a pilgrim and stranger, and
had no tarrying city, but looked for one made with hands eternal in
the highest heavens: but at length was worn out with sufferings,
age, and often teaching, the day of his dissolution drew near, and
death, that unlocks the prison of the soul, to enlarge it for a
more glorious mansion, put a stop to his acting his part on the
stage of mortality; heaven, like earthly princes, when it threatens
war, being always so kind as to call home its ambassadors before it
be denounced, and even the last act or undertaking of his, was a
labour of love and charity; for it so falling out that a young
gentleman, a neighbour of Mr Bunyan's, happening into the
displeasure of his father, and being much troubled in mind upon
that account, and also for that he heard his father purposed to
disinherit him, or otherwise deprive him of what he had to leave;
he pitched upon Mr Bunyan as a fit man to make way for his
submission, and prepare his father's mind to receive him; and he,
as willing to do any good office, as it could be requested, as
readily undertook it; and so riding to Reading in Berkshire, he
then there used such pressing arguments and reasons against anger
and passion, as also for love and reconciliation, that the father
was mollified, and his bowels yearned to his returning son.
But Mr Bunyan, after he had disposed all things to the best for
accommodation, returning to London, and being overtaken with
excessive rains, coming to his lodgings extremely wet, fell sick of
a violent fever, which he bore with much constancy and patience,
and expressed himself as if he desired nothing more than to be
dissolved, and be with Christ, in that case esteeming death as
gain, and life only a tedious delaying felicity expected; and
finding his vital strength decay, having settled his mind and
affairs, as well as the shortness of time, and the violence of his
disease would permit, with a constant and christian patience, he
resigned his soul into the hands of his most merciful Redeemer,
following his pilgrim from the City of Destruction, to the New
Jerusalem; his better part having been all along there, in holy
contemplation, pantings and breathings after the hidden manna and
water of life, as by many holy and humble consolations expressed in
his letters to several persons in prison, and out of prison, too
many to be inserted at present. He died at the house of one Mr
Struddock, a grocer, at the Star on Snow Hill, in the parish of St
Sepulchre's, London, on the 12th of August 1688, and in the
sixtieth year of his age, after ten days' sickness; and was buried
in the new burying place near the Artillery Ground; where he sleeps
to the morning of the resurrection, in hopes of a glorious rising
to an incorruptible immortality of joy and happiness; where no more
trouble and sorrow shall afflict him, but all tears be wiped away;
when the just shall be incorporated as members of Christ their
head, and reign with Him as kings and priests for ever.
A brief Character of Mr JOHN BUNYAN
He appeared in countenance to be of a stern and rough temper, but
in his conversation mild and affable; not given to loquacity or
much discourse in company, unless some urgent occasion required it;
observing never to boast of himself or his parts, but rather seem
low in his own eyes, and submit himself to the judgment of others,
abhorring lying and swearing, being just in all that lay in his
power to his word, not seeming to revenge injuries, loving to
reconcile differences, and make friendship with all; he had a sharp
quick eye, accompanied with an excellent discerning of persons,
being of good judgment and quick wit. As for his person, he was
tall of stature, strong boned, though not corpulent, somewhat of a
ruddy face, with sparkling eyes, wearing his hair on his upper lip,
after the old British fashion; his hair reddish, but in his latter
days, time had sprinkled it with grey; his nose well set, but not
declining or bending, and his mouth moderate large; his forehead
somewhat high, and his habit always plain and modest. And thus
have we impartially described the internal and external parts of a
person, whose death hath been much regretted; a person who had
tried the smiles and frowns of time; not puffed up in prosperity,
nor shaken in adversity; always holding the golden mean.
In him at once did three great worthies shine,
Historian, poet, and a choice divine:
Then let him rest in undisturbed dust,
Until the resurrection of the just.
POSTSCRIPT
In this his pilgrimage, God blessed him with four children, one of
which, named Mary, was blind, and died some years before; his other
children were Thomas, Joseph, and Sarah; his wife Elizabeth having
lived to see him overcome his labour and sorrow, and pass from this
life to receive the reward of his work, long survived him not; but
in 1692 she died, to follow her faithful pilgrim from this world to
the other, whither he was gone before her; whilst his works, which
consist of sixty books, remain for the edifying of the reader, and
praise of the author.
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