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Title: The Surprising Adventures of Baron Munchausen
Author: Rudolph Erich Raspe
Release Date: April, 2002 [Etext #3154]
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Etext prepared by Emma Dudding, emma_302@hotmail.com
Dagny, dagnyj@hotmail.com
and John Bickers, jbickers@ihug.co.nz
THE SURPRISING ADVENTURES OF BARON MUNCHAUSEN
By Rudolph Erich Raspe
Published in 1895.
INTRODUCTION
It is a curious fact that of that class of literature to which
Munchausen belongs, that namely of /Voyages Imaginaires/, the three
great types should have all been created in England. Utopia, Robinson
Crusoe, and Gulliver, illustrating respectively the philosophical, the
edifying, and the satirical type of fictitious travel, were all
written in England, and at the end of the eighteenth century a fourth
type, the fantastically mendacious, was evolved in this country. Of
this type Munchausen was the modern original, and remains the
classical example. The adaptability of such a species of composition
to local and topical uses might well be considered prejudicial to its
chances of obtaining a permanent place in literature. Yet Munchausen
has undoubtedly achieved such a place. The Baron's notoriety is
universal, his character proverbial, and his name as familiar as that
of Mr. Lemuel Gulliver, or Robinson Crusoe, mariner, of York.
Condemned by the learned, like some other masterpieces, as worthless,
Munchausen's travels have obtained such a world-wide fame, that the
story of their origin possesses a general and historic interest apart
from whatever of obscurity or of curiosity it may have to recommend
it.
The work first appeared in London in the course of the year 1785. No
copy of the first edition appears to be accessible; it seems, however,
to have been issued some time in the autumn, and in the /Critical
Review/ for December 1785 there is the following notice: "Baron
Munchausen's Narrative of his Marvellous Travels and Campaigns in
Russia. Small 8vo, IS. (Smith). This is a satirical production
calculated to throw ridicule on the bold assertions of some
parliamentary declaimers. If rant may be best foiled at its own
weapons, the author's design is not ill-founded; for the marvellous
has never been carried to a more whimsical and ludicrous extent." The
reviewer had probably read the work through from one paper cover to
the other. It was in fact too short to bore the most blasé of his
kind, consisting of but forty-nine small octavo pages. The second
edition, which is in the British Museum, bears the following title;
"Baron Munchausen's Narrative of his Marvellous Travels and Campaigns
in Russia; humbly dedicated and recommended to country gentlemen, and
if they please to be repeated as their own after a hunt, at horse
races, in watering places, and other such polite assemblies; round the
bottle and fireside. Smith. Printed at Oxford. 1786." The fact that
this little pamphlet again consists of but forty-nine small octavo
pages, combined with the similarity of title (as far as that of the
first edition is given in the /Critical Review/), publisher, and
price, affords a strong presumption that it was identical with the
first edition. This edition contains only chapters ii., iii., iv., v.,
and vi. (pp. 10-44) of the present reprint. These chapters are the
best in the book and their substantial if peculiar merit can hardly be
denied, but the pamphlet appears to have met with little success, and
early in 1786 Smith seems to have sold the property to another
bookseller, Kearsley. Kearsley had it enlarged, but not, we are
expressly informed, in the preface to the seventh edition, by the hand
of the original author (who happened to be in Cornwall at the time).
He also had it illustrated and brought it out in the same year in book
form at the enhanced price of two shillings, under the title:
"Gulliver Reviv'd: The Singular Travels, Campaigns, Voyages and
Sporting Adventures of Baron Munnikhouson commonly pronounced
Munchausen; as he relates them over a bottle when surrounded by his
friends. A new edition considerably enlarged with views from the
Baron's drawings. London. 1786." A well-informed /Critical Reviewer/
would have amended the title thus: "Lucian reviv'd: or Gulliver Beat
with his own Bow."
Four editions now succeeded each other with rapidity and without
modification. A German translation appeared in 1786 with the imprint
London: it was, however, in reality printed by Dieterich at Göttingen.
It was a free rendering of the fifth edition, the preface being a
clumsy combination of that prefixed to the original edition with that
which Kearsley had added to the third.
The fifth edition (which is, with the exception of trifling
differences on the title-page, identical with the third, fourth, and
sixth) is also that which has been followed in the present reprint
down to the conclusion of chapter twenty, where it ends with the words
"the great quadrangle." The supplement treating of Munchausen's
extraordinary flight on the back of an eagle over France to Gibraltar,
South and North America, the Polar Regions, and back to England is
derived from the seventh edition of 1793, which has a new sub-title:--
"Gulliver reviv'd, or the Vice of Lying properly exposed." The preface
to this enlarged edition also informs the reader that the last four
editions had met with extraordinary success, and that the
supplementary chapters, all, that is, with the exception of chapters
ii., iii., iv., v., and vi., which are ascribed to Baron Munchausen
himself, were the production of another pen, written, however, in the
Baron's manner. To the same ingenious person the public was indebted
for the engravings with which the book was embellished. The seventh
was the last edition by which the classic text of Munchausen was
seriously modified. Even before this important consummation had been
arrived at, a sequel, which was within a fraction as long as the
original work (it occupies pp. 163-299 of this volume), had appeared
under the title, "A Sequel to the Adventures of Baron Munchausen.
. . . Humbly dedicated to Mr. Bruce the Abyssinian traveller, as the
Baron conceives that it may be some service to him, previous to his
making another journey into Abyssinia. But if this advice does not
delight Mr. Bruce, the Baron is willing to fight him on any terms he
pleases." This work was issued separately. London, 1792, 8vo.
Such is the history of the book during the first eight or constructive
years of its existence, beyond which it is necessary to trace it,
until at least we have touched upon the long-vexed question of its
authorship.
Munchausen's travels have in fact been ascribed to as many different
hands as those of Odysseus. But (as in most other respects) it differs
from the more ancient fabulous narrative in that its authorship has
been the subject of but little controversy. Many people have
entertained erroneous notions as to its authorship, which they have
circulated with complete assurance; but they have not felt it
incumbent upon them to support their own views or to combat those of
other people. It has, moreover, been frequently stated with equal
confidence and inaccuracy that the authorship has never been settled.
An early and persistent version of the genesis of the travels was that
they took their origin from the rivalry in fabulous tales of three
accomplished students at Göttingen University, Bürger, Kästner, and
Lichtenberg; another ran that Gottfried August Bürger, the German poet
and author of "Lenore," had at a later stage of his career met Baron
Munchausen in Pyrmont and taken down the stories from his own lips.
Percy in his anecdotes attributes the Travels to a certain Mr. M.
(Munchausen also began with an M.) who was imprisoned at Paris during
the Reign of Terror. Southey in his "Omniana" conjectured, from the
coincidences between two of the tales and two in a Portuguese
periodical published in 1730, that the English fictions must have been
derived from the Portuguese. William West the bookseller and numerous
followers have stated that Munchausen owed its first origin to Bruce's
Travels, and was written for the purpose of burlesquing that unfairly
treated work. Pierer boldly stated that it was a successful anonymous
satire upon the English government of the day, while Meusel with equal
temerity affirmed in his "Lexikon" that the book was a translation of
the "well-known Munchausen lies" executed from a (non-existent) German
original by Rudolph Erich Raspe. A writer in the /Gentleman's
Magazine/ for 1856 calls the book the joint production of Bürger and
Raspe.
Of all the conjectures, of which these are but a selection, the most
accurate from a German point of view is that the book was the work of
Bürger, who was the first to dress the Travels in a German garb, and
was for a long time almost universally credited with the sole
proprietorship. Bürger himself appears neither to have claimed nor
disclaimed the distinction. There is, however, no doubt whatever that
the book first appeared in English in 1785, and that Bürger's German
version did not see the light until 1786. The first German edition
(though in reality printed at Göttingen) bore the imprint London, and
was stated to be derived from an English source; but this was,
reasonably enough, held to be merely a measure of precaution in case
the actual Baron Munchausen (who was a well-known personage in
Göttingen) should be stupid enough to feel aggrieved at being made the
butt of a gross caricature. In this way the discrepancy of dates
mentioned above might easily have been obscured, and Bürger might
still have been credited with a work which has proved a better
protection against oblivion than "Lenore," had it not been for the
officious sensitiveness of his self-appointed biographer, Karl von
Reinhard. Reinhard, in an answer to an attack made upon his hero for
bringing out Munchausen as a pot-boiler in German and English
simultaneously, definitely stated in the /Berlin Gesellschafters/ of
November 1824, that the real author of the original work was that
disreputable genius, Rudolph Erich Raspe, and that the German work was
merely a free translation made by Bürger from the fifth edition of the
English work. Bürger, he stated, was well aware of, but was too high-
minded to disclose the real authorship.
Taking Reinhard's solemn asseveration in conjunction with the
ascertained facts of Raspe's career, his undoubted acquaintance with
the Baron Munchausen of real life and the first appearance of the work
in 1785, when Raspe was certainly in England, there seems to be little
difficulty in accepting his authorship as a positive fact. There is no
difficulty whatever, in crediting Raspe with a sufficient mastery of
English idiom to have written the book without assistance, for as
early as January 1780 (since which date Raspe had resided
uninterruptedly in this country) Walpole wrote to his friend Mason
that "Raspe writes English much above ill and speaks it as readily as
French," and shortly afterwards he remarked that he wrote English
"surprisingly well." In the next year, 1781, Raspe's absolute command
of the two languages encouraged him to publish two moderately good
prose-translations, one of Lessing's "Nathan the Wise," and the other
of Zachariae's Mock-heroic, "Tabby in Elysium." The erratic character
of the punctuation may be said, with perfect impartiality, to be the
only distinguishing feature of the style of the original edition of
"Munchausen."
Curious as is this long history of literary misappropriation, the
chequered career of the rightful author, Rudolph Erich Raspe, offers a
chapter in biography which has quite as many points of singularity.
Born in Hanover in 1737, Raspe studied at the Universities of
Göttingen and Leipsic. He is stated also to have rendered some
assistance to a young nobleman in sowing his wild oats, a sequel to
his university course which may possibly help to explain his
subsequent aberrations. The connection cannot have lasted long, as in
1762, having already obtained reputation as a student of natural
history and antiquities, he obtained a post as one of the clerks in
the University Library at Hanover.
No later than the following year contributions written in elegant
Latin are to be found attached to his name in the Leipsic /Nova Acta
Eruditorum/. In 1764 he alluded gracefully to the connection between
Hanover and England in a piece upon the birthday of Queen Charlotte,
and having been promoted secretary of the University Library at
Göttingen, the young savant commenced a translation of Leibniz's
philosophical works which was issued in Latin and French after the
original MSS. in the Royal Library at Hanover, with a preface by
Raspe's old college friend Kästner (Göttingen, 1765). At once a
courtier, an antiquary, and a philosopher, Raspe next sought to
display his vocation for polite letters, by publishing an ambitious
allegorical poem of the age of chivalry, entitled "Hermin and
Gunilde," which was not only exceedingly well reviewed, but received
the honour of a parody entitled "Harlequin and Columbine." He also
wrote translations of several of the poems of Ossian, and a
disquisition upon their genuineness; and then with better inspiration
he wrote a considerable treatise on "Percy's Reliques of Ancient
Poetry," with metrical translations, being thus the first to call the
attention of Germany to these admirable poems, which were afterwards
so successfully ransacked by Bürger, Herder, and other early German
romanticists.
In 1767 Raspe was again advanced by being appointed Professor at the
Collegium Carolinum in Cassel, and keeper of the landgrave of Hesse's
rich and curious collection of antique gems and medals. He was shortly
afterwards appointed Librarian in the same city, and in 1771 he
married. He continued writing on natural history, mineralogy, and
archæology, and in 1769 a paper in the 59th volume of the
Philosophical Transactions, on the bones and teeth of elephants and
other animals found in North America and various boreal regions of the
world, procured his election as an honorary member of the Royal
Society of London. His conclusion in this paper that large elephants
or mammoths must have previously existed in boreal regions has, of
course, been abundantly justified by later investigations. When it is
added that Raspe during this part of his life also wrote papers on
lithography and upon musical instruments, and translated Algarotti's
Treatise on "Architecture, Painting, and Opera Music," enough will
have been said to make manifest his very remarkable and somewhat
prolix versatility. In 1773 he made a tour in Westphalia in quest of
MSS., and on his return, by way of completing his education, he turned
journalist, and commenced a periodical called the /Cassel Spectator/,
with Mauvillon as his co-editor. In 1775 he was travelling in Italy on
a commission to collect articles of vertu for the landgrave, and it
was apparently soon after his return that he began appropriating to
his own use valuable coins abstracted from the cabinets entrusted to
his care. He had no difficulty in finding a market for the antiques
which he wished to dispose of, and which, it has been charitably
suggested, he had every intention of replacing whenever opportunity
should serve. His consequent procedure was, it is true, scarcely that
of a hardened criminal. Having obtained the permission of the
landgrave to visit Berlin, he sent the keys of his cabinet back to the
authorities at Cassel--and disappeared. His thefts, to the amount of
two thousand rixdollars, were promptly discovered, and advertisements
were issued for the arrest of the Councillor Raspe, described without
suspicion of flattery as a long-faced man, with small eyes, crooked
nose, red hair under a stumpy periwig, and a jerky gait. The
necessities that prompted him to commit a felony are possibly
indicated by the addition that he usually appeared in a scarlet dress
embroidered with gold, but sometimes in black, blue, or grey clothes.
He was seized when he had got no farther than Klausthal, in the Hartz
mountains, but he lost no time in escaping from the clutches of the
police, and made his way to England. He never again set foot on the
continent.
He was already an excellent English scholar, so that when he reached
London it was not unnatural that he should look to authorship for
support. Without loss of time, he published in London in 1776 a volume
on some German Volcanoes and their productions; in 1777 he translated
the then highly esteemed mineralogical travels of Ferber in Italy and
Hungary. In 1780 we have an interesting account of him from Horace
Walpole, who wrote to his friend, the Rev. William Mason: "There is a
Dutch sçavant come over who is author of several pieces so learned
that I do not even know their titles: but he has made a discovery in
my way which you may be sure I believe, for it proves what I expected
and hinted in my 'Anecdotes of Painting,' that the use of oil colours
was known long before Van Eyck." Raspe, he went on to say, had
discovered a MS. of Theophilus, a German monk in the fourth century,
who gave receipts for preparing the colours, and had thereby convicted
Vasari of error. "Raspe is poor, and I shall try and get subscriptions
to enable him to print his work, which is sensible, clear, and
unpretending." Three months later it was, "Poor Raspe is arrested by
his /tailor/. I have sent him a little money, and he hopes to recover
his liberty, but I question whether he will be able to struggle on
here." His "Essay on the Origin of Oil Painting" was actually
published through Walpole's good service in April 1781. He seems to
have had plans of going to America and of excavating antiquities in
Egypt, where he might have done good service, but the bad name that he
had earned dogged him to London. The Royal Society struck him off its
rolls, and in revenge he is said to have threatened to publish a
travesty of their transactions. He was doubtless often hard put to it
for a living, but the variety of his attainments served him in good
stead. He possessed or gained some reputation as a mining expert, and
making his way down into Cornwall, he seems for some years subsequent
to 1782 to have been assay-master and storekeeper of some mines at
Dolcoath. While still at Dolcoath, it is very probable that he put
together the little pamphlet which appeared in London at the close of
1785, with the title "Baron Munchausen's Narrative of his Marvellous
Travels and Campaigns in Russia," and having given his /jeu d'esprit/
to the world, and possibly earned a few guineas by it, it is not
likely that he gave much further thought to the matter. In the course
of 1785 or 1786, he entered upon a task of much greater magnitude and
immediate importance, namely, a descriptive catalogue of the
Collection of Pastes and Impressions from Ancient and Modern Gems,
formed by James Tassie, the eminent connoisseur. Tassie engaged Raspe
in 1785 to take charge of his cabinets, and to commence describing
their contents: he can hardly have been ignorant of his employé's
delinquencies in the past, but he probably estimated that mere casts
of gems would not offer sufficient temptation to a man of Raspe's
eclectic tastes to make the experiment a dangerous one. Early in 1786,
Raspe produced a brief but well-executed conspectus of the arrangement
and classification of the collection, and this was followed in 1791 by
"A Descriptive Catalogue," in which over fifteen thousand casts of
ancient and modern engraved gems, cameos, and intaglios from the most
renowned cabinets in Europe were enumerated and described in French
and English. The two quarto volumes are a monument of patient and
highly skilled industry, and they still fetch high prices. The
elaborate introduction prefixed to the work was dated from Edinburgh,
April 16, 1790.
This laborious task completed, Raspe lost no time in applying himself
with renewed energy to mineralogical work. It was announced in the
/Scots Magazine/ for October 1791 that he had discovered in the
extreme north of Scotland, where he had been invited to search for
minerals, copper, lead, iron, manganese, and other valuable products
of a similar character. From Sutherland he brought specimens of the
finest clay, and reported a fine vein of heavy spar and "every symptom
of coal." But in Caithness lay the loadstone which had brought Raspe
to Scotland. This was no other than Sir John Sinclair of Ulbster, a
benevolent gentleman of an ingenious and inquiring disposition, who
was anxious to exploit the supposed mineral wealth of his barren
Scottish possessions. With him Raspe took up his abode for a
considerable time at his spray-beaten castle on the Pentland Firth,
and there is a tradition, among members of the family, of Sir John's
unfailing appreciation of the wide intelligence and facetious humour
of Raspe's conversation. Sinclair had some years previously discovered
a small vein of yellow mundick on the moor of Skinnet, four miles from
Thurso. The Cornish miners he consulted told him that the mundick was
itself of no value, but a good sign of the proximity of other valuable
minerals. Mundick, said they, was a good horseman, and always rode on
a good load. He now employed Raspe to examine the ground, not
designing to mine it himself, but to let it out to other capitalists
in return for a royalty, should the investigation justify his hopes.
The necessary funds were put at Raspe's disposal, and masses of
bright, heavy material were brought to Thurso Castle as a foretaste of
what was coming. But when the time came for the fruition of this
golden promise, Raspe disappeared, and subsequent inquiries revealed
the deplorable fact that these opulent ores had been carefully
imported by the mining expert from Cornwall, and planted in the places
where they were found. Sir Walter Scott must have had the incident
(though not Raspe) in his mind when he created the Dousterswivel of
his "Antiquary." As for Raspe, he betook himself to a remote part of
the United Kingdom, and had commenced some mining operations in
country Donegal, when he was carried off by scarlet fever at Muckross
in 1794. Such in brief outline was the career of Rudolph Erich Raspe,
scholar, swindler, and undoubted creator of Baron Munchausen.
The merit of Munchausen, as the adult reader will readily perceive,
does not reside in its literary style, for Raspe is no exception to
the rule that a man never has a style worthy of the name in a language
that he did not prattle in. But it is equally obvious that the real
and original Munchausen, as Raspe conceived and doubtless intended at
one time to develop him, was a delightful personage whom it would be
the height of absurdity to designate a mere liar. Unfortunately the
task was taken out of his hand and a good character spoiled, like many
another, by mere sequel-mongers. Raspe was an impudent scoundrel, and
fortunately so; his impudence relieves us of any difficulty in
resolving the question,--to whom (if any one) did he owe the original
conception of the character whose fame is now so universal.
When Raspe was resident in Göttingen he obtained, in all probability
through Gerlach Adolph von Munchausen, the great patron of arts and
letters and of Göttingen University, an introduction to Hieronynimus
Karl Friedrich von Munchausen, at whose hospitable mansion at
Bodenwerder he became an occasional visitor. Hieronynimus, who was
born at Bodenwerder on May 11, 1720, was a cadet of what was known as
the black line of the house of Rinteln Bodenwerder, and in his youth
served as a page in the service of Prince Anton Ulrich of Brunswick.
When quite a stripling he obtained a cornetcy in the "Brunswick
Regiment" in the Russian service, and on November 27, 1740, he was
created a lieutenant by letters patent of the Empress Anna, and served
two arduous campaigns against the Turks during the following years. In
1750 he was promoted to be a captain of cuirassiers by the Empress
Elizabeth, and about 1760 he retired from the Russian service to live
upon his patrimonial estate at Bodenwerder in the congenial society of
his wife and his paragon among huntsmen, Rösemeyer, for whose
particular benefit he maintained a fine pack of hounds. He kept open
house, and loved to divert his guests with stories, not in the
braggart vein of Dugald Dalgetty, but so embellished with palpably
extravagant lies as to crack with a humour that was all their own. The
manner has been appropriated by Artemus Ward and Mark Twain, but it
was invented by Munchausen. Now the stories mainly relate to sporting
adventures, and it has been asserted by one contemporary of the baron
that Munchausen contracted the habit of drawing such a long-bow as a
measure of self-defence against his invaluable but loquacious
henchman, the worthy Rösemeyer. But it is more probable, as is hinted
in the first preface, that Munchausen, being a shrewd man, found the
practice a sovereign specific against bores and all other kinds of
serious or irrelevant people, while it naturally endeared him to the
friends of whom he had no small number.
He told his stories with imperturbable /sang froid/, in a dry manner,
and with perfect naturalness and simplicity. He spoke as a man of the
world, without circumlocution; his adventures were numerous and
perhaps singular, but only such as might have been expected to happen
to a man of so much experience. A smile never traversed his face as he
related the least credible of his tales, which the less intimate of
his acquaintance began in time to think he meant to be taken
seriously. In short, so strangely entertaining were both manner and
matter of his narratives, that "Munchausen's Stories" became a by-word
among a host of appreciative acquaintance. Among these was Raspe, who
years afterwards, when he was starving in London, bethought himself of
the incomparable baron. He half remembered some of his sporting
stories, and supplemented these by gleanings from his own commonplace
book. The result is a curious medley, which testifies clearly to
learning and wit, and also to the turning over of musty old books of
/facetiæ/ written in execrable Latin.
The story of the Baron's horse being cut in two by the descending
portcullis of a besieged town, and the horseman's innocence of the
fact until, upon reaching a fountain in the midst of the city, the
insatiate thirst of the animal betrayed his deficiency in hind
quarters, was probably derived by Raspe from the /Facetiæ
Bebelianæ/ of Heinrich Bebel, first published at Strassburgh in
1508.
There it is given as follows: "De Insigni Mendacio. Faber
clavicularius quem superius fabrum mendaciorum dixi, narravit se
tempore belli, credens suos se subsecuturos equitando ad cujusdam
oppidi portas penetrasse: et cum ad portas venisset cataractam
turre demissam, equum suum post ephippium discidisse,
dimidiatumque reliquisse, atque se media parte equi ad forum usque
oppidi equitasse, et caedem non modicam peregisse. Sed cum
retrocedere vellet multitudine hostium obrutus, tum demum equum
cecidisse seque captum fuisse."
The drinking at the fountain was probably an embellishment of
Raspe's own. Many of Bebel's jests were repeated in J. P. Lange's
/Deliciœ Academicœ/ (Heilbronn, 1665), a section of which was
expressly devoted to "Mendacia Ridicula"; but the yarn itself is
probably much older than either. Similarly, the quaint legend of
the thawing of the horn was told by Castiglione in his
/Cortegiano/, first published in 1528. This is how Castiglione
tells it: A merchant of Lucca had travelled to Poland in order to
buy furs; but as there was at that time a war with Muscovy, from
which country the furs were procured, the Lucchese merchant was
directed to the confines of the two countries. On reaching the
Borysthenes, which divided Poland and Muscovy, he found that the
Muscovite traders remained on their own side of the river from
distrust, on account of the state of hostilities. The Muscovites,
desirous of being heard across the river announced the prices of
their furs in a loud voice; but the cold was so intense that their
words were frozen in the air before they could reach the opposite
side. Hereupon the Poles lighted a fire in the middle of the
river, which was frozen into a solid mass; and in the course of an
hour the words which had been frozen up were melted, and fell
gently upon the further bank, although the Muscovite traders had
already gone away. The prices demanded were, however, so high that
the Lucchese merchant returned without making any purchase. A
similar idea is utilised by Rabelais in /Pantagruel/, and by
Steele in one of his /Tatlers/. The story of the cherry tree
growing out of the stag's head, again, is given in Lange's book,
and the fact that all three tales are of great antiquity is proved
by the appearance of counterparts to them in Lady Guest's edition
of the /Mabinogion/. A great number of /nugœ canorœ/ of a
perfectly similar type are narrated in the sixteenth century
"Travels of the Finkenritter" attributed to Lorenz von Lauterbach.
To humorous waifs of this description, without fixed origin or
birthplace, did Raspe give a classical setting amongst embroidered
versions of the baron's sporting jokes. The unscrupulous manner in
which he affixed Munchausen's own name to the completed /jeu d'esprit/
is, ethically speaking, the least pardonable of his crimes; for when
Raspe's little book was first transformed and enlarged, and then
translated into German, the genial old baron found himself the victim
of an unmerciful caricature, and without a rag of concealment. It is
consequently not surprising to hear that he became soured and reticent
before his death at Bodenwerder in 1797.
Strangers had already begun to come down to the place in the hope of
getting a glimpse of the eccentric nobleman, and foolish stories were
told of his thundering out his lies with apoplectic visage, his eyes
starting out of his head, and perspiration beading his forehead. The
fountain of his reminiscences was in reality quite dried up, and it
must be admitted that this excellent old man had only too good reason
to consider himself an injured person.
In this way, then, came to be written the first delightful chapters of
Baron Munchausen's "Narrative of his Travels and Campaigns in Russia."
It was not primarily intended as a satire, nor was it specially
designed to take of the extravagant flights of contemporary
travellers. It was rather a literary frivolity, thrown off at one
effort by a tatterdemalion genius in sore need of a few guineas.
The remainder of the book is a melancholy example of the fallacy of
enlargements and of sequels. Neither Raspe nor the baron can be
seriously held responsible for a single word of it. It must have been
written by a bookseller's hack, whom it is now quite impossible to
identify, but who was evidently of native origin; and the book is a
characteristically English product, full of personal and political
satire, with just a twang of edification. The first continuation
(chapters one and seven, to twenty, inclusive), which was supplied
with the third edition, is merely a modern /rechauffé/, with "up to
date" allusions, of Lucian's /Vera Historia/. Prototypes of the
majority of the stories may either be found in Lucian or in the twenty
volumes of /Voyages Imaginaires/, published at Paris in 1787. In case,
however, any reader should be sceptical as to the accuracy of this
statement he will have no very great difficulty in supposing, as Dr.
Johnson supposed of Ossian, that anybody could write a great amount of
such stuff if he would only consent to abandon his mind to the task.
With the supplementary chapters commence topical allusions to the
recently issued memoirs of Baron de Tott, an enterprising Frenchman
who had served the Great Turk against the Russians in the Crimea (an
English translation of his book had appeared in 1785). The satire upon
this gallant soldier's veracity appears to be quite undeserved, though
one can hardly read portions of his adventures without being forcibly
reminded of the Baron's laconic style. It is needless to add that the
amazing account of De Tott's origin is grossly libellous. The amount
of public interest excited by the æronautical exploits of Montgolfier
and Blanchard was also playfully satirised. Their first imitator in
England, Vincenzo Lunardi, had made a successful ascent from
Moorfields as recently as 1784, while in the following year Blanchard
crossed the channel in a balloon and earned the sobriquet /Don Quixote
de la Manche/. His grotesque appropriation of the motto "/Sic itur ad
astra/" made him, at least, a fit object for Munchausen's gibes. In
the Baron's visit to Gibraltar we have evidence that the anonymous
writer, in common with the rest of the reading public, had been
studying John Drinkwater's "History of the Siege of Gibraltar"
(completed in 1783), which had with extreme rapidity established its
reputation as a military classic. Similarly, in the Polar adventures,
the "Voyage towards the North Pole," 1774, of Constantine John Phipps,
afterwards Lord Mulgrave, is gently ridiculed, and so also some
incidents from Patrick Brydone's "Tour through Sicily and Malta"
(1773), are, for no obvious reason, contemptuously dragged in. The
exploitation of absurd and libellous chap-book lives of Pope Clement
XIV., the famous Ganganelli, can only be described as a low bid for
vulgar applause. A French translation of Baron Friedrich von Trenck's
celebrated Memoirs appeared at Metz in 1787, and it would certainly
seem that in overlooking them the compiler of Munchausen was guilty of
a grave omission. He may, however, have regarded Trenck's adventures
less as material for ridicule than as a series of /hâbleries/ which
threatened to rival his own.
The Seventh Edition, published in 1793, with the supplement (pp. 142-
161), was, with the abominable proclivity to edification which marked
the publisher of the period (that of "Goody Two-Shoes" and "Sandford
and Merton"), styled "Gulliver Reviv'd: /or the Vice of Lying Properly
Exposed/." The previous year had witnessed the first appearance of the
sequel, of which the full title has already been given, "with twenty
capital copperplates, including the baron's portrait." The merit of
Munchausen as a mouthpiece for ridiculing traveller's tall-talk, or
indeed anything that shocked the incredulity of the age, was by this
time widely recognised. And hence with some little ingenuity the
popular character was pressed into the service of the vulgar clamour
against James Bruce, whose "Travels to Discover the Sources of the
Nile" had appeared in 1790. In particular Bruce's description of the
Abyssinian custom of feeding upon "live bulls and kava" provoked a
chorus of incredulity. The traveller was ridiculed upon the stage as
Macfable, and in a cloud of ephemeral productions; nor is the
following allusion in Peter Pindar obscure:--
"Nor have I been where men (what loss alas!)
Kill half a cow, then send the rest to grass."
The way in which Bruce resented the popular scepticism is illustrated
by the following anecdote told by Sir Francis Head, his biographer. A
gentleman once observed, at a country house where Bruce was staying,
that it was not possible that the natives of Abyssinia could eat raw
meat! "Bruce said not a word, but leaving the room, shortly returned
from the kitchen with a piece of raw beef-steak, peppered and salted
in the Abyssinian fashion. 'You will eat that, sir, or fight me,' he
said. When the gentleman had eaten up the raw flesh (most willingly
would he have eaten his words instead), Bruce calmly observed, 'Now,
sir, you will never again say it is /impossible/.'" In reality, Bruce
seems to have been treated with much the same injustice as Herodotus.
The truth of the bulk of his narrative has been fully established,
although a passion for the picturesque may certainly have led him to
embellish many of the minor particulars. And it must be remembered,
that his book was not dictated until twelve years after the events
narrated.
Apart from Bruce, however, the sequel, like the previous continuation,
contains a great variety of political, literary, and other allusions
of the most purely topical character--Dr. Johnson's Tour in the
Hebrides, Mr. Pitt, Burke's famous pamphlet upon the French
Revolution, Captain Cook, Tippoo Sahib (who had been brought to bay by
Lord Cornwallis between 1790 and 1792). The revolutionary pandemonium
in Paris, and the royal flight to Varennes in June 1791, and the loss
of the "Royal George" in 1782, all form the subjects of quizzical
comments, and there are many other allusions the interest of which is
quite as ephemeral as those of a Drury Lane pantomime or a Gaiety
Burlesque.
Nevertheless the accretions have proved powerless to spoil
"Munchausen." The nucleus supplied by Raspe was instinct with so much
energy that it has succeeded in vitalising the whole mass of
extraneous extravagance.
Although, like "Gulliver's Travels," "Munchausen" might at first sight
appear to be ill-suited, in more than one respect, for the nursery,
yet it has proved the delight of children of all ages; and there are
probably few, in the background of whose childish imagination the
astonishing Munchausen has not at one time or another, together with
Robinson Crusoe, Jack-the-Giant-Killer, and the Pied Piper of Hamelyn,
assumed proportions at once gigantic and seductively picturesque.
The work, as has been shown, assumed its final form before the close
of the eighteenth century; with the nineteenth it commenced its
triumphant progress over the civilised world. Some of the subsequent
transformations and migrations of the book are worthy of brief record.
A voluminous German continuation was published at Stendhal in three
volumes between 1794 and 1800. There was also a continuation
comprising exploits at Walcheren, the Dardanelles, Talavera, Cintra,
and elsewhere, published in London in 1811. An elaborate French
translation, with embellishments in the French manner, appeared at
Paris in 1862. Immerman's celebrated novel entitled "Munchausen" was
published in four volumes at Dusseldorf in 1841, and a very free
rendering of the Baron's exploits, styled "Munchausen's
Lugenabenteuer," at Leipsic in 1846. The work has also been translated
into Dutch, Danish, Magyar (/Bard de Mánx/), Russian, Portuguese,
Spanish (/El Conde de las Maravillas/), and many other tongues, and an
estimate that over one hundred editions have appeared in England,
Germany, and America alone, is probably rather under than above the
mark.
The book has, moreover, at the same time provided illustrations to
writers and orators, and the richest and most ample material for
illustrations to artists. The original rough woodcuts are anonymous,
but the possibilities of the work were discovered as early as 1809, by
Thomas Rowlandson, who illustrated the edition published in that year.
The edition of 1859 owed embellishments to Crowquill, while Cruikshank
supplied some characteristic woodcuts to that of 1869. Coloured
designs for the travels were executed by a French artist Richard in
1878, and illustrations were undertaken independently for the German
editions by Riepenhausen and Hosemann respectively. The German artist
Adolph Schrödter has also painted a celebrated picture representing
the Baron surrounded by his listeners. But of all the illustrations
yet invented, the general verdict has hitherto declared in favour of
those supplied to Théophile Gautier's French edition of 1862 by
Gustave Doré, who fully maintained by them the reputation he had
gained for work of a similar /genre/ in his drawings for Balzac's
/Contes Drôlatiques/. When, however, the public has had an opportunity
of appreciating the admirably fantastic drawings made by Mr. William
Strang and Mr. J. B. Clark for the present edition, they will probably
admit that Baron Munchausen's indebtedness to his illustrations,
already very great, has been more than doubled.
PREFACE
TO
THE FIRST EDITION
Baron Munnikhouson or Munchausen, of Bodenweder, near Hamelyn on the
Weser, belongs to the noble family of that name, which gave to the
King's German dominions the late prime minister and several other
public characters equally bright and illustrious. He is a man of great
original humour; and having found that prejudiced minds cannot be
reasoned into common sense, and that bold assertors are very apt to
bully and speak their audience out of it, he never argues with either
of them, but adroitly turns the conversation upon indifferent topics
and then tells a story of his travels, campaigns, and sporting
adventures, in a manner peculiar to himself, and well calculated to
awaken and shame the common sense of those who have lost sight of it
by prejudice or habit.
As this method has been often attended with good success, we beg leave
to lay some of his stories before the public, and humbly request those
who shall find them rather extravagant and bordering upon the
marvellous, which will require but a very moderate share of common
sense, to exercise the same upon every occurrence of life, and chiefly
upon our English politics, in which /old habits/ and /bold
assertions/, set off by eloquent speeches and supported by
constitutional mobs, associations, volunteers, and foreign influence,
have of late, we apprehend, but too successfully turned our brains,
and made us the laughing-stock of Europe, and of France and Holland in
particular.
TO THE PUBLIC
Having heard, for the first time, that my adventures have been
doubted, and looked upon as jokes, I feel bound to come forward and
vindicate my character /for veracity/, by paying three shillings at
the Mansion House of this great city for the affidavits hereto
appended.
This I have been forced into in regard of my own honour, although I
have retired for many years from public and private life; and I hope
that this, my last edition, will place me in a proper light with my
readers.
AT THE CITY OF LONDON, ENGLAND.
/We/, the undersigned, as true believers in the /profit/, do most
solemnly affirm, that all the adventures of our friend Baron
Munchausen, in whatever country they may /lie/, are positive and
simple facts. /And/, as we have been believed, whose adventures
are tenfold more wonderful, /so/ do we hope all true believers
will give him their full faith and credence.
GULLIVER. x
SINBAD. x
ALADDIN. x
/Sworn at the Mansion House
9th Nov. last, in the absence
of the Lord Mayor./
JOHN (/the Porter/).
TRAVELS OF
BARON MUNCHAUSEN
CHAPTER I
[THE BARON IS SUPPOSED TO RELATE THESE ADVENTURES TO HIS FRIENDS
OVER A BOTTLE.]
/The Baron relates an account of his first travels--The
astonishing effects of a storm--Arrives at Ceylon; combats and
conquers two extraordinary opponents--Returns to Holland./
Some years before my beard announced approaching manhood, or, in other
words, when I was neither man nor boy, but between both, I expressed
in repeated conversations a strong desire of seeing the world, from
which I was discouraged by my parents, though my father had been no
inconsiderable traveller himself, as will appear before I have reached
the end of my singular, and, I may add, interesting adventures. A
cousin, by my mother's side, took a liking to me, often said I was
fine forward youth, and was much inclined to gratify my curiosity. His
eloquence had more effect than mine, for my father consented to my
accompanying him in a voyage to the island of Ceylon, where his uncle
had resided as governor many years.
We sailed from Amsterdam with despatches from their High Mightinesses
the States of Holland. The only circumstance which happened on our
voyage worth relating was the wonderful effects of a storm, which had
torn up by the roots a great number of trees of enormous bulk and
height, in an island where we lay at anchor to take in wood and water;
some of these trees weighed many tons, yet they were carried by the
wind so amazingly high, that they appeared like the feathers of small
birds floating in the air, for they were at least five miles above the
earth: however, as soon as the storm subsided they all fell
perpendicularly into their respective places, and took root again,
except the largest, which happened, when it was blown into the air, to
have a man and his wife, a very honest old couple, upon its branches,
gathering cucumbers (in this part of the globe that useful vegetable
grows upon trees): the weight of this couple, as the tree descended,
over-balanced the trunk, and brought it down in a horizontal position:
it fell upon the chief man of the island, and killed him on the spot;
he had quitted his house in the storm, under an apprehension of its
falling upon him, and was returning through his own garden when this
fortunate accident happened. The word fortunate, here, requires some
explanation. This chief was a man of a very avaricious and oppressive
disposition, and though he had no family, the natives of the island
were half-starved by his oppressive and infamous impositions.
The very goods which he had thus taken from them were spoiling in his
stores, while the poor wretches from whom they were plundered were
pining in poverty. Though the destruction of this tyrant was
accidental, the people chose the cucumber-gatherers for their
governors, as a mark of their gratitude for destroying, though
accidentally, their late tyrant.
After we had repaired the damages we sustained in this remarkable
storm, and taken leave of the new governor and his lady, we sailed
with a fair wind for the object of our voyage.
In about six weeks we arrived at Ceylon, where we were received with
great marks of friendship and true politeness. The following singular
adventures may not prove unentertaining.
After we had resided at Ceylon about a fortnight I accompanied one of
the governor's brothers upon a shooting party. He was a strong,
athletic man, and being used to that climate (for he had resided there
some years), he bore the violent heat of the sun much better than I
could; in our excursion he had made a considerable progress through a
thick wood when I was only at the entrance.
Near the banks of a large piece of water, which had engaged my
attention, I thought I heard a rustling noise behind; on turning about
I was almost petrified (as who would not be?) at the sight of a lion,
which was evidently approaching with the intention of satisfying his
appetite with my poor carcase, and that without asking my consent.
What was to be done in this horrible dilemma? I had not even a moment
for reflection; my piece was only charged with swan-shot, and I had no
other about me: however, though I could have no idea of killing such
an animal with that weak kind of ammunition, yet I had some hopes of
frightening him by the report, and perhaps of wounding him also. I
immediately let fly, without waiting till he was within reach, and the
report did but enrage him, for he now quickened his pace, and seemed
to approach me full speed: I attempted to escape, but that only added
(if an addition could be made) to my distress; for the moment I turned
about I found a large crocodile, with his mouth extended almost ready
to receive me. On my right hand was the piece of water before
mentioned, and on my left a deep precipice, said to have, as I have
since learned, a receptacle at the bottom for venomous creatures; in
short I gave myself up as lost, for the lion was now upon his hind-
legs, just in the act of seizing me; I fell involuntarily to the
ground with fear, and, as it afterwards appeared, he sprang over me. I
lay some time in a situation which no language can describe, expecting
to feel his teeth or talons in some part of me every moment: after
waiting in this prostrate situation a few seconds I heard a violent
but unusual noise, different from any sound that had ever before
assailed my ears; nor is it at all to be wondered at, when I inform
you from whence it proceeded: after listening for some time, I
ventured to raise my head and look round, when, to my unspeakable joy,
I perceived the lion had, by the eagerness with which he sprung at me,
jumped forward, as I fell, into the crocodile's mouth! which, as
before observed, was wide open; the head of the one stuck in the
throat of the other! and they were struggling to extricate themselves!
I fortunately recollected my /couteau de chasse/, which was by my
side; with this instrument I severed the lion's head at one blow, and
the body fell at my feet! I then, with the butt-end of my fowling-
piece, rammed the head farther into the throat of the crocodile, and
destroyed him by suffocation, for he could neither gorge nor eject it.
Soon after I had thus gained a complete victory over my two powerful
adversaries, my companion arrived in search of me; for finding I did
not follow him into the wood, he returned, apprehending I had lost my
way, or met with some accident.
After mutual congratulations, we measured the crocodile, which was
just forty feet in length.
As soon as we had related this extraordinary adventure to the
governor, he sent a waggon and servants, who brought home the two
carcases. The lion's skin was properly preserved, with its hair on,
after which it was made into tobacco-pouches, and presented by me,
upon our return to Holland, to the burgomasters, who, in return,
requested my acceptance of a thousand ducats.
The skin of the crocodile was stuffed in the usual manner, and makes a
capital article in their public museum at Amsterdam, where the
exhibitor relates the whole story to each spectator, with such
additions as he thinks proper. Some of his variations are rather
extravagant; one of them is, that the lion jumped quite through the
crocodile, and was making his escape at the back door, when, as soon
as his head appeared, Monsieur the Great Baron (as he is pleased to
call me) cut it off, and three feet of the crocodile's tail along with
it; nay, so little attention has this fellow to the truth, that he
sometimes adds, as soon as the crocodile missed his tail, he turned
about, snatched the /couteau de chasse/ out of Monsieur's hand, and
swallowed it with such eagerness that it pierced his heart and killed
him immediately!
The little regard which this impudent knave has to veracity makes me
sometimes apprehensive that my /real facts/ may fall under suspicion,
by being found in company with his confounded inventions.
CHAPTER II
/In which the Baron proves himself a good shot--He loses his
horse, and finds a wolf--Makes him draw his sledge--Promises to
entertain his company with a relation of such facts as are well
deserving their notice./
I set off from Rome on a journey to Russia, in the midst of winter,
from a just notion that frost and snow must of course mend the roads,
which every traveller had described as uncommonly bad through the
northern parts of Germany, Poland, Courland, and Livonia. I went on
horseback, as the most convenient manner of travelling; I was but
lightly clothed, and of this I felt the inconvenience the more I
advanced north-east. What must not a poor old man have suffered in
that severe weather and climate, whom I saw on a bleak common in
Poland, lying on the road, helpless, shivering, and hardly having
wherewithal to cover his nakedness? I pitied the poor soul: though I
felt the severity of the air myself, I threw my mantle over him, and
immediately I heard a voice from the heavens, blessing me for that
piece of charity, saying--
"You will be rewarded, my son, for this in time."
I went on: night and darkness overtook me. No village was to be seen.
The country was covered with snow, and I was unacquainted with the
road.
Tired, I alighted, and fastened my horse to something like a pointed
stump of a tree, which appeared above the snow; for the sake of safety
I placed my pistols under my arm, and laid down on the snow, where I
slept so soundly that I did not open my eyes till full daylight. It is
not easy to conceive my astonishment to find myself in the midst of a
village, lying in a churchyard; nor was my horse to be seen, but I
heard him soon after neigh somewhere above me. On looking upwards I
beheld him hanging by his bridle to the weather-cock of the steeple.
Matters were now very plain to me: the village had been covered with
snow overnight; a sudden change of weather had taken place; I had sunk
down to the churchyard whilst asleep, gently, and in the same
proportion as the snow had melted away; and what in the dark I had
taken to be a stump of a little tree appearing above the snow, to
which I had tied my horse, proved to have been the cross or weather-
cock of the steeple!
Without long consideration I took one of my pistols, shot the bridle
in two, brought the horse, and proceeded on my journey. [Here the
Baron seems to have forgot his feelings; he should certainly have
ordered his horse a feed of corn, after fasting so long.]
He carried me well--advancing into the interior parts of Russia. I
found travelling on horseback rather unfashionable in winter,
therefore I submitted, as I always do, to the custom of the country,
took a single horse sledge, and drove briskly towards St. Petersburg.
I do not exactly recollect whether it was in Eastland or Jugemanland,
but I remember that in the midst of a dreary forest I spied a terrible
wolf making after me, with all the speed of ravenous winter hunger. He
soon overtook me. There was no possibility of escape. Mechanically I
laid myself down flat in the sledge, and let my horse run for our
safety. What I wished, but hardly hoped or expected, happened
immediately after. The wolf did not mind me in the least, but took a
leap over me, and falling furiously on the horse, began instantly to
tear and devour the hind-part of the poor animal, which ran the faster
for his pain and terror. Thus unnoticed and safe myself, I lifted my
head slyly up, and with horror I beheld that the wolf had ate his way
into the horse's body; it was not long before he had fairly forced
himself into it, when I took my advantage, and fell upon him with the
butt-end of my whip. This unexpected attack in his rear frightened him
so much, that he leaped forward with all his might: the horse's
carcase dropped on the ground, but in his place the wolf was in the
harness, and I on my part whipping him continually: we both arrived in
full career safe at St. Petersburg, contrary to our respective
expectations, and very much to the astonishment of the spectators.
I shall not tire you, gentlemen, with the politics, arts, sciences,
and history of this magnificent metropolis of Russia, nor trouble you
with the various intrigues and pleasant adventures I had in the
politer circles of that country, where the lady of the house always
receives the visitor with a dram and a salute. I shall confine myself
rather to the greater and nobler objects of your attention, horses and
dogs, my favourites in the brute creation; also to foxes, wolves, and
bears, with which, and game in general, Russia abounds more than any
other part of the world; and to such sports, manly exercises, and
feats of gallantry and activity, as show the gentleman better than
musty Greek or Latin, or all the perfume, finery, and capers of French
wits or /petit-maîtres/.
CHAPTER III
/An encounter between the Baron's nose and a door-post, with its
wonderful effects--Fifty brace of ducks and other fowl destroyed
by one shot--Flogs a fox out of his skin--Leads an old sow home in
a new way, and vanquishes a wild boar./
It was some time before I could obtain a commission in the army, and
for several months I was perfectly at liberty to sport away my time
and money in the most gentleman-like manner. You may easily imagine
that I spent much of both out of town with such gallant fellows as
knew how to make the most of an open forest country. The very
recollection of those amusements gives me fresh spirits, and creates a
warm wish for a repetition of them. One morning I saw, through the
windows of my bed-room, that a large pond not far off was covered with
wild ducks. In an instant I took my gun from the corner, ran down-
stairs and out of the house in such a hurry, that I imprudently struck
my face against the door-post. Fire flew out of my eyes, but it did
not prevent my intention; I soon came within shot, when, levelling my
piece, I observed to my sorrow, that even the flint had sprung from
the cock by the violence of the shock I had just received. There was
no time to be lost. I presently remembered the effect it had on my
eyes, therefore opened the pan, levelled my piece against the wild
fowls, and my fist against one of my eyes. [The Baron's eyes have
retained fire ever since, and appear particularly illuminated when he
relates this anecdote.] A hearty blow drew sparks again; the shot went
off, and I killed fifty brace of ducks, twenty widgeons, and three
couple of teals. Presence of mind is the soul of manly exercises. If
soldiers and sailors owe to it many of their lucky escapes, hunters
and sportsmen are not less beholden to it for many of their successes.
In a noble forest in Russia I met a fine black fox, whose valuable
skin it would have been a pity to tear by ball or shot. Reynard stood
close to a tree. In a twinkling I took out my ball, and placed a good
spike-nail in its room, fired, and hit him so cleverly that I nailed
his brush fast to the tree. I now went up to him, took out my hanger,
gave him a cross-cut over the face, laid hold of my whip, and fairly
flogged him out of his fine skin.
Chance and good luck often correct our mistakes; of this I had a
singular instance soon after, when, in the depth of a forest, I saw a
wild pig and sow running close behind each other. My ball had missed
them, yet the foremost pig only ran away, and the sow stood
motionless, as fixed to the ground. On examining into the matter, I
found the latter one to be an old sow, blind with age, which had taken
hold of her pig's tail, in order to be led along by filial duty. My
ball, having passed between the two, had cut his leading-string, which
the old sow continued to hold in her mouth; and as her former guide
did not draw her on any longer, she had stopped of course; I therefore
laid hold of the remaining end of the pig's tail, and led the old
beast home without any further trouble on my part, and without any
reluctance or apprehension on the part of the helpless old animal.
Terrible as these wild sows are, yet more fierce and dangerous are the
boars, one of which I had once the misfortune to meet in a forest,
unprepared for attack or defence. I retired behind an oak-tree just
when the furious animal levelled a side-blow at me, with such force,
that his tusks pierced through the tree, by which means he could
neither repeat the blow nor retire. Ho, ho! thought I, I shall soon
have you now! and immediately I laid hold of a stone, wherewith I
hammered and bent his tusks in such a manner, that he could not
retreat by any means, and must wait my return from the next village,
whither I went for ropes and a cart, to secure him properly, and to
carry him off safe and alive, in which I perfectly succeeded.
CHAPTER IV
/Reflections on Saint Hubert's stag--Shoots a stag with cherry-
stones; the wonderful effects of it--Kills a bear by extraordinary
dexterity; his danger pathetically described--Attacked by a wolf,
which he turns inside out--Is assailed by a mad dog, from which he
escapes--The Baron's cloak seized with madness, by which his whole
wardrobe is thrown into confusion./
You have heard, I dare say, of the hunter and sportsman's saint and
protector, St. Hubert, and of the noble stag, which appeared to him in
the forest, with the holy cross between his antlers. I have paid my
homage to that saint every year in good fellowship, and seen this stag
a thousand times, either painted in churches, or embroidered in the
stars of his knights; so that, upon the honour and conscience of a
good sportsman, I hardly know whether there may not have been
formerly, or whether there are not such crossed stags even at this
present day. But let me rather tell what I have seen myself. Having
one day spent all my shot, I found myself unexpectedly in presence of
a stately stag, looking at me as unconcernedly as if he had known of
my empty pouches. I charged immediately with powder, and upon it a
good handful of cherry-stones, for I had sucked the fruit as far as
the hurry would permit. Thus I let fly at him, and hit him just on the
middle of the forehead, between his antlers; it stunned him--he
staggered--yet he made off. A year or two after, being with a party in
the same forest, I beheld a noble stag with a fine full grown cherry-
tree above ten feet high between his antlers. I immediately
recollected my former adventure, looked upon him as my property, and
brought him to the ground by one shot, which at once gave me the
haunch and cherry-sauce; for the tree was covered with the richest
fruit, the like I had never tasted before. Who knows but some
passionate holy sportsman, or sporting abbot or bishop, may have shot,
planted, and fixed the cross between the antlers of St. Hubert's stag,
in a manner similar to this? They always have been, and still are,
famous for plantations of crosses and antlers; and in a case of
distress or dilemma, which too often happens to keen sportsmen, one is
apt to grasp at anything for safety, and to try any expedient rather
than miss the favourable opportunity. I have many times found myself
in that trying situation.
What do you say of this, for example? Daylight and powder were spent
one day in a Polish forest. When I was going home a terrible bear made
up to me in great speed, with open mouth, ready to fall upon me; all
my pockets were searched in an instant for powder and ball, but in
vain; I found nothing but two spare flints: one I flung with all my
might into the monster's open jaws, down his throat. It gave him pain
and made him turn about, so that I could level the second at his back-
door, which, indeed, I did with wonderful success; for it flew in, met
the first flint in the stomach, struck fire, and blew up the bear with
a terrible explosion. Though I came safe off that time, yet I should
not wish to try it again, or venture against bears with no other
ammunition.
There is a kind of fatality in it. The fiercest and most dangerous
animals generally came upon me when defenceless, as if they had a
notion or an instinctive intimation of it. Thus a frightful wolf
rushed upon me so suddenly, and so close, that I could do nothing but
follow mechanical instinct, and thrust my fist into his open mouth.
For safety's sake I pushed on and on, till my arm was fairly in up to
the shoulder. How should I disengage myself? I was not much pleased
with my awkward situation--with a wolf face to face; our ogling was
not of the most pleasant kind. If I withdrew my arm, then the animal
would fly the more furiously upon me; that I saw in his flaming eyes.
In short, I laid hold of his tail, turned him inside out like a glove,
and flung him to the ground, where I left him.
The same expedient would not have answered against a mad dog, which
soon after came running against me in a narrow street at St.
Petersburg. Run who can, I thought; and to do this the better, I threw
off my fur cloak, and was safe within doors in an instant. I sent my
servant for the cloak, and he put it in the wardrobe with my other
clothes. The day after I was amazed and frightened by Jack's bawling,
"For God's sake, sir, your fur cloak is mad!" I hastened up to him,
and found almost all my clothes tossed about and torn to pieces. The
fellow was perfectly right in his apprehensions about the fur cloak's
madness. I saw him myself just then falling upon a fine full-dress
suit, which he shook and tossed in an unmerciful manner.
CHAPTER V
/The effects of great activity and presence of mind--A favourite
hound described, which pups while pursuing a hare; the hare also
litters while pursued by the hound--Presented with a famous horse
by Count Przobossky, with which he performs many extraordinary
feats./
All these narrow and lucky escapes, gentlemen, were chances turned to
advantage by presence of mind and vigorous exertions, which, taken
together, as everybody knows, make the fortunate sportsman, sailor,
and soldier; but he would be a very blamable and imprudent sportsman,
admiral, or general, who would always depend upon chance and his
stars, without troubling himself about those arts which are their
particular pursuits, and without providing the very best implements,
which insure success. I was not blamable either way; for I have always
been as remarkable for the excellency of my horses, dogs, guns, and
swords, as for the proper manner of using and managing them, so that
upon the whole I may hope to be remembered in the forest, upon the
turf, and in the field. I shall not enter here into any detail of my
stables, kennel, or armoury; but a favourite bitch of mine I cannot
help mentioning to you; she was a greyhound, and I never had or saw a
better. She grew old in my service, and was not remarkable for her
size, but rather for her uncommon swiftness. I always coursed with
her. Had you seen her you must have admired her, and would not have
wondered at my predilection, and at my coursing her so much. She ran
so fast, so much, and so long in my service, that she actually ran off
her legs; so that, in the latter part of her life, I was under the
necessity of working and using her only as a terrier, in which quality
she still served me many years.
Coursing one day a hare, which appeared to me uncommonly big, I pitied
my poor bitch, being big with pups, yet she would course as fast as
ever. I could follow her on horseback only at a great distance. At
once I heard a cry as it were of a pack of hounds--but so weak and
faint that I hardly knew what to make of it. Coming up to them, I was
greatly surprised. The hare had littered in running; the same had
happened to my bitch in coursing, and there were just as many leverets
as pups. By instinct the former ran, the latter coursed: and thus I
found myself in possession at once of six hares, and as many dogs, at
the end of a course which had only begun with one.
I remember this, my wonderful bitch, with the same pleasure and
tenderness as a superb Lithuanian horse, which no money could have
bought. He became mine by an accident, which gave me an opportunity of
showing my horsemanship to a great advantage. I was at Count
Przobossky's noble country-seat in Lithuania, and remained with the
ladies at tea in the drawing-room, while the gentlemen were down in
the yard, to see a young horse of blood which had just arrived from
the stud. We suddenly heard a noise of distress; I hastened down-
stairs, and found the horse so unruly, that nobody durst approach or
mount him. The most resolute horsemen stood dismayed and aghast;
despondency was expressed in every countenance, when, in one leap, I
was on his back, took him by surprise, and worked him quite into
gentleness and obedience with the best display of horsemanship I was
master of. Fully to show this to the ladies, and save them unnecessary
trouble, I forced him to leap in at one of the open windows of the
tea-room, walked round several times, pace, trot, and gallop, and at
last made him mount the tea-table, there to repeat his lessons in a
pretty style of miniature which was exceedingly pleasing to the
ladies, for he performed them amazingly well, and did not break either
cup or saucer. It placed me so high in their opinion, and so well in
that of the noble lord, that, with his usual politeness, he begged I
would accept of this young horse, and ride him full career to conquest
and honour in the campaign against the Turks, which was soon to be
opened, under the command of Count Munich.
I could not indeed have received a more agreeable present, nor a more
ominous one at the opening of that campaign, in which I made my
apprenticeship as a soldier. A horse so gentle, so spirited, and so
fierce--at once a lamb and a Bucephalus, put me always in mind of the
soldier's and the gentleman's duty! of young Alexander, and of the
astonishing things he performed in the field.
We took the field, among several other reasons, it seems, with an
intention to retrieve the character of the Russian arms, which had
been blemished a little by Czar Peter's last campaign on the Pruth;
and this we fully accomplished by several very fatiguing and glorious
campaigns under the command of that great general I mentioned before.
Modesty forbids individuals to arrogate to themselves great successes
or victories, the glory of which is generally engrossed by the
commander--nay, which is rather awkward, by kings and queens who never
smelt gunpowder but at the field-days and reviews of their troops;
never saw a field of battle, or an enemy in battle array.
Nor do I claim any particular share of glory in the great engagements
with the enemy. We all did our duty, which, in the patriot's,
soldier's, and gentleman's language, is a very comprehensive word, of
great honour, meaning, and import, and of which the generality of idle
quidnuncs and coffee-house politicians can hardly form any but a very
mean and contemptible idea. However, having had the command of a body
of hussars, I went upon several expeditions, with discretionary
powers; and the success I then met with is, I think, fairly and only
to be placed to my account, and to that of the brave fellows whom I
led on to conquest and to victory. We had very hot work once in the
van of the army, when we drove the Turks into Oczakow. My spirited
Lithuanian had almost brought me into a scrape: I had an advanced
fore-post, and saw the enemy coming against me in a cloud of dust,
which left me rather uncertain about their actual numbers and real
intentions: to wrap myself up in a similar cloud was common prudence,
but would not have much advanced my knowledge, or answered the end for
which I had been sent out; therefore I let my flankers on both wings
spread to the right and left and make what dust they could, and I
myself led on straight upon the enemy, to have nearer sight of them:
in this I was gratified, for they stood and fought, till, for fear of
my flankers, they began to move off rather disorderly. This was the
moment to fall upon them with spirit; we broke them entirely--made a
terrible havoc amongst them, and drove them not only back to a walled
town in their rear, but even through it, contrary to our most sanguine
expectation.
The swiftness of my Lithuanian enabled me to be foremost in the
pursuit; and seeing the enemy fairly flying through the opposite gate,
I thought it would be prudent to stop in the market-place, to order
the men to rendezvous. I stopped, gentlemen; but judge of my
astonishment when in this market-place I saw not one of my hussars
about me! Are they scouring the other streets? or what is become of
them? They could not be far off, and must, at all events, soon join
me. In that expectation I walked my panting Lithuanian to a spring in
this market-place, and let him drink. He drank uncommonly, with an
eagerness not to be satisfied, but natural enough; for when I looked
round for my men, what should I see, gentlemen! the hind part of the
poor creature--croup and legs were missing, as if he had been cut in
two, and the water ran out as it came in, without refreshing or doing
him any good! How it could have happened was quite a mystery to me,
till I returned with him to the town-gate. There I saw, that when I
rushed in pell-mell with the flying enemy, they had dropped the
portcullis (a heavy falling door, with sharp spikes at the bottom, let
down suddenly to prevent the entrance of an enemy into a fortified
town) unperceived by me, which had totally cut off his hind part, that
still lay quivering on the outside of the gate. It would have been an
irreparable loss, had not our farrier contrived to bring both parts
together while hot. He sewed them up with sprigs and young shoots of
laurels that were at hand; the wound healed, and, what could not have
happened but to so glorious a horse, the sprigs took root in his body,
grew up, and formed a bower over me; so that afterwards I could go
upon many other expeditions in the shade of my own and my horse's
laurels.
CHAPTER VI
/The Baron is made a prisoner of war, and sold for a slave--Keeps
the Sultan's bees, which are attacked by two bears--Loses one of
his bees; a silver hatchet, which he throws at the bears, rebounds
and flies up to the moon; brings it back by an ingenious
invention; falls to the earth on his return, and helps himself out
of a pit--Extricates himself from a carriage which meets his in a
narrow road, in a manner never before attempted nor practised
since--The wonderful effects of the frost upon his servant's
French horn./
I was not always successful. I had the misfortune to be overpowered by
numbers, to be made prisoner of war; and, what is worse, but always
usual among the Turks, to be sold for a slave. [The Baron was
afterwards in great favour with the Grand Seignior, as will appear
hereafter.] In that state of humiliation my daily task was not very
hard and laborious, but rather singular and irksome. It was to drive
the Sultan's bees every morning to their pasture-grounds, to attend
them all the day long, and against night to drive them back to their
hives. One evening I missed a bee, and soon observed that two bears
had fallen upon her to tear her to pieces for the honey she carried. I
had nothing like an offensive weapon in my hands but the silver
hatchet, which is the badge of the Sultan's gardeners and farmers. I
threw it at the robbers, with an intention to frighten them away, and
set the poor bee at liberty; but, by an unlucky turn of my arm, it
flew upwards, and continued rising till it reached the moon. How
should I recover it? how fetch it down again? I recollected that
Turkey-beans grow very quick, and run up to an astonishing height. I
planted one immediately; it grew, and actually fastened itself to one
of the moon's horns. I had no more to do now but to climb up by it
into the moon, where I safely arrived, and had a troublesome piece of
business before I could find my silver hatchet, in a place where
everything has the brightness of silver; at last, however, I found it
in a heap of chaff and chopped straw. I was now for returning: but,
alas! the heat of the sun had dried up my bean; it was totally useless
for my descent: so I fell to work, and twisted me a rope of that
chopped straw, as long and as well as I could make it. This I fastened
to one of the moon's horns, and slid down to the end of it. Here I
held myself fast with the left hand, and with the hatchet in my right,
I cut the long, now useless end of the upper part, which, when tied to
the lower end, brought me a good deal lower: this repeated splicing
and tying of the rope did not improve its quality, or bring me down to
the Sultan's farm. I was four or five miles from the earth at least
when it broke; I fell to the ground with such amazing violence, that I
found myself stunned, and in a hole nine fathoms deep at least, made
by the weight of my body falling from so great a height: I recovered,
but knew not how to get out again; however, I dug slopes or steps with
my finger-nails [the Baron's nails were then of forty years' growth],
and easily accomplished it.
Peace was soon after concluded with the Turks, and gaining my liberty,
I left St. Petersburg at the time of that singular revolution, when
the emperor in his cradle, his mother, the Duke of Brunswick, her
father, Field-Marshal Munich, and many others were sent to Siberia.
The winter was then so uncommonly severe all over Europe, that ever
since the sun seems to be frost-bitten. At my return to this place, I
felt on the road greater inconveniences than those I had experienced
on my setting out.
I travelled post, and finding myself in a narrow lane, bid the
postillion give a signal with his horn, that other travellers might
not meet us in the narrow passage. He blew with all his might; but his
endeavours were in vain, he could not make the horn sound, which was
unaccountable, and rather unfortunate, for soon after we found
ourselves in the presence of another coach coming the other way: there
was no proceeding; however, I got out of my carriage, and being pretty
strong, placed it, wheels and all, upon my head: I then jumped over a
hedge about nine feet high (which, considering the weight of the
coach, was rather difficult) into a field, and came out again by
another jump into the road beyond the other carriage: I then went back
for the horses, and placing one upon my head, and the other under my
left arm, by the same means brought them to my coach, put to, and
proceeded to an inn at the end of our stage. I should have told you
that the horse under my arm was very spirited, and not above four
years old; in making my second spring over the hedge, he expressed
great dislike to that violent kind of motion by kicking and snorting;
however, I confined his hind legs by putting them into my coat-pocket.
After we arrived at the inn my postillion and I refreshed ourselves:
he hung his horn on a peg near the kitchen fire; I sat on the other
side.
Suddenly we heard a /tereng! tereng! teng! teng!/ We looked round, and
now found the reason why the postillion had not been able to sound his
horn; his tunes were frozen up in the horn, and came out now by
thawing, plain enough, and much to the credit of the driver; so that
the honest fellow entertained us for some time with a variety of
tunes, without putting his mouth to the horn--"The King of Prussia's
March," "Over the Hill and over the Dale," with many other favourite
tunes; at length the thawing entertainment concluded, as I shall this
short account of my Russian travels.
/Some travellers are apt to advance more than is perhaps strictly
true; if any of the company entertain a doubt of my veracity, I shall
only say to such, I pity their want of faith, and must request they
will take leave before I begin the second part of my adventures, which
are as strictly founded in fact as those I have already related./
CHAPTER VII
/The Baron relates his adventures on a voyage to North America,
which are well worth the reader's attention--Pranks of a whale--A
sea-gull saves a sailor's life--The Baron's head forced into his
stomach--A dangerous leak stopped à posteriori./
I embarked at Portsmouth in a first-rate English man-of-war, of one
hundred guns, and fourteen hundred men, for North America. Nothing
worth relating happened till we arrived within three hundred leagues
of the river St. Laurence, when the ship struck with amazing force
against (as we supposed) a rock; however, upon heaving the lead we
could find no bottom, even with three hundred fathom. What made this
circumstance the more wonderful, and indeed beyond all comprehension,
was, that the violence of the shock was such that we lost our rudder,
broke our bowsprit in the middle, and split all our masts from top to
bottom, two of which went by the board; a poor fellow, who was aloft
furling the mainsheet, was flung at least three leagues from the ship;
but he fortunately saved his life by laying hold of the tail of a
large sea-gull, who brought him back, and lodged him on the very spot
from whence he was thrown. Another proof of the violence of the shock
was the force with which the people between decks were driven against
the floors above them; my head particularly was pressed into my
stomach, where it continued some months before it recovered its
natural situation. Whilst we were all in a state of astonishment at
the general and unaccountable confusion in which we were involved, the
whole was suddenly explained by the appearance of a large whale, who
had been basking, asleep, within sixteen feet of the surface of the
water. This animal was so much displeased with the disturbance which
our ship had given him--for in our passage we had with our rudder
scratched his nose--that he beat in all the gallery and part of the
quarter-deck with his tail, and almost at the same instant took the
mainsheet anchor, which was suspended, as it usually is, from the
head, between his teeth, and ran away with the ship, at least sixty
leagues, at the rate of twelve leagues an hour, when fortunately the
cable broke, and we lost both the whale and the anchor. However, upon
our return to Europe, some months after, we found the same whale
within a few leagues of the same spot, floating dead upon the water;
it measured above half a mile in length. As we could take but a small
quantity of such a monstrous animal on board, we got our boats out,
and with much difficulty cut off his head, where, to our great joy, we
found the anchor, and above forty fathom of the cable, concealed on
the left side of his mouth, just under his tongue. [Perhaps this was
the cause of his death, as that side of his tongue was much swelled,
with a great degree of inflammation.] This was the only extraordinary
circumstance that happened on this voyage. One part of our distress,
however, I had like to have forgot: while the whale was running away
with the ship she sprung a leak, and the water poured in so fast, that
all our pumps could not keep us from sinking; it was, however, my good
fortune to discover it first. I found it a large hole about a foot
diameter; you will naturally suppose this circumstance gives me
infinite pleasure, when I inform you that this noble vessel was
preserved, with all its crew, by a most fortunate thought! in short, I
sat down over it, and could have dispensed with it had it been larger;
nor will you be surprised when I inform you I am descended from Dutch
parents. [The Baron's ancestors have but lately settled there; in
another part of his adventures he boasts of royal blood.]
My situation, while I sat there, was rather cool, but the carpenter's
art soon relieved me.
CHAPTER VIII
/Bathes in the Mediterranean--Meets an unexpected companion--
Arrives unintentionally in the regions of heat and darkness, from
which he is extricated by dancing a hornpipe--Frightens his
deliverers, and returns on shore./
I was once in great danger of being lost in a most singular manner in
the Mediterranean: I was bathing in that pleasant sea near Marseilles
one summer's afternoon, when I discovered a very large fish, with his
jaws quite extended, approaching me with the greatest velocity; there
was no time to be lost, nor could I possibly avoid him. I immediately
reduced myself to as small a size as possible, by closing my feet and
placing my hands also near my sides, in which position I passed
directly between his jaws, and into his stomach, where I remained some
time in total darkness, and comfortably warm, as you may imagine; at
last it occurred to me, that by giving him pain he would be glad to
get rid of me: as I had plenty of room, I played my pranks, such as
tumbling, hop, step, and jump, &c., but nothing seemed to disturb him
so much as the quick motion of my feet in attempting to dance a
hornpipe; soon after I began he put me out by sudden fits and starts:
I persevered; at last he roared horridly, and stood up almost
perpendicularly in the water, with his head and shoulders exposed, by
which he was discovered by the people on board an Italian trader, then
sailing by, who harpooned him in a few minutes. As soon as he was
brought on board I heard the crew consulting how they should cut him
up, so as to preserve the greatest quantity of oil. As I understood
Italian, I was in most dreadful apprehensions lest their weapons
employed in this business should destroy me also; therefore I stood as
near the centre as possible, for there was room enough for a dozen men
in this creature's stomach, and I naturally imagined they would begin
with the extremities; however, my fears were soon dispersed, for they
began by opening the bottom of the belly. As soon as I perceived a
glimmering of light I called out lustily to be released from a
situation in which I was now almost suffocated. It is impossible for
me to do justice to the degree and kind of astonishment which sat upon
every countenance at hearing a human voice issue from a fish, but more
so at seeing a naked man walk upright out of his body; in short,
gentlemen, I told them the whole story, as I have done you, whilst
amazement struck them dumb.
After taking some refreshment, and jumping into the sea to cleanse
myself, I swam to my clothes, which lay where I had left them on the
shore. As near as I can calculate, I was near four hours and a half
confined in the stomach of this animal.
CHAPTER IX
/Adventures in Turkey, and upon the river Nile--Sees a balloon
over Constantinople; shoots at, and brings it down; finds a French
experimental philosopher suspended from it--Goes on an embassy to
Grand Cairo, and returns upon the Nile, where he is thrown into an
unexpected situation, and detained six weeks./
When I was in the service of the Turks I frequently amused myself in a
pleasure-barge on the Marmora, which commands a view of the whole city
of Constantinople, including the Grand Seignior's Seraglio. One
morning, as I was admiring the beauty and serenity of the sky, I
observed a globular substance in the air, which appeared to be about
the size of a twelve-inch globe, with somewhat suspended from it. I
immediately took up my largest and longest barrel fowling-piece, which
I never travel or make even an excursion without, if I can help it; I
charged with a ball, and fired at the globe, but to no purpose, the
object being at too great a distance. I then put in a double quantity
of powder, and five or six balls: this second attempt succeeded; all
the balls took effect, and tore one side open, and brought it down.
Judge my surprise when a most elegant gilt car, with a man in it, and
part of a sheep which seemed to have been roasted, fell within two
yards of me. When my astonishment had in some degree subsided, I
ordered my people to row close to this strange aërial traveller.
I took him on board my barge (he was a native of France): he was much
indisposed from his sudden fall into the sea, and incapable of
speaking; after some time, however, he recovered, and gave the
following account of himself, viz.: "About seven or eight days since,
I cannot tell which, for I have lost my reckoning, having been most of
the time where the sun never sets, I ascended from the Land's End in
Cornwall, in the island of Great Britain, in the car from which I have
been just taken, suspended from a very large balloon, and took a sheep
with me to try atmospheric experiments upon: unfortunately, the wind
changed within ten minutes after my ascent, and instead of driving
towards Exeter, where I intended to land, I was driven towards the
sea, over which I suppose I have continued ever since, but much too
high to make observations.
"The calls of hunger were so pressing, that the intended experiments
upon heat and respiration gave way to them. I was obliged, on the
third day, to kill the sheep for food; and being at that time
infinitely above the moon, and for upwards of sixteen hours after so
very near the sun that it scorched my eyebrows, I placed the carcase,
taking care to skin it first, in that part of the car where the sun
had sufficient power, or, in other words, where the balloon did not
shade it from the sun, by which method it was well roasted in about
two hours. This has been my food ever since." Here he paused, and
seemed lost in viewing the objects about him. When I told him the
buildings before us were the Grand Seignior's Seraglio at
Constantinople, he seemed exceedingly affected, as he had supposed
himself in a very different situation. "The cause," added he, "of my
long flight, was owing to the failure of a string which was fixed to a
valve in the balloon, intended to let out the inflammable air; and if
it had not been fired at, and rent in the manner before mentioned, I
might, like Mahomet, have been suspended between heaven and earth till
doomsday."
The Grand Seignior, to whom I was introduced by the Imperial, Russian,
and French ambassadors, employed me to negotiate a matter of great
importance at Grand Cairo, and which was of such a nature that it must
ever remain a secret.
I went there in great state by land; where, having completed the
business, I dismissed almost all my attendants, and returned like a
private gentleman; the weather was delightful, and that famous river
the Nile was beautiful beyond all description; in short, I was tempted
to hire a barge to descend by water to Alexandria. On the third day of
my voyage the river began to rise most amazingly (you have all heard,
I presume, of the annual overflowing of the Nile), and on the next day
it spread the whole country for many leagues on each side! On the
fifth, at sunrise, my barge became entangled with what I at first took
for shrubs, but as the light became stronger I found myself surrounded
by almonds, which were perfectly ripe, and in the highest perfection.
Upon plumbing with a line my people found we were at least sixty feet
from the ground, and unable to advance or retreat. At about eight or
nine o'clock, as near as I could judge by the altitude of the sun, the
wind rose suddenly, and canted our barge on one side: here she filled,
and I saw no more of her for some time. Fortunately we all saved
ourselves (six men and two boys) by clinging to the tree, the boughs
of which were equal to our weight, though not to that of the barge: in
this situation we continued six weeks and three days, living upon the
almonds; I need not inform you we had plenty of water. On the forty-
second day of our distress the water fell as rapidly as it had risen,
and on the forty-sixth we were able to venture down upon /terra
firma/. Our barge was the first pleasing object we saw, about two
hundred yards from the spot where she sunk. After drying everything
that was useful by the heat of the sun, and loading ourselves with
necessaries from the stores on board, we set out to recover our lost
ground, and found, by the nearest calculation, we had been carried
over garden-walls, and a variety of enclosures, above one hundred and
fifty miles. In four days, after a very tiresome journey on foot, with
thin shoes, we reached the river, which was now confined to its banks,
related our adventures to a boy, who kindly accommodated all our
wants, and sent us forward in a barge of his own. In six days more we
arrived at Alexandria, where we took shipping for Constantinople. I
was received kindly by the Grand Seignior, and had the honour of
seeing the Seraglio, to which his highness introduced me himself.
CHAPTER X
/Pays a visit during the siege of Gibraltar to his old friend
General Elliot--Sinks a Spanish man-of-war--Wakes an old woman on
the African coast--Destroys all the enemy's cannon; frightens the
Count d'Artois, and sends him to Paris--Saves the lives of two
English spies with the identical sling that killed Goliath; and
raises the siege./
During the late siege of Gibraltar I went with a provision-fleet,
under Lord Rodney's command, to see my old friend General Elliot, who
has, by his distinguished defence of that place, acquired laurels that
can never fade. After the usual joy which generally attends the
meeting of old friends had subsided, I went to examine the state of
the garrison, and view the operations of the enemy, for which purpose
the General accompanied me. I had brought a most excellent refracting
telescope with me from London, purchased of Dollond, by the help of
which I found the enemy were going to discharge a thirty-six pounder
at the spot where we stood. I told the General what they were about;
he looked through the glass also, and found my conjectures right. I
immediately, by his permission, ordered a forty-eight pounder to be
brought from a neighbouring battery, which I placed with so much
exactness (having long studied the art of gunnery) that I was sure of
my mark.
I continued watching the enemy till I saw the match placed at the
touch-hole of their piece; at that very instant I gave the signal for
our gun to be fired also.
About midway between the two pieces of cannon the balls struck each
other with amazing force, and the effect was astonishing! The enemy's
ball recoiled back with such violence as to kill the man who had
discharged it, by carrying his head fairly off, with sixteen others
which it met with in its progress to the Barbary coast, where its
force, after passing through three masts of vessels that then lay in a
line behind each other in the harbour, was so much spent, that it only
broke its way through the roof of a poor labourer's hut, about two
hundred yards inland, and destroyed a few teeth an old woman had left,
who lay asleep upon her back with her mouth open. The ball lodged in
her throat. Her husband soon after came home, and endeavoured to
extract it; but finding that impracticable, by the assistance of a
rammer he forced it into her stomach. Our ball did excellent service;
for it not only repelled the other in the manner just described, but,
proceeding as I intended it should, it dismounted the very piece of
cannon that had just been employed against us, and forced it into the
hold of the ship, where it fell with so much force as to break its way
through the bottom. The ship immediately filled and sank, with above a
thousand Spanish sailors on board, besides a considerable number of
soldiers. This, to be sure, was a most extraordinary exploit; I will
not, however, take the whole merit to myself; my judgment was the
principal engine, but chance assisted me a little; for I afterwards
found, that the man who charged our forty-eight pounder put in, by
mistake, a double quantity of powder, else we could never have
succeeded so much beyond all expectation, especially in repelling the
enemy's ball.
General Elliot would have given me a commission for this singular
piece of service; but I declined everything, except his thanks, which
I received at a crowded table of officers at supper on the evening of
that very day.
As I am very partial to the English, who are beyond all doubt a brave
people, I determined not to take my leave of the garrison till I had
rendered them another piece of service, and in about three weeks an
opportunity presented itself. I dressed myself in the habit of a
/Popish priest/, and at about one o'clock in the morning stole out of
the garrison, passed the enemy's lines, and arrived in the middle of
their camp, where I entered the tent in which the Prince d'Artois was,
with the commander-in-chief, and several other officers, in deep
council, concerting a plan to storm the garrison next morning. My
disguise was my protection; they suffered me to continue there,
hearing everything that passed, till they went to their several beds.
When I found the whole camp, and even the sentinels, were wrapped up
in the arms of Morpheus, I began my work, which was that of
dismounting all their cannon (above three hundred pieces), from forty-
eight to twenty-four pounders, and throwing them three leagues into
the sea. Having no assistance, I found this the hardest task I ever
undertook, except swimming to the opposite shore with the famous
Turkish piece of ordnance, described by Baron de Tott in his Memoirs,
which I shall hereafter mention. I then piled all the carriages
together in the centre of the camp, which, to prevent the noise of the
wheels being heard, I carried in pairs under my arms; and a noble
appearance they made, as high at least as the rock of Gibraltar. I
then lighted a match by striking a flint stone, situated twenty feet
from the ground (in an old wall built by the Moors when they invaded
Spain), with the breech of an iron eight-and-forty pounder, and so set
fire to the whole pile. I forgot to inform you that I threw all their
ammunition-waggons upon the top.
Before I applied the lighted match I had laid the combustibles at the
bottom so judiciously, that the whole was in a blaze in a moment. To
prevent suspicion I was one of the first to express my surprise. The
whole camp was, as you may imagine, petrified with astonishment: the
general conclusion was, that their sentinels had been bribed, and that
seven or eight regiments of the garrison had been employed in this
horrid destruction of their artillery. Mr. Drinkwater, in his account
of this famous siege, mentions the enemy sustaining a great loss by a
fire which happened in their camp, but never knew the cause; how
should he? as I never divulged it before (though I alone saved
Gibraltar by this night's business), not even to General Elliot. The
Count d'Artois and all his attendants ran away in their fright, and
never stopped on the road till they reached Paris, which they did in
about a fortnight; this dreadful conflagration had such an effect upon
them that they were incapable of taking the least refreshment for
three months after, but, chameleon-like, lived upon the air.
/If any gentleman will say he doubts the truth of this story, I will
fine him a gallon of brandy and make him drink it at one draught./
About two months after I had done the besieged this service, one
morning, as I sat at breakfast with General Elliot, a shell (for I had
not time to destroy their mortars as well as their cannon) entered the
apartment we were sitting in; it lodged upon our table: the General,
as most men would do, quitted the room directly; but I took it up
before it burst, and carried it to the top of the rock, when, looking
over the enemy's camp, on an eminence near the sea-coast I observed a
considerable number of people, but could not, with my naked eye,
discover how they were employed. I had recourse again to my telescope,
when I found that two of our officers, one a general, the other a
colonel, with whom I spent the preceding evening, and who went out
into the enemy's camp about midnight as spies, were taken, and then
were actually going to be executed on a gibbet. I found the distance
too great to throw the shell with my hand, but most fortunately
recollecting that I had the very sling in my pocket which assisted
David in slaying Goliath, I placed the shell in it, and immediately
threw it in the midst of them: it burst as it fell, and destroyed all
present, except the two culprits, who were saved by being suspended so
high, for they were just turned off: however, one of the pieces of the
shell fled with such force against the foot of the gibbet, that it
immediately brought it down. Our two friends no sooner felt /terra
firma/ than they looked about for the cause; and finding their guards,
executioner, and all, had taken it in their heads to die first, they
directly extricated each other from their disgraceful cords, and then
ran down to the sea-shore, seized a Spanish boat with two men in it,
and made them row to one of our ships, which they did with great
safety, and in a few minutes after, when I was relating to General
Elliot how I had acted, they both took us by the hand, and after
mutual congratulations we retired to spend the day with festivity.
CHAPTER XI
/An interesting account of the Baron's ancestors--A quarrel
relative to the spot where Noah built his ark--The history of the
sling, and its properties--A favourite poet introduced upon no
very reputable occasion--queen Elizabeth's abstinence--The Baron's
father crosses from England to Holland upon a marine horse, which
he sells for seven hundred ducats./
You wish (I can see by your countenances) I would inform you how I
became possessed of such a treasure as the sling just mentioned. (Here
facts must be held sacred.) Thus then it was: I am a descendant of the
wife of Uriah, whom we all know David was intimate with; she had
several children by his majesty; they quarrelled once upon a matter of
the first consequence, viz., the spot where Noah's ark was built, and
where it rested after the flood. A separation consequently ensued. She
had often heard him speak of this sling as his most valuable treasure:
this she stole the night they parted; it was missed before she got out
of his dominions, and she was pursued by no less than six of the
king's body-guards: however, by using it herself she hit the first of
them (for one was more active in the pursuit than the rest) where
David did Goliath, and killed him on the spot. His companions were so
alarmed at his fall that they retired, and left Uriah's wife to pursue
her journey. She took with her, I should have informed you before, her
favourite son by this connection, to whom she bequeathed the sling;
and thus it has, without interruption, descended from father to son
till it came into my possession. One of its possessors, my great-
great-great-grandfather, who lived about two hundred and fifty years
ago, was upon a visit to England, and became intimate with a poet who
was a great deer-stealer; I think his name was Shakespeare: he
frequently borrowed this sling, and with it killed so much of Sir
Thomas Lucy's venison, that he narrowly escaped the fate of my two
friends at Gibraltar. Poor Shakespeare was imprisoned, and my ancestor
obtained his freedom in a very singular manner. Queen Elizabeth was
then on the throne, but grown so indolent, that every trifling matter
was a trouble to her; dressing, undressing, eating, drinking, and some
other offices which shall be nameless, made life a burden to her; all
these things he enabled her to do without, or by a deputy! and what do
you think was the only return she could prevail upon him to accept for
such eminent services? setting Shakespeare at liberty! Such was his
affection for that famous writer, that he would have shortened his own
days to add to the number of his friend's.
I do not hear that any of the queen's subjects, particularly the
/beef-eaters/, as they are vulgarly called to this day, however they
might be struck with the novelty at the time, much approved of her
living totally without food. She did not survive the practice herself
above seven years and a half.
My father, who was the immediate possessor of this sling before me,
told me the following anecdote:--
He was walking by the sea-shore at Harwich, with this sling in his
pocket; before his paces had covered a mile he was attacked by a
fierce animal called a seahorse, open-mouthed, who ran at him with
great fury; he hesitated a moment, then took out his sling, retreated
back about a hundred yards, stooped for a couple of pebbles, of which
there were plenty under his feet, and slung them both so dexterously
at the animal, that each stone put out an eye, and lodged in the
cavities which their removal had occasioned. He now got upon his back,
and drove him into the sea; for the moment he lost his sight he lost
also ferocity, and became as tame as possible: the sling was placed as
a bridle in his mouth; he was guided with the greatest facility across
the ocean, and in less than three hours they both arrived on the
opposite shore, which is about thirty leagues. The master of the
/Three Cups/, at Helvoetsluys, in Holland, purchased this marine
horse, to make an exhibition of, for seven hundred ducats, which was
upwards of three hundred pounds, and the next day my father paid his
passage back in the packet to Harwich.
/--My father made several curious observations in this passage, which
I will relate hereafter./
CHAPTER XII
/The frolic; its consequences--Windsor Castle--St. Paul's--College
of Physicians--Undertakers, sextons, &c., almost ruined--Industry
of the apothecaries./
THE FROLIC.
This famous sling makes the possessor equal to any task he is desirous
of performing.
I made a balloon of such extensive dimensions, that an account of the
silk it contained would exceed all credibility; every mercer's shop
and weaver's stock in London, Westminster, and Spitalfields
contributed to it: with this balloon and my sling I played many
tricks, such as taking one house from its station, and placing another
in its stead, without disturbing the inhabitants, who were generally
asleep, or too much employed to observe the peregrinations of their
habitations. When the sentinel at Windsor Castle heard St. Paul's
clock strike thirteen, it was through my dexterity; I brought the
buildings nearly together that night, by placing the castle in St.
George's Fields, and carried it back again before daylight, without
waking any of the inhabitants; notwithstanding these exploits, I
should have kept my balloon, and its properties a secret, if
Montgolfier had not made the art of flying so public.
On the 30th of September, when the College of Physicians chose their
annual officers, and dined sumptuously together, I filled my balloon,
brought it over the dome of their building, clapped the sling round
the golden ball at the top, fastening the other end of it to the
balloon, and immediately ascended with the whole college to an immense
height, where I kept them upwards of three months. You will naturally
inquire what they did for food such a length of time? To this I
answer, Had I kept them suspended twice the time, they would have
experienced no inconvenience on that account, so amply, or rather
extravagantly, had they spread their table for that day's feasting.
Though this was meant as an innocent frolic, it was productive of much
mischief to several respectable characters amongst the clergy,
undertakers, sextons, and grave-diggers: they were, it must be
acknowledged, sufferers; for it is a well-known fact, that during the
three months the college was suspended in the air, and therefore
incapable of attending their patients, no deaths happened, except a
few who fell before the scythe of Father Time, and some melancholy
objects who, perhaps to avoid some trifling inconvenience here, laid
the hands of violence upon themselves, and plunged into misery
infinitely greater than that which they hoped by such a rash step to
avoid, without a moment's consideration.
If the apothecaries had not been very active during the above time,
half the undertakers in all probability would have been bankrupts.
CHAPTER XIII
A TRIP TO THE NORTH
/The Baron sails with Captain Phipps, attacks two large bears, and
has a very narrow escape--Gains the confidence of these animals,
and then destroys thousands of them; loads the ship with their
hams and skins; makes presents of the former, and obtains a
general invitation to all city feasts--A dispute between the
Captain and the Baron, in which, from motives of politeness, the
Captain is suffered to gain his point--The Baron declines the
offer of a throne, and an empress into the bargain./
We all remember Captain Phipps's (now Lord Mulgrave) last voyage of
discovery to the north. I accompanied the captain, not as an officer,
but as a private friend. When we arrived in a high northern latitude I
was viewing the objects around me with the telescope which I
introduced to your notice in my Gibraltar adventures. I thought I saw
two large white bears in violent action upon a body of ice
considerably above the masts, and about half a league distance. I
immediately took my carbine, slung it across my shoulder, and ascended
the ice. When I arrived at the top, the unevenness of the surface made
my approach to those animals troublesome and hazardous beyond
expression: sometimes hideous cavities opposed me, which I was obliged
to spring over; in other parts the surface was as smooth as a mirror,
and I was continually falling: as I approached near enough to reach
them, I found they were only at play. I immediately began to calculate
the value of their skins, for they were each as large as a well-fed
ox: unfortunately, at the very instant I was presenting my carbine my
right foot slipped, I fell upon my back, and the violence of the blow
deprived me totally of my senses for nearly half an hour; however,
when I recovered, judge of my surprise at finding one of those large
animals I have been just describing had turned me upon my face, and
was just laying hold of the waistband of my breeches, which were then
new and made of leather: he was certainly going to carry me feet
foremost, God knows where, when I took this knife (showing a large
clasp knife) out of my side-pocket, made a chop at one of his hind
feet, and cut off three of his toes; he immediately let me drop and
roared most horribly. I took up my carbine and fired at him as he ran
off; he fell directly. The noise of the piece roused several thousand
of these white bears, who were asleep upon the ice within half a mile
of me; they came immediately to the spot. There was no time to be
lost. A most fortunate thought arrived in my pericranium just at that
instant. I took off the skin and head of the dead bear in half the
time that some people would be in skinning a rabbit, and wrapped
myself in it, placing my own head directly under Bruin's; the whole
herd came round me immediately, and my apprehensions threw me into a
most piteous situation to be sure: however, my scheme turned out a
most admirable one for my own safety. They all came smelling, and
evidently took me for a brother Bruin; I wanted nothing but bulk to
make an excellent counterfeit: however, I saw several cubs amongst
them not much larger than myself. After they had all smelt me, and the
body of their deceased companion, whose skin was now become my
protector, we seemed very sociable, and I found I could mimic all
their actions tolerably well; but at growling, roaring, and hugging
they were quite my masters. I began now to think that I might turn the
general confidence which I had created amongst these animals to my
advantage.
I had heard an old army surgeon say a wound in the spine was instant
death. I now determined to try the experiment, and had again recourse
to my knife, with which I struck the largest in the back of the neck,
near the shoulders, but under great apprehensions, not doubting but
the creature would, if he survived the stab, tear me to pieces.
However, I was remarkably fortunate, for he fell dead at my feet
without making the least noise. I was now resolved to demolish them
every one in the same manner, which I accomplished without the least
difficulty; for although they saw their companions fall, they had no
suspicion of either the cause or the effect. When they all lay dead
before me, I felt myself a second Samson, having slain my thousands.
To make short of the story, I went back to the ship, and borrowed
three parts of the crew to assist me in skinning them, and carrying
the hams on board, which we did in a few hours, and loaded the ship
with them. As to the other parts of the animals, they were thrown into
the sea, though I doubt not but the whole would eat as well as the
legs, were they properly cured.
As soon as we returned I sent some of the hams, in the captain's name,
to the Lords of Admiralty, others to the Lords of the Treasury, some
to the Lord Mayor and Corporation of London, a few to each of the
trading companies, and the remainder to my particular friends, from
all of whom I received warm thanks; but from the city I was honoured
with substantial notice, viz., an invitation to dine at Guildhall
annually on Lord Mayor's day.
The bear-skins I sent to the Empress of Russia, to clothe her majesty
and her court in the winter, for which she wrote me a letter of thanks
with her own hand, and sent it by an ambassador extraordinary,
inviting me to share the honours of her crown; but as I never was
ambitious of royal dignity, I declined her majesty's favour in the
politest terms. The same ambassador had orders to wait and bring my
answer to her majesty /personally/, upon which business he was absent
about three months: her majesty's reply convinced me of the strength
of her affections, and the dignity of her mind; her late indisposition
was entirely owing (as she, kind creature! was pleased to express
herself in a late conversation with the Prince Dolgoroucki) to my
cruelty. What the sex see in me I cannot conceive, but the Empress is
not the only female sovereign who has offered me her hand.
Some people have very illiberally reported that Captain Phipps did not
proceed as far as he might have done upon that expedition. Here it
becomes my duty to acquit him; our ship was in a very proper trim till
I loaded it with such an immense quantity of bear-skins and hams,
after which it would have been madness to have attempted to proceed
further, as we were now scarcely able to combat a brisk gale, much
less those mountains of ice which lay in the higher latitudes.
The captain has since often expressed a dissatisfaction that he had no
share in the honours of that day, which he emphatically called /bear-
skin day/. He has also been very desirous of knowing by what art I
destroyed so many thousands, without fatigue or danger to myself;
indeed, he is so ambitious of dividing the glory with me, that we have
actually quarrelled about it, and we are not now upon speaking terms.
He boldly asserts I had no merit in deceiving the bears, because I was
covered with one of their skins; nay, he declares there is not, in his
opinion, in Europe, so complete a bear naturally as himself among the
human species.
He is now a noble peer, and I am too well acquainted with good manners
to dispute so delicate a point with his lordship.
CHAPTER XIV
/Our Baron excels Baron Tott beyond all comparison, yet fails in
part of his attempt--Gets into disgrace with the Grand Seignior,
who orders his head to be cut off--Escapes, and gets on board a
vessel, in which he is carried to Venice--Baron Tott's origin,
with some account of that great man's parents--Pope Ganganelli's
amour--His Holiness fond of shell-fish./
Baron de Tott, in his Memoirs, makes as great a parade of a single act
as many travellers whose whole lives have been spent in seeing the
different parts of the globe; for my part, if I had been blown from
Europe to Asia from the mouth of a cannon, I should have boasted less
of it afterwards than he has done of only firing off a Turkish piece
of ordnance. What he says of this wonderful gun, as near as my memory
will serve me, is this:--"The Turks had placed below the castle, and
near the city, on the banks of Simois, a celebrated river, an enormous
piece of ordnance cast in brass, which would carry a marble ball of
eleven hundred pounds weight. I was inclined," says Tott, "to fire it,
but I was willing first to judge of its effect; the crowd about me
trembled at this proposal, as they asserted it would overthrow not
only the castle, but the city also; at length their fears in part
subsided, and I was permitted to discharge it. It required not less
than three hundred and thirty pounds' weight of powder, and the ball
weighed, as before mentioned, eleven hundredweight. When the engineer
brought the priming, the crowds who were about me retreated back as
fast as they could; nay, it was with the utmost difficulty I persuaded
the Pacha, who came on purpose, there was no danger: even the engineer
who was to discharge it by my direction was considerably alarmed. I
took my stand on some stone-work behind the cannon, gave the signal,
and felt a shock like that of earthquake! At the distance of three
hundred fathom the ball burst into three pieces; the fragments crossed
the strait, rebounded on the opposite mountain, and left the surface
of the water all in a foam through the whole breadth of the channel."
This, gentlemen, is, as near as I can recollect, Baron Tott's account
of the largest cannon in the known world. Now, when I was there not
long since, the anecdote of Tott's firing this tremendous piece was
mentioned as a proof of that gentleman's extraordinary courage.
I was determined not to be outdone by a Frenchman, therefore took this
very piece upon my shoulder, and, after balancing it properly, jumped
into the sea with it, and swam to the opposite shore, from whence I
unfortunately attempted to throw it back into its former place. I say
unfortunately, for it slipped a little in my hand just as I was about
to discharge it, and in consequence of that it fell into the middle of
the channel, where it now lies, without a prospect of ever recovering
it: and notwithstanding the high favour I was in with the Grand
Seignior, as before mentioned, this cruel Turk, as soon as he heard of
the loss of his famous piece of ordnance, issued an order to cut off
my head. I was immediately informed of it by one of the Sultanas, with
whom I was become a great favourite, and she secreted me in her
apartment while the officer charged with my execution was, with his
assistants, in search of me.
That very night I made my escape on board a vessel bound to Venice,
which was then weighing anchor to proceed on her voyage.
The last story, gentlemen, I am not fond of mentioning, as I
miscarried in the attempt, and was very near losing my life into the
bargain: however, as it contains no impeachment of my honour, I would
not withhold it from you.
Now, gentlemen, you all know me, and can have no doubt of my veracity.
I will entertain you with the origin of this same swaggering, bouncing
Tott.
His reputed father was a native of Berne, in Switzerland; his
profession was that of a surveyor of the streets, lanes, and alleys,
vulgarly called a scavenger. His mother was a native of the mountains
of Savoy, and had a most beautiful large wen on her neck, common to
both sexes in that part of the world; she left her parents when young,
and sought her fortune in the same city which gave his father birth;
she maintained herself while single by acts of kindness to our sex,
for she never was known to refuse them any favour they asked, provided
they did but pay her some compliment beforehand. This lovely couple
met by accident in the street, in consequence of their being both
intoxicated, for by reeling to one centre they threw each other down;
this created mutual abuse, in which they were complete adepts; they
were both carried to the watch-house, and afterwards to the house of
correction; they soon saw the folly of quarrelling, made it up, became
fond of each other, and married; but madam returning to her old
tricks, his father, who had high notions of honour, soon separated
himself from her; she then joined a family who strolled about with a
puppet-show. In time she arrived at Rome, where she kept an oyster-
stand. You have all heard, no doubt of Pope Ganganelli, commonly
called Clement XIV.: he was remarkably fond of oysters. One Good
Friday, as he was passing through this famous city in state, to assist
at high mass at St. Peter's Church, he saw this woman's oysters (which
were remarkably fine and fresh); he could not proceed without tasting
them. There were about five thousand people in his train; he ordered
them all to stop, and sent word to the church he could not attend mass
till next day; then alighting from his horse (for the Pope always
rides on horseback upon these occasions) he went into her stall, and
ate every oyster she had there, and afterwards retired into the cellar
where she had a few more. This subterraneous apartment was her
kitchen, parlour, and bed-chamber. He liked his situation so much that
he discharged all his attendants, and to make short of the story, His
Holiness passed the whole night there! Before they parted he gave her
absolution, not only for every sin she had, but all she might
hereafter commit.
/Now, gentlemen, I have his mother's word for it (and her honour
cannot be doubted), that Baron Tott is the fruit of that amour. When
Tott was born, his mother applied to His Holiness, as the father of
her child; he immediately placed him under the proper people, and as
he grew up gave him a gentleman's education, had him taught the use of
arms, procured him promotion in France, and a title, and when he died
he left him a good estate./
CHAPTER XV
/A further account of the journey from Harwich to Helvoetsluys--
Description of a number of marine objects never mentioned by any
traveller before--Rocks seen in this passage equal to the Alps in
magnitude; lobsters, crabs, &c., of an extraordinary magnitude--A
woman's life saved--The cause of her falling into the sea--Dr.
Hawes' directions followed with success./
I omitted several very material parts in my father's journey across
the English Channel to Holland, which, that they may not be totally
lost I will now faithfully give you in his own words, as I heard him
relate them to his friends several times.
"On my arrival," says my father, "at Helvoetsluys, I was observed to
breathe with some difficulty; upon the inhabitants inquiring into the
cause, I informed them that the animal upon whose back I rode from
Harwich across to their shore did not swim! Such is their peculiar
form and disposition, that they cannot float or move upon the surface
of the water; he ran with incredible swiftness upon the sands from the
shore, driving fish in millions before him, many of which were quite
different from any I had yet seen, carrying their heads at the
extremity of their tails. I crossed," continued he, "one prodigious
range of rocks, equal in height to the Alps (the tops or highest parts
of these marine mountains are said to be upwards of one hundred
fathoms below the surface of the sea), on the sides of which there was
a great variety of tall, noble trees, loaded with marine fruit, such
as lobsters, crabs, oysters, scollops, mussels, cockles, &c. &c.; some
of which were a cart-load singly! and none less than a porter's! All
those which are brought on shore and sold in our markets are of an
inferior dwarf kind, or, properly, waterfalls, /i.e./, fruit shook off
the branches of the tree it grows upon by the motion of the water, as
those in our gardens are by that of the wind! The lobster-trees
appeared the richest, but the crab and oysters were the tallest. The
periwinkle is a kind of shrub; it grows at the foot of the oyster-
tree, and twines round it as the ivy does the oak. I observed the
effect of several accidents by shipwreck, &c., particularly a ship
that had been wrecked by striking against a mountain or rock, the top
of which lay within three fathoms of the surface. As she sank she fell
upon her side, and forced a very large lobster-tree out of its place.
It was in the spring, when the lobsters were very young, and many of
them being separated by the violence of the shock, they fell upon a
crab-tree which was growing below them; they have, like the farina of
plants, united, and produced a fish resembling both. I endeavoured to
bring one with me, but it was too cumbersome, and my salt-water
Pegasus seemed much displeased at every attempt to stop his career
whilst I continued upon his back; besides, I was then, though
galloping over a mountain of rocks that lay about midway the passage,
at least five hundred fathom below the surface of the sea, and began
to find the want of air inconvenient, therefore I had no inclination
to prolong the time. Add to this, my situation was in other respects
very unpleasant; I met many large fish, who were, if I could judge by
their open mouths, not only able, but really wished to devour us; now,
as my Rosinante was blind, I had these hungry gentlemen's attempts to
guard against, in addition to my other difficulties.
"As we drew near the Dutch shore, and the body of water over our heads
did not exceed twenty fathoms, I thought I saw a human figure in a
female dress then lying on the sand before me with some signs of life;
when I came close I perceived her hand move: I took it into mine, and
brought her on shore as a corpse. An apothecary, who had just been
instructed by Dr. Hawes [the Baron's father must have lived very
lately if Dr. Hawes was his preceptor], of London, treated her
properly, and she recovered. She was the rib of a man who commanded a
vessel belonging to Helvoetsluys. He was just going out of port on a
voyage, when she, hearing he had got a mistress with him, followed him
in an open boat. As soon as she had got on the quarter-deck she flew
at her husband, and attempted to strike him with such impetuosity,
that he thought it most prudent to slip on one side, and let her make
the impression of her fingers upon the waves rather than his face: he
was not much out in his ideas of the consequence; for meeting no
opposition, she went directly overboard, and it was my unfortunate lot
to lay the foundation for bringing this happy pair together again.
"I can easily conceive what execrations the husband loaded me with
when, on his return, he found this gentle creature waiting his
arrival, and learned the means by which she came into the world again.
However, great as the injury is which I have done this poor devil, I
hope he will die in charity with me, as my motive was good, though the
consequences to him are, it must be confessed, horrible."
CHAPTER XVI
/This is a very short chapter, but contains a fact for which the
Baron's memory ought to be dear to every Englishman, especially
those who may hereafter have the misfortune of being made
prisoners of war./
On my return from Gibraltar I travelled by way of France to England.
Being a foreigner, this was not attended with any inconvenience to me.
I found, in the harbour of Calais, a ship just arrived with a number
of English sailors as prisoners of war. I immediately conceived an
idea of giving these brave fellows their liberty, which I accomplished
as follows:--After forming a pair of large wings, each of them forty
yards long, and fourteen wide, and annexing them to myself, I mounted
at break of day, when every creature, even the watch upon deck, was
fast asleep. As I hovered over the ship I fastened three grappling
irons to the tops of the three masts with my sling, and fairly lifted
her several yards out of the water, and then proceeded across to
Dover, where I arrived in half an hour! Having no further occasion for
these wings, I made them a present to the governor of Dover Castle,
where they are now exhibited to the curious.
As to the prisoners, and the Frenchmen who guarded them, they did not
awake till they had been near two hours on Dover Pier. The moment the
English understood their situation they changed places with their
guard, and took back what they had been plundered of, but no more, for
they were too generous to retaliate and plunder them in return.
CHAPTER XVII
/Voyage eastward--The Baron introduces a friend who never deceived
him: wins a hundred guineas by pinning his faith upon that
friend's nose--Game started at sea--Some other circumstances which
will, it is hoped, afford the reader no small degree of
amusement./
In a voyage which I made to the East Indies with Captain Hamilton, I
took a favourite pointer with me; he was, to use a common phrase,
worth his weight in gold, for he never deceived me. One day when we
were, by the best observations we could make, at least three hundred
leagues from land, my dog pointed; I observed him for near an hour
with astonishment, and mentioned the circumstance to the captain and
every officer on board, asserting that we must be near land, for my
dog smelt game. This occasioned a general laugh; but that did not
alter in the least the good opinion I had of my dog. After much
conversation pro and con, I boldly told the captain I placed more
confidence in Tray's nose than I did in the eyes of every seaman on
board, and therefore proposed laying the sum I had agreed to pay for
my passage (viz., one hundred guineas) that we should find game within
half an hour. The captain (a good, hearty fellow) laughed again,
desired Mr. Crowford the surgeon, who was prepared, to feel my pulse;
he did so, and reported me in perfect health. The following dialogue
between them took place; I overheard it, though spoken low, and at
some distance.
CAPTAIN
His brain is turned; I cannot with honour accept his wager.
SURGEON
I am of a different opinion; he is quite sane, and depends more upon
the scent of his dog than he will upon the judgment of all the
officers on board; he will certainly lose, and he richly merits it.
CAPTAIN
Such a wager cannot be fair on my side; however, I'll take him up, if
I return his money afterwards.
During the above conversation Tray continued in the same situation,
and confirmed me still more in my former opinion. I proposed the wager
a second time, it was then accepted.
Done! and done! were scarcely said on both sides, when some sailors
who were fishing in the long-boat, which was made fast to the stern of
the ship, harpooned an exceeding large shark, which they brought on
board and began to cut up for the purpose of barrelling the oil, when,
behold, they found no less than /six brace of live partridges/ in this
animal's stomach!
They had been so long in that situation, that one of the hens was
sitting upon four eggs, and a fifth was hatching when the shark was
opened!!! This young bird we brought up by placing it with a litter of
kittens that came into the world a few minutes before! The old cat was
as fond of it as of any of her own four-legged progeny, and made
herself very unhappy, when it flew out of her reach, till it returned
again. As to the other partridges, there were four hens amongst them;
one or more were, during the voyage, constantly sitting, and
consequently we had plenty of game at the captain's table; and in
gratitude to poor Tray (for being a means of winning one hundred
guineas) I ordered him the bones daily, and sometimes a whole bird.
CHAPTER XVIII
A SECOND TRIP TO THE MOON.
/A second visit (but an accidental one) to the moon--The ship
driven by a whirlwind a thousand leagues above the surface of the
water, where a new atmosphere meets them and carries them into a
capacious harbour in the moon--A description of the inhabitants,
and their manner of coming into the lunarian world--Animals,
customs, weapons of war, wine, vegetables, &c./
I have already informed you of one trip I made to the moon, in search
of my silver hatchet; I afterwards made another in a much pleasanter
manner, and stayed in it long enough to take notice of several things,
which I will endeavour to describe as accurately as my memory will
permit.
I went on a voyage of discovery at the request of a distant relation,
who had a strange notion that there were people to be found equal in
magnitude to those described by Gulliver in the empire of BROBDIGNAG.
For my part I always treated that account as fabulous: however, to
oblige him, for he had made me his heir, I undertook it, and sailed
for the South seas, where we arrived without meeting with anything
remarkable, except some flying men and women who were playing at leap-
frog, and dancing minuets in the air.
On the eighteenth day after we had passed the Island of Otaheite,
mentioned by Captain Cook as the place from whence they brought Omai,
a hurricane blew our ship at least one thousand leagues above the
surface of the water, and kept it at the height till a fresh gale
arising filled the sails in every part, and onwards we travelled at a
prodigious rate; thus we proceeded above the clouds for six weeks. At
last we discovered a great land in the sky, like a shining island,
round and bright, where, coming into a convenient harbour, we went on
shore, and soon found it was inhabited. Below us we saw another earth,
containing cities, trees, mountains, rivers, seas, &c., which we
conjectured was this world which we had left. Here we saw huge figures
riding upon vultures of a prodigious size, and each of them having
three heads. To form some idea of the magnitude of these birds, I must
inform you that each of their wings is as wide and six times the
length of the main sheet of our vessel, which was about six hundred
tons burthen. Thus, instead of riding upon horses, as we do in this
world, the inhabitants of the moon (for we now found we were in Madam
Luna) fly about on these birds. The king, we found, was engaged in a
war with the sun, and he offered me a commission, but I declined the
honour his majesty intended me. Everything in /this/ world is of
extraordinary magnitude! a common flea being much larger than one of
our sheep: in making war, their principal weapons are radishes, which
are used as darts: those who are wounded by them die immediately.
Their shields are made of mushrooms, and their darts (when radishes
are out of season) of the tops of asparagus. Some of the natives of
the dog-star are to be seen here; commerce tempts them to ramble;
their faces are like large mastiffs', with their eyes near the lower
end or tip of their noses: they have no eyelids, but cover their eyes
with the end of their tongues when they go to sleep; they are
generally twenty feet high. As to the natives of the moon, none of
them are less in stature than thirty-six feet: they are not called the
human species, but the cooking animals, for they all dress their food
by fire, as we do, but lose not time at their meals, as they open
their left side, and place the whole quantity at once in their
stomach, then shut it again till the same day in the next month; for
they never indulge themselves with food more than twelve times a year,
or once a month. All but gluttons and epicures must prefer this method
to ours.
There is but one sex either of the cooking or any other animals in the
moon; they are all produced from trees of various sizes and foliage;
that which produces the cooking animal, or human species, is much more
beautiful than any of the others; it has large straight boughs and
flesh-coloured leaves, and the fruit it produces are nuts or pods,
with hard shells at least two yards long; when they become ripe, which
is known from their changing colour, they are gathered with great
care, and laid by as long as they think proper: when they choose to
animate the seed of these nuts, they throw them into a large cauldron
of boiling water, which opens the shells in a few hours, and out jumps
the creature.
Nature forms their minds for different pursuits before they come into
the world; from one shell comes forth a warrior, from another a
philosopher, from a third a divine, from a fourth a lawyer, from a
fifth a farmer, from a sixth a clown, &c. &c., and each of them
immediately begins to perfect themselves, by practising what they
before knew only in theory.
When they grow old they do not die, but turn into air, and dissolve
like smoke! As for their drink, they need none; the only evacuations
they have are insensible, and by their breath. They have but one
finger upon each hand, with which they perform everything in as
perfect a manner as we do who have four besides the thumb. Their heads
are placed under their right arm, and when are going to travel, or
about any violent exercise, they generally leave them at home, for
they can consult them at any distance; this is a very common practice;
and when those of rank or quality among the Lunarians have an
inclination to see what's going forward among the common people, they
stay at home, /i.e./, the body stays at home, and sends the head only,
which is suffered to be present /incog./, and return at pleasure with
an account of what has passed.
The stones of their grapes are exactly like hail; and I am perfectly
satisfied that when a storm or high wind in the moon shakes their
vines, and breaks the grapes from the stalks, the stones fall down and
form our hail showers. I would advise those who are of my opinion to
save a quantity of these stones when it hails next, and make Lunarian
wine. It is a common beverage at St. Luke's. Some material
circumstances I had nearly omitted. They put their bellies to the same
use as we do a sack, and throw whatever they have occasion for into
it, for they can shut and open it again when they please, as they do
their stomachs; they are not troubled with bowels, liver, heart, or
any other intestines, neither are they encumbered with clothes, nor is
there any part of their bodies unseemly or indecent to exhibit.
Their eyes they can take in and out of their places when they please,
and can see as well with them in their hand as in their head! and if
by any accident they lose or damage one, they can borrow or purchase
another, and see as clearly with it as their own. Dealers in eyes are
on that account very numerous in most parts of the moon, and in this
article alone all the inhabitants are whimsical: sometimes green and
sometimes yellow eyes are the fashion. I know these things appear
strange; but if the shadow of a doubt can remain on any person's mind,
I say, let him take a voyage there himself, and then he will know I am
a traveller of veracity.
CHAPTER XIX
/The Baron crosses the Thames without the assistance of a bridge,
ship, boat, balloon, or even his own will: rouses himself after a
long nap, and destroys a monster who lived upon the destruction of
others./
My first visit to England was about the beginning of the present
king's reign. I had occasion to go down to Wapping, to see some goods
shipped, which I was sending to some friends at Hamburgh; after that
business was over, I took the Tower Wharf in my way back. Here I found
the sun very powerful, and I was so much fatigued that I stepped into
one of the cannon to compose me, where I fell fast asleep. This was
about noon: it was the fourth of June; exactly at one o'clock these
cannon were all discharged in memory of the day. They had been all
charged that morning, and having no suspicion of my situation, I was
shot over the houses on the opposite side of the river, into a
farmer's yard, between Bermondsey and Deptford, where I fell upon a
large hay-stack, without waking, and continued there in a sound sleep
till hay became so extravagantly dear (which was about three months
after), that the farmer found it his interest to send his whole stock
to market: the stack I was reposing upon was the largest in the yard,
containing above five hundred load; they began to cut that first. I
woke with the voices of the people who had ascended the ladders to
begin at the top, and got up, totally ignorant of my situation: in
attempting to run away I fell upon the farmer to whom the hay
belonged, and broke his neck, yet received no injury myself. I
afterwards found, to my great consolation, that this fellow was a most
detestable character, always keeping the produce of his grounds for
extravagant markets.
CHAPTER XX
/The Baron slips through the world: after paying a visit to Mount
Etna he finds himself in the South Sea; visits Vulcan in his
passage; gets on board a Dutchman; arrives at an island of cheese,
surrounded by a sea of milk; describes some very extraordinary
objects--Lose their compass; their ship slips between the teeth of
a fish unknown in this part of the world; their difficulty in
escaping from thence; arrive in the Caspian Sea--Starves a bear to
death--A few waistcoat anecdotes--In this chapter, which is the
longest, the Baron moralises upon the virtue of veracity./
Mr. Drybones' "Travels to Sicily," which I had read with great
pleasure, induced me to pay a visit to Mount Etna; my voyage to this
place was not attended with any circumstances worth relating. One
morning early, three or four days after my arrival, I set out from a
cottage where I had slept, within six miles of the foot of the
mountain, determined to explore the internal parts, if I perished in
the attempt. After three hours' hard labour I found myself at the top;
it was then, and had been for upwards of three weeks, raging: its
appearance in this state has been so frequently noticed by different
travellers, that I will not tire you with descriptions of objects you
are already acquainted with. I walked round the edge of the crater,
which appeared to be fifty times at least as capacious as the Devil's
Punch-Bowl near Petersfield, on the Portsmouth Road, but not so broad
at the bottom, as in that part it resembles the contracted part of a
funnel more than a punch-bowl. At last, having made up my mind, in I
sprang feet foremost; I soon found myself in a warm berth, and my body
bruised and burnt in various parts by the red-hot cinders, which, by
their violent ascent, opposed my descent: however, my weight soon
brought me to the bottom, where I found myself in the midst of noise
and clamour, mixed with the most horrid imprecations; after recovering
my senses, and feeling a reduction of my pain, I began to look about
me. Guess, gentlemen, my astonishment, when I found myself in the
company of Vulcan and his Cyclops, who had been quarrelling, for the
three weeks before mentioned, about the observation of good order and
due subordination, and which had occasioned such alarms for that space
of time in the world above. However, my arrival restored peace to the
whole society, and Vulcan himself did me the honour of applying
plasters to my wounds, which healed them immediately; he also placed
refreshments before me, particularly nectar, and other rich wines,
such as the gods and goddesses only aspire to. After this repast was
over Vulcan ordered Venus to show me every indulgence which my
situation required. To describe the apartment, and the couch on which
I reposed, is totally impossible, therefore I will not attempt it; let
it suffice to say, it exceeds the power of language to do it justice,
or speak of that kind-hearted goddess in any terms equal to her merit.
Vulcan gave me a very concise account of Mount Etna: he said it was
nothing more than an accumulation of ashes thrown from his forge; that
he was frequently obliged to chastise his people, at whom, in his
passion, he made it a practice to throw red-hot coals at home, which
they often parried with great dexterity, and then threw them up into
the world to place them out of his reach, for they never attempted to
assault him in return by throwing them back again. "Our quarrels,"
added he, "last sometimes three or four months, and these appearances
of coals or cinders in the world are what I find you mortals call
eruptions." Mount Vesuvius, he assured me, was another of his shops,
to which he had a passage three hundred and fifty leagues under the
bed of the sea, where similar quarrels produced similar eruptions. I
should have continued here as an humble attendant upon Madam Venus,
but some busy tattlers, who delight in mischief, whispered a tale in
Vulcan's ear, which roused in him a fit of jealousy not to be
appeased. Without the least previous notice he took me one morning
under his arm, as I was waiting upon Venus, agreeable to custom, and
carried me to an apartment I had never before seen, in which there
was, to all appearance, /a well/ with a wide mouth: over this he held
me at arm's length, and saying, "/Ungrateful mortal, return to the
world from whence you came/," without giving me the least opportunity
of reply, dropped me in the centre. I found myself descending with an
increasing rapidity, till the horror of my mind deprived me of all
reflection. I suppose I fell into a trance, from which I was suddenly
aroused by plunging into a large body of water illuminated by the rays
of the sun!!
I could, from my infancy, swim well, and play tricks in the water. I
now found myself in paradise, considering the horrors of mind I had
just been released from. After looking about me some time, I could
discover nothing but an expanse of sea, extending beyond the eye in
every direction; I also found it very cold, a different climate from
Master Vulcan's shop. At last I observed at some distance a body of
amazing magnitude, like a huge rock, approaching me; I soon discovered
it to be a piece of floating ice; I swam round it till I found a place
where I could ascend to the top, which I did, but not without some
difficulty. Still I was out of sight of land, and despair returned
with double force; however, before night came on I saw a sail, which
we approached very fast; when it was within a very small distance I
hailed them in German; they answered in Dutch. I then flung myself
into the sea, and they threw out a rope, by which I was taken on
board. I now inquired where we were, and was informed, in the great
Southern Ocean; this opened a discovery which removed all my doubts
and difficulties. It was now evident that I had passed from Mount Etna
through the centre of the earth to the South Seas: this, gentlemen,
was a much shorter cut than going round the world, and which no man
has accomplished, or ever attempted, but myself; however, the next
time I perform it I will be much more particular in my observations.
I took some refreshment, and went to rest. The Dutch are a very rude
sort of people; I related the Etna passage to the officers, exactly as
I have done to you, and some of them, particularly the Captain, seemed
by his grimace and half-sentence to doubt my veracity; however, as he
had kindly taken me on board his vessel, and was then in the very act
of administering to my necessities, I pocketed the affront.
I now in my turn began to inquire where they were bound? To which they
answered, they were in search of new discoveries; "/and if/," said
they, "/your story is true, a new passage is really discovered, and we
shall not return disappointed/." We were now exactly in Captain Cook's
first track, and arrived the next morning in Botany Bay. This place I
would by no means recommend to the English government as a receptacle
for felons, or place of punishment; it should rather be the reward of
merit, nature having most bountifully bestowed her best gifts upon it.
We stayed here but three days; the fourth after our departure a most
dreadful storm arose, which in a few hours destroyed all our sails,
splintered our bowsprit, and brought down our topmast; it fell
directly upon the box that enclosed our compass, which, with the
compass, was broken to pieces. Every one who has been at sea knows the
consequences of such a misfortune: we now were at a loss where to
steer. At length the storm abated, which was followed by a steady,
brisk gale, that carried us at least forty knots an hour for six
months! [we should suppose the Baron has made a little mistake, and
substituted /months/ for /days/] when we began to observe an amazing
change in everything about us: our spirits became light, our noses
were regaled with the most aromatic effluvia imaginable: the sea had
also changed its complexion, and from green became white!! Soon after
these wonderful alterations we saw land, and not at any great distance
an inlet, which we sailed up near sixty leagues, and found it wide and
deep, flowing with milk of the most delicious taste. Here we landed,
and soon found it was an island consisting of one large cheese: we
discovered this by one of the company fainting away as soon as we
landed: this man always had an aversion to cheese; when he recovered,
he desired the cheese to be taken from under his feet: upon
examination we found him perfectly right, for the whole island, as
before observed, was nothing but a cheese of immense magnitude! Upon
this the inhabitants, who are amazingly numerous, principally sustain
themselves, and it grows every night in proportion as it is consumed
in the day. Here seemed to be plenty of vines, with bunches of large
grapes, which, upon being pressed, yielded nothing but milk. We saw
the inhabitants running races upon the surface of the milk: they were
upright, comely figures, nine feet high, have three legs, and but one
arm; upon the whole, their form was graceful, and when they quarrel,
they exercise a straight horn, which grows in adults from the centre
of their foreheads, with great adroitness; they did not sink at all,
but ran and walked upon the surface of the milk, as we do upon a
bowling-green.
Upon this island of cheese grows great plenty of corn, the ears of
which produce loaves of bread, ready made, of a round form like
mushrooms. We discovered, in our rambles over this cheese, seventeen
other rivers of milk, and ten of wine.
After thirty-eight days' journey we arrived on the opposite side to
that on which we landed: here we found some blue mould, as cheese-
eaters call it, from whence spring all kinds of rich fruit; instead of
breeding mites it produced peaches, nectarines, apricots, and a
thousand delicious fruits which we are not acquainted with. In these
trees, which are of an amazing size, were plenty of birds' nests;
amongst others was a king-fisher's of prodigious magnitude; it was at
least twice the circumference of the dome of St. Paul's Church in
London. Upon inspection, this nest was made of huge trees curiously
joined together; there were, let me see (/for I make it a rule always
to speak within compass/), there were upwards of five hundred eggs in
the nest, and each of them was as large as four common hogsheads, or
eight barrels, and we could not only see, but hear the young ones
chirping within. Having, with great fatigue, cut open one of these
eggs, we let out a young one unfeathered, considerably larger than
twenty full-grown vultures. Just as we had given this youngster his
liberty the old kingfisher lighted, and seizing our captain, who had
been active in breaking the egg, in one of her claws, flew with him
above a mile high, and then let him drop into the sea, but not till
she had beaten all his teeth out of his mouth with her wings.
Dutchmen generally swim well: he soon joined us, and we retreated to
our ship. On our return we took a different route, and observed many
strange objects. We shot two wild oxen, each with one horn, also like
the inhabitants, except that it sprouted from between the eyes of
these animals; we were afterwards concerned at having destroyed them,
as we found, by inquiry, they tamed these creatures, and used them as
we do horses, to ride upon and draw their carriages; their flesh, we
were informed, is excellent, but useless where people live upon cheese
and milk. When we had reached within two days' journey of the ship we
observed three men hanging to a tall tree by their heels; upon
inquiring the cause of their punishment, I found they had all been
travellers, and upon their return home had deceived their friends by
describing places they never saw, and relating things that never
happened: this gave me no concern, /as I have ever confined myself to
facts/.
As soon as we arrived at the ship we unmoored, and set sail from this
extraordinary country, when, to our astonishment, all the trees upon
shore, of which there were a great number very tall and large, paid
their respects to us twice, bowing to exact time, and immediately
recovered their former posture, which was quite erect.
By what we could learn of this CHEESE, it was considerably larger than
the continent of all Europe!
After sailing three months we knew not where, being still without
compass, we arrived in a sea which appeared to be almost black: upon
tasting it we found it most excellent wine, and had great difficulty
to keep the sailors from getting drunk with it: however, in a few
hours we found ourselves surrounded by whales and other animals of an
immense magnitude, one of which appeared to be too large for the eye
to form a judgment of: we did not see him till we were close to him.
This monster drew our ship, with all her masts standing, and sails
bent, by suction into his mouth, between his teeth, which were much
larger and taller than the mast of a first-rate man-of-war. After we
had been in his mouth some time he opened it pretty wide, took in an
immense quantity of water, and floated our vessel, which was at least
500 tons burthen, into his stomach; here we lay as quiet as at anchor
in a dead calm. The air, to be sure, was rather warm, and very
offensive. We found anchors, cables, boats, and barges in abundance,
and a considerable number of ships, some laden and some not, which
this creature had swallowed. Everything was transacted by torch-light;
no sun, no moon, no planet, to make observations from. We were all
generally afloat and aground twice a-day; whenever he drank, it became
high water with us; and when he evacuated, we found ourselves aground;
upon a moderate computation, he took in more water at a single draught
than is generally to be found in the Lake of Geneva, though that is
above thirty miles in circumference. On the second day of our
confinement in these regions of darkness, I ventured at low water, as
we called it when the ship was aground, to ramble with the Captain,
and a few of the other officers, with lights in our hands; we met with
people of all nations, to the amount of upwards of ten thousand; they
were going to hold a council how to recover their liberty; some of
them having lived in this animal's stomach several years; there were
several children here who had never seen the world, their mothers
having lain in repeatedly in this warm situation. Just as the chairman
was going to inform us of the business upon which we were assembled,
this plaguy fish, becoming thirsty, drank in his usual manner; the
water poured in with such impetuosity, that we were all obliged to
retreat to our respective ships immediately, or run the risk of being
drowned; some were obliged to swim for it, and with difficulty saved
their lives. In a few hours after we were more fortunate, we met again
just after the monster had evacuated. I was chosen chairman, and the
first thing I did was to propose splicing two main-masts together, and
the next time he opened his mouth to be ready to wedge them in, so as
to prevent his shutting it. It was unanimously approved. One hundred
stout men were chosen upon this service. We had scarcely got our masts
properly prepared when an opportunity offered; the monster opened his
mouth, immediately the top of the mast was placed against the roof,
and the other end pierced his tongue, which effectually prevented him
from shutting his mouth. As soon as everything in his stomach was
afloat, we manned a few boats, who rowed themselves and us into the
world. The daylight, after, as near as we could judge, three months'
confinement in total darkness, cheered our spirits surprisingly. When
we had all taken our leave of this capacious animal, we mustered just
a fleet of ninety-five ships, of all nations, who had been in this
confined situation.
We left the two masts in his mouth, to prevent others being confined
in the same horrid gulf of darkness and filth. Our first object was to
learn what part of the world we were in; this we were for some time at
a loss to ascertain: at last I found, from former observations, that
we were in the Caspian Sea! which washes part of the country of the
Calmuck Tartars. How we came here is was impossible to conceive, as
this sea has no communication with any other. One of the inhabitants
of the Cheese Island, whom I had brought with me, accounted for it
thus:--that the monster in whose stomach we had been so long confined
had carried us here through some subterraneous passage; however, we
pushed to shore, and I was the first who landed. Just as I put my foot
upon the ground a large bear leaped upon me with its fore-paws; I
caught one in each hand, and squeezed him till he cried out most
lustily; however, in this position I held him till I starved him to
death. You may laugh, gentlemen, but this was soon accomplished, as I
prevented him licking his paws. From hence I travelled up to St.
Petersburg a second time: here an old friend gave me a most excellent
pointer, descended from the famous bitch before-mentioned, that
littered while she was hunting a hare. I had the misfortune to have
him shot soon after by a blundering sportsman, who fired at him
instead of a covey of partridges which he had just set. Of this
creature's skin I have had this waistcoat made (showing his
waistcoat), which always leads me involuntarily to game if I walk in
the fields in the proper season, and when I come within shot, /one of
the buttons constantly flies off, and lodges upon the spot where the
sport is/; and as the birds rise, being always primed and cocked, I
never miss them. Here are now but three buttons left. I shall have a
new set sewed on against the shooting season commences.
When a covey of partridges is disturbed in this manner, by the button
falling amongst them, they always rise from the ground in a direct
line before each other. I one day, by forgetting to take my ramrod out
of my gun, shot it straight through a leash, as regularly as if the
cook had spitted them. I had forgot to put in any shot, and the rod
had been made so hot with the powder, that the birds were completely
roasted by the time I reached home.
Since my arrival in England I have accomplished what I had very much
at heart, viz., providing for the inhabitant of the Cheese Island,
whom I had brought with me. My old friend, Sir William Chambers, who
is entirely indebted to me for all his ideas of Chinese gardening, by
a description of which he has gained such high reputation; I say,
gentlemen, in a discourse which I had with this gentlemen, he seemed
much distressed for a contrivance to light the lamps at the new
buildings, Somerset House; the common mode with ladders, he observed,
was both dirty and inconvenient. My native of the Cheese Island popped
into my head; he was only nine feet high when I first brought him from
his own country, but was now increased to ten and a half: I introduced
him to Sir William, and he is appointed to that honourable office. He
is also to carry, under a large cloak, a utensil in each coat pocket,
instead of those four which Sir William has /very properly/ fixed for
private purposes in so conspicuous a situation, the great quadrangle.
He has also obtained from Mr. PITT the situation of messenger to his
Majesty's lords of the bed-chamber, whose principal employment will
/now/ be, divulging the secrets of the Royal household to their
/worthy/ Patron.
SUPPLEMENT
/Extraordinary flight on the back of an eagle, over France to
Gibraltar, South and North America, the Polar Regions, and back to
England, within six-and-thirty hours./
About the beginning of his present Majesty's reign I had some business
with a distant relation who then lived on the Isle of Thanet; it was a
family dispute, and not likely to be finished soon. I made it a
practice during my residence there, the weather being fine, to walk
out every morning. After a few of these excursions I observed an
object upon a great eminence about three miles distant: I extended my
walk to it, and found the ruins of an ancient temple: I approached it
with admiration and astonishment; the traces of grandeur and
magnificence which yet remained were evident proofs of its former
splendour: here I could not help lamenting the ravages and
devastations of time, of which that once noble structure exhibited
such a melancholy proof. I walked round it several times, meditating
on the fleeting and transitory nature of all terrestrial things; on
the eastern end were the remains of a lofty tower, near forty feet
high, overgrown with ivy, the top apparently flat; I surveyed it on
every side very minutely, thinking that if I could gain its summit I
should enjoy the most delightful prospect of the circumjacent country.
Animated with this hope, I resolved, if possible, to gain the summit,
which I at length effected by means of the ivy, though not without
great difficulty and danger; the top I found covered with this
evergreen, except a large chasm in the middle. After I had surveyed
with pleasing wonder the beauties of art and nature that conspired to
enrich the scene, curiosity prompted me to sound the opening in the
middle, in order to ascertain its depth, as I entertained a suspicion
that it might probably communicate with some unexplored subterranean
cavern in the hill; but having no line I was at a loss how to proceed.
After revolving the matter in my thoughts for some time, I resolved to
drop a stone down and listen to the echo: having found one that
answered my purpose I placed myself over the hole, with one foot on
each side, and stooping down to listen, I dropped the stone, which I
had no sooner done than I heard a rustling below, and suddenly a
monstrous eagle put up its head right opposite my face, and rising up
with irresistible force, carried me away seated on its shoulders: I
instantly grasped it round the neck, which was large enough to fill my
arms, and its wings, when extended, were ten yards from one extremity
to the other. As it rose with a regular ascent, my seat was perfectly
easy, and I enjoyed the prospect below with inexpressible pleasure. It
hovered over Margate for some time, was seen by several people, and
many shots were fired at it; one ball hit the heel of my shoe, but did
me no injury. It then directed its course to Dover cliff, where it
alighted, and I thought of dismounting, but was prevented by a sudden
discharge of musketry from a party of marines that were exercising on
the beach; the balls flew about my head, and rattled on the feathers
of the eagle like hail-stones, yet I could not perceive it had
received any injury. It instantly reascended and flew over the sea
towards Calais, but so very high that the Channel seemed to be no
broader than the Thames at London Bridge. In a quarter of an hour I
found myself over a thick wood in France, where the eagle descended
very rapidly, which caused me to slip down to the back part of its
head; but alighting on a large tree, and raising its head, I recovered
my seat as before, but saw no possibility of disengaging myself
without the danger of being killed by the fall; so I determined to sit
fast, thinking it would carry me to the Alps, or some other high
mountain, where I could dismount without any danger. After resting a
few minutes it took wing, flew several times round the wood, and
screamed loud enough to be heard across the English Channel. In a few
minutes one of the same species arose out of the wood, and flew
directly towards us; it surveyed me with evident marks of displeasure,
and came very near me. After flying several times round, they both
directed their course to the south-west. I soon observed that the one
I rode upon could not keep pace with the other, but inclined towards
the earth, on account of my weight; its companion perceiving this,
turned round and placed itself in such a position that the other could
rest its head on its rump; in this manner they proceeded till noon,
when I saw the rock of Gibraltar very distinctly. The day being clear,
notwithstanding my degree of elevation, the earth's surface appeared
just like a map, where land, sea, lakes, rivers, mountains, and the
like were perfectly distinguishable; and having some knowledge of
geography, I was at no loss to determine what part of the globe I was
in.
Whilst I was contemplating this wonderful prospect a dreadful howling
suddenly began all around me, and in a moment I was invested by
thousands of small, black, deformed, frightful looking creatures, who
pressed me on all sides in such a manner that I could neither move
hand or foot: but I had not been in their possession more than ten
minutes when I heard the most delightful music that can possibly be
imagined, which was suddenly changed into a noise the most awful and
tremendous, to which the report of cannon, or the loudest claps of
thunder could bear no more proportion than the gentle zephyrs of the
evening to the most dreadful hurricane; but the shortness of its
duration prevented all those fatal effects which a prolongation of it
would certainly have been attended with.
The music commenced, and I saw a great number of the most beautiful
little creatures seize the other party, and throw them with great
violence into something like a snuff-box, which they shut down, and
one threw it away with incredible velocity; then turning to me, he
said they whom he had secured were a party of devils, who had wandered
from their proper habitation; and that the vehicle in which they were
enclosed would fly with unabating rapidity for ten thousand years,
when it would burst of its own accord, and the devils would recover
their liberty and faculties, as at the present moment. He had no
sooner finished this relation than the music ceased, and they all
disappeared, leaving me in a state of mind bordering on the confines
of despair.
When I had recomposed myself a little, and looking before me with
inexpressible pleasure, I observed that the eagles were preparing to
light on the peak of Teneriffe: they descended on the top of the rock,
but seeing no possible means of escape if I dismounted determined me
to remain where I was. The eagles sat down seemingly fatigued, when
the heat of the sun soon caused them both to fall asleep, nor did I
long resist its fascinating power. In the cool of the evening, when
the sun had retired below the horizon, I was roused from sleep by the
eagle moving under me; and having stretched myself along its back, I
sat up, and reassumed my travelling position, when they both took
wing, and having placed themselves as before, directed their course to
South America. The moon shining bright during the whole night, I had a
fine view of all the islands in those seas.
About the break of day we reached the great continent of America, that
part called Terra Firma, and descended on the top of a very high
mountain. At this time the moon, far distant in the west, and obscured
by dark clouds, but just afforded light sufficient for me to discover
a kind of shrubbery all around, bearing fruit something like cabbages,
which the eagles began to feed on very eagerly. I endeavoured to
discover my situation, but fogs and passing clouds involved me in the
thickest darkness, and what rendered the scene still more shocking was
the tremendous howling of wild beasts, some of which appeared to be
very near: however, I determined to keep my seat, imagining that the
eagle would carry me away if any of them should make a hostile
attempt. When daylight began to appear, I thought of examining the
fruit which I had seen the eagles eat, and as some was hanging which I
could easily come at, I took out my knife and cut a slice; but how
great was my surprise to see that it had all the appearance of roast
beef regularly mixed, both fat and lean! I tasted it, and found it
well flavoured and delicious, then cut several large slices and put in
my pocket, where I found a crust of bread which I had brought from
Margate; took it out, and found three musket-balls that had been
lodged in it on Dover cliff. I extracted them, and cutting a few
slices more, made a hearty meal of bread and cold beef fruit. I then
cut down two of the largest that grew near me, and tying them together
with one of my garters, hung them over the eagle's neck for another
occasion, filling my pockets at the same time. While I was settling
these affairs I observed a large fruit like an inflated bladder, which
I wished to try an experiment upon: and striking my knife into one of
them, a fine pure liquor like Hollands gin rushed out, which the
eagles observing, eagerly drank up from the ground. I cut down the
bladder as fast as I could, and saved about half a pint in the bottom
of it, which I tasted, and could not distinguish it from the best
mountain wine. I drank it all, and found myself greatly refreshed. By
this time the eagles began to stagger against the shrubs. I
endeavoured to keep my seat, but was soon thrown to some distance
among the bushes. In attempting to rise I put my hand upon a large
hedgehog, which happened to lie among the grass upon its back: it
instantly closed round my hand, so that I found it impossible to shake
it off. I struck it several times against the ground without effect;
but while I was thus employed I heard a rustling among the shrubbery,
and looking up, I saw a huge animal within three yards of me; I could
make no defence, but held out both my hands, when it rushed upon me,
and seized that on which the hedgehog was fixed. My hand being soon
relieved, I ran to some distance, where I saw the creature suddenly
drop down and expire with the hedgehog in its throat. When the danger
was past I went to view the eagles, and found them lying on the grass
fast asleep, being intoxicated with the liquor they had drank. Indeed,
I found myself considerably elevated by it, and seeing everything
quiet, I began to search for some more, which I soon found; and having
cut down two large bladders, about a gallon each, I tied them
together, and hung them over the neck of the other eagle, and the two
smaller ones I tied with a cord round my own waist. Having secured a
good stock of provisions, and perceiving the eagles begin to recover,
I again took my seat. In half an hour they arose majestically from the
place, without taking the least notice of their incumbrance. Each
reassumed its former station; and directing their course to the
northward, they crossed the Gulf of Mexico, entered North America, and
steered directly for the Polar regions, which gave me the finest
opportunity of viewing this vast continent that can possibly be
imagined.
Before we entered the frigid zone the cold began to affect me; but
piercing one of my bladders, I took a draught, and found that it could
make no impression on me afterwards. Passing over Hudson's Bay, I saw
several of the Company's ships lying at anchor, and many tribes of
Indians marching with their furs to market.
By this time I was so reconciled to my seat, and become such an expert
rider, that I could sit up and look around me; but in general I lay
along the eagle's neck, grasping it in my arms, with my hands immersed
in its feathers, in order to keep them warm.
In those cold climates I observed that the eagles flew with greater
rapidity, in order, I suppose, to keep their blood in circulation. In
passing Baffin's Bay I saw several large Greenlandmen to the eastward,
and many surprising mountains of ice in those seas.
While I was surveying these wonders of nature it occurred to me that
this was a good opportunity to discover the north-west passage, if any
such thing existed, and not only obtain the reward offered by
government, but the honour of a discovery pregnant with so many
advantages to every European nation. But while my thoughts were
absorbed in this pleasing reverie I was alarmed by the first eagle
striking its head against a solid transparent substance, and in a
moment that which I rode experienced the same fate, and both fell down
seemingly dead.
Here our lives must inevitably have terminated, had not a sense of
danger, and the singularity of my situation, inspired me with a degree
of skill and dexterity which enabled us to fall near two miles
perpendicular with as little inconveniency as if we had been let down
with a rope: for no sooner did I perceive the eagles strike against a
frozen cloud, which is very common near the poles, than (they being
close together) I laid myself along the back of the foremost, and took
hold of its wings to keep them extended, at the same time stretching
out my legs behind to support the wings of the other. This had the
desired effect, and we descended very safe on a mountain of ice, which
I supposed to be about three miles above the level of the sea.
I dismounted, unloaded the eagles, opened one of the bladders, and
administered some of the liquor to each of them, without once
considering that the horrors of destruction seemed to have conspired
against me. The roaring of waves, crashing of ice, and the howling of
bears, conspired to form a scene the most awful and tremendous: but
notwithstanding this, my concern for the recovery of the eagles was so
great, that I was insensible of the danger to which I was exposed.
Having rendered them every assistance in my power, I stood over them
in painful anxiety, fully sensible that it was only by means of them
that I could possibly be delivered from these abodes of despair.
But suddenly a monstrous bear began to roar behind me, with a voice
like thunder. I turned round, and seeing the creature just ready to
devour me, having the bladder of liquor in my hands, through fear I
squeezed it so hard, that it burst, and the liquor flying in the eyes
of the animal, totally deprived it of sight. It instantly turned from
me, ran away in a state of distraction, and soon fell over a precipice
of ice into the sea, where I saw it no more.
The danger being over, I again turned my attention to the eagles, whom
I found in a fair way of recovery, and suspecting that they were faint
for want of victuals, I took one of the beef fruit, cut it into small
slices, and presented them with it, which they devoured with avidity.
Having given them plenty to eat and drink, and disposed of the
remainder of my provision, I took possession of my seat as before.
After composing myself, and adjusting everything in the best manner, I
began to eat and drink very heartily; and through the effects of the
mountain wine, as I called it, was very cheerful, and began to sing a
few verses of a song which I had learned when I was a boy: but the
noise soon alarmed the eagles, who had been asleep, through the
quantity of liquor which they had drank, and they rose seemingly much
terrified. Happily for me, however, when I was feeding them I had
accidentally turned their heads towards the south-east, which course
they pursued with a rapid motion. In a few hours I saw the Western
Isles, and soon after had the inexpressible pleasure of seeing Old
England. I took no notice of the seas or islands over which I passed.
The eagles descended gradually as they drew near the shore, intending,
as I supposed, to alight on one of the Welsh mountains; but when they
came to the distance of about sixty yards two guns were fired at them,
loaded with balls, one of which took place in a bladder of liquor that
hung to my waist; the other entered the breast of the foremost eagle,
who fell to the ground, while that which I rode, having received no
injury, flew away with amazing swiftness.
This circumstance alarmed me exceedingly, and I began to think it was
impossible for me to escape with my life; but recovering a little, I
once more looked down upon the earth, when, to my inexpressible joy, I
saw Margate at a little distance, and the eagle descending on the old
tower whence it had carried me on the morning of the day before. It no
sooner came down than I threw myself off, happy to find that I was
once more restored to the world. The eagle flew away in a few minutes,
and I sat down to compose my fluttering spirits, which I did in a few
hours.
I soon paid a visit to my friends, and related these adventures.
Amazement stood in every countenance; their congratulations on my
returning in safety were repeated with an unaffected degree of
pleasure, and we passed the evening as we are doing now, every person
present paying the highest compliments to my COURAGE and VERACITY.
THE SECOND VOLUME
PREFACE
TO THE SECOND VOLUME
Baron Munchausen has certainly been productive of much benefit to the
literary world; the numbers of egregious travellers have been such,
that they demanded a very Gulliver to surpass them. If Baron de Tott
dauntlessly discharged an enormous piece of artillery, the Baron
Munchausen has done more; he has taken it and swam with it across the
sea. When travellers are solicitous to be the heroes of their own
story, surely they must admit to superiority, and blush at seeing
themselves out-done by the renowned Munchausen: I doubt whether any
one hitherto, Pantagruel, Gargantua, Captain Lemuel, or De Tott, has
been able to out-do our Baron in this species of excellence: and as at
present our curiosity seems much directed to the interior of Africa,
it must be edifying to have the real relation of Munchausen's
adventures there before any further intelligence arrives; for he seems
to adapt himself and his exploits to the spirit of the times, and
recounts what he thinks should be most interesting to his auditors.
I do not say that the Baron, in the following stories, means a satire
on any political matters whatever. No; but if the reader understands
them so, I cannot help it.
If the Baron meets with a parcel of negro ships carrying whites into
slavery to work upon their plantations in a cold climate, should we
therefore imagine that he intends a reflection on the present traffic
in human flesh? And that, if the negroes should do so, it would be
simple justice, as retaliation is the law of God! If we were to think
this a reflection on any present commercial or political matter, we
should be tempted to imagine, perhaps, some political ideas conveyed
in every page, in every sentence of the whole. Whether such things are
or are not the intentions of the Baron the reader must judge.
We have had not only wonderful travellers in this vile world, but
splenetic travellers, and of these not a few, and also conspicuous
enough. It is a pity, therefore, that the Baron has not endeavoured to
surpass them also in this species of story-telling. Who is it can read
the travels of Smellfungus, as Sterne calls him, without admiration?
To think that a person from the North of Scotland should travel
through some of the finest countries in Europe, and find fault with
everything he meets--nothing to please him! And therefore, methinks,
the Tour to the Hebrides is more excusable, and also perhaps Mr.
Twiss's Tour in Ireland. Dr. Johnson, bred in the luxuriance of
London, with more reason should become cross and splenetic in the
bleak and dreary regions of the Hebrides.
The Baron, in the following work, seems to be sometimes philosophical;
his account of the language of the interior of Africa, and its analogy
with that of the inhabitants of the moon, show him to be profoundly
versed in the etymological antiquities of nations, and throw new light
upon the abstruse history of the ancient Scythians, and the
Collectanea.
His endeavour to abolish the custom of eating live flesh in the
interior of Africa, as described in Bruce's Travels, is truly humane.
But far be it from me to suppose, that by Gog and Magog and the Lord
Mayor's show he means a satire upon any person or body of persons
whatever: or, by a tedious litigated trial of blind judges and dumb
matrons following a wild goose chase all round the world, he should
glance at any trial whatever.
Nevertheless, I must allow that it was extremely presumptuous in
Munchausen to tell half the sovereigns of the world that they were
wrong, and advise them what they ought to do; and that instead of
ordering millions of their subjects to massacre one another, it would
be more to their interest to employ their forces in concert for the
general good; as if he knew better than the Empress of Russia, the
Grand Vizier, Prince Potemkin, or any other butcher in the world. But
that he should be a royal Aristocrat, and take the part of the injured
Queen of France in the present political drama, I am not at all
surprised; but I suppose his mind was fired by reading the pamphlet
written by Mr. Burke.
CHAPTER XXI
/The Baron insists on the veracity of his former Memoirs--Forms a
design of making discoveries in the interior parts of Africa--His
discourse with Hilaro Frosticos about it--His conversation with
Lady Fragrantia--The Baron goes, with other persons of
distinction, to Court; relates an anecdote of the Marquis de
Bellecourt./
All that I have related before, said the Baron, is gospel; and if
there be any one so hardy as to deny it, I am ready to fight him with
any weapon he pleases. Yes, cried he, in a more elevated tone, as he
started from his seat, I will condemn him to swallow this decanter,
glass and all perhaps, and filled with kerren-wasser [a kind of ardent
spirit distilled from cherries, and much used in some parts of
Germany]. Therefore, my dear friends and companions, have confidence
in what I say, and pay honour to the tales of Munchausen. A traveller
has a right to relate and embellish his adventures as he pleases, and
it is very unpolite to refuse that deference and applause they
deserve.
Having passed some time in England since the completion of my former
memoirs, I at length began to revolve in my mind what a prodigious
field of discovery must be in the interior part of Africa. I could not
sleep with the thoughts of it; I therefore determined to gain every
proper assistance from Government to penetrate the celebrated source
of the Nile, and assume the viceroyship of the interior kingdoms of
Africa, or, at least, the great realm of Monomotapa. It was happy for
me that I had one most powerful friend at court, whom I shall call the
illustrious Hilaro Frosticos. You perchance know him not by that name;
but we had a language among ourselves, as well we may, for in the
course of my peregrinations I have acquired precisely nine hundred and
ninety-nine leash of languages. What! gentlemen, do you stare? Well, I
allow there are not so many languages spoken in this vile world; but
then, have I not been in the moon? and trust me, whenever I write a
treatise upon education, I shall delineate methods of inculcating
whole dozens of languages at once, French, Spanish, Greek, Hebrew,
Cherokee, &c., in such a style as will shame all the pedagogues
existing.
Having passed a whole night without being able to sleep for the vivid
imagination of African discoveries, I hastened to the levee of my
illustrious friend Hilaro Frosticos, and having mentioned my intention
with all the vigour of fancy, he gravely considered my words, and
after some awful meditations thus he spoke: /Olough, ma genesat, istum
fullanah, cum dera kargos belgarasah eseum balgo bartigos
triangulissimus!/ However, added he, it behoveth thee to consider and
ponder well upon the perils and the multitudinous dangers in the way
of that wight who thus advanceth in all the perambulation of
adventures: and verily, most valiant sire and Baron, I hope thou wilt
demean thyself with all that laudable gravity and precaution which, as
is related in the three hundred and forty-seventh chapter of the
Prophilactics, is of more consideration than all the merit in this
terraqueous globe. Yes, most truly do I advise thee unto thy good, and
speak unto thee, most valiant Munchausen, with the greatest esteem,
and wish thee to succeed in thy voyage; for it is said, that in the
interior realms of Africa there are tribes that can see but just three
inches and a half beyond the extremity of their noses; and verily thou
shouldest moderate thyself, even sure and slow; they stumble who walk
fast. But we shall bring you unto the Lady Fragrantia, and have her
opinion of the matter. He then took from his pocket a cap of dignity,
such as described in the most honourable and antique heraldry, and
placing it upon my head, addressed me thus:--"As thou seemest again to
revive the spirit of ancient adventure, permit me to place upon thy
head this favour, as a mark of the esteem in which I hold thy valorous
disposition."
The Lady Fragrantia, my dear friends, was one of the most divine
creatures in all Great Britain, and was desperately in love with me.
She was drawing my portrait upon a piece of white satin, when the most
noble Hilaro Frosticos advanced. He pointed to the cap of dignity
which he had placed upon my head. "I do declare, Hilaro," said the
lovely Fragrantia, "'tis pretty, 'tis interesting; I love you, and I
like you, my dear Baron," said she, putting on another plume: "this
gives it an air more delicate and more fantastical. I do thus, my dear
Munchausen, as your friend, yet you can reject or accept my present
just as you please; but I like the fancy, 'tis a good one, and I mean
to improve it: and against whatever enemies you go, I shall have the
sweet satisfaction to remember you bear my favour on your head!"
I snatched it with trepidation, and gracefully dropping on my knees, I
three times kissed it with all the rapture of romantic love. "I
swear," cried I, "by thy bright eyes, and by the lovely whiteness of
thine arm, that no savage, tyrant, or enemy upon the face of the earth
shall despoil me of this favour, while one drop of the blood of the
Munchausens doth circulate in my veins! I will bear it triumphant
through the realms of Africa, whither I now intend my course, and make
it respected, even in the court of Prester John."
"I admire your spirit," replied she, "and shall use my utmost interest
at court to have you despatched with every pomp, and as soon as
possible; but here comes a most brilliant company indeed, Lady
Carolina Wilhelmina Amelia Skeggs, Lord Spigot, and Lady Faucet, and
the Countess of Belleair."
After the ceremonies of introduction to this company were over, we
proceeded to consult upon the business; and as the cause met with
general applause, it was immediately determined that I should proceed
without delay, as soon as I obtained the sovereign approbation. "I am
convinced," said Lord Spigot, "that if there be any thing really
unknown and worthy of our most ardent curiosity, it must be in the
immense regions of Africa; that country, which seems to be the oldest
on the globe, and yet with the greater part of which we are almost
utterly unacquainted; what prodigious wealth of gold and diamonds must
not lie concealed in those torrid regions, when the very rivers on the
coast pour forth continual specimens of golden sand! 'Tis my opinion,
therefore, that the Baron deserves the applause of all Europe for his
spirit, and merits the most powerful assistance of the sovereign."
So flattering an approbation, you may be sure, was delightful to my
heart, and with every confidence and joy I suffered them to take me to
court that instant. After the usual ceremonies of introduction,
suffice it to say that I met with every honour and applause that my
most sanguine expectations could demand. I had always a taste for the
fashionable /je ne sais quoi/ of the most elegant society, and in the
presence of all the sovereigns of Europe I ever found myself quite at
home, and experienced from the whole court the most flattering esteem
and admiration. I remember, one particular day, the fate of the
unfortunate Marquis de Bellecourt. The Countess of Rassinda, who
accompanied him, looked most divinely. "Yes, I am confident," said the
Marquis de Bellecourt to me, "that I have acted according to the
strictest sentiments of justice and of loyalty to my sovereign. What
stronger breast-plate than a heart untainted? and though I did not
receive a word nor a look, yet I cannot think--no, it were impossible
to be misrepresented. Conscious of my own integrity, I will try again
--I will go boldly up." The Marquis de Bellecourt saw the opportunity;
he advanced three paces, put his hand upon his breast and bowed.
"Permit me," said he, "with the most profound respect, to----." His
tongue faltered--he could scarcely believe his sight, for at that
moment the whole company were moving out of the room. He found himself
almost alone, deserted by every one. "What!" said he, "and did he turn
upon his heel with the most marked contempt? Would he not speak to me?
Would he not even hear me utter a word in my defence?" His heart died
within him--not even a look, a smile from any one. "My friends! Do
they not know me? Do they not see me? Alas! they fear to catch the
contagion of my----. Then," said he, "adieu!--'tis more than I can
bear. I shall go to my country seat, and never, never will return.
Adieu, fond court, adieu!--"
The venerable Marquis de Bellecourt stopped for a moment ere he
entered his carriage. Thrice he looked back, and thrice he wiped the
starting tear from his eye. "Yes," said he, "for once, at least, truth
shall be found--in the bottom of a well!"
Peace to thy ghost, most noble marquis! a King of kings shall pity
thee; and thousands who are yet unborn shall owe their happiness to
thee, and have cause to bless the thousands, perhaps, that shall never
even know thy name; but Munchausen's self shall celebrate thy glory!
CHAPTER XXII
/Preparations for the Baron's expedition into Africa--Description
of his chariot; the beauties of its interior decorations; the
animals that drew it, and the mechanism of the wheels./
Everything being concluded, and having received my instructions for
the voyage, I was conducted by the illustrious Hilaro Frosticos, the
Lady Fragrantia, and a prodigious crowd of nobility, and placed
sitting upon the summit of the whale's bones at the palace; and having
remained in this situation for three days and three nights, as a trial
ordeal, and a specimen of my perseverance and resolution, the third
hour after midnight they seated me in the chariot of Queen Mab. It was
a prodigious dimension, large enough to contain more stowage than the
tun of Heidelberg, and globular like a hazel-nut: in fact, it seemed
to be really a hazel-nut grown to a most extravagant dimension, and
that a great worm of proportionable enormity had bored a hole in the
shell. Through this same entrance I was ushered. It was as large as a
coach-door, and I took my seat in the centre, a kind of chair self-
balanced without touching anything, like the fancied tomb of Mahomet.
The whole interior surface of the nutshell appeared a luminous
representation of all the stars of heaven, the fixed stars, the
planets, and a comet. The stars were as large as those worn by our
first nobility, and the comet, excessively brilliant, seemed as if you
had assembled all the eyes of the beautiful girls in the kingdom, and
combined them, like a peacock's plumage, into the form of a comet--
that is, a globe, and a bearded tail to it, diminishing gradually to a
point. This beautiful constellation seemed very sportive and
delightful. It was much in the form of a tadpole! and, without
ceasing, went, full of playful giddiness, up and down, all over the
heaven on the concave surface of the nutshell. One time it would be at
that part of the heavens under my feet, and in the next minute would
be over my head. It was never at rest, but for ever going east, west,
north, or south, and paid no more respect to the different worlds than
if they were so many lanterns without reflectors. Some of them he
would dash against and push out of their places; others he would burn
up and consume to ashes: and others again he would split into
fritters, and their fragments would instantly take a globular form,
like spilled quicksilver, and become satellites to whatever other
worlds they should happen to meet with in their career. In short, the
whole seemed an epitome of the creation, past, present, and future;
and all that passes among the stars during one thousand years was here
generally performed in as many seconds.
I surveyed all the beauties of the chariot with wonder and delight.
"Certainly," cried I, "this is heaven in miniature!" In short, I took
the reins in my hand. But before I proceed on my adventures, I shall
mention the rest of my attendant furniture. The chariot was drawn by a
team of nine bulls harnessed to it, three after three. In the first
rank was a most tremendous bull named John Mowmowsky; the rest were
called Jacks in general, but not dignified by any particular
denomination. They were all shod for the journey, not indeed like
horses, with iron, or as bullocks commonly are, to drag on a cart; but
were shod with men's skulls. Each of their feet was, hoof and all,
crammed into a man's head, cut off for the purpose, and fastened
therein with a kind of cement or paste, so that the skull seemed to be
a part of the foot and hoof of the animal. With these skull-shoes the
creatures could perform astonishing journeys, and slide upon the
water, or upon the ocean, with great velocity. The harnesses were
fastened with golden buckles, and decked with studs in a superb style,
and the creatures were ridden by nine postillions, crickets of a great
size, as large as monkeys, who sat squat upon the heads of the bulls,
and were continually chirping at a most infernal rate, loud in
proportion to their bodies.
The wheels of the chariot consisted of upwards of ten thousand
springs, formed so as to give the greater impetuosity to the vehicle,
and were more complex than a dozen clocks like that of Strasburgh. The
external of the chariot was adorned with banners, and a superb festoon
of laurel that formerly shaded me on horseback. And now, having given
you a very concise description of my machine for travelling into
Africa, which you must allow to be far superior to the apparatus of
Monsieur Vaillant, I shall proceed to relate the exploits of my
voyage.
CHAPTER XXIII
/The Baron proceeds on his voyage--Convoys a squadron to Gibraltar
--Declines the acceptance of the island of Candia--His chariot
damaged by Pompey's Pillar and Cleopatra's Needle--The Baron out-
does Alexander--Breaks his chariot, and splits a great rock at the
Cape of Good Hope./
Taking the reins in my hand, while the music gave a general salute, I
cracked my whip, away they went, and in three hours I found myself
just between the Isle of Wight and the main land of England. Here I
remained four days, until I had received part of my accompaniment,
which I was ordered to take under my convoy. 'Twas a squadron of men-
of-war that had been a long time prepared for the Baltic, but which
were now destined for the Mediterranean. By the assistance of large
hooks and eyes, exactly such as are worn in our hats, but of a greater
size, some hundredweight each, the men-of-war hooked themselves on to
the wheels of the vehicle: and, in fact, nothing could be more simple
or convenient, because they could be hooked or unhooked in an instant
with the utmost facility. In short, having given a general discharge
of their artillery, and three cheers, I cracked my whip, away we went,
helter skelter, and in six jiffies I found myself and all my retinue
safe and in good spirits just at the rock of Gibraltar. Here I
unhooked my squadron, and having taken an affectionate leave of the
officers, I suffered them to proceed in their ordinary manner to the
place of their destination. The whole garrison were highly delighted
with the novelty of my vehicle; and at the pressing solicitations of
the governor and officers I went ashore, and took a view of that
barren old rock, about which more powder has been fired away than
would purchase twice as much fertile ground in any part of the world!
Mounting my chariot, I took the reins, and again made forward, in mad
career, down the Mediterranean to the isle of Candia. Here I received
despatches from the Sublime Porte, entreating me to assist in the war
against Russia, with a reward of the whole island of Candia for my
alliance. At first I hesitated, thinking that the island of Candia
would be a most valuable acquisition to the sovereign who at that time
employed me, and that the most delicious wines, sugar, &c., in
abundance would flourish on the island; yet, when I considered the
trade of the East India Company, which would most probably suffer by
the intercourse with Persia through the Mediterranean, I at once
rejected the proposal, and had afterwards the thanks of the Honourable
the House of Commons for my propriety and political discernment.
Having been properly refreshed at Candia, I again proceeded, and in a
short time arrived in the land of Egypt. The land of this country, at
least that part of it near the sea, is very low, so that I came upon
it ere I was aware, and the Pillar of Pompey got entangled in the
various wheels of the machine, and damaged the whole considerably.
Still I drove on through thick and thin, till, passing over that great
obelisk, the Needle of Cleopatra, the work got entangled again, and
jolted at a miserable rate over the mud and swampy ground of all that
country; yet my poor bulls trotted on with astonishing labour across
the Isthmus of Suez into the Red Sea, and left a track, an obscure
channel, which has since been taken by De Tott for the remains of a
canal cut by some of the Ptolemies from the Red Sea to the
Mediterranean; but, as you perceive, was in reality no more than the
track of my chariot, the car of Queen Mab.
As the artists at present in that country are nothing wonderful,
though the ancient Egyptians, 'tis said, were most astonishing
fellows, I could not procure any new coach-springs, or have a
possibility of setting my machine to rights in the kingdom of Egypt;
and as I could not presume to attempt another journey overland, and
the great mountains of marble beyond the source of the Nile, I thought
it most eligible to make the best way I could, by sea, to the Cape of
Good Hope, where I supposed I should get some Dutch smiths and
carpenters, or perhaps some English artists; and my vehicle being
properly repaired, it was my intention thence to proceed, overland,
through the heart of Africa. The surface of the water, I well knew,
afforded less resistance to the wheels of the machine--it passed along
the waves like the chariot of Neptune; and in short, having gotten
upon the Red Sea, we scudded away to admiration through the pass of
Babelmandeb to the great Western coast of Africa, where Alexander had
not the courage to venture.
And really, my friends, if Alexander had ventured toward the Cape of
Good Hope he most probably would have never returned. It is difficult
to determine whether there were then any inhabitants in the more
southern parts of Africa or not; yet, at any rate, this conqueror of
the world would have made but a nonsensical adventure; his miserable
ships, not contrived for a long voyage, would have become leaky, and
foundered, before he could have doubled the Cape, and left his Majesty
fairly beyond the limits of the then known world. Yet it would have
been an august exit for an Alexander, after having subdued Persia and
India, to be wandering the Lord knows where, to Jup or Ammon, perhaps,
or on a voyage to the moon, as an Indian chief once said to Captain
Cook.
But, for my part, I was far more successful than Alexander; I drove on
with the most amazing rapidity, and thinking to halt on shore at the
Cape, I unfortunately drove too close, and shattered the right side
wheels of my vehicle against the rock, now called the Table Mountain.
The machine went against it with such impetuosity as completely
shivered the rock in a horizontal direction; so that the summit of the
mountain, in the form of a semi-sphere, was knocked into the sea, and
the steep mountain becoming thereby flattened at the top, has since
received the name of the Table Mountain, from its similarity to that
piece of furniture.
Just as this part of the mountain was knocked off, the ghost of the
Cape, that tremendous sprite which cuts such a figure in the Lusiad,
was discovered sitting squat in an excavation formed for him in the
centre of the mountain. He seemed just like a young bee in his little
cell before he comes forth, or like a bean in a bean-pod; and when the
upper part of the mountain was split across and knocked off, the
superior half of his person was discovered. He appeared of a bottle-
blue colour, and started, dazzled with the unexpected glare of the
light: hearing the dreadful rattle of the wheels, and the loud
chirping of the crickets, he was thunder-struck, and instantly giving
a shriek, sunk down ten thousand fathoms into the earth, while the
mountain, vomiting out some smoke, silently closed up, and left not a
trace behind!
CHAPTER XXIV
/The Baron secures his chariot, &c., at the Cape and takes his
passage for England in a homeward-bound Indiaman--Wrecked upon an
island of ice, near the coast of Guinea--Escapes from the wreck,
and rears a variety of vegetables upon the island--Meets some
vessels belonging to the negroes bringing white slaves from
Europe, in retaliation, to work upon their plantations in a cold
climate near the South Pole--Arrives in England, and lays an
account of his expedition before the Privy Council--Great
preparations for a new expedition--The Sphinx, Gog and Magog, and
a great company attend him--The ideas of Hilaro Frosticos
respecting the interior parts of Africa./
I perceived with grief and consternation the miscarriage of all my
apparatus; yet I was not absolutely dejected: a great mind is never
known but in adversity. With permission of the Dutch governor the
chariot was properly laid up in a great storehouse, erected at the
water's edge, and the bulls received every refreshment possible after
so terrible a voyage. Well, you may be sure they deserved it, and
therefore every attendance was engaged for them, until I should
return.
As it was not possible to do anything more I took my passage in a
homeward-bound Indiaman, to return to London, and lay the matter
before the Privy Council.
We met with nothing particular until we arrived upon the coast of
Guinea, where, to our utter astonishment, we perceived a great hill,
seemingly of glass, advancing against us in the open sea; the rays of
the sun were reflected upon it with such splendour, that it was
extremely difficult to gaze at the phenomenon. I immediately knew it
to be an island of ice, and though in so very warm a latitude,
determined to make all possible sail from such horrible danger. We did
so, but all in vain, for about eleven o'clock at night, blowing a very
hard gale, and exceedingly dark, we struck upon the island. Nothing
could equal the distraction, the shrieks, and despair of the whole
crew, until I, knowing there was not a moment to be lost, cheered up
their spirits, and bade them not despond, but do as I should request
them. In a few minutes the vessel was half full of water, and the
enormous castle of ice that seemed to hem us in on every side, in some
places falling in hideous fragments upon the deck, killed one half of
the crew; upon which, getting upon the summit of the mast, I contrived
to make it fast to a great promontory of the ice, and calling to the
remainder of the crew to follow me, we all escaped from the wreck, and
got upon the summit of the island.
The rising sun soon gave us a dreadful prospect of our situation, and
the loss, or rather iceification, of the vessel; for being closed in
on every side with castles of ice during the night, she was absolutely
frozen over and buried in such a manner that we could behold her under
our feet, even in the central solidity of the island. Having debated
what was best to be done, we immediately cut down through the ice, and
got up some of the cables of the vessel, and the boats, which, making
fast to the island, we towed it with all our might, determined to
bring home island and all, or perish in the attempt. On the summit of
the island we placed what oakum and dregs of every kind of matter we
could get from the vessel, which, in the space of a very few hours, on
account of the liquefying of the ice, and the warmth of the sun, were
transformed into a very fine manure; and as I had some seeds of exotic
vegetables in my pocket, we shortly had a sufficiency of fruits and
roots growing upon the island to supply the whole crew, especially the
bread-fruit tree, a few plants of which had been in the vessel; and
another tree, which bore plum-puddings so very hot, and with such
exquisite proportion of sugar, fruit, &c., that we all acknowledged it
was not possible to taste anything of the kind more delicious in
England: in short, though the scurvy had made such dreadful progress
among the crew before our striking upon the ice, the supply of
vegetables, and especially the bread-fruit and pudding-fruit, put an
almost immediate stop to the distemper.
We had not proceeded thus many weeks, advancing with incredible
fatigue by continual towing, when we fell in with a fleet of Negro-
men, as they call them. These wretches, I must inform you, my dear
friends, had found means to make prizes of those vessels from some
Europeans upon the coast of Guinea, and tasting the sweets of luxury,
had formed colonies in several new discovered islands near the South
Pole, where they had a variety of plantations of such matters as would
only grow in the coldest climates. As the black inhabitants of Guinea
were unsuited to the climate and excessive cold of the country, they
formed the diabolical project of getting Christian slaves to work for
them. For this purpose they sent vessels every year to the coast of
Scotland, the northern parts of Ireland, and Wales, and were even
sometimes seen off the coast of Cornwall. And having purchased, or
entrapped by fraud or violence, a great number of men, women, and
children, they proceeded with their cargoes of human flesh to the
other end of the world, and sold them to their planters, where they
were flogged into obedience, and made to work like horses all the rest
of their lives.
My blood ran cold at the idea, while every one on the island also
expressed his horror that such an iniquitous traffic should be
suffered to exist. But, except by open violence, it was found
impossible to destroy the trade, on account of a barbarous prejudice,
entertained of late by the negroes, that the white people have no
souls! However, we were determined to attack them, and steering down
our island upon them, soon overwhelmed them: we saved as many of the
white people as possible, but pushed all the blacks into the water
again. The poor creatures we saved from slavery were so overjoyed,
that they wept aloud through gratitude, and we experienced every
delightful sensation to think what happiness we should shower upon
their parents, their brothers and sisters and children, by bringing
them home safe, redeemed from slavery, to the bosom of their native
country.
Having happily arrived in England, I immediately laid a statement of
my voyage, &c., before the Privy Council, and entreated an immediate
assistance to travel into Africa, and, if possible, refit my former
machine, and take it along with the rest. Everything was instantly
granted to my satisfaction, and I received orders to get myself ready
for departure as soon as possible.
As the Emperor of China had sent a most curious animal as a present to
Europe, which was kept in the Tower, and it being of an enormous
stature, and capable of performing the voyage with /éclat/, she was
ordered to attend me. She was called Sphinx, and was one of the most
tremendous though magnificent figures I ever beheld. She was harnessed
with superb trappings to a large flat-bottomed boat, in which was
placed an edifice of wood, exactly resembling Westminster Hall. Two
balloons were placed over it, tackled by a number of ropes to the
boat, to keep up a proper equilibrium, and prevent it from
overturning, or filling, from the prodigious weight of the fabric.
The interior of the edifice was decorated with seats, in the form of
an amphitheatre, and crammed as full as it could hold with ladies and
lords, as a council and retinue for your humble servant. Nearly in the
centre was a seat elegantly decorated for myself, and on either side
of me were placed the famous Gog and Magog in all their pomp.
The Lord Viscount Gosamer being our postillion, we floated gallantly
down the river, the noble Sphinx gambolling like the huge leviathan,
and towing after her the boat and balloons.
Thus we advanced, sailing gently, into the open sea; being calm
weather, we could scarcely feel the motion of the vehicle, and passed
our time in grand debate upon the glorious intention of our voyage,
and the discoveries that would result.
"I am of opinion," said my noble friend, Hilaro Frosticos, "that
Africa was originally inhabited for the greater part, or, I may say,
subjugated by lions which, next to man, seem to be the most dreaded of
all mortal tyrants. The country in general--at least, what we have
been hitherto able to discover, seems rather inimical to human life;
the intolerable dryness of the place, the burning sands that overwhelm
whole armies and cities in general ruin, and the hideous life many
roving hordes are compelled to lead, incline me to think, that if ever
we form any great settlements therein, it will become the grave of our
countrymen. Yet it is nearer to us than the East Indies, and I cannot
but imagine, that in many places every production of China, and of the
East and West Indies, would flourish, if properly attended to. And as
the country is so prodigiously extensive and unknown, what a source of
discovery must not it contain! In fact, we know less about the
interior of Africa than we do of the moon; for in this latter we
measure the very prominences, and observe the varieties and
inequalities of the surface through our glasses--
"Forests and mountains on her spotted orb.
"But we see nothing in the interior of Africa, but what some compilers
of maps or geographers are fanciful enough to imagine. What a happy
event, therefore, should we not expect from a voyage of discovery and
colonisation undertaken in so magnificent a style as the present! what
a pride--what an acquisition to philosophy!"
CHAPTER XXV
/Count Gosamer thrown by Sphinx into the snow on the top of
Teneriffe--Gog and Magog conduct Sphinx for the rest of the voyage
--The Baron arrives at the Cape, and unites his former chariot,
&c., to his new retinue--Passes into Africa, proceeding from the
Cape northwards--Defeats a host of lions by a curious stratagem--
Travels through an immense desert--His whole company, chariot,
&c., overwhelmed by a whirlwind of sand--Extricates them, and
arrives in a fertile country./
The brave Count Gosamer, with a pair of hell-fire spurs on, riding
upon Sphinx, directed the whole retinue towards the Madeiras. But the
Count had no small share of an amiable vanity, and perceiving great
multitudes of people, Gascons, &c., assembled upon the French coast,
he could not refrain from showing some singular capers, such as they
had never seen before: but especially when he observed all the members
of the National Assembly extend themselves along the shore, as a piece
of French politeness, to honour this expedition, with Rousseau,
Voltaire, and Beelzebub at their head; he set spurs to Sphinx, and at
the same time cut and cracked away as hard as he could, holding in the
reins with all his might, striving to make the creature plunge and
show some uncommon diversion. But sulky and ill-tempered was Sphinx at
the time: she plunged indeed--such a devil of a plunge, that she
dashed him in one jerk over her head, and he fell precipitately into
the water before her. It was in the Bay of Biscay, all the world knows
a very boisterous sea, and Sphinx, fearing he would be drowned, never
turned to the left or the right out of her way, but advancing furious,
just stooped her head a little, and supped the poor count off the
water, into her mouth, together with the quantity of two or three tuns
of water, which she must have taken in along with him, but which were,
to such an enormous creature as Sphinx, nothing more than a spoonful
would be to any of you or me. She swallowed him, but when she had got
him in her stomach, his long spurs so scratched and tickled her, that
they produced the effect of an emetic. No sooner was he in, but out he
was squirted with the most horrible impetuosity, like a ball or a
shell from the calibre of a mortar. Sphinx was at this time quite sea-
sick, and the unfortunate count was driven forth like a sky-rocket,
and landed upon the peak of Teneriffe, plunged over head and ears in
the snow--/requiescat in pace!/
I perceived all this mischief from my seat in the ark, but was in such
a convulsion of laughter that I could not utter an intelligible word.
And now Sphinx, deprived of her postillion, went on in a zigzag
direction, and gambolled away after a most dreadful manner. And thus
had everything gone to wreck, had I not given instant orders to Gog
and Magog to sally forth. They plunged into the water, and swimming on
each side, got at length right before the animal, and then seized the
reins. Thus they continued swimming on each side, like tritons,
holding the muzzle of Sphinx, while I, sallying forth astride upon the
creature's back, steered forward on our voyage to the Cape of Good
Hope.
Arriving at the Cape, I immediately gave orders to repair my former
chariot and machines, which were very expeditiously performed by the
excellent artists I had brought with me from Europe. And now
everything being refitted, we launched forth upon the water: perhaps
there never was anything seen more glorious or more august. 'Twas
magnificent to behold Sphinx make her obeisance on the water, and the
crickets chirp upon the bulls in return of the salute; while Gog and
Magog, advancing, took the reins of the great John Mowmowsky, and
leading towards us chariot and all, instantly disposed of them to the
forepart of the ark by hooks and eyes, and tackled Sphinx before all
the bulls. Thus the whole had a most tremendous and triumphal
appearance. In front floated forwards the mighty Sphinx, with Gog and
Magog on each side; next followed in order the bulls with crickets
upon their heads; and then advanced the chariot of Queen Mab,
containing the curious seat and orrery of heaven; after which appeared
the boat and ark of council, overtopped with two balloons, which gave
an air of greater lightness and elegance to the whole. I placed in the
galleries under the balloons, and on the backs of the bulls, a number
of excellent vocal performers, with martial music of clarionets and
trumpets. They sung the "Watery Dangers," and the "Pomp of Deep
Cerulean!" The sun shone glorious on the water while the procession
advanced toward the land, under five hundred arches of ice,
illuminated with coloured lights, and adorned in the most grotesque
and fanciful style with sea-weed, elegant festoons, and shells of
every kind; while a thousand water-spouts danced eternally before and
after us, attracting the water from the sea in a kind of cone, and
suddenly uniting with the most fantastical thunder and lightning.
Having landed our whole retinue, we immediately began to proceed
toward the heart of Africa, but first thought it expedient to place a
number of wheels under the ark for its greater facility of advancing.
We journeyed nearly due north for several days, and met with nothing
remarkable except the astonishment of the savage natives to behold our
equipage.
The Dutch Government at the Cape, to do them justice, gave us every
possible assistance for the expedition. I presume they had received
instruction on that head from their High Mightinesses in Holland.
However, they presented us with a specimen of some of the most
excellent of their Cape wine, and showed us every politeness in their
power. As to the face of the country, as we advanced, it appeared in
many places capable of every cultivation, and of abundant fertility.
The natives and Hottentots of this part of Africa have been frequently
described by travellers, and therefore it is not necessary to say any
more about them. But in the more interior parts of Africa the
appearance, manners, and genius of the people are totally different.
We directed our course by the compass and the stars, getting every day
prodigious quantities of game in the woods, and at night encamping
within a proper enclosure for fear of the wild beasts. One whole day
in particular we heard on every side, among the hills, the horrible
roaring of lions, resounding from rock to rock like broken thunder. It
seemed as if there was a general rendezvous of all these savage
animals to fall upon our party. That whole day we advanced with
caution, our hunters scarcely venturing beyond pistol shot from the
caravan for fear of dissolution. At night we encamped as usual, and
threw up a circular entrenchment round our tents. We had scarce
retired to repose when we found ourselves serenaded by at least one
thousand lions, approaching equally on every side, and within a
hundred paces. Our cattle showed the most horrible symptoms of fear,
all trembling, and in cold perspiration. I directly ordered the whole
company to stand to their arms, and not to make any noise by firing
till I should command them. I then took a large quantity of tar, which
I had brought with our caravan for that purpose, and strewed it in a
continued stream round the encampment, within which circle of tar I
immediately placed another train or circle of gunpowder, and having
taken this precaution, I anxiously waited the lions' approach. These
dreadful animals, knowing, I presume, the force of our troop, advanced
very slowly, and with caution, approaching on every side of us with an
equal pace, and growling in hideous concert, so as to resemble an
earthquake, or some similar convulsion of the world. When they had at
length advanced and steeped all their paws in the tar, they put their
noses to it, smelling it as if it were blood, and daubed their great
bushy hair and whiskers with it equal to their paws. At that very
instant, when, in concert, they were to give the mortal dart upon us,
I discharged a pistol at the train of gunpowder, which instantly
exploded on every side, made all the lions recoil in general uproar,
and take to flight with the utmost precipitation. In an instant we
could behold them scattered through the woods at some distance,
roaring in agony, and moving about like so many Will-o'-the-Wisps,
their paws and faces all on fire from the tar and the gun-powder. I
then ordered a general pursuit: we followed them on every side through
the woods, their own light serving as our guide, until, before the
rising of the sun, we followed into their fastnesses and shot or
otherwise destroyed every one of them, and during the whole of our
journey after we never heard the roaring of a lion, nor did any wild
beast presume to make another attack upon our party, which shows the
excellence of immediate presence of mind, and the terror inspired into
the savage enemies by a proper and well-timed proceeding.
We at length arrived on the confines of an immeasurable desert--an
immense plain, extending on every side of us like an ocean. Not a
tree, nor a shrub, nor a blade of grass was to be seen, but all
appeared an extreme fine sand, mixed with gold-dust and little
sparkling pearls.
The gold-dust and pearls appeared to us of little value, because we
could have no expectation of returning to England for a considerable
time. We observed, at a great distance, something like a smoke arising
just over the verge of the horizon, and looking with our telescopes we
perceived it to be a whirlwind tearing up the sand and tossing it
about in the heavens with frightful impetuosity. I immediately ordered
my company to erect a mound around us of a great size, which we did
with astonishing labour and perseverance, and then roofed it over with
certain planks and timber, which we had with us for the purpose. Our
labour was scarcely finished when the sand came rolling in like the
waves of the sea; 'twas a storm and river of sand united. It continued
to advance in the same direction, without intermission, for three
days, and completely covered over the mound we had erected, and buried
us all within. The intense heat of the place was intolerable; but
guessing, by the cessation of the noise, that the storm was passed, we
set about digging a passage to the light of day again, which we
effected in a very short time, and ascending, perceived that the whole
had been so completely covered with the sand, that there appeared no
hills, but one continued plain, with inequalities or ridges on it like
the waves of the sea. We soon extricated our vehicle and retinue from
the burning sands, but not without great danger, as the heat was very
violent, and began to proceed on our voyage. Storms of sand of a
similar nature several times attacked us, but by using the same
precautions we preserved ourselves repeatedly from destruction. Having
travelled more than nine thousand miles over this inhospitable plain,
exposed to the perpendicular rays of a burning sun, without ever
meeting a rivulet, or a shower from heaven to refresh us, we at length
became almost desperate, when, to our inexpressible joy, we beheld
some mountains at a great distance, and on our nearer approach
observed them covered with a carpet of verdure and groves and woods.
Nothing could appear more romantic or beautiful than the rocks and
precipices intermingled with flowers and shrubs of every kind, and
palm-trees of such a prodigious size as to surpass anything ever seen
in Europe. Fruits of all kinds appeared growing wild in the utmost
abundance, and antelopes and sheep and buffaloes wandered about the
groves and valleys in profusion. The trees resounded with the melody
of birds, and everything displayed a general scene of rural happiness
and joy.
CHAPTER XXVI
/A feast on live bulls and kava--The inhabitants admire the
European adventurers--The Emperor comes to meet the Baron, and
pays him great compliments--The inhabitants of the centre of
Africa descended from the people of the moon proved by an
inscription in Africa, and by the analogy of their language, which
is also the same with that of the ancient Scythians--The Baron is
declared sovereign of the interior of Africa on the decease of the
Emperor--He endeavours to abolish the custom of eating live bulls,
which excites much discontent--The advice of Hilaro Frosticos upon
the occasion--The Baron makes a speech to an Assembly of the
states, which only excites greater murmurs--He consults with
Hilaro Frosticos./
Having passed over the nearest mountains we entered a delightful vale,
where we perceived a multitude of persons at a feast of living bulls,
whose flesh they cut away with great knives, making a table of the
creature's carcase, serenaded by the bellowing of the unfortunate
animal. Nothing seemed requisite to add to the barbarity of this feast
but /kava/, made as described in Cook's voyages, and at the conclusion
of the feast we perceived them brewing this liquor, which they drank
with the utmost avidity. From that moment, inspired with an idea of
universal benevolence, I determined to abolish the custom of eating
live flesh and drinking of kava. But I knew that such a thing could
not be immediately effected, whatever in future time might be
performed.
Having rested ourselves during a few days, we determined to set out
towards the principal city of the empire. The singularity of our
appearance was spoken of all over the country as a phenomenon. The
multitude looked upon Sphinx, the bulls, the crickets, the balloons,
and the whole company, as something more than terrestrial, but
especially the thunder of our fire-arms, which struck horror and
amazement into the whole nation.
We at length arrived at the metropolis, situated on the banks of a
noble river, and the emperor, attended by all his court, came out in
grand procession to meet us. The emperor appeared mounted on a
dromedary, royally caparisoned, with all his attendants on foot
through respect for his Majesty. He was rather above the middle
stature of that country, four feet three inches in height, with a
countenance, like all his countrymen, as white as snow! He was
preceded by a band of most exquisite music, according to the fashion
of the country, and his whole retinue halted within about fifty paces
of our troop. We returned the salute by a discharge of musketry, and a
flourish of our trumpets and martial music. I commanded our caravan to
halt, and dismounting, advanced uncovered, with only two attendants,
towards his Majesty. The emperor was equally polite, and descending
from his dromedary, advanced to meet me. "I am happy," said he, "to
have the honour to receive so illustrious a traveller, and assure you
that everything in my empire shall be at your disposal."
I thanked his Majesty for his politeness, and expressed how happy I
was to meet so polished and refined a people in the centre of Africa,
and that I hoped to show myself and company grateful for his esteem,
by introducing the arts and sciences of Europe among the people.
I immediately perceived the true descent of this people, which does
not appear of terrestrial origin, but descended from some of the
inhabitants of the moon, because the principal language spoken there,
and in the centre of Africa, is very nearly the same. Their alphabet
and method of writing are pretty much the same, and show the extreme
antiquity of this people, and their exalted origin. I here give you a
specimen of their writing [/Vide Otrckocsus de Orig. Hung./ p. 46]:--
Stregnah, dna skoohtop.
These characters I have submitted to the inspection of a celebrated
antiquarian, and it will be proved to the satisfaction of every one,
in his next volume, what an immediate intercourse there must have been
between the inhabitants of the moon and the ancient Scythians, which
Scythians did not by any means inhabit a part of Russia, but the
central part of Africa, as I can abundantly prove to my very learned
and laborious friend. The above words, written in our characters, are
/Sregnah dna skoohtop/; that is, The Scythians are of heavenly origin.
The word /Sregnah/, which signifies /Scythians/, is compounded of
/sreg/ or /sre/, whence our present English word sire, or sir: and
/nah/, or /gnah/, knowledge, because the Scythians united the
essentials of nobility and learning together: /dna/ signifies heaven,
or belonging to the moon, from /duna/, who was anciently worshipped as
goddess of that luminary. And /skooh-top/ signifies the origin or
beginning of anything, from /skoo/, the name used in the moon for a
point in geometry, and /top/ or /htop/, vegetation. These words are
inscribed at this day upon a pyramid in the centre of Africa, nearly
at the source of the river Niger; and if any one refuses his assent,
he may go there to be convinced.
The emperor conducted me to his court amidst the admiration of his
courtiers, and paid us every possible politeness that African
magnificence could bestow. He never presumed to proceed on any
expedition without consulting us, and looking upon us as a species of
superior beings, paid the greatest respect to our opinions. He
frequently asked me about the states of Europe, and the kingdom of
Great Britain, and appeared lost in admiration at the account I gave
him of our shipping, and the immensity of the ocean. We taught him to
regulate the government nearly on the same plan with the British
constitution, and to institute a parliament and degrees of nobility.
His majesty was the last of his royal line, and on his decease, with
the unanimous consent of the people, made me heir to the whole empire.
The nobility and chiefs of the country immediately waited upon me with
petitions, entreating me to accept the government. I consulted with my
noble friends, Gog and Magog, &c., and after much consultation it was
agreed that I should accept the government, not as actual and
independent monarch of the place, but as viceroy to his Majesty of
England.
I now thought it high time to do away the custom of eating of live
flesh and drinking of kava, and for that purpose used every persuasive
method to wean the majority of the people from it. This, to my
astonishment, was not taken in good part by the nation, and they
looked with jealousy at those strangers who wanted to make innovations
among them.
Nevertheless, I felt much concern to think that my fellow-creatures
could be capable of such barbarity. I did everything that a heart
fraught with universal benevolence and good will to all mankind could
be capable of desiring. I first tried every method of persuasion and
incitement. I did not harshly reprove them, but I invited frequently
whole thousands to dine, after the fashion of Europe, upon roasted
meat. Alas, 'twas all in vain! my goodness nearly excited a sedition.
They murmured among themselves, spoke of my intentions, my wild and
ambitious views, as if I, O heaven! could have had any personal
interested motive in making them live like men, rather than like
crocodiles and tigers. In fine, perceiving that gentleness could be of
no avail, well knowing that when complaisance can effect nothing from
some spirits, compulsion excites respect and veneration, I prohibited,
under the pain of the severest penalties, the drinking of kava, or
eating of live flesh, for the space of nine days, within the districts
of Angalinar and Paphagalna.
But this created such an universal abhorrence and detestation of my
government, that my ministers, and even myself, were universally
pasquinadoed; lampoons, satires, ridicule, and insult, were showered
upon the name of Munchausen wherever it was mentioned; and in fine,
there never was a government so much detested, or with such little
reason.
In this dilemma I had recourse to the advice of my noble friend Hilaro
Frosticos. In his good sense I now expected some resource, for the
rest of the council, who had advised me to the former method, had
given but a poor specimen of their abilities and discernment, or I
should have succeeded more happily. In short, he addressed himself to
me and to the council as follows:--
"It is in vain, most noble Munchausen, that your Excellency endeavours
to compel or force these people to a life to which they have never
been accustomed. In vain do you tell them that apple-pies, pudding,
roast beef, minced pies, or tarts, are delicious, that sugar is sweet,
that wine is exquisite. Alas! they cannot, they will not comprehend
what deliciousness is, what sweetness, or what the flavour of the
grape. And even if they were convinced of the superior excellence of
your way of life, never, never would they be persuaded; and that if
for no other reason, but because force or persuasion is employed to
induce them to it. Abandon that idea for the present, and let us try
another method. My opinion, therefore, is, that we should at once
cease all endeavours to compel or persuade them. But let us, if
possible, procure a quantity of /fudge/ from England, and carelessly
scatter it over all the country; and from this disposal of matters I
presume--nay, I have a moral certainty, that we shall reclaim this
people from horror and barbarity."
Had this been proposed at any other time, it would have been violently
opposed in the council; but now, when every other attempt had failed,
when there seemed no other resource, the majority willingly submitted
to they knew not what, for they absolutely had no idea of the manner,
the possibilities of success, or how they could bring matters to bear.
However, 'twas a scheme, and as such they submitted. For my part, I
listened with ecstasy to the words of Hilaro Frosticos, for I knew
that he had a most singular knowledge of human kind, and could humour
and persuade them on to their own happiness and universal good.
Therefore, according to the advice of Hilaro, I despatched a balloon
with four men over the desert to the Cape of Good Hope, with letters
to be forwarded to England, requiring, without delay, a few cargoes of
fudge.
The people had all this time remained in a general state of ferment
and murmur. Everything that rancour, low wit, and deplorable ignorance
could conceive to asperse my government, was put in execution. The
most worthy, even the most beneficent actions, everything that was
amiable, were perverted into opposition.
The heart of Munchausen was not made of such impenetrable stuff as to
be insensible to the hatred of even the most worthless wretch in the
whole kingdom; and once, at a general assembly of the states, filled
with an idea of such continued ingratitude, I spoke as pathetic as
possible, not, methought, beneath my dignity, to make them feel for
me: that the universal good and happiness of the people were all I
wished or desired; that if my actions had been mistaken, or improper
surmises formed, still I had no wish, no desire, but the public
welfare, &c. &c. &c.
Hilaro Frosticos was all this time much disturbed; he looked sternly
at me--he frowned, but I was so engrossed with the warmth of my heart,
my intentions, that I understood him not: in a minute I saw nothing
but as if through a cloud (such is the force of amiable sensibility)--
lords, ladies, chiefs--the whole assembly seemed to swim before my
sight. The more I thought on my good intentions, the lampoons which so
much affected my delicacy, good nature, tenderness--I forgot myself--I
spoke rapid, violent--beneficence--fire--tenderness--alas! I melted
into tears!
"Pish! pish!" said Hilaro Frosticos.
Now, indeed, was my government lampooned, satirised, carribonadoed,
bepickled, and bedevilled. One day, with my arm full of lampoons, I
started up as Hilaro entered the room, the tears in my eyes: "Look,
look here, Hilaro!--how can I bear all this? It is impossible to
please them; I will leave the government--I cannot bear it! See what
pitiful anecdotes--what surmises: I will make my people feel for me--I
will leave the government!"
"Pshaw!" says Hilaro. At that simple mono-syllable I found myself
changed as if by magic! for I ever looked on Hilaro as a person so
experienced--such fortitude, such good sense. "There are three sails,
under the convoy of a frigate," added Hilaro, "just arrived at the
Cape, after a fortunate passage, laden with the fudge that we
demanded. No time is to be lost; let it be immediately conducted
hither, and distributed through the principal granaries of the
empire."
CHAPTER XXVII
/A proclamation by the Baron--Excessive curiosity of the people to
know what fudge was--The people in a general ferment about it--
They break open all the granaries in the empire--The affections of
the people conciliated--An ode performed in honour of the Baron--
His discourse with Fragrantia on the excellence of the music./
Some time after I ordered the following proclamation to be published
in the Court Gazette, and in all the other papers of the empire:--
BY THE MOST MIGHTY AND PUISSANT LORD,
HIS EXCELLENCY THE
LORD BARON MUNCHAUSEN.
Whereas a quantity of fudge has been distributed through all the
granaries of the empire for particular uses; and as the natives
have ever expressed their aversion to all manner of European
eatables, it is hereby strictly forbidden, under pain of the
severest penalties, for any of the officers charged with the
keeping of the said fudge to give, sell, or suffer to be sold, any
part or quantity whatever of the said material, until it be
agreeable unto our good will and pleasure.
Dated in our Castle of Gristariska
this Triskill of the month of
Griskish, in the year Moulikasra-
navas-kashna-vildash.
This proclamation excited the most ardent curiosity all over the
empire. "Do you know what this fudge is?" said Lady Mooshilgarousti to
Lord Darnarlaganl. "Fudge!" said he, "Fudge! no: what fudge?" "I
mean," replied her Ladyship, "the enormous quantity of fudge that has
been distributed under guards in all the strong places in the empire,
and which is strictly forbidden to be sold or given to any of the
natives under the severest penalties." "Lord!" replied he, "what in
the name of wonder can it be? Forbidden! why it must, but pray do you,
Lady Fashashash, do you know what this fudge is? Do you, Lord
Trastillauex? or you, Miss Gristilarkask? What! nobody know what this
fudge can be?"
It engrossed for several days the chit-chat of the whole empire.
Fudge, fudge, fudge, resounded in all companies and in all places,
from the rising until the setting of the sun; and even at night, when
gentle sleep refreshed the rest of mortals, the ladies of all that
country were dreaming of fudge!
"Upon my honour," said Kitty, as she was adjusting her modesty piece
before the glass, just after getting out of bed, "there is scarce
anything I would not give to know what this fudge can be." "La! my
dear," replied Miss Killnariska, "I have been dreaming the whole night
of nothing but fudge; I thought my lover kissed my hand, and pressed
it to his bosom, while I, frowning, endeavoured to wrest it from him:
that he kneeled at my feet. No, never, never will I look at you, cried
I, till you tell me what this fudge can be, or get me some of it.
Begone! cried I, with all the dignity of offended beauty, majesty, and
a tragic queen. Begone! never see me more, or bring me this delicious
fudge. He swore, on the honour of a knight, that he would wander o'er
the world, encounter every danger, perish in the attempt, or satisfy
the angel of his soul."
The chiefs and nobility of the nation, when they met together to drink
their kava, spoke of nothing but fudge. Men, women, and children all,
all talked of nothing but fudge. 'Twas a fury of curiosity, one
general ferment, and universal fever--nothing but fudge could allay
it.
But in one respect they all agreed, that government must have had some
interested view, in giving such positive orders to preserve it, and
keep it from the natives of the country. Petitions were addressed to
me from all quarters, from every corporation and body of men in the
whole empire. The majority of the people instructed their
constituents, and the parliament presented a petition, praying that I
would be pleased to take the state of the nation under consideration,
and give orders to satisfy the people, or the most dreadful
consequences were to be apprehended. To these requests, at the
entreaty of my council, I made no reply, or at best but unsatisfactory
answers. Curiosity was on the rack; they forgot to lampoon the
government, so engaged were they about the fudge. The great assembly
of the states could think of nothing else. Instead of enacting laws
for the regulation of the people, instead of consulting what should
seem most wise, most excellent, they could think, talk, and harangue
of nothing but fudge. In vain did the Speaker call to order; the more
checks they got the more extravagant and inquisitive they were.
In short, the populace in many places rose in the most outrageous and
tumultuous manner, forced open the granaries in all places in one day,
and triumphantly distributed the fudge through the whole empire.
Whether on account of the longing, the great curiosity, imagination,
or the disposition of the people, I cannot say--but they found it
infinitely to their taste; 'twas intoxication of joy, satisfaction,
and applause.
Finding how much they liked this fudge, I procured another quantity
from England, much greater than the former, and cautiously bestowed it
over all the kingdom. Thus were the affections of the people regained;
and they, from hence, began to venerate, applaud, and admire my
government more than ever. The following ode was performed at the
castle, in the most superb style, and universally admired:--
ODE.
Ye bulls and crickets, and Gog, Magog,
And trump'ts high chiming anthrophog,
Come sing blithe choral all in /og/,
Caralog, basilog, fog, and bog!
Great and superb appears thy cap sublime,
Admired and worshipp'd as the rising sun;
Solemn, majestic, wise, like hoary Time,
And fam'd alike for virtue, sense, and fun.
Then swell the noble strain with song,
And elegance divine,
While goddesses around shall throng,
And all the muses nine.
And bulls, and crickets, and Gog, Magog,
And trumpets chiming anthrophog,
Shall sing blithe choral all in /og/,
Caralog, basilog, fog, and bog!
This piece of poetry was much applauded, admired, and /encored/ in
every public assembly, celebrated as an astonishing effort of genius;
and the music, composed by Minheer Gastrashbark Gkrghhbarwskhk, was
thought equal to the sense!--Never was there anything so universally
admired, the summit of the most exquisite wit, the keenest praise, the
most excellent music.
"Upon my honour, and the faith I owe my love," said I, "music may be
talked of in England, but to possess the very soul of harmony the
world should come to the performance of this ode." Lady Fragrantia was
at that moment drumming with her fingers on the edge of her fan, lost
in a reverie, thinking she was playing upon---- Was it a forte piano?
"No, my dear Fragrantia," said I, tenderly taking her in my arms while
she melted into tears; "never, never, will I play upon any other----!"
Oh! 'twas divine, to see her like a summer's morning, all blushing and
full of dew!
CHAPTER XXVIII
/The Baron sets all the people of the empire to work to build a
bridge from their country to Great Britain--His contrivance to
render the arch secure--Orders an inscription to be engraved on
the bridge--Returns with all his company, chariot, etc., to
England--Surveys the kingdoms and nations under him from the
middle of the bridge./
"And now, most noble Baron," said the illustrious Hilaro Frosticos,
"now is the time to make this people proceed in any business that we
find convenient. Take them at this present ferment of the mind, let
them not think, but at once set them to work." In short, the whole
nation went heartily to the business, to build an edifice such as was
never seen in any other country. I took care to supply them with their
favourite kava and fudge, and they worked like horses. The tower of
Babylon, which, according to Hermogastricus, was seven miles high, or
the Chinese wall, was a mere trifle, in comparison to this stupendous
edifice, which was completed in a very short space of time.
It was of an immense height, far beyond anything that ever had been
before erected, and of such gentle ascent, that a regiment of cavalry
with a train of cannon could ascend with perfect ease and facility. It
seemed like a rainbow in the heavens, the base of which appeared to
rise in the centre of Africa, and the other extremity seemed to stoop
into great Britain. A most noble bridge indeed, and a piece of masonry
that has outdone Sir Christopher Wren. Wonderful must it have been to
form so tremendous an arch, especially as the artists had certain
difficulties to labour against which they could not have in the
formation of any other arch in the world--I mean, the attraction of
the moon and planets: Because the arch was of so great a height, and
in some parts so elongated from the earth, as in a great measure to
diminish in its gravitation to the centre of our globe; or rather,
seemed more easily operated upon by the attraction of the planets: So
that the stones of the arch, one would think, at certain times, were
ready to fall /up/ to the moon, and at other times to fall down to the
earth. But as the former was more to be dreaded, I secured stability
to the fabric by a very curious contrivance: I ordered the architects
to get the heads of some hundred numbskulls and blockheads, and fix
them to the interior surface of the arch, at certain intervals, all
the whole length, by which means the arch was held together firm, and
its inclination to the earth eternally established; because of all the
things in the world, the skulls of these kind of animals have a
strange facility of tending to the centre of the earth.
The building being completed, I caused an inscription to be engraved
in the most magnificent style upon the summit of the arch, in letters
so great and luminous, that all vessels sailing to the East or West
Indies might read them distinct in the heavens, like the motto of
Constantine.
KARDOL BAGARLAN KAI TON FARINGO SARGAI RA
MO PASHROL VATINEAC CAL COLNITOS RO NA FILNAT
AGASTRA SA DINGANNAL FANO.
That is to say, "As long as this arch and bond of union shall exist,
so long shall the people be happy. Nor can all the power of the world
affect them, unless the moon, advancing from her usual sphere, should
so much attract the skulls as to cause a sudden elevation, on which
the whole will fall into the most horrible confusion."
An easy intercourse being thus established between Great Britain and
the centre of Africa, numbers travelled continually to and from both
countries, and at my request mail coaches were ordered to run on the
bridge between both empires. After some time, having settled the
government to my satisfaction, I requested permission to resign, as a
great cabal had been excited against me in England; I therefore
received my letters of recall, and prepared to return to Old England.
In fine, I set out upon my journey, covered with applause and general
admiration. I proceeded with the same retinue that I had before--
Sphinx, Gog and Magog, &c., and advanced along the bridge, lined on
each side with rows of trees, adorned with festoons of various
flowers, and illuminated with coloured lights. We advanced at a great
rate along the bridge, which was so very extensive that we could
scarcely perceive the ascent, but proceeded insensibly until we
arrived on the centre of the arch. The view from thence was glorious
beyond conception; 'twas divine to look down on the kingdoms and seas
and islands under us. Africa seemed in general of a tawny brownish
colour, burned up by the sun: Spain seemed more inclining to a yellow,
on account of some fields of corn scattered over the kingdom; France
appeared more inclining to a bright straw-colour, intermixed with
green; and England appeared covered with the most beautiful verdure. I
admired the appearance of the Baltic Sea, which evidently seemed to
have been introduced between those countries by the sudden splitting
of the land, and that originally Sweden was united to the western
coast of Denmark; in short, the whole interstice of the Gulf of
Finland had no being, until these countries, by mutual consent,
separated from one another. Such were my philosophical meditations as
I advanced, when I observed a man in armour with a tremendous spear or
lance, and mounted upon a steed, advancing against me. I soon
discovered by a telescope that it could be no other than Don Quixote,
and promised myself much amusement in the rencounter.
CHAPTER XXIX
/The Baron's retinue is opposed in a heroic style by Don Quixote,
who in his turn is attacked by Gog and Magog--Lord Whittington,
with the Lord Mayor's show, comes to the assistance of Don Quixote
--Gog and Magog assail his Lordship--Lord Whittington makes a
speech, and deludes Gog and Magog to his party--A general scene of
uproar and battle among the company, until the Baron, with great
presence of mind, appeases the tumult./
"What art thou?" exclaimed Don Quixote on his potent steed. "Who art
thou? Speak! or, by the eternal vengeance of mine arm, thy whole
machinery shall perish at sound of this my trumpet!"
Astonished at so rude a salutation, the great Sphinx stopped short,
and bridling up herself, drew in her head, like a snail when it
touches something that it does not like: the bulls set up a horrid
bellowing, the crickets sounded an alarm, and Gog and Magog advanced
before the rest. One of these powerful brothers had in his hand a
great pole, to the extremity of which was fastened a cord of about two
feet in length, and to the end of the cord was fastened a ball of
iron, with spikes shooting from it like the rays of a star; with this
weapon he prepared to encounter, and advancing thus he spoke:--
"Audacious wight! that thus, in complete steel arrayed, doth dare to
venture cross my way, to stop the great Munchausen. Know then, proud
knight, that thou shalt instant perish 'neath my potent arm."
When Quixote, Mancha's knight, responded firm:--
"Gigantic monster! leader of witches, crickets, and chimeras dire!
know thou, that here before yon azure heaven the cause of truth, of
valour, and of faith right pure shall ordeal counter try it!"
Thus he spoke, and brandishing his mighty spear, would instant
prodigies sublime perform, had not some wight placed 'neath the tail
of dark Rosinante furze all thorny base; at which, quadrupedanting,
plunged the steed, and instant on the earth the knight roared /credo/
for his life.
At that same moment ten thousand frogs started from the morions of Gog
and Magog, and furiously assailed the knight on every side. In vain he
roared, and invoked fair Dulcinea del Toboso: for frogs' wild croaking
seemed more loud, more sonorous than all his invocations. And thus in
battle vile the knight was overcome, and spawn all swarmed upon his
glittering helmet.
"Detested miscreants!" roared the knight; "avaunt! Enchanters dire and
goblins could alone this arduous task perform; to rout the knight of
Mancha, foul defeat, and war, even such as ne'er was known before.
Then hear, O del Toboso! hear my vows, that thus in anguish of my soul
I urge, midst frogs, Gridalbin, Hecaton, Kai, Talon, and the Rove!
[for such the names and definitions of their qualities, their separate
powers.] For Merlin plumed their airy flight, and then in watery
moonbeam dyed his rod eccentric. At the touch ten thousand frogs,
strange metamorphosed, croaked even thus: And here they come, on high
behest, to vilify the knight that erst defended famed virginity, and
matrons all bewronged, and pilgrims hoar, and courteous guise of all!
But the age of chivalry is gone, and the glory of Europe is
extinguished for ever?"
He spake, and sudden good Lord Whittington, at head of all his raree-
show, came forth, armour antique of chivalry, and helmets old, and
troops, all streamers, flags and banners glittering gay, red, gold,
and purple; and in every hand a square of gingerbread, all gilded
nice, was brandished awful. At a word, ten thousand thousand Naples
biscuits, crackers, buns, and flannel-cakes, and hats of gingerbread
encountered in mid air in glorious exaltation, like some huge storm of
mill-stones, or when it rains whole clouds of dogs and cats.
The frogs, astonished, thunderstruck, forgot their notes and music,
that before had seemed so terrible, and drowned the cries of knight
renown, and mute in wonder heard the words of Whittington, pronouncing
solemn:--"Goblins, chimeras dire, or frogs, or whatsoe'er enchantment
thus presents in antique shape, attend and hear the words of peace;
and thou, good herald, read aloud the Riot Act!"
He ceased, and dismal was the tone that softly breathed from all the
frogs in chorus, who quick had petrified with fright, unless redoubted
Gog and Magog, both with poles, high topped with airy bladders by a
string dependent, had not stormed against his lordship. Ever and anon
the bladders, loud resounding on his chaps, proclaimed their fury
against all potent law, coercive mayoralty; when he, submissive, thus
in cunning guile addressed the knights assailant:--"Gog, Magog,
renowned and famous! what, my sons, shall you assail your father,
friend, and chief confessed? Shall you, thus armed with bladders vile,
attack my title, eminence, and pomp sublime? Subside, vile discord,
and again return to your true 'legiance. Think, my friends, how oft
your gorgeous pouch I've crammed, all calapash, green fat, and
calapee. Remember how you've feasted, stood inert for ages, until size
immense you've gained. And think, how different is the service of
Munchausen, where you o'er seas, cold, briny, float along the tide,
eternal toiling like to slaves of Algiers and Tripoli. And ev'n on
high, balloon like, through the heavens have journeyed late, upon a
rainbow or some awful bridge stretched eminent, as if on earth he had
not work sufficient to distress your potent servitudes, but he should
also seek in heaven dire cause of labour! Recollect, my friends, even
why or wherefore should you thus assail your lawful magistrate, or why
desert his livery? or for what or wherefore serve this German Lord
Munchausen, who for all your labour shall alone bestow some fudge and
heroic blows in war? Then cease, and thus in amity return to
friendship aldermanic, bungy, brown, and sober."
Ceased he then, right worshipful, when both the warring champions
instant stemmed their battle, and in sign of peace and unity
returning, 'neath their feet reclined their weapons. Sudden at a
signal either stamped his foot sinistrine, and the loud report of
bursten bladder stunned each ear surrounding, like the roar of thunder
from on high convulsing heaven and earth.
'Twas now upon the saddle once again the knight of Mancha rose, and in
his hand far balancing his lance, full tilt against the troops of
bulls opposing run. And thou, shrill Crillitrilkril, than whom no
cricket e'er on hob of rural cottage, or chimney black, more gladsome
turned his merry note, e'en thou didst perish, shrieking gave the
ghost in empty air, the sport of every wind; for e'en that heart so
jocund and so gay was pierced, harsh spitted by the lance of Mancha,
while undaunted thou didst sit between the horns that crowned
Mowmowsky. And now Whittington advanced, 'midst armour antique and the
powers Magog and Gog, and with his rod enchanting touched the head of
every frog, long mute and thunderstruck, at which, in universal chorus
and salute, they sung blithe jocund, and amain advanced rebellious
'gainst my troop.
While Sphinx, though great, gigantic, seemed instinctive base and
cowardly, and at the sight of storming gingerbread, and powers, Magog
and Gog, and Quixote, all against her, started fierce, o'erturning
boat, balloons, and all; loud roared the bulls, hideous, and the crash
of wheels, and chaos of confusion drear, resounded far from earth to
heaven. And still more fierce in charge the great Lord Whittington,
from poke of ermine his famed Grimalkin took. She screamed, and harsh
attacked my bulls confounded; lightning-like she darted, and from half
the troop their eyes devouring tore. Nor could the riders, crickets
throned sublime, escape from rage, from fury less averse than cannons
murder o'er the stormy sea. The great Mowmowsky roared amain and
plunged in anguish, shunning every dart of fire-eyed fierce Grimalkin.
Dire the rage of warfare and contending crickets, Quixote and great
Magog; when Whittington advancing--"Good, my friends and warriors,
headlong on the foe bear down impetuous." He spoke, and waving high
the mighty rod, tipped wonderful each bull, at which more fierce the
creatures bellowed, while enchantment drear devoured their vitals. And
all had gone to wreck in more than mortal strife, unless, like Neptune
orient from the stormy deep, I rose, e'en towering o'er the ruins of
my fighting troops. Serene and calm I stood, and gazed around
undaunted; nor did aught oppose against my foes impetuous. But sudden
from chariot purses plentiful of fudge poured forth, and scattered it
amain o'er all the crowd contending. As when old Catherine or the
careful Joan doth scatter to the chickens bits of bread and crumbs
fragmented, while rejoiced they gobble fast the proffered scraps in
general plenty and fraternal peace, and "hush," she cries, "hush!
hush!"
CHAPTER XXX
/The Baron arrives in England--the Colossus of Rhodes comes to
congratulate him--Great rejoicings on the Baron's return, and a
tremendous concert--The Baron's discourse with Fragrantia, and her
opinion of the Tour to the Hebrides./
Having arrived in England once more, the greatest rejoicings were made
for my return; the whole city seemed one general blaze of
illumination, and the Colossus of Rhodes, hearing of my astonishing
feats, came on purpose to England to congratulate me on such
unparalleled achievements. But above all other rejoicings on my
return, the musical oratorio and song of triumph were magnificent in
the extreme. Gog and Magog were ordered to take the maiden tower of
Windsor, and make a tambourine or great drum of it. For this purpose
they extended an elephant's hide, tanned and prepared for the design,
across the summit of the tower, from parapet to parapet, so that in
proportion this extended elephant's hide was to the whole of the
castle what the parchment is to a drum, in such a manner that the
whole became one great instrument of war.
To correspond with this, Colossus took Guildhall and Westminster
Abbey, and turning the foundations towards the heavens, so that the
roofs of the edifices were upon the ground, he strung them across with
brass and steel wire from side to side, and thus, when strung, they
had the appearance of most noble dulcimers. He then took the great
dome of St. Paul's, raising it off the earth with as much facility as
you would a decanter of claret. And when once risen up it had the
appearance of a quart bottle. Colossus instantly, with his teeth,
cracked off the superior part of the cupola, and then applying his
lips to the instrument, began to sound it like a trumpet. 'Twas
martial beyond description--/tantara!/--/tara!/--/ta!/
During the concert I walked in the park with Lady Fragrantia: she was
dressed that morning in a /chemise à la reine/. "I like," said she,
"the dew of the morning, 'tis delicate and ethereal, and, by thus
bespangling me, I think it will more approximate me to the nature of
the rose [for her looks were like Aurora]; and to confirm the
vermilion I shall go to Spa." "And drink the Podhon spring?" added I,
gazing at her from top to toe. "Yes," replied the lovely Fragrantia,
"with all my heart; 'tis the drink of sweetness and delicacy. Never
were there any creatures like the water-drinkers at spa; they seem
like so many thirsty blossoms on a peach-tree, that suck up the shower
in the scorching heat. There is a certain something in the waters that
gives vigour to the whole frame, and expands every heart with rapture
and benevolence. They drink! good gods! how they do drink! and then,
how they sleep! Pray, my dear Baron, were you ever at the falls of
Niagara?" "Yes, my lady," replied I, surprised at such a strange
association of ideas; "I have been, many years ago, at the Falls of
Niagara, and found no more difficulty in swimming up and down the
cataracts than I should to move a minuet." At that moment she dropped
her nosegay. "Ah," said she, as I presented it to her, "there is no
great variety in these polyanthuses. I do assure you, my dear Baron,
that there is taste in the selection of flowers as well as everything
else, and were I a girl of sixteen I should wear some rosebuds in my
bosom, but at five-and-twenty I think it would be more /apropos/ to
wear a full-blown rose, quite ripe, and ready to drop off the stalk
for want of being pulled--heigh-ho!" "But pray, my lady," said I, "how
do you like the concert?" "Alas!" said she, languishingly, while she
laid her hand upon my shoulder, "what are these bodiless sounds and
vibration to me? and yet what an exquisite sweetness in the songs of
the northern part of our island:--'/Thou art gone awa' from me,
Mary!/' How pathetic and divine the little airs of Scotland and the
Hebrides! But never, never can I think of that same Doctor Johnson--
that CONSTABLE, as Fergus MacLeod calls him--but I have an idea of a
great brown full-bottomed wig and a hogshead of porter! Oh, 'twas
base! to be treated everywhere with politeness and hospitality, and in
return invidiously to smellfungus them all over; to go to the country
of Kate of Aberdeen, of Auld Robin Gray, 'midst rural innocence and
sweetness, take up their plaids, and dance. Oh! Doctor, Doctor!"
"And what would you say, Fragrantia, if you were to write a tour to
the Hebrides?" "Peace to the heroes," replied she, in a delicate and
theatrical tone; "peace to the heroes who sleep in the isle of Iona;
the sons of the wave, and the chiefs of the dark-brown shield! The
tear of the sympathising stranger is scattered by the wind over the
hoary stones as she meditates sorrowfully on the times of old! Such
could I say, sitting upon some druidical heap or tumulus. The fact is
this, there is a right and wrong handle to everything, and there is
more pleasure in thinking with pure nobility of heart than with the
illiberal enmities and sarcasm of a blackguard."
CHAPTER XXXI
/A litigated contention between Don Quixote, Gog, Magog, &c.--A
grand court assembled upon it--The appearance of the company--The
matrons, judges, &c.--The method of writing, and the use of the
fashionable amusement quizzes--Wauwau arrives from the country of
Prester John, and leads the whole Assembly a wild-goose chase to
the top of Plinlimmon, and thence to Virginia--The Baron meets a
floating island in his voyage to America--Pursues Wauwau with his
whole company through the deserts of North America--His curious
contrivance to seize Wauwau in a morass./
The contention between Gog and Magog, and Sphinx, Hilaro Frosticos,
the Lord Whittington, &c., was productive of infinite litigation. All
the lawyers in the kingdom were employed, to render the affair as
complex and gloriously uncertain as possible; and, in fine, the whole
nation became interested, and were divided on both sides of the
question. Colossus took the part of Sphinx, and the affair was at
length submitted to the decision of a grand council in a great hall,
adorned with seats on every side in form of an amphitheatre. The
assembly appeared the most magnificent and splendid in the world. A
court or jury of one hundred matrons occupied the principal and most
honourable part of the amphitheatre; they were dressed in flowing
robes of sky-blue velvet adorned with festoons of brilliants and
diamond stars; grave and sedate-looking matrons, all in uniform, with
spectacles upon their noses; and opposite to these were placed one
hundred judges, with curly white wigs flowing down on each side of
them to their very feet, so that Solomon in all his glory was not so
wise in appearance. At the ardent request of the whole empire I
condescended to be the president of the court, and being arrayed
accordingly, I took my seat beneath a canopy erected in the centre.
Before every judge was placed a square inkstand, containing a gallon
of ink, and pens of a proportionable size; and also right before him
an enormous folio, so large as to serve for table and book at the same
time. But they did not make much use of their pens and ink, except to
blot and daub the paper; for, that they should be the more impartial,
I had ordered that none but the blind should be honoured with the
employment: so that when they attempted to write anything, they
uniformly dipped their pens into the machine containing sand, and
having scrawled over a page as they thought, desiring them to dry it
with sand, would spill half a gallon of ink upon the paper, and
thereby daubing their fingers, would transfer the ink to their face
whenever thy leaned their cheek upon their hand for greater gravity.
As to the matrons, to prevent an eternal prattle that would drown all
manner of intelligibility, I found it absolutely necessary to sew up
their mouths; so that between the blind judges and the dumb matrons
methought the trial had a chance of being terminated sooner than it
otherwise would. The matrons, instead of their tongues, had other
instruments to convey their ideas: each of them had three quizzes, one
quiz pendent from the string that sewed up her mouth, and another quiz
in either hand. When she wished to express her negative, she darted
and recoiled the quizzes in her right and left hand; and when she
desired to express her affirmative, she, nodding, made the quiz
pendent from her mouth flow down and recoil again. The trial proceeded
in this manner for a long time, to the admiration of the whole empire,
when at length I thought proper to send to my old friend and ally,
Prester John, entreating him to forward to me one of the species of
wild and curious birds found in his kingdom, called a Wauwau. This
creature was brought over the great bridge before mentioned, from the
interior of Africa, by a balloon. The balloon was placed upon the
bridge, extending over the parapets on each side, with great wings or
oars to assist its velocity, and under the balloon was placed pendant
a kind of boat, in which were the persons to manage the steerage of
the machine, and protect Wauwau. This oracular bird, arriving in
England, instantly darted through one of the windows of the great
hall, and perched upon the canopy in the centre to the admiration of
all present. Her cackling appeared quite prophetic and oracular; and
the first question proposed to her by the unanimous consent of the
matrons and judges was, Whether or not the moon was composed of green
cheese? The solution of this question was deemed absolutely necessary
before they could proceed farther on the trial.
Wauwau seemed in figure not very much differing from a swan, except
that the neck was not near so long, and she stood after an admirable
fashion like to Vestris. She began cackling most sonorously, and the
whole assembly agreed that it was absolutely necessary to catch her,
and having her in their immediate possession, nothing more would be
requisite for the termination of this litigated affair. For this
purpose the whole house rose up to catch her, and approached in
tumult, the judges brandishing their pens, and shaking their big wigs,
and the matrons quizzing as much as possible in every direction, which
very much startled Wauwau, who, clapping her wings, instantly flew out
of the hall. The assembly began to proceed after her in order and
style of precedence, together with my whole train of Gog and Magog,
Sphinx, Hilaro Frosticos, Queen Mab's chariot, the bulls and crickets,
&c., preceded by bands of music; while Wauwau, descending on the
earth, ran on like an ostrich before the troop, cackling all the way.
Thinking suddenly to catch this ferocious animal, the judges and
matrons would suddenly quicken their pace, but the creature would as
quickly outrun them, or sometimes fly away for many miles together,
and then alight to take breath until we came within sight of her
again. Our train journeyed over a most prodigious tract of country in
a direct line, over hills and dales, to the summit of Plinlimmon,
where we thought to have seized Wauwau; but she instantly took flight,
and never ceased until she arrived at the mouth of the Potomac river
in Virginia.
Our company immediately embarked in the machines before described, in
which we had journeyed into Africa, and after a few days' sail arrived
in North America. We met with nothing curious on our voyage, except a
floating island, containing some very delightful villages, inhabited
by a few whites and negroes; the sugar cane did not thrive there well,
on account, as I was informed, of the variety of the climates; the
island being sometimes driven up as far as the north pole, and at
other times wafted under the equinoctial. In pity to the poor
islanders, I got a huge stake of iron, and driving it through the
centre of the island, fastened it to the rocks and mud at the bottom
of the sea, since which time the island has become stationary, and is
well known at present by the name of St. Christopher's, and there is
not an island in the world more secure.
Arriving in North America, we were received by the President of the
United States with every honour and politeness. He was pleased to give
us all the information possible relative to the woods and immense
regions of America, and ordered troops of the different tribes of the
Esquimaux to guide us through the forests in pursuit of Wauwau, who,
we at length found, had taken refuge in the centre of a morass. The
inhabitants of the country, who loved hunting, were much delighted to
behold the manner in which we attempted to seize upon Wauwau; the
chase was noble and uncommon. I determined to surround the animal on
every side, and for this purpose ordered the judges and matrons to
surround the morass with nets extending a mile in height, on various
parts of which net the company disposed themselves, floating in the
air like so many spiders upon their cobwebs. Magog, at my command, put
on a kind of armour that he had carried with him for the purpose,
corselet of steel, with gauntlets, helmet, &c., so as nearly to
resemble a mole. He instantly plunged into the earth, making way with
his sharp steel head-piece, and tearing up the ground with his iron
claws, and found not much difficulty therein, as morass in general is
of a soft and yielding texture. Thus he hoped to undermine Wauwau, and
suddenly rising, seize her by the foot, while his brother Gog ascended
the air in a balloon, hoping to catch her if she could escape Magog.
Thus the animal was surrounded on every side, and at first was very
much terrified, knowing not which way she had best to go. At length
hearing an obscure noise under ground, Wauwau took flight before Magog
could have time to catch her by the foot. She flew to the right, then
to the left, north, east, west, and south, but found on every side the
company prepared upon their nets. At length she flew right up, soaring
at a most astonishing rate towards the sun, while the company on every
side set up one general acclamation. But Gog in his balloon soon
stopped Wauwau in the midst of her career, and snared her in a net,
the cords of which he continued to hold in his hand. Wauwau did not
totally lose her presence of mind, but after a little consideration,
made several violent darts against the volume of the balloon; so
fierce, as at length to tear open a great space, on which the
inflammable air rushing out, the whole apparatus began to tumble to
the earth with amazing rapidity. Gog himself was thrown out of the
vehicle, and letting go the reins of the net, Wauwau got liberty
again, and flew out of sight in an instant.
Gog had been above a mile elevated from the earth when he began to
fall, and as he advanced the rapidity increased, so that he went like
a ball from a cannon into the morass, and his nose striking against
one of the iron-capped hands of his brother Magog, just then rising
from the depths, he began to bleed violently, and, but for the
softness of the morass, would have lost his life.
CHAPTER XXXII
/The Baron harangues the company, and they continue the pursuit--
The Baron, wandering from his retinue, is taken by the savages,
scalped, and tied to a stake to be roasted; but he contrives to
extricate himself, and kills the savages--The Baron travels
overland through the forests of North America, to the confines of
Russia--Arrives at the castle of the Nareskin Rowskimowmowsky, and
gallops into the kingdom of Loggerheads--A battle, in which the
Baron fights the Nareskin in single combat, and generously gives
him his life--Arrives at the Friendly Islands, and discourses with
Omai--The Baron, with all his attendants, goes from Otaheite to
the isthmus of Darien, and having cut a canal across the isthmus,
returns to England./
"My friends, and very learned and profound Judiciarii," said I, "be
not disheartened that Wauwau has escaped from you at present:
persevere, and we shall yet succeed. You should never despair,
Munchausen being your general; and therefore be brave, be courageous,
and fortune shall second your endeavours. Let us advance undaunted in
pursuit, and follow the fierce Wauwau even three times round the
globe, until we entrap her."
My words filled them with confidence and valour, and they unanimously
agreed to continue the chase. We penetrated the frightful deserts and
gloomy woods of America, beyond the source of the Ohio, through
countries utterly unknown before. I frequently took the diversion of
shooting in the woods, and one day that I happened with three
attendants to wander far from our troop, we were suddenly set upon by
a number of savages. As we had expended our powder and shot, and
happened to have no side-arms, it was in vain to make any resistance
against hundreds of enemies. In short, they bound us, and made us walk
before them to a gloomy cavern in a rock, where they feasted upon what
game they had killed, but which not being sufficient, they took my
three unfortunate companions and myself, and scalped us. The pain of
losing the flesh from my head was most horrible; it made me leap in
agonies, and roar like a bull. They then tied us to stakes, and making
great fires around us, began to dance in a circle, singing with much
distortion and barbarity, and at times putting the palms of their
hands to their mouths, set up the war-whoop. As they had on that day
also made a great prize of some wine and spirits belonging to our
troop, these barbarians, finding it delicious, and unconscious of its
intoxicating quality, began to drink it in profusion, while they
beheld us roasting, and in a very short time they were all completely
drunk, and fell asleep around the fires. Perceiving some hopes, I used
most astonishing efforts to extricate myself from the cords which I
was tied, and at length succeeded. I immediately unbound my
companions, and though half roasted, they still had power enough to
walk. We sought about for the flesh that had been taken off our heads,
and having found the scalps, we immediately adapted them to our bloody
heads, sticking them on with a kind of glue of a sovereign quality,
that flows from a tree in that country, and the parts united and
healed in a few hours. We took care to revenge ourselves on the
savages, and with their own hatchets put every one of them to death.
We then returned to our troop, who had given us up for lost, and they
made great rejoicings on our return. We now proceeded in our journey
through this prodigious wilderness, Gog and Magog acting as pioneers,
hewing down the trees, &c., at a great rate as we advanced. We passed
over numberless swamps and lakes and rivers, until at length we
discovered a habitation at some distance. It appeared a dark and
gloomy castle, surrounded with strong ramparts, and a broad ditch. We
called a council of war, and it was determined to send a deputation
with a trumpet to the walls of the castle, and demand friendship from
the governor, whoever he might be, and an account if aught he knew of
Wauwau. For this purpose our whole caravan halted in the wood, and Gog
and Magog reclined amongst the trees, that their enormous strength and
size should not be discovered, and give umbrage to the lord of the
castle. Our embassy approached the castle, and having demanded
admittance for some time, at length the drawbridge was let down, and
they were suffered to enter. As soon as they had passed the gate it
was immediately closed after them, and on either side they perceived
ranks of halberdiers, who made them tremble with fear. "We come," the
herald proclaimed, "on the part of Hilaro Frosticos, Don Quixote, Lord
Whittington, and the thrice-renowned Baron Munchausen, to claim
friendship from the governor of this puissant castle, and to seek
Wauwau." "The most noble the governor," replied the officer, "is at
all times happy to entertain such travellers as pass through these
immense deserts, and will esteem it an honour that the great Hilaro
Frosticos, Don Quixote, Lord Whittington, and the thrice-renowned
Baron Munchausen, enter his castle walls."
In short, we entered the castle. The governor sat with all our company
to table, surrounded by his friends, of a very fierce and warlike
appearance. They spoke but little, and seemed very austere and
reserved, until the first course was served up. The dishes were
brought in by a number of bears walking on their hind-legs, and on
every dish was a fricassee of pistols, pistol-bullets, sauce of
gunpowder, and aqua-vitæ. This entertainment seemed rather
indigestible by even an ostrich's stomach, when the governor addressed
us, and informed me that it was ever his custom to strangers to offer
them for the first course a service similar to that before us; and if
they were inclined to accept the invitation, he would fight them as
much as they pleased, but if they could not relish the pistol-bullets,
&c., he would conclude them peaceable, and try what better politeness
he could show them in his castle. In short, the first course being
removed untouched, we dined, and after dinner the governor forced the
company to push the bottle about with alacrity and to excess. He
informed us that he was the Nareskin Rowskimowmowsky, who had retired
amidst these wilds, disgusted with the court of Petersburgh. I was
rejoiced to meet him; I recollected my old friend, whom I had known at
the court of Russia, when I rejected the hand of the Empress. The
Nareskin, with all his knights-companions, drank to an astonishing
degree, and we all set off upon hobby horses in full cry out of the
castle. Never was there seen such a cavalcade before. In front
galloped a hundred knights belonging to the castle, with hunting horns
and a pack of excellent dogs; and then came the Nareskin
Rowskimowmowsky, Gog and Magog, Hilaro Frosticos, and your humble
servant, hallooing and shouting like so many demoniacs, and spurring
our hobby horses at an infernal rate until we arrived in the kingdom
of Loggerheads. The kingdom of Loggerheads was wilder than any part of
Siberia, and the Nareskin had here built a romantic summer-house in a
Gothic taste, to which he would frequently retire with his company
after dinner. The Nareskin had a dozen bears of enormous stature that
danced for our amusement, and their chiefs performed the /minuet de la
cour/ to admiration. And here the most noble Hilaro Frosticos thought
proper to ask the Nareskin some intelligence about Wauwau, in quest of
whom we had travelled over such a tract of country, and encountered so
many dangerous adventures, and also invited the Nareskin
Rowskimowmowsky to attend us with all his bears in the expedition. The
Nareskin appeared astonished at the idea; he looked with infinite
hauteur and ferocity on Hilaro, and affecting a violent passion asked
him, "Did he imagine that the Nareskin Rowskimowmowsky could
condescend to take notice of a Wauwau, let her fly what way she would!
Or did he think a chief possessing such blood in his veins could
engage in such a foreign pursuit? By the blood and by the ashes of my
great grandmother, I would cut off your head!"
Hilaro Frosticos resented this oration, and in short a general riot
commenced. The bears, together with the hundred knights, took the part
of the Nareskin, and Gog and Magog, Don Quixote, the Sphinx, Lord
Whittington, the bulls, the crickets, the judges, the matrons, and
Hilaro Frosticos, made noble warfare against them.
I drew my sword, and challenged the Nareskin to single combat. He
frowned, while his eyes sparkled fire and indignation, and bracing a
buckler on his left arm, he advanced against me. I made a blow at him
with all my force, which he received upon his buckler, and my sword
broke short.
Ungenerous Nareskin; seeing me disarmed, he still pushed forward,
dealing his blows upon me with the utmost violence, which I parried
with my shield and the hilt of my broken sword, and fought like a
game-cock.
An enormous bear at the same time attacked me, but I ran my hand still
retaining the hilt of my broken sword down his throat, and tore up his
tongue by the roots. I then seized his carcase by the hind-legs, and
whirling it over my head, gave the Nareskin such a blow with his own
bear as evidently stunned him. I repeated my blows, knocking the
bear's head against the Nareskin's head, until, by one happy blow, I
got his head into the bear's jaws, and the creature being still
somewhat alive and convulsive, the teeth closed upon him like
nutcrackers. I threw the bear from me, but the Nareskin remained
sprawling, unable to extricate his head from the bear's jaws,
imploring for mercy. I gave the wretch his life: a lion preys not
upon carcases.
At the same time my troop had effectually routed the bears and the
rest of their adversaries. I was merciful, and ordered quarter to be
given.
At that moment I perceived Wauwau flying at a great height through the
heavens, and we instantly set out in pursuit of her, and never stopped
until we arrived at Kamschatka; thence we passed to Otaheite. I met my
old acquaintance Omai, who had been in England with the great
navigator, Cook, and I was glad to find he had established Sunday
schools over all the islands. I talked to him of Europe, and his
former voyage to England. "Ah!" said he, most emphatically, "the
English, the cruel English, to murder me with goodness, and refine
upon my torture--took me to Europe, and showed me the court of
England, the delicacy of exquisite life; they showed me gods, and
showed me heaven, as if on purpose to make me feel the loss of them."
From these islands we set out, attended by a fleet of canoes with
fighting-stages and the chiefest warriors of the islands, commanded by
Omai. Thus the chariot of Queen Mab, my team of bulls and the
crickets, the ark, the Sphinx, and the balloons, with Hilaro
Frosticos, Gog and Magog, Lord Whittington, and the Lord Mayor's show,
Don Quixote, &c., with my fleet of canoes, altogether cut a very
formidable appearance on our arrival at the Isthmus of Darien.
Sensible of what general benefit it would be to mankind, I immediately
formed a plan of cutting a canal across the isthmus from sea to sea.
For this purpose I drove my chariot with the greatest impetuosity
repeatedly from shore to shore, in the same track, tearing up the
rocks and earth thereby, and forming a tolerable bed for the water.
Gog and Magog next advanced at the head of a million of people from
the realms of North and South America, and from Europe, and with
infinite labour cleared away the earth, &c., that I had ploughed up
with my chariot. I then again drove my chariot, making the canal wider
and deeper, and ordered Gog and Magog to repeat their labour as
before. The canal being a quarter of a mile broad, and three hundred
yards in depth, I thought it sufficient, and immediately let in the
waters of the sea. I did imagine, that from the rotatory motion of the
earth on its axis from west to east the sea would be higher on the
eastern than the western coast, and that on the uniting of the two
seas there would be a strong current from the east, and it happened
just as I expected. The sea came in with tremendous magnificence, and
enlarged the bounds of the canal, so as to make a passage of some
miles broad from ocean to ocean, and make an island of South America.
Several sail of trading vessels and men-of-war sailed through this new
channel to the South Seas, China, &c., and saluted me with all their
cannon as they passed.
I looked through my telescope at the moon, and perceived the
philosophers there in great commotion. They could plainly discern the
alteration on the surface of our globe, and thought themselves somehow
interested in the enterprise of their fellow-mortals in a neighbouring
planet. They seemed to think it admirable that such little beings as
we men should attempt so magnificent a performance, that would be
observable even in a separate world.
Thus having wedded the Atlantic Ocean to the South Sea, I returned to
England, and found Wauwau precisely in the very spot whence she had
set out, after having led us a chase all round the world.
CHAPTER XXXIII
/The Baron goes to Petersburgh, and converses with the Empress--
Persuades the Russians and Turks to cease cutting one another's
throats, and in concert cut a canal across the Isthmus of Suez--
The Baron discovers the Alexandrine Library, and meets with Hermes
Trismegistus--Besieges Seringapatam, and challenges Tippoo Sahib
to single combat--They fight--The Baron receives some wounds to
his face, but at last vanquishes the tyrant--The Baron returns to
Europe, and raises the hull of the "Royal George."/
Seized with a fury of canal-cutting, I took it in my head to form an
immediate communication between the Mediterranean and the Red Sea, and
therefore set out for Petersburgh.
The sanguinary ambition of the Empress would not listen to my
proposals, until I took a private opportunity, taking a cup of coffee
with her Majesty, to tell her that I would absolutely sacrifice myself
for the general good of mankind, and if she would accede to my
proposals, would, on the completion of the canal, /ipso facto/, give
her my hand in marriage!
"My dear, dear Baron," said she, "I accede to everything you please,
and agree to make peace with the Porte on the conditions you mention.
And," added she, rising with all the majesty of the Czarina, Empress
of half the world, "be it known to all subjects, that We ordain these
conditions, for such is our royal will and pleasure."
I now proceeded to the Isthmus of Suez, at the head of a million of
Russian pioneers, and there united my forces with a million of Turks,
armed with shovels and pickaxes. They did not come to cut each other's
throats, but for their mutual interest, to facilitate commerce and
civilisation, and pour all the wealth of India by a new channel into
Europe. "My brave fellows," said I, "consider the immense labour of
the Chinese to build their celebrated wall; think of what superior
benefit to mankind is our present undertaking; persevere, and fortune
will second your endeavours. Remember it is Munchausen who leads you
on, and be convinced of success."
Saying these words, I drove my chariot with all my might in my former
track, that vestige mentioned by the Baron de Tott, and when I was
advanced considerably, I felt my chariot sinking under me. I attempted
to drive on, but the ground, or rather immense vault, giving way, my
chariot and all went down precipitately. Stunned by the fall, it was
some moments before I could recollect myself, when at length, to my
amazement, I perceived myself fallen into the Alexandrine Library,
overwhelmed in an ocean of books; thousands of volumes came tumbling
on my head amidst the ruins of that part of the vault through which my
chariot had descended, and for a time buried my bulls and all beneath
a heap of learning. However, I contrived to extricate myself, and
advanced with awful admiration through the vast avenues of the
library. I perceived on every side innumerable volumes and
repositories of ancient learning, and all the science of the
Antediluvian world. Here I met with Hermes Trismegistus, and a parcel
of old philosophers debating upon the politics and learning of their
days. I gave them inexpressible delight in telling them, in a few
words, all the discoveries of Newton, and the history of the world
since their time. These gentry, on the contrary, told me a thousand
stories of antiquity that some of our antiquarians would give their
very eyes to hear.
In short, I ordered the library to be preserved, and I intend making a
present of it, as soon as it arrives in England, to the Royal Society,
together with Hermes Trismegistus, and half a dozen old philosophers.
I have got a beautiful cage made, in which I keep these extraordinary
creatures, and feed them with bread and honey, as they seem to believe
in a kind of doctrine of transmigration, and will not touch flesh.
Hermes Trismegistus especially is a most antique looking being, with a
beard half a yard long, covered with a robe of golden embroidery, and
prates like a parrot. He will cut a very brilliant figure in the
Museum.
Having made a track with my chariot from sea to sea, I ordered my
Turks and Russians to begin, and in a few hours we had the pleasure of
seeing a fleet of British East Indiamen in full sail through the
canal. The officers of this fleet were very polite, and paid me every
applause and congratulation my exploits could merit. They told me of
their affairs in India, and the ferocity of that dreadful warrior,
Tippoo Sahib, on which I resolved to go to India and encounter the
tyrant. I travelled down the Red Sea to Madras, and at the head of a
few Sepoys and Europeans pursued the flying army of Tippoo to the
gates of Seringapatam. I challenged him to mortal combat, and, mounted
on my steed, rode up to the walls of the fortress amidst a storm of
shells and cannon-balls. As fast as the bombs and cannon-balls came
upon me, I caught them in my hands like so many pebbles, and throwing
them against the fortress, demolished the strongest ramparts of the
place. I took my mark so direct, that whenever I aimed a cannon-ball
or a shell at any person on the ramparts I was sure to hit him: and
one time perceiving a tremendous piece of artillery pointed against
me, and knowing the ball must be so great it would certainly stun me,
I took a small cannon-ball, and just as I perceived the engineer going
to order them to fire, and opening his mouth to give the word of
command, I took aim and drove my ball precisely down his throat.
Tippoo, fearing that all would be lost, that a general and successful
storm would ensue if I continued to batter the place, came forth upon
his elephant to fight me; I saluted him, and insisted he should fire
first.
Tippoo, though a barbarian, was not deficient in politeness, and
declined the compliment; upon which I took off my hat, and bowing,
told him it was an advantage Munchausen should never be said to accept
from so gallant a warrior: on which Tippoo instantly discharged his
carbine, the ball from which, hitting my horse's ear, made him plunge
with rage and indignation. In return I discharged my pistol at Tippoo,
and shot off his turban. He had a small field-piece mounted with him
on his elephant, which he then discharged at me, and the grape-shot
coming in a shower, rattled in the laurels that covered and shaded me
all over, and remained pendant like berries on the branches. I then,
advancing, took the proboscis of his elephant, and turning it against
the rider, struck him repeatedly with the extremity of it on either
side of the head, until I at length dismounted him. Nothing could
equal the rage of the barbarian finding himself thrown from his
elephant. He rose in a fit of despair, and rushed against my steed and
myself: but I scorned to fight him at so great a disadvantage on his
side, and directly dismounted to fight him hand to hand. Never did I
fight with any man who bore himself more nobly than this adversary; he
parried my blows, and dealt home his own in return with astonishing
precision. The first blow of his sabre I received upon the bridge of
my nose, and but for the bony firmness of that part of my face, it
would have descended to my mouth. I still bear the mark upon my nose.
He next made a furious blow at my head, but I, parrying, deadened the
force of his sabre, so that I received but one scar on my forehead,
and at the same instant, by a blow of my sword, cut off his arm, and
his hand and sabre fell to the earth; he tottered for some paces, and
dropped at the foot of his elephant. That sagacious animal, seeing the
danger of his master, endeavoured to protect him by flourishing his
proboscis round the head of the Sultan.
Fearless I advanced against the elephant, desirous to take alive the
haughty Tippoo Sahib; but he drew a pistol from his belt, and
discharged it full in my face as I rushed upon him, which did me no
further harm than wound my cheek-bone, which disfigures me somewhat
under my left eye. I could not withstand the rage and impulse of that
moment, and with one blow of my sword separated his head from his
body.
I returned overland from India to Europe with admirable velocity, so
that the account of Tippoo's defeat by me has not as yet arrived by
the ordinary passage, nor can you expect to hear of it for a
considerable time. I simply relate the encounter as it happened
between the Sultan and me; and if there be any one who doubts the
truth of what I say, he is an infidel, and I will fight him at any
time and place, and with any weapon he pleases.
Hearing so many persons talk about raising the "Royal George," I began
to take pity on that fine old ruin of British plank, and determined to
have her up. I was sensible of the failure of the various means
hitherto employed for the purpose, and therefore inclined to try a
method different from any before attempted. I got an immense balloon,
made of the toughest sail-cloth, and having descended in my diving-
bell, and properly secured the hull with enormous cables, I ascended
to the surface, and fastened my cables to the balloon. Prodigious
multitudes were assembled to behold the elevation of the "Royal
George," and as soon as I began to fill my balloon with inflammable
air the vessel evidently began to move: but when my balloon was
completely filled, she carried up the "Royal George" with the greatest
rapidity. The vessel appearing on the surface occasioned a universal
shout of triumph from the millions assembled on the occasion. Still
the balloon continued ascending, trailing the hull after like a
lantern at the tail of a kite, and in a few minutes appeared floating
among the clouds.
It was then the opinion of many philosophers that it would be more
difficult to get her down then it had been to draw her up. But I
convinced them to the contrary by taking my aim so exactly with a
twelve-pounder, that I brought her down in an instant.
I considered, that if I should break the balloon with a cannon-ball
while she remained with the vessel over the land, the fall would
inevitable occasion the destruction of the hull, and which, in its
fall, might crush some of the multitude; therefore I thought it safer
to take my aim when the balloon was over the sea, and pointing my
twelve-pounder, drove the ball right through the balloon, on which the
inflammable air rushed out with great force, and the "Royal George"
descended like a falling star into the very spot from whence she had
been taken. There she still remains, and I have convinced all Europe
of the possibility of taking her up.
CHAPTER XXXIV
/The Baron makes a speech to the National Assembly, and drives out
all the members--Routs the fishwomen and the National Guards--
Pursues the whole rout into a Church, where he defeats the
National Assembly, &c., with Rousseau, Voltaire, and Beelzebub at
their head, and liberates Marie Antoinette and the Royal Family./
Passing through Switzerland on my return from India, I was informed
that several of the German nobility had been deprived of the honours
and immunities of their French estates. I heard of the sufferings of
the amiable Marie Antoinette, and swore to avenge every look that had
threatened her with insult. I went to the cavern of these
Anthropophagi, assembled to debate, and gracefully putting the hilt of
my sword to my lips--"I swear," cried I, "by the sacred cross of my
sword, that if you do not instantly reinstate your king and his
nobility, and your injured queen, I will cut the one half of you to
pieces."
On which the President, taking up a leaden inkstand, flung it at my
head. I stooped to avoid the blow, and rushing to the tribunal seized
the Speaker, who was fulminating against the Aristocrats, and taking
the creature by one leg, flung him at the President. I laid about me
most nobly, drove them all out of the house, and locking the doors put
the key in my pocket.
I then went to the poor king, and making my obeisance to him--"Sire,"
said I, "your enemies have all fled. I alone am the National Assembly
at present, and I shall register your edicts to recall the princes and
the nobility; and in future, if your majesty pleases, I will be your
Parliament and Council." He thanked me, and the amiable Marie
Antoinette, smiling, gave me her hand to kiss.
At that moment I perceived a party of the National Assembly, who had
rallied with the National Guards, and a vast procession of fishwomen,
advancing against me. I deposited their Majesties in a place of
safety, and with my drawn sword advanced against my foes. Three
hundred fishwomen, with bushes dressed with ribbons in their hands,
came hallooing and roaring against me like so many furies. I scorned
to defile my sword with their blood, but seized the first that came
up, and making her kneel down I knighted her with my sword, which so
terrified the rest that they all set up a frightful yell and ran away
as fast as they could for fear of being aristocrated by knighthood.
As to the National Guards and the rest of the Assembly, I soon put
them to flight; and having made prisoners of some of them, compelled
them to take down their national, and put the old royal cockade in its
place.
I then pursued the enemy to the top of a hill, where a most noble
edifice dazzled my sight; noble and sacred it was but now converted to
the vilest purposes, their monument /de grands hommes/, a Christian
church that these Saracens had perverted into abomination. I burst
open the doors, and entered sword in hand. Here I observed all the
National Assembly marching round a great altar erected to Voltaire;
there was his statue in triumph, and the fishwomen with garlands
decking it, and singing "Ca ira!" I could bear the sight no longer;
but rushed upon these pagans, and sacrificed them by dozens on the
spot. The members of the Assembly, and the fishwomen, continued to
invoke their great Voltaire, and all their masters in this monument
/de grands hommes/, imploring them to come down and succour them
against the Aristocrats and the sword of Munchausen. Their cries were
horrible, like the shrieks of witches and enchanters versed in magic
and the black art, while the thunder growled, and storms shook the
battlements, and Rousseau, Voltaire, and Beelzebub appeared, three
horrible spectres; one all meagre, mere skin and bone, and cadaverous,
seemed death, that hideous skeleton; it was Voltaire, and in his hand
were a lyre and a dagger. On the other side was Rousseau, with a
chalice of sweet poison in his hand, and between them was their father
Beelzebub!
I shuddered at the sight, and with all the enthusiasm of rage, horror,
and piety, rushed in among them. I seized that cursed skeleton
Voltaire, and soon compelled him to renounce all the errors he had
advanced; and while he spoke the words, as if by magic charm, the
whole assembly shrieked, and the pandemonium began to tumble in
hideous ruin on their heads.
I returned in triumph to the palace, where the Queen rushed into my
arms, weeping tenderly. "Ah, thou flower of nobility," cried she,
"were all the nobles of France like thee, we should never have been
brought to this!"
I bade the lovely creature dry her eyes, and with the King and Dauphin
ascend my carriage, and drive post to Mont-Medi, as not an instant was
to be lost. They took my advice and drove away. I conveyed them within
a few miles of Mont-Medi, when the King, thanking me for my
assistance, hoped I would not trouble myself any farther, as he was
then, he presumed, out of danger; and the Queen also, with tears in
her eyes, thanked me on her knees, and presented the Dauphin for my
blessing. In short, I left the King eating a mutton chop. I advised
him not to delay, or he would certainly be taken, and setting spurs to
my horse, wished them a good evening, and returned to England. If the
King remained too long at table, and was taken, it was not my fault.
End of Project Gutenberg The Adventures of Baron Munchausen, by Raspe